sova.

A favorite yet unintentional ritual has become sitting with my iPad, scrolling through years of photos, and often reconnecting with myself - the memories, the feelings, the changes in who I am. It feels deeply, deeply inspiring and comforting. Often I start to get tears in my eyes, observing how far I’ve come, how little credit I give myself, how back and forth I fall in believing in myself. I return to myself again and again no matter how many times it takes. Sometimes I just need quiet moments to myself where I dive in and momentarily feel myself again. I’ve come a long way.

Sometimes my dreams are so vivid, I wake up with a jolt at how clear and real it all felt. It’s usually about something very sad - an element of my grief, and when I wake up it hurts all over again. Sometimes I’m having full conversations where maybe I’m seeking closure or finally voicing what I’ve been too nervous to say before. It does feel good to have these moments and trust that in some universe, I have done what I thought I needed to/said it all. Most of the time it just feels like more heartbreak. I’m moving through it, but wow it hurts.