The Cavity of My Soul

About you, about me, about the things between us

Are we even real?

Or are we hopes, born from the deep wishes of my heart,

Born from my inability to hold the tongue.

Are we us because we are,

Or maybe disappear forever.

Like poof! Gone.

And both is wrong, wrong, and so wrong. Both is ugly, both is derailed.

Both is fleeting, still it hurt all the same.

And people has been telling me that it’s not worth it. That broken heart for something that is just wrong is so not worth it. That my tears have been false. That my feelings have been false.

But it’s mine. Don’t I get to decide whether my feelings are false or not? Even if my love isn’t right, even if it’s stupid, the feelings that I feel... Are they not real? Then how do I explain this suffocation, this pain, this agony, these thumps on my head, this constriction in my chest.... how, How?

My body don't move like my mind wants it to. I'm torn in between the two.

'Let's go', my mind says to my body, 'do it.'

Jump.

Slit.

Choke.

Do it do it do it.

Tens and tens of ways to make our life stop, let's do it. Let's do it you and I, I know we can do it.

What's so hard about falling, what's so hard about tipping the edge of the cutter to a vein.

What's so hard about drinking, even if it's poison.

What's so hard about dying. You want to stop. I want to stop. And we get to stop if we can just do it. Do one of these things.

The urge still lingers, but it's been so long since I actually put an effort to actually do it.