the innocent voice of an uncomfortable youth

Tomorrow you’ll be seventeen And I’ll be nowhere near you Because there are miles between us And years between us I don’t know you anymore For all I know You could be sitting in your room Smoking overpriced pot Trying to evict thoughts of me From your head Only to swear that you can see me In the wisps of smoke that surround your face

Or maybe you don’t Which is fine We both know how mad your parents would be If they found out their son was smoking And I doubt that you are You were never one for a high You preferred the Sober thrill of the moment I understand that But you always complained about feeling so down And being bored That maybe you found solace in a comfortable high

But maybe you didn’t Which is fine Because all I want for you Is happiness Damnit All I want for you Is happiness That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you As long as I’ve known you And since we’ve stopped knowing each other All I want is for you to be happy

But maybe you aren’t Which is fine I can’t do anything to make you happier But if we were to talk now I wouldn’t stand to see you unhappy Because we fought for so long for our happiness And you deserve that much We both do

But maybe we don’t And that’s fine We may have worked so hard To become happy But maybe we aren’t deserving of anything Because that’s not how life works I want you to know That I am happy now And I hope you are too Whether that means that you are finding me In puffs of smoke swirling around your room Or sitting in that little field by your house And remembering how we had once been so in love I hope you are happy

But maybe you aren’t and that's fine

not a lot of writing happening over here. some family troubles happened and I am struggling with that right now. 

new work soon, though. I promise

You told me to get over it

Because things like this happen

And no matter how many tears I shed

There was nothing I could do to fix it

It’s not your fault that you don’t understand

How hard it is for me to sit in silence

Watching Anderson Cooper on my couch

As details are given on the

49 members of  the LGBT community

His community

My community

Who were violently shot and killed

Simply for who they love

I will not excuse that because you simply

Do not understand

And I will not watch hate grow

I hear hateful words thrown on the street

As I hold her hand on the sidewalk

It is not their fault that they do not understand

The depth of our love for each other

That they do not understand who I love

Is not a political statement

It is a human action that I will not be denied

Because no matter how many hateful words

Are shot our way

I will echo the sentiment that

Love is not a political statement

But 49 members of our community

Were shot and killed

And hundreds more are victims

To violent crimes committed by people

Whose hearts are not ready for love

I will not stand for hate any longer

I refuse to stay quiet when I hear slurs

Thrown in the street as though they are nothing

As though they are not as painful as a bullet in my chest

I will use my words for good against the hate

Because in the end

Love will win

If it had not rained that night We would have never kissed

We kissed each other softly Under the pouring rain Surrounded by pizza boxes and sweet soda As my favorite song played on the stereo

The taste of your lips on mine From that very first night Still lingers to this day Our first kiss is forever Immortalized in the stale air Of my basement And the words of that song

Your hand rested lightly On my yellow cardigan My hand on your chest Holding tight on your red shirt Begging for you to not let me fall

But I did and so did you As we leaned into each other Our lips interlocking again As you brushed my mop of brown curls Away from my face

If it had not rained that night We would have never kissed But we would have kissed eventually So our story would have been different

I want you to know that I wouldn’t Wish away the clouds that had brought rain

you wrote on everything you loved

the dog-eared corners of your deceased grandmother’s books words in black ink like scratches on the fading whites of the paper the original print now upstaged by your messy love notes

on tiny scraps of paper torn off of your mother’s bills that she keeps forgetting to pay and if you only covered them with your self-pitying words maybe one day she would see your pain

my shoulder beneath your lips breathing sweet nothings and confessions of love as my skin seemed to burn at your touch

you tried to cut yourself 

out of your own skin

perhaps it was because

your body was riddled

with my touch 

and even the memory 

of me

damn near destroyed you 

so you tried to destroy

you make me feel as though I am nothing my thin veneer of self-confidence is stripped away by the mere sight of you the blood in my arms begins boiling spreading to my calves and shoulders as my legs buckle and shake beneath me every step is unsteady and hesitant my hands grow cold and struggle to grip and even my eyes become blurry and dazed

You make me feel as though I am hard to love

My hands are too shaky and cold For them to be worth holding And that my lips are too pale To be kissed any harder That my eyes are too dark To be gently gazed into And that my hair is too messy To be gently tucked behind my ear

My mind is too intense and fast-moving For anyone to consider trying to keep up And that my heart is too complex For anyone listen to how it beats in my chest That my soul is too gentle For anyone to treat it with any care And that I am simply too different For anyone to love me

But most of all

the contents

of my makeup bag

cannot hide the fact

that i cried last night

missing you

tastes like

the coffee we drank

in that little cafe

at nine o'clock

and remembering

how my heart

would begin to race

at the combination of

caffeine and your touch

upon my arm

missing you feels

like your hands

wandering down my chest

and your lips on my neck

or how gently

you pushed my hair

behind my ear

missing you is cold

like the night we drove

through the first snow

and you told me

how beautiful i looked