Baconbits

Been doing therapy for a year now, started seeing a dietician for my ED, actually have friends and one incredible best friend, starting to build some self confidence and thinking that maybe I’m not the absolute worst person in the world, recovering from the stress of your besties suicide attempt and just starting to feel like maybe life could be good and then bam!

Your friend is dying of cancer

Another friend is suddenly moving states away in a week

Another friend is moving even more states away next month

Your remaining local friends are too busy to see you currently (not their fault, shitty life circumstances)

Your brother announces he plans to move him and his family states away in about a year (very proud of him for pursuing his dreams)

And your best friend says long distance friendship may be too hard and that she needs to connect with people there and your relationship has to change. ( I totally support this decision and I think it will be the best for her but I’m dying inside)

And to top it all off your therapist is on a three week vacation.

I’m scared and I’m sad and I’m going to be so fucking lonely and I don’t know how I’m going to survive going back into that level of isolation and loneliness again.

Needed to put that out into the world but needed it to be where no one I know would read it so here I am.

My sister had pigs for about a year (Bonnie and Clyde) and learned they will eat literally everything except for kale stems and broccoli. When Clyde took a bite of broccoli he literally gagged and spat it out. 😂

For those wondering, they rehomed the pigs because they were growing tusks and she didn’t want them to injure her babies.

Last time I enjoyed a good flirt was at subway. Sometimes you encounter a person and the chemistry is right and you enjoy a good flirt and go on your way.

So anyway, I was at subway (the sandwich shop) flirting with the guy making my sandwich and having a good time. I pay and start to walk out. I’m feeling fun and confident at this point so I turn to do a flirtatious last look as I exit and ran smack into a handicap parking sign.

It’s almost two in the morning and I’m up late snacking on raw baby carrots and potato chips because I need something crunch and salty and a fresh veg and I’m not gonna put salt on my carrots.

I’m also watching “you’ve got mail” on my phone while I wait for my laundry to finishing washing so I can throw it in the dryer and have clean clothes tomorrow.

Getting better isn’t always going to look the way you think it will. And sometimes getting better is doing the same thing you’ve always done but instead of feeling lost, heartbroken, numb, isolated or whatever awful feeling you feel, you feel ok.

One year ago I struggled with insomnia due to depression and I was frequently up late watching chick flicks and trying to avoid my feelings until exhaustion finally overtook me.

Tonight I’m enjoying a movie I love while snacking and hydrating and I feel pretty close to feeling great.

I’m still struggling and still going through hard things. But tonight I can make myself giggle as I crunch my carrots as loud as I possibly can while looking forward to going to bed and it’s an amazing feeling.

I saw captain marvel yesterday with most of my family. Tragically I, a feminist, got seated next to my brother, who is not a feminist.

Watching a superhero be absolutely amazing and kick butt was fantastic. The fact that it was a woman and she used humor in every situation, whether or not it was appropriate, literally gives me life. She was like me and it was amazing.