Miss Nothing...

Did I say you can’t be sad? Feel like shit and cry for fucks sake, drinking vampire blood is a completely different story. You’re victimizing yourself right now, for your own choices that people don’t agree with. It’s shit that people broke their promises but welcome to life where promises aren’t worth shit and everyone will leave you at some point or another. Look in the mirror, you’re doing a pretty good job at making a joke out of yourself. If you could stand up and actually look at your face that is. But yeah let’s idolize the man that’s fault this is and the whole “it makes me feel better” shit. Just don’t tell Ivan you were onto some shit while working in the shop.

Like I said, it wasn’t something that developed on purpose. Welcome to life where some people have real fucking issues with that kind of shit, to the point where it terrifies them to even become friends with someone because they can envision them walking out already. I don’t give a fuck what other people think of me. They can think I’m a joke, they can think I’m a god damn trainwreck for al I care. I am done catering to other people’s expectations of me. Ivan already knows. Threatened to make sure I was never employed in this town again.

When you said your last goodbye I died a little bit inside I lay in tears in bed all night Alone without you by my side But if you loved me Why’d you leave me? Take my body Take my body All I want is, And all I need is To find somebody. I’ll find somebody like you. So you brought out the best of me, A part of me I’ve never seen. You took my soul and wiped it clean. Our love was made for movie screens.

“Good question, but I don’t actually know the answer…”

You get lost?

“Either of who, Lis?” Kylie asked quietly, taking the cloth away from her head and feeling it with the back of her hand, sighing as she realised it was still just as warm as before. She had never dealt with anything like this before, but she knew that fighting with her wasn’t the way to go; she was a sixteen year old girl going through an awful time in her life. If anything, this made Kylie want to help her more. “Not like this. He - either of them, they aren’t worth ruining yourself over. And maybe I’m not either of them, but I’m not leaving. Even if you don’t believe me. I’m not going anywhere.”

“You will.. They always do. The people that tell me they’re not going anywhere are the ones that leave in the most painful way.” She replied, sniffling as she spoke. “I see J-Josh, and I see Xander.” Lis whispered, staring past Kylie to the hallucination of the boy that she loved. She knew that this would be the last she saw of him, even if he wasn’t real. She just wanted to be able to keep her eyes on him before he was gone for good. “I was already ruined, Ky. This family did that already. We ruined each other.”

“God, you want to be treated like an adult — act like one. When I was your age I was on my own too, had to pay my own rent and shit. There’s always another way for everything.”

“Jesus fucking Christ! What is with the people in this god damn town and discrediting a persons right to be upset about something? I can’t be all happy and fucking rainbows all the time, that’s not how this shit works Kinley. I have a right to be upset that I am a sixteen year old girl who is alone in her house with no money to pay for her next meal. I have a right to be upset that people have broken their promises about never leaving me. I have a right to be upset. I have a right to feel something negative and not to be made to feel guilty about it just because someone may be going through or has gone through worse and if you, or anyone else, disagrees with that then I’m sorry but you’re fucking kidding yourself.”

“He is.” Kylie said quietly, stroking Lis’s hair. “He’s a bastard, he needs to get out of here.” She said, feeling crazy as she yelled at the thin air to get out of the house, but hoping it would appease her sister slightly. “Get out!” She shouted, wishing she could see what Lis did. “Oh, sweetie. What has this town done to you?” She asked sadly, holding her tightly. “You can do this, Lis. We’ll do it together.”

“I know you can’t see him, it’s okay, you don’t have to pretend.” She whispered, though she appreciated that her sister would play her long for even the off chance that it would make her feel better. “You can’t see either of them. B-But this is th-the only way I’m ever g-going to see him again. He left me. Everyone l-leaves me.” Lis replied sadly, tears falling down her cheeks as she kept herself close to Kylie. 

We’re all damaged, it seems. Some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood, then as grown-ups, we give as good as we get. Ultimately, we all do damage. And then, we set about the business of fixing whatever we can.

“You don’t drink blood because of a few injuries. No, Xander knows what it does to you. He’s old enough to understand the effect it will and has on your body and mind. He’s pretty much a drug dealer, that’s exactly what he is. You know how they start off? Being your friend. If he had tried to make you feel better, he would’ve told you to stop before it could have happened.”

“Think what you like but for the past two months he’s practically been the only one who was actually there. I don’t care if he was using me for my blood, or if he enjoyed his little experiment by getting me addicted. He still cared more than some people could bring themselves to. He actually noticed when something was wrong. He gave a shit and whether that was about me or his game, I can’t bring myself to care.” 

You don’t have to be anything anyone wants you to be. But do you honestly think this is the right way? Life isn’t just rainbows and unicorns. For no one, there is no easy way out. Certainly no drugs or Vamp Blood as in your case.

I know it’s not, Kinley. I didn’t mean to get into this. He healed me a couple times, like when Des almost killed me and then when I got injured a few times. It developed out of nowhere. It developed out of him helping me. It wasn’t his fault, he was just trying to make me better. I didn’t even know it was possible until it was happening and then I couldn’t stop. It was too late.” 

“And you’re acting like this dumbass addiction of yours is going to have everyone out of sorts when it’s not. I got that from you because if it isn’t one thing, it’s another. It’s the same thing with Belle- it’s not that people don’t care about you, it’s that they aren’t going to care that you’re being an idiot and ruining your life without even so much as a second thought. Again, you’re talking to me like I don’t understand what loneliness is- like I haven’t been stuck alone in an empty house. I understand completely but going about things like this? Taking that assholes blood? Being some creep’s blood whore? It’s stupid, and careless and no one is going to feel bad that your supply has run dry”

“I don’t expect them to, Liv. I don’t need them to. I’m capable of getting myself back on track, I’m capable of looking after myself. I’m off the stuff, I’ve got a tutor to get my grades back up to As instead of Bs, I have money and I’m looking for a job so that I can actually feed myself. They all promised me they’d never leave me, that they wouldn’t abandon me. They know I have issues with that and they did it anyway. I understand why, I do, but it doesn’t make it any less upsetting. I just wanted to be a part of the family and I feel like I’m constantly on the outside looking in and the only time I’m even in your thoughts is when I’m fucking up in some way.”

“Get your life together.”

Trust me, I’m trying. I’m going to be unapologetically me because I’m tired as fuck of trying to be the person my family wants me to be, only to be told I’m a selfish bitch, or selfish brat or any combination of the above anyway. 

“That’s… that’s really awful, I’m sorry. You know, for somebody going through all of that - you’re doing pretty well.” Freddie told her, with a genuine smile. He’d expect somebody with her backstory to be an absolute trainwreck, but she was surprisingly nice to talk to and he could see how intelligent she was just by speaking to her. “That’s why you need more food! To grow up big and strong.” He chuckled. “If you had refused tacos, I’d probably have been forced to never tutor you again, so you made the right decision.” He nodded. “God, you sound like me. I understand though, when you’re used to getting straight A’s nothing else is good enough. I can’t promise you anything with your other subjects, but I promise that I’ll try my best to get you back on track with your English, yeah?” He nodded his head at her suggestion, a small smile on her face. “Yeah! That’s a really good comparison actually, that’s the kind of stuff they’re looking for. Crooks is also seen as incapable ‘cause of his disability and his race, but he has books in his room and a copy of the California Civil Code, which means he knew or was trying to learn about his rights. That’s kind of the same as Lenny being seen as weak, but being the strongest physically. Hang on, one second —” he said, leaning down to fish a notepad and a pen out of his satchel. “You should be making notes on all of this, it’s good stuff.”

“I think you’re the only person in this  town that thinks that. Everyone in my family, or close to them thinks I’m selfish and I think the world revolves around them. They don’t know what it’s like to see the rest of your family making something for themselves and being happy with each other whilst you’re at home alone every day because they, your boyfriend and all of your friends abandoned you like you’re nothing, because I’m a selfish little brat.” She replied nonchalantly, finishing her drink off and ordering another. “Yeah, thank you. It means a lot that you’re helping me out.” Annalise listened to him explain why her comparison was a good one, and explain more about Crooks. As he got a notepad out she nodded softly and took it from him, beginning to write characters names and scrawl what they’d come up with so far. “Well then, if Crooks was doing all that then we can obviously assume he could read, right? I mean, when was this set? Were there many people of his race that had actually had the chance to learn to read and have the access to the kinds of books he did? Especially with his disability-- People would have tried to completely write him off, and maybe that’s another reason he kept to himself? When Lenny hurt Curly, did he hurt his ‘good’ hand or whatever the hell they called that Vaseline soaked thing?” 

“It’s easier that way is a new excuse for everything, huh? You know — whatever. Ruin your life, it’s not mine. But everything has consequences, everything you do and you can already see what it’s doing to your body. Good luck finding someone else that’s as..nice and helpful to give you their blood.”

“Considering I’m clearly in withdrawal is it not obvious that I know no one’s going to give me their blood? If I thought of even one person that would I wouldn’t be here having everyone find out what a screw up I am. Again.” 

“You girls need to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around you- his brother just died and came back so yeah, you’re dumbass blood addiction is gonna be low on the list of important things we’re dealing with. I get it needing an escape, I really do- but you don’t turn to vampire blood. That’s stupid and reckless and- who were you even getting it from? I know Kinley and Ivan would never supply anyone.”

“I know that, I’m not completely out of the loop. You act as if Chandler isn’t my cousin, or my ex’s brother -- almost as if I don’t give a shit which isn’t true. I kept this all hidden for two months, Liv, I’m not saying the world revolves around me at all. I don’t know how you got that from me keeping it a secret. I just don’t get how you could all leave me alone. I get that you have bigger things to deal with and I know that I’m way way down on the list of important things that you all have to deal with but none of you seem to understand how alone I am all of the time since Belle and Dean moved out. Josh left, I tried fixing things with Si and she wants nothing to do with me. I don’t have anyone, Liv. Am I not allowed to be upset about that? I was getting it from Xander, but he’s gone now.”