An Ilusion Of Plans

A year. How has it been a year already? Some days I can’t fathom you being gone for a day, let alone a year.

Needless to say, I miss you, Dad.

It’s been a rough year. You know how I am, I take a loss on the chin and keep going but between losing you and being in the middle of a pandemic, shit has been fucking rough. That hole of depression has had some dark days. Days where I’d rather stay in bed and never get up, never eat. However, each of those days I hear you in my head telling me to get up, get out, even if it hurts to move. So, I do it because I know it’s what you’d want me to do.

I’ve been trying to do my best to take care of mom. She has her good and bad days like me, but it seems like the amount of bad days are starting to lessen. Not sure if that is due to my help or not, but I’ll take credit for it.

Some of the songs still make me cry. I think I can make it through the entire song but then the crack in my heart reopens and I start tearing up. I still can’t watch the end of Endgame without crying like a bitch though. I’m pretty sure if you saw how bad I ugly cry, you would fucking howl with laughter. But, I still can’t watch Onward. My hand still shakes and goes numb when I get close to it on the Disney+ menu. I’m still convinced you knew what was going to be coming within the coming months. I’ll never know if it was just a feeling or if deep down you knew but didn’t want to say anything.

I’m forever going to be grateful to Target for giving me that time with you. Even though things were hard and you were in and out of the hospital, I wouldn’t give it up for anything. You were still cracking jokes, still aggravating the hell out of me and mom, you know the usual lol. I wouldn’t have been able to be there for all of that if it wasn’t for Target and their generosity.

The boys still miss you too. They may just be cats but they know you’re gone. A year later they still occasionally wait by your chair, looking and waiting for you to come home. Then it’s like they remember you aren’t and lay somewhere else but still look at your chair longingly. They miss you as much as we do.

I guess I just want to let you know that I miss you. So fucking much and that’s never gonna change. I’m always going to be a daddy’s girl. That’s never gonna change. Was everything always perfect between us, no never, but I did my best and so did you. I think I turned into a pretty decent human being, or so everyone tells me, so you can take it easy and not worry. I hope that everything I decide to go forward and do, that I make you proud. You taught me many things in 29 years. Had many adventures in 29 years. Thank you for all of it. Thank you for teaching me and demonstrating for me how to fight, whether physical, mental, or emotional, never stop fighting. Thank you for teaching me that it’s okay to be nice but don’t let other people walk on you. Thank you for teaching me how to get get myself out of trouble and not be a damsel in distress but also to know when to ask for help if I need it. Thank you for showing me that it’s okay to show weakness but to bring yourself back to fighting strength. Thank you for always willing to drop me off at a concert or to pick me up in the middle of the night if I had trouble getting home. Thank you for the early years of concerts, where you would take me and me friends, get us close to the stage, but then hang back at the bar so that we could still be “by ourselves”. Thank you for teaching me no matter how much or how little I have, to still share with those less fortunate. Thank you to both you and mom for teaching me how to be a good person and how to love those around me. How to love family and friends, and the friends that became family. Just thank you for being my father. I don’t know how I got so lucky but I’m thankful I did. Thank you for being my father. I love you and I miss you dad. ❤️