Anna KP

The bitter reality is that love is a messy affair. The desire, magic, and fireworks that they sing and talk about? Pffft. Not true. I will not claim to be an expert on the subject, but as someone who was in a long-term relationship, I can confidently tell you that love is only fun and smooth sailing in the first year or two.

This post is not meant to be scornful about love – yes, I am still hoping to find it – but to rather serve as a warning to those who dream about it like it’s all fun and roses. I’ve been on the other side and I tell you, there’s a harsh awakening out there.

This is not to discourage you, dear reader, from entering a relationship. After all, I still believe that mutual affection, respect, and trust with another soul is the most beautiful thing. It’s just that there are realities we have to contend with so we can temper our expectations; especially when we get to be with someone long enough to know them like ourselves.

Some days will feel like obligation.

When you’re tired from work and other commitments and yet you still have to send your significant other (SO from here on) messages to ask about their day or to talk about sweet nothings before saying good night, it can be pretty exhausting. You know you can just get right off to sleep but you worry that they may feel neglected when you do. And so you respond, even when your heart’s not really in it.

Or perhaps you aren’t up to it, but you need to attend a gathering with their family or friends. You know they’d understand if you can’t come, but you also don’t want their folks to think that you’re not invested enough to show up. And so you do.

There will be days when you just show up because you need to, not because you want to. If it sounds like work, that’s because it is. Being in a relationship means being there even on days when you’re not at your best or when you don’t feel like it. You no longer just exist for yourself, but for this other person, too.

You will see their darkest, most unattractive side.

All their weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and mistakes are exposed out in the open and you’re free to stare at them, pick them up, and (figuratively) examine them with your hands, put under a magnifying glass even. When you’re attached long-term, you will inevitably see all sides of your SO: their persona, their habits, their values, their soul… And you’re going to hate some of those aspects. I know hate may be a strong term, but it is, in fact, the most apt.

While you’re still dating you think they’re perfect, but then two, three years into it and you will see them outside of the ideal that you made up or beyond the rose-colored glasses of a newly blossomed relationship. There will always be a trait or two that you can’t stand and you will try to change them (if you can) or accept them (if your love’s big enough). Either way, you will discover things that just can’t be known in the early stages of a relationship, so be prepared.

It will just feel like friendship at some point.

“Love is friendship set on fire,” said a familiar quote I once really liked. But sometimes, indeed, your relationship will feel mostly like friendship. No sparks, no sexual tension, just pure old company. It’s not necessarily a bad thing as old couples seem to thrive on this spectrum of feelings. However, when you’re young and still not sure about the other person, this feeling will make you question things – “Are we even compatible? Is he not the one? What if I don’t regain the feelings of desire and romantic love for this person?” These are difficult thoughts to have, and you will grapple with them at some point, especially when you’ve been together for so long and you know your SO like the back of your hand.

The sad thing is that these feelings can’t be simply solved by an act, a trip, or a new experience shared together. This is a crucial stage to watch out for and seems to be the common entry point of an ending that says, “I fell out of love”.

You can potentially outgrow each other.

We are dynamic beings who transform whenever we gain new experiences, get exposed to new ideas, or meet new people. If you’re not yet living together and haven’t had your life together planned out, it’s likely that you still function as two separate individuals going after their dreams. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but at some point, your paths may diverge in ways that will render being together impossible.

To be honest, this is the kind of balance and synergy that I think is hardest to maintain in a relationship, especially for people who have many different priorities, values, and goals. Time for oneself is difficult as it is; being able to continuously be there for each other and see each other through life’s many stages and cycles is truly a FEAT.

You can be the most perfect, decent person and still not be enough.

It all really boils down to finding the RIGHT match, versus finding the best match. We’ve all heard stories of even the most ideal/beautiful/perfect people getting cheated on or separating from their SO for many different reasons. Going through something like that can bring you to question your self-worth, but remember that the relationships that last are built by two imperfect people who find each other so complementary.

We are not everyone’s cup of tea, and the qualities that you have that you think are great may not necessarily be stellar to your partner down the road (because people change). On the other hand, you may also have qualities that you hate about yourself but that your SO finds endearing; it’s really a matter of finding the puzzle piece that fits you perfectly.

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I’ve been reading the phrase, “pipiliin ka sa araw-araw” on social media recently and I honestly don’t know where that came from. But I think it succinctly captures what makes long-term relationships last. What I’ve listed down are things to watch out for especially when you’ve been with someone for a long time, but love, indeed, trickles down to choice. Feelings are great, yes, but if you find someone that you would choose in a heartbeat, regardless of the things I listed above, then by all means, hold on to that person. Some days may feel like work, and you may hate his guts (or lack of it), or you may sometimes feel like he’s just another friend, but if you know in your heart that this is the person for you despite the imperfections and complications, then choose to stay -- choose that person every single day.

18 months. That’s how long it took to finally feel the sand on my toes again. I was a different person the last time I met the sea in July 2019: I was on leave from graduate school, in a relationship, and two months into my corporate job.

I needed this trip. There was a lot to unpack and I felt overwhelmed. Manila was becoming more and more of a prison and this feeling was reflected in my overall disposition and work. Sure I’m not the only one who needs a breather.

Sharing everything that my friend Patti and I did during our La Union “healing” trip would be to take away from a very personal experience. Instead, I will share some poignant moments along the shore, the place where we discussed things that enlightened me immensely.

Topping the list would be the sunset we witnessed exactly a week ago, on that Saturday where we filled ourselves with good food and stories. I played a song that was newly dear to me while watching the sun change its colors – it reminded me of the transitions I went and will still go through. It called to mind the quote, “The only thing constant is change”, and again everything that transpired in 2020 flashed before my eyes.

I honestly am not sad; quite far from it – I feel vindicated. I’ve tucked many big decisions underneath what I perceive to be ideal and normal because I was too scared to take the leap. I was afraid to lose a financially rewarding job that gave me a sense of pride and which made me feel at par with my peers. I was hesitant to break off from a relationship I know was no longer serving me and my partner simply because he felt familiar and I was scared to be single at 30. However, in that moment with the sun while looking back at all the things that happened, I knew I called the right shots and landed where I needed to be.

Perhaps the biggest discovery is the weight I carry, which a friend helped me realize to be a remnant from many years ago. For so long I was walking around with only pieces of myself and not my entirety, and that led me to be selfish, naïve, and uncertain of many things. I can never give myself to anything fully until I make myself whole again – I need to rebuild “me” so I can share who I am to another soul without any remains from the past, and so that I can amplify who I am to the world with the passion I know I have in deep.

Another moment of note was the short nap I enjoyed on that cloudy Friday afternoon. We were practically alone in that part of the beach and the crashing of the waves easily invited me to sleep. In an ironic twist, the short sleep I enjoyed left me feeling awakened! All I could think of was, “I am going to focus on myself and do what is best for me”. This is something I have neglected for so long, especially after working so hard for many years for goals I am not even sure I want. This time I want to really take care of myself so that there is more energy and vibrance from my soul that I can shine on the people I love and those that I want to love.

To share, I have not been exactly sleeping right, eating well, and treating my body with the respect it deserves. I owe it to myself to maintain this vessel healthy because without it, I will not be able to put to work the plans that I want to accomplish! I envy people who can make and keep diet and exercise resolutions; my resolve never translated to properly taking care of my body and I want to change that this time.

Finally, I will remember our trip as the one that brought me to ponder about what I really want. To be honest, I felt like the goals I had in the past years were not really my own, but goals that society dictated that I should have – a high-paying job, a good partner that I can present to my loved ones and the world, a house, car, everything else. But events in my life show that, perhaps, there are other goals to consider; ones that feel authentic to me and in touch with who I am at my core.

At this point, the only thing I am sure of is that I really want to be able to teach. I want to share all these thoughts, experiences, and learning to help others navigate life easier and better. Going back to the corporate world is still on the table, but for now, I believe that I am being called to explore an off beaten path that will make me come alive and really bloom in this time.

I still haven’t figured a lot in the romance department except that maybe, my life partner should be someone who will help set fire to these dreams and hopes and really push and support me to achieve them. This reminds me to take some time to think about this area, just like my friend did.

Over Pinoy breakfast and Italian coffee, Patti asked me to download an app called The Pattern – something related to astrology. I am not a staunch believer in these things, but I like to think of their advice as whispers from the universe that help us make sense of who we are and the paths in life that we should consider. I will end this entry by sharing the things that struck me the most from The Pattern’s reading of myself:

“Your longing for a connection this deep may be so great that nobody can fulfill it. If this energy isn’t present in the relationship, don’t give your power away or lose your boundaries while looking for it.

The truth is, the qualities you’re attracted to already exist inside you. There’s a giving, kind side of you that’s capable of healing your own wounds. Open your heart, give yourself the unconditional love you deserve and desire. Nobody can be your savior and you may be setting yourself up for disappointment – only you can save yourself. Find your own spiritual path, and channel this longing into work that feels meaningful to you. Dedicate yourself to a calling – something you were born to do.”

It’s time to find meaning on my own, with joy.

Like you, music is a big part of my life. I couldn’t count the times that music saved me, consoled me, or intensified the feelings I had in key moments. I believe that songs are made to accompany life. Hindi lang siya ginagawa for artistic expression, to fulfill a childhood dream of an artist, or to bring money to record companies. More than anything, music is made to hold our hands or to give us a consoling hug when we most need it. Katambal ng buhay ang musika; life is better because of music.

My musical taste falls on a wide spectrum like most people. I grew up listening to yesteryear songs, so the 60s and 70s are decades I’m comfortable with. Pop figured prominently in my middle school years and I looked up to Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, and Christina Aguilera like most girls my age.

In high school, I unearthed a folder in our family computer that had The Eagles on it and I suddenly found myself belting out Heartache Tonight and Take It To The Limit like I grew up in that era. This was also the time that I discovered Limewire and even more artists because I liked a boy who loved progressive metal music. Hahaha. That period introduced me to more genres and I am thankful for it. Music’s impact on the soul was brought home the day I watched Queen’s 1986 Wembley concert from a pirated DVD. Freddie Mercury remains an artist I regret not seeing live. What a performer.

In college I would spend my long breaks going through the CD and concert DVD compilations of a stall in UP’s Shopping Center. Whenever I’m free, I download OSTs from the films I’ve watched and just continue to discover new artists. College was a time to explore and that was what I did – Kpop included!

I fully delved into U2 right after college. I can still vividly recall crying on my work desk because I felt every lyric to the beat of my broken heart (daming pinagdadaanan at that time haha) and because of my fear of the great change that was happening in my life: I was finally an adult, working for my own money, with bills to pay. I guess those are the reasons why U2 will always hold a special place.

In my mid 20s, I dabbled into more pop, R&B, and synthpop. I giddily fell in line for five hours to get into a free concert of The 1975 in Glorietta. I also felt home as I found my spirit animals in the form of the all-female sibling group HAIM.

These days, my playlists are a mix of the genres and artists I liked all throughout my teens and 20s (not a shock, really) but I am still partial towards old songs, Kpop, early 2010 pop hits, and U2 of course.

I write this long intro to give you a preview of my taste in music as I get to the heart of this post. Here, I attempt to put together the songs that I believe best capture my relationship and journey with music. I wouldn’t claim this to be final – only definitive. This line-up may change in a few years, who knows, but these are the tracks that could serve as the soundtrack of my life. May alaala, kwento, at kahulugan ang bawat musika.

And here they are, in order of discovery:

A Horse With No Name – America

My earliest memories of childhood involve Sunday mornings with America, as I sing with a hair brush as a mic. I was about four years old. Whenever this song comes on, I remember those Sundays and the orange cassette tape that I played a little too much. If you’re looking for excellent driving music, you can’t miss this band.

Dilemma – Nelly ft. Kelly Rowland

I was 12 years old when this song came out and it was such a huge hit. It played everywhere! I made it a point to memorize the lyrics (including Nelly’s rap part) using a “song hits” magazine that you can buy for cheap at the record store. Remember those? Haha. Good song, good times.

One of These Nights – The Eagles

I love everything by The Eagles but there’s something seductive and addictive about this track. This is one of the songs I discovered in that music folder in our old family computer, and which made The Eagles a staple in my playlists until now. Don Henley’s vocals are just really slick in this and the guitars add a texture that’s distinctly 70s yet also timeless. I make it a point to pop this on during long drives out of town or during late night city drives.

Abot Kamay – The Dawn

“Malapit ka sa paningin Ngunit ika’y malayong abutin Dalawang taong gustong kumawala Sa gapos ng panahong nanunuya”

The Dawn’s Tulad Ng Dati album is a treasure chest of solid songwriting. However, I’ve yet to come across a song about longing that is as sad and yet hopeful as this. Ibang klase lalo ang tama dahil Filipino ang lyrics. This is easily one of my top songs of ALL time. Give it a try and let it take you places. Napakaganda.

Breakthru - Queen

I am totally guilty of having mini-concerts in my room especially when I was around 15, 16... and this is one of the songs that got played the most. It’s such a joy to sing and dance to because it’s so happy and uplifting. It has that signature Queen vibe that is upbeat yet still very much “rock”. If you want a get happy track, listen to this!

Since I’ve Been Loving You – Led Zeppelin

If sex were a song, this is it. I’m including this here not because it has been used for said purpose (hahahaha) but because I will always be genuinely amazed at how one song can own a mood so perfectly.

More Than A Woman – Bee Gees

The Bee Gees has been a top band of mine since middle school. I used to dream of someone dedicating this song to me because I think it’s just so pure and sweet. After seeing Saturday Night Fever (one of my favorite films), this song earned a spot in my all-time favorites.

One and Only - Adele

“You'll never know if you never try To forget your past and simply be mine”

No two lines in any song captured what I was going through 10 years ago more than Adele’s One and Only. I cried every time I listened to this. I would sing it in the car, in the shower, in my room. It’s a beautiful, heartfelt track that challenges us to take a chance, to be brave, and to believe in the power of a love that carries the potential to transform us; of a connection that brings us to our truest selves.

Walk On – U2

“And love is not the easy thing The only baggage you can bring Is all that you can't leave behind”

This song healed me. It helped me move on from a chapter in my life that I held on to for too long. The lyrics are like a friend who’s there to talk sense into us while still being compassionate and sensitive. This song was a companion for the sad, sleepless nights from many years back, and is perhaps one of the main reasons why I deeply feel for U2 as a band.

Let’s Get It On – Marvin Gaye

Sexy Motown feels. What’s not to love? There was a time when I listened to this everyday because I just liked it so much. I think this track influenced a lot of my future musical preferences (Chromeo, for example). I remember singing this on videoke when my ex and I were still dating. #pahiwatig #galawan HAHAHAHA

Settle Down – The 1975

The song that started my fascination with synthpop. This version remains as my favorite and I just love putting this on at the highest volume my ears can handle while dancing crazily in my room. I consider myself lucky for being able to see the band perform this live. Definitely wasn’t disappointed.

Midnight City – M83

I can no longer recall how I stumbled upon this track. But I’ve been listening to this since 2013 and I never get tired of it. It’s one of my ultimate songs to drive to, and one time, I’ve actually had this on full blast while running at top speed on a highway. It’s like being on drugs but the auditory kind. The “city is my church” line is just so relatable and poetic. I love it.

Better - Khalid

There was a time in life when songs didn’t make me feel anything anymore. Then I came across Khalid’s Free Spirit album and this track made me rediscover the wonder of music again. Better was my top Spotify track in 2019 and continues to be among my most-played today. There’s something about the groove of the song that draws me in. The fact that this means differently to me now than when I first listened to it just made this track evergreen in my book.

Bad – U2

Of course U2 again makes the list. When I first heard this, I didn’t really think much of it. Fast forward to late 2019 when I watched the band perform this live in Manila. Man, what a revelation. I don’t care much for the lyrics (it’s about addiction by the way), but the selflessness, melancholy, and pained love they were able to convey through the instruments are just amazing. I now play this when I feel a little distant and need to be grounded again. It’s a moving ode to our capacity for care and connection despite the difficulties and cruelties of the world.

Bad Boy – Big Bang

The version I fell for, ironically, is the Japanese release of the Korean track. Haha. I mentioned before that Big Bang has perhaps some of the most timeless tunes from the 2nd generation Kpop groups and I still stand by that claim today. This song is proof. The ease by which the song’s groove lures you in is a Kpop trademark and something that Big Bang does extremely well here. This has been on repeat since July 2020 and will not be leaving my daily playlist anytime soon.

Landslide – Fleetwood Mac

A source of comfort for me these days. I first heard this during a videoke session with my Greenbulb officemates a few years ago. But it was only recently that I really sat down to pore through Fleetwood Mac’s music and this was a standout. This song is like a warm hug on cold nights when you want to shout your feelings out to the world but you can’t. I find the lines “Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?" especially profound as I go through transitions on both the personal and professional fronts. Stevie Nicks’ vocals inspired me to look through her solo discography as well!

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Thank you for reading! I hope you got new song recommendations from my list. Here’s a quick rundown of all the songs I talked about here. I made a public playlist on Spotify in case you’d like to listen to them as well. :)

I am terribly distracted and couldn’t get to writing. It’s not that I’m not trying. I sit down, light a candle, think of a cool topic, but couldn’t really get the “flow”. I end up leaving my laptop open and my mind stumped.

When I was in my early 20s, writing came more naturally. Sometimes I would sit down in front of the computer, type away, and come up with something wonderful; something I wouldn’t doubt sharing with the world. But now? Wow. Sometimes even with a pen and paper all I could do is doodle weird shapes and write my name over and over.

Tonight I decided to just post whatever I type here with abandon. I’m no longer happy with the fact that it’s been two months since I said I’ll write again and with nothing to show for it. Isn’t that the point? We have to create the mediocre to produce the good, the great. So here I am typing away in mediocrity, already hoping that the post after this is something I’d be a little more proud of.

There are a lot of plans in my mind right now, and that includes spending a good amount of time by the sea. I could totally use a breather from my work from home environment and just the city in general. And as they say, saltwater cures everything. That cure is much needed right now, to be perfectly honest.

I hope that by next week I’d be typing another post somewhere up north, while listening to the crashing of the waves. I hope, too, that by that time, I have regained my balance which has been really off the past few weeks.

In other news, I am really mulling over starting a podcast and a vlog. Seriously! Writing is great but I’ve been listening to several different podcasts over the years and I really think it’s a great platform to channel all my thoughts apart from this blog. And what’s great about it is that I can talk to friends and other people who could share so much about different topics! I have quite interesting friends and acquaintances you see, and the thought of creating podcasts with them just thrills the hell out of me. :)

first of january 2021 will be remembered with good conversations over wine, a new book, and lights — the ones that we know from christmas decorations and the brightness that comes from people who got our backs in all ways, always.

nothing much to say yet, except that 2021 is the year to fill up this space again.

it’s been a great (almost) five years calling tumblr home -- but it’s time to move on. while this platform has been a respite and my little nook in the web with all of my thoughts and everything i found inspiring, i believe it’s time switch to a new platform.

so here’s to all the words, images, and songs i’ve put here. they will always be beautiful reminders of the last five years.