Troubled Kid

I don’t know why but every time I have spoken about feminism I have been shut down. I was told you’re being a ‘feminazi’. I was told that I am not respecting the other gender however all I ever asked for as a feminist was for men to respect women as they are equal to them. Wanting equal rights, pay, respect and authority in society is apparently equal to being something that caused the holocaust (femi‘nazi’).

The first time I ever realized that this world needs feminism was when I was in grade 11, I know that pretty late but that was when in India the teenagers start flaunting their relationships and start telling people how cool it is that they have a girlfriend. So around this time in one of our gym classes the teacher didn’t show up so we were just hanging out chit chatting when this group of guys I was hanging out with was discussing about how this girl is a total slut because she has had multiple relationships in past 8 months. I didn’t say much because I was no one to judge however when few days later the same group of guys mentioned how this guy was a beast/stud to score with 3 girls in 2 months. I was shocked like I literally stood there in awe. I didn’t understand the hypocrisy. I couldn’t fathom the amount of discrimination that exists even with teenagers. That day I learnt as long as sex remains something impure, sinful or tabooed in society there is only so much feminism can progress; as long as the worth of a woman is judged by whether or not she has chosen to embark upon the exploration of her own sexuality, while that of a man is celebrated, there can be no equality.

Days passed and I accepted the fact that for men who can’t let go of the privileges they get just for being men will continue calling me feminazi no matter how loud I scream “Equality”. But then something happened that was quite personal to me. I was having a conversation with an old friend. He was telling me how one of the pictures I posted on a social networking site was cute and as usual I say thank you but then he continued the conversation telling me how he never knew I can look cute. I didn’t quite understand what he was trying to tell me he said I am hot not cute. Although awkward I said ...okay.. and let it go. Then he told me your and intelligent girl you know what I mean. I shouldn’t have replied but I did and told him I am completely lost and have no clue what he is trying to tell me. He then went on to say Girls are generally dumb. The don’t have brains. They are only good to get married to but some girls like you who are intelligent are dating material can’t really marry them. I had no clue what to make of that? Should be mad about how he told me I deserve to be a fuck and chuck or that he just humiliated entire female community saying we are all generally dumb or that how women are just meant to be married of and that’s it. I was baffled at the fact that a 21-year-old boy can think harbour thoughts like this and build on it and have the guts to say it out loud and nobody will ever say anything however if I argue against it I become a feminazi. To this day I don’t talk to him because I don’t know how to respond but I know no matter what I say I will be held accountable for being butt hurt or offended over a silly thing. 

Take the vogue incident for that matter where in a video and someone claims that to have sex or not is her choice. Out of marriage or inside of marriage is her choice. To have a child or not is her choice her body her choice. And people snapped at the video. 2 seconds literally, 2 seconds after the video was posted people started blogging everywhere and posting everywhere how this is a wrong post and it’s disgusting it shows bad image of girls. All I wanted to ask was how? Why? Why can’t someone’s lifestyle or choices be their decisions or is it because she is a woman? I agree infidelity Is wrong. But that would be between her and her husband why does the entire world get to comment of what she wants and what she doesn’t or what she deserves wat she doesn’t. Unless her choices are breaking the state law or personally influencing your lifestyle why is it any of your concern which is what exactly the video claimed. Men going haywire telling people it’s a male bashing video well guess what she doesn’t downgrade, humiliate or under-appreciate or even say that men are beneath us. It wasn’t about men. It was about women. It was about what women empowerment is and what it needs to be, that is it. Nothing about men. Nowhere was there male bashing and yet the maximum comments on the video about the video and thrashing the video came from men claiming its disrespectful to men. Is that the all that matters, a man’s point of view? Is a girl speaking up that scary?

59 D. The transcript said, and I shrugged it saying university is always difficult, the same person who would be upset over 89 in high school. A lot of things had changed over the period of 3 months. My friends, lifestyle, attitude, myself. But I felt it was just me growing up. I am still unclear on if it was the claws of a dreadful sickness slowly getting hold of me as I was being oblivious to any change. One night, mid semester of winter 2014, my second year, it was very a cold night I remember because I had two comforters on and I remember thinking “I am an international student what am I going to finish school? Will be able to? What if my Visa expires? What if I fail al the other courses and how do I apply to Ph.D.? how to I register for next years courses” . And I started cursing myself for how I did not think of all this before and by the time I realized how all these thoughts had no premise and had not connection and were easily answerable, it was morning. I had to rush to school. My friend use to pick me on the way I thought of telling him about it but somewhere I still knew I was being irrational, hence decided to figure it out myself. This I believe was the first red flag, keeping quiet, not sharing, not that I am an expert in the field but from personal experience. Once in school walking up the stairs it felt strange. It felt as if the ground was slipping from under my my feet. As if I couldn’t balance myself anymore as if it’s all uneven and not a flat surface anymore. And trying to maneuver the ups and downs I almost tripped 3 times. This felt weird but I though I might be too tired or sleepy as I was up all night. Class was no different hadn’t been for few weeks now. The professors seemed to go faster than usual. I had a hard time recollecting whatever happened in class and the workload just was too much. I would tend to get obsesses so much with one though never got a chance to go to the other. It was the St. Patrick’s day when I first acknowledged I might have a problem. For quite some time the unbalanced feeling was becoming a part of my life however once back from class about to go out with friends for a party I was changing and realized my legs shaking. Uncontrollably. Just shaking involuntarily. I freaked out and for some reason was in denial of this particular event. I disagreed to the fact that this was happening. I convince myself that I am being ridiculous. I went to the party sat there with my group of friends and heard them discuss a lot of things however nothing they said seemed relevant to me or I did not understand why were they talking about what they were talking about. My best friend was discussing about how her boyfriend and her are going through a rough patch (which is very common among girls) and all I could think was “what do I have to do with this? Why is she telling me this? Never mind just keep nodding.” Slowly things started getting worse from professors seeming fast it had now become completely impossible to comprehend anything that the professor was saying and sitting in the class all I could think of was “what have I learned in all these years. I know nothing. My life is useless”, and would get completely obsessed with this idea so much so that I stopped going to school altogether. Once my friends noticed this they wanted to talk to me about it, as they knew it wasn’t like me to miss school and shut off everybody. On more in depth discussion they decided to take me to the hospital and figure out what wrong. I was diagnosed with severe dehydration when I thought “wait, I haven’t been drinking enough water. That must be it.” On coming back home in the car as I was saying rather rambling on stuff that would seem completely illogical to a person I saw my friend tearing up. He started getting emotional and said, “this is not you. I have never seen you like this. It cannot be just dehydration”. He held my hand, “just trust me”. We went to another hospital as we felt like the previous one wasn’t a satisfactory answer where the after 4 vials of blood and 6 blood pressure measurements later I was given a neurologist reference with a presumption that I might be predisposed to having a stroke at 19 years of age. This was based on the idea of me being cognitively troubled and having trouble walking. Again the drive back was painful. Not getting any answers was worse. Being a science student I was desperate for reason for cause for result for a diagnosis. “The doctor is not in today he is on a vacation” the nurse said as my fried clenched his teeth in anger. “why is this happening to her?”. Is it even logical to get a referral for a doctor that isn’t even in town.” All this while I was thinking “Am I going crazy? I am slipping away? I will never be fixed? Is it because I am a bad person?” Maybe if I don’t sit with my legs crossed I won’t be punished?”, and these thoughts seemed completely acceptable to me. I was taken in by the doctors assistant “ push your hand against mine as hard as you can.” She said pressing the hand against mine. She came close to my eye with a device that had a little in it. “look up, right, down, left.”

“I have sleeplessness.” I said my first word that day and felt as if I conquered the world, only to realize how low my confidence was now. The assistant did not bother about that remark and looked at my friend, “”She is stressed maybe has some anxiety”. Then looking at the phone she said let me make some calls, “in a low voice she murmured something. “we have a bed for her and will be scheduling an MRI soon.” Next day I was supposed to sit in an exam I screamed and lost all control and started getting all jittery and was shaking yelling at my friend why? You want me to to fail You are pushing me for an MRI in the same day as my exam. What am I going to do? I am losing everything I had.” I see my friend trying to calm me down, the nurse rushing in and then I went to sleep. That was it, for that day. MRIs happened of brain and spine. More vials of blood, more IV more needles still no results. It was frustrating it was testing my patience or whatever I had left of me. MY friends describe my eyes so blank, lips dried and blood oozing out of the cuts, cheeks sunken in until they looked discolored and a smile that was so scary as it was so empty. I was moved from one facility to the other and in that I lost all hope. I decided it was over. There was no answer to my desperation for a diagnosis but by now it the disease had engulfed me such that that I didn’t even know I wanted a diagnosis. I didn’t know how feeling something was. No pain, physical or mental, no expectations except waiting for the lady who came every morning at 6:30 am (as the clock on the wall was the only think I could see) “Morning, stretch your hand. Have you been to the washroom yet?” . “No” the word struggles to come out of my mouth. My friend wakes up “morning, how did you sleep?”. Sleep. Hmm. Wondering when I actually slept last time. All I remembered was my blood being taken and at night a small cup of water with 5 different pills as I force it down my throat and then lay until the next vial of blood is taken from me. I was kept on a stretcher out in the corridor as there was no bed in his facility. According to my friends there were multiple tests done on me but all I remember I seeing a dark empty room with a small red light and I was trying to hold something. A distant voice yelling “if you don’t sit straight we cannot do the test. Please keep you hand still.” It was very faded I couldn’t really understand why was she yelling. Why was I there where was I what is happening? “you’re going to get better, relax don’t move. Let them help you Anisha”.

They are trying to inject something in me. They are plugging something on my head. Are they shaving my head? They are trying to erase all my memories. I am a lab rat. All my friends are with them. I see that man on the computer he is rewriting my life. He is taking away everything from me. He is feeding someone else’s life in me. They are killing me and I start yelling. Why is my friend dancing in the air? What is that group of people beside the waterfall discussing are they conspiring against me? “Maaaa. Mom! I want her! Please my mother. My voice sounds as if I my lungs will burst out. I couldn’t have screamed louder. I push away my friend who was trying to read some religious verses around me and I pull out the plugs off my hair. Banging the table beside me and kicking my legs in the air I roar “MAAA! Where are you! Save me lease I beg you maaaa! Come to me ! MAA, MAA. I was being pushed on the stretcher back to the corridor. I kept yelling and throwing my hands and legs in the air. I remember them giving me some tablet under my tongue and next thing I know I was in a room. Same friend of mine was flirting with a guy whose brother was in the same room admitted for some mental illness. They were talking as I lay there staring at the lights outside it seemed like it was late night. “why she not sleeping” “Am I sleeping?” Suddenly I see this big white monster with red eyes trying to attack me and my friend assisting it in all possible way she could. I screamed and pulled out my IV and punched my friend and started squirming and had this pain all over my body as if something is torturing last thing I remember of that night is 6 very dark soul like thing grabbing me and holding me down and taking me somewhere I didn’t want to go. I wake up apparently I was sedated for 8 hours and it took 6 nurses to achieve that feat. All this seems irrational but it was real very real and it was happening to me and nobody else. Anybody and everybody after that day could tell I was not me anymore. Nothing in me was the same. I was now completely on IV couldn’t eat or walk. Stopped talking comprehending basic information was a rigorous exercise and finally the last straw was when was in my diapers at loss of all control of my body. I thought to myself “Am I even Alive?’

3 relationships, 16 years of schooling and 21 years of life later here I am standing on the brink of - should I just leave everything behind and restart life? Does this mean that I have only made mistakes and bad choices in life, well NO. I have had very interesting things happen to me some very random but beautiful things happen to me but like a dark chocolate layer over whipped cream no matter how endearing the sweet is the bitter always takes over. The sad, painful, irrational things that I have done and been through always end up overpowering the happy ones. The first time I saw a hundred on a science paper, it was 6th grade I assume and it was beautiful one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen in my life and that’s when I swore that it is science I shall pursue and I will shine through my work. I decided to be career oriented and my mother, oh she was so proud and happy. She never forgot to remind me how able and smart I was every night she told me she is proud and I wanted to see that on her face everyday. I started being serious at school and working to achieve the best I possible can and I did. But soon by 8th grade I started to lose that determination. That willingness to score to achieve to stand out it started to be more about attention and popularity. While most of the girls in their teens go through these phases mine cost me the career of my choice.  

It was the choices I made and honestly it may seen at the point that it is a very clear fact and there is no choice to be made but there is always a choice, always.  I was naïve and had never been so wanted by people and I felt like that was some kind of personal medal I was getting and I stopped caring about everything only to soon realize that this attention is all temporary school eventually ends but the result of what one did there stays with the individual. It was 9-10 grade I first entered into a relationship. It was great it was one the most mesmerizing events of my life. I felt like this was it I have to struggle and get through life to be with this person. He would make me smile, make me blush, make me cry the tears of joy and show how beautiful it is to be with some to be someone’s but in all this I forgot that there is more to life and thus I forgot that I had a choice. I could have asked him to wait, asked it to or I could have waited. I didn’t, it didn’t seem like there that option at all. It was special though I was happy, so happy that I would spend my entire weekend just talking on the phone. I have ben good with school. Grasping concepts comes easy to me so I thought if I miss some classes it wont affect me but boy did it affect me.  He came to see me everyday of 2011 summer and it was like a story he would come take me out blow my mind and drop me back home. IT would feel like I am living the life but then everything dies out. This had to as well. Out of all these days on of the days was the last time he dropped me home. I cried and cried, I asked and asked, I begged and begged and I broke down. HE said it wasn’t meant to be. He never said why, he said I hurt him I never knew or understood how, he said our families were ready for it but I never asked him to tell his family so soon. I could’ve waited, I would have waited but he chose to walk out anyway. He moved not just to different city or house but a whole new country. I followed, I know it was not the perfect decision but at that time too again it seemed like the only way. I didn’t see the choice. I didn’t realize I could have stayed back with my family and lived there and achieved what I had once planned to in 6th grade. I had a lot of people advising me against my decision but for once I wanted to independently make it. I did. I got here and I am still here and he is still nowhere to be found not like literally, I met him I talked to him but he is not himself anymore. He is so different I don’t see that happy, faithful, funny silly goofy person anymore. I don’t see the guy to whom I was the world. We couldn’t maintain it anymore we couldn’t even maintain contact. I don’t even know how that man looks. So now when I reflect back I see all those choices and they all seem the wrong ones to me. I feel like I should have listened, thought and picked my life shaping decisions carefully. Oh well when that failed I was shattered I had never wanted someone or something so badly in my life after 4 years the person had become a part of my life and now it was really hard to imagine my self without him but I did. It was around a yea since all this happened that I was in university and I was not the same kid as I was in school. I dint care but marks or m reputation for that matter I didn’t care that nobody knew I existed then I met these friends randomly and they were good to me but as anybody who was broken so badly would act I was defensive I didn’t want to be close with anyone so basically I was not the same amiable the jolly happy go lucky girl anymore. But somehow these few of these friends were refreshingly understanding. They told me that things go wrong its obvious in life or else everything would be too easy and I clicked with them I loved being around them I forgot most of my problem when around them and I discussed theirs with them I started listening which I hardly did of before. And one of these friends got close to me I felt like its going to be all the same so no I don’t want to enter into this again I don’t want to attach myself to any guy but it didn’t matter he already started calling me his I was surprised how everything in him intrigued me, how he was everything I asked for and when that happens one needs to think that is this even true well I didn’t and turned out after a few months that it wasn’t. Nothing was true all was a vague silly lie and the reason- ‘If I told you the truth you would never be with me, so was it worth ruining my trust in this concept of love all over again just so that you can get our way through me? He didn’t care He made me do things I never would want it. I was exploited physically, emotionally and mentally and I can’t entirely blame him. It was again my choice, which at that point didn’t seem like a choice it seemed like n obvious thing. And during all this apparently I took up drinking while suffering from a severe autoimmune-neurological condition. Funny enough he didn’t believe I was sick and made it harder for me to even get to the doctor. After all this and some more I finally decide enough (it was rather my illness in which I lost my cognitive abilities so couldn’t respond to him anymore on phone). Once my friends came to know about my condition they moved me to their house to be able to take care of me. And about those brutal encounters my friends never knew because I guess I somewhere knew it was wrong and didn’t want to hear it from them. Well soon enough I lost my walking and sleeping abilities and I was just feeling like my life was ending when I was forced into a hospital against my will. My friends stayed there day and night for a month to get a diagnosis and praying that there is a treatment or a cure for this. They were delighted to get a positive answer but I was far too into my sickness to even realize what was happening.