If I'm not who I say I am, then why is it:
That I moved an entire log pile--twice--just to catch lizards (to my dad's dismay)? That I've always had trouble with eye-contact (feels too direct/aggressive), but especially in conversation (where I need to look off somewhere else in order to think)? That the kind of life I dream of, when I can still dream, is one that I can't fully execute from where I sit just yet, but which I would like?
That volcanic and geothermal activity & processes are fascinating to me? That I like going new places, and just need more time adjusting to them than other people do? That I would turn over every rock and eventually grew to know which ones I had to leave alone for a while? That I've a mind for Apologetics? That I mask and can be easily overwhelmed?
That all crawlies (pill bugs, potato bugs, katydids, spiders, wasps, bees, beetles, mantises, everything else) were my friends and "everything is cute"? That my soul would sing long, sad songs any time media (Teen Titans, the MCU) was lost to me in some way or other? That, as a kid, I frequently made dinosaur noises, stuck my ass out like a velociraptor, learned a ton of facts about them, and generally couldn't tell I was making an embarrassment of myself and committing social suicide in this and other ways until I was much older?
That I found a unique species of katydid nesting in my old front yard's hydrangea? That I would go looking for the swarms of ladybugs hatching alongside the trail behind my old backyard? That I would catch water beetles that homed in our pool? That I catalogued all the times I found green cicadas (even if I was bad at keeping said catalogues)?
That I still catch spiders and put them outside, often with my bare hands? That my parents have all these pictures of childhood-me looking over small creatures? That my head is chock full of memories of them each time I look back? That I watch science videos on YouT just for funzies? That I can't help but wander at night?
That I would climb trees every chance I'd get? That I wanted to make frogs and salamanders my pets? That I would get distressed any time someone would kill a bug? That I now have a rule that people should come to me if they encounter a bug they want removed? That I pick up worms from the pavement whenever it rains? That I remixed the rhyme on my gradeschool playground to say, "Rain, rain, come again! Go away some other day!"?
That I caught a king snake and showed it to my friend on our trip to the Eel River? And God knows how many countless other snakes, skinks, and lizards? That wolves, eagles, horses, and dragons circle my spirit at all hours? That if you search for a topic of my interests on locusnegotium it'll also relate to me, personally?
That one sure way the lads knew how to lure me into a fake wedding was to pretend there was a lizard behind the restrooms? That I have never once, in my weirdo life, walked, ran, or jumped properly? That I've been afflicted with psychological issues and neurological atypicality since I was young? That I rescued sphinx moths from our Mexican poppies every summer night? That I've always felt a deep connection with nature?
That I've always had a much stronger concept of Heaven--how much weirder and wilder and more beautiful it is than anyone imagines? That I just had a major art show, have been selling my pieces, and have been doing murals throughout the town for most of my adult life? That I lose myself around others, drown and disappear? That I forget myself to make room for those who are talking? That my mom was allowed to skip an entire grade just by taking a test?
That I was the keyboardist in a band? That I need precise instructions or else I just will not think to respond in the desired way? That my plans for my own home and how to maintain it are quite a bit different from those of my parents? That I am the first artist in my living family? That I have the math for all my worlds charted out? That the two (2) times my school made me take the MBTI test, I registered as an INTJ?
That I never leave out poison for ants? That all the way back in kindergarten my teacher observed a preference for side-by-side playing, playing with things on the ground, spacing off into my own little world, my preference for listing dinosaurs? That my childhood nickname was "nature girl?" That I have a nigh-imperceptible speech impediment? That my bones have always been creaky?
That I climbed that madrone just off school property to watch the sunset when I was still in grade school? That I do my stretches, warmups, and walkabouts every day? That I can only stand to wear comfortable clothes and not makeup? That I never shave or wear makeup? That I've always been a picky eater and had a major ARFID phase that led to a minor ED? That I've always gotten those ear thunders I can activate at will? That I was oblivious as all hell?
That I've been able to lucidly dream? That I'm a stranger in every sphere I belong to--a progressive leftist, a feminist, an antinatalist, a Christian, an asexual? That my childhood in the woods on the mountain with all four seasons was just as real? That I have had neither celebrity gods nor celebrity boogeymen (aside from the occasional crush)?
That both my grandmother and mother are writers? That my grandfather taught biology? That both aunts from both sides of my family are horse-lovers? That my dad aced all his tests? That no man is an island and we're all composite to some degree of the people around us? That my magpie ass still collects and hangs up shinies? That, growing up, I took every opportunity to dodge wearing bras, jewelry (even my own med alert bracelet), makeup, dresses, and anything uncomfortable?
That my taste in music is a little terrible? That I tire of conversation easily (unless the subject is Minecraft, apparently?) That I was a quiet kid, but also terribly loud--making dinosaur noises and postures (not a care to how my oblivious ass was perceived?) That even in an "ideal world" I still wouldn't want kids because I'm too low-spoons, solitary, introverted, etc.? That I tend to do things in my own way, even if it looks messy or incorrect to others? That I've always had difficulty communicating?
That I've had to fight the urge to tell people who I am through everything I do? That I've had to fight the fear of being misunderstood? That taking a breath and a step back and letting people be presumptive dumbidiots is a hard-won skill? That my grades reflected "just getting by well-enough that I could maintain my freedom" and improved in high school when I could learn at my own pace in my own private cubicle?
That I despise the pressure to showboat, that I'm more of a problem-solutions guy? That I can feel certain emotions that don't seem to have a proper word? That I've emoted contrary to what the moment called for? That one of my high school principal's lines at my graduation pointed to my gentle spirit and how I'd always want to rescue creatures from the classroom with my bare hands, including black widows?
That I meet so many other hallmarks of [redacted], but am also my own person, so of course I won't have walked right out of a textbook? That I thrived in the cubicle-learning environment of Lighthouse Christian School during high school? That the idea of hugs are on this pedestal in my soul, above everything else? That I'm a supertaster (hence my pickiness)?
That I never spend time telling people who I am (which is why this vomitously-lengthed, navalgazing post exists), that the mask is now fused to my face, and that it's simply more convenient to be invisible? That my physical comorbidities for my [redacted] are IBS & Von Willerbrand's/Hemophilia? That I've always had specific hand rituals and gestures, even whispered phrases?
That I'm never fully comfortable away from home & alone-time nor while entertaining (even being with) others? That I wanted to create life via biology & technology? That if you just look at my main (Mayax81) you'll see my interests littered throughout since 2011? That I'm obsessed with spelling & grammatical correctness (except in the cases of Tumblr posts)? That Steve Irwin was one of my favorite guys as a kid?
That all those times I publicly popped off in favor of childfreedom & Antinatalism in my early 20's wasn't just for shits and giggles? That my theses on Antinatalism and the Artifice of Relativism impressed not only my family members but prompted one of my English teachers and one of my Philosophy teachers at college to suggest I become a teacher, myself? That it's always been easier for me to convey myself through writing and text than it is using my mouthwords?
That I chemically dissolve a rotted animal heads and now have the skulls and antlers? (That my dad knew me well enough to bring one home to me?) That my teachers couldn't decide whether I was more left-brained or right-brained (did I need to be either?) That most of the people I've gotten on with since childhood have been on the spectrum? That I paced like crazy in high school and have hella energy legs?
That you need to be direct with me if you want me to know or do something (which my mom was convinced was "obstinance" when I was a young child)? That my crazy ass has been walking around at night ever since I was 16? That I always felt kind of behind everyone else? That figurative speech went over my head until highschool, after which point I have continued to heavily rely on it as a communication aid for my shite brain-tongue connectivity? That I have an obsessive-compulsive imagination and rituals?
That all of me, from my eyes to my feet, has always wandered off into my own little world? That I invented all the fictional technology in the BOS? That for me to say that all my knowledge came from just one person or source would be a lie? That I started creating my beautiful, complex world when I was eight? That I was fidgety AF as a kid? That I'd want my own separate room, even home, even with a romantic partner? That my leadership was recognized in dance class? That my intelligence was recognized by many--authority and peer, alike--from junior high through college?
That I've been (more ore less contentedly) single for the past decade? That I can become easily overwhelmed? That I spent 3 months in AmeriCorps?That every time we'd go up to the range in spring I would seek out the newts in the vernal pools? That friendship feels like a chore? That my art gave me an outlet for my incessant need to fidget? That I, too, can't unsee man's scars on the land? That approval from authority figures didn't really do much for my reward system as a child nor as an adult (and that I have neither celebrity gods nor devils?) That I've always had dermatophagia?
That I had a tendency to play alone, fux hard with Minecraft, struggle to retain personal details on human beings, personify objects, refrain from cuddling as a kid, collect rocks and native seeds, organize my rock collection, and name every dinosaur? That I was really reluctant to drive, open a bank account, etc.? That I have always found this modern, human world to be entirely too difficult to navigate?
That I memoeized every living and extinct species of wolf? That sorting random shit still calms me down? That I'm still obsessed with coniferous tree speciation and topographical distribution? That I have this cosmic fascination, plus an obsession with the lore of Wolf's Rain? That the only real physically intimate experiences I've had with another person had been uncomfortable for me & things I wasn't ready for? And then I remained single for the decade since? That my pupils are more dilated than most people's?
That I'm a fuckdamn klepto who gets attached to objects? That I'd become upset out of nowhere, or easily overwhelmed? That I hated my food touching other food? That I, too, would like to make myself believe that Planet Earth turns slowly? That cutting down a tree was a grave sin to all us girls? That seeing violence against inanimate objects is upsetting?
That I just recently caught a lizard in my work's office and showed it to my boss?That I connected more strongly with films involving animals than people? That I could probably satisfactorily pilot a nonhumanoid body because I not only spent a lot of time contemplating and visually studying the movements of horses, wolves, birds, etc. but also envisioned and "felt" extra appendages on my body?
I am that I am, and I am my Heavenly Father's daughter.
I won't be made to confine myself to whatever space remains in the world only once everyone else has taken a bite out of it--there would be no room left. Being oneself doesn't have to mean being absolutely like nobody else. Don't fall prey to the NLOG mindset. It is nothing more than misogyny and weakness that the world can't stand to see TWO+ bad bitches winning.
