. . .

i can call it proudness.

but deep down i feel otherwise.

Dreamed of Jon again. So clear it seems real.

Dreamed of Jon last night. It's kind of romantic. Our conversation could lead to something. He is married at this time. Maybe I don't think of that in my dream.

I just realized now that it's our anniversary when we were together in highschool and college. Such a coincidence. I'm not thinking about him these days and I don't take note of this day. Just thought about it now.

I remember that day so well. February 3, 2004 or 020304. Such a nice date, my thought as a teenager. We were yahoo e-mailing since December on my desktop PC and ISP Bonanza dial-up prepaid internet. I can still hear the tone when it's connecting.

We are in-love then. I'm teasing him repeatedly to ask me "that" question or I'll ask him myself so we can mark this date. It was after school. We were, as always, in the sari-sari store at the back of our school eating clover bits. Just hanging out before I go home to cook rice before my mother comes from work.

Had a 1/3 bottle of Bailey's.

My narcissist cousin is taking a dig at a sensitive topic he knew i hate.

Why marry? When there's the possibility of your spouse replacing you when you die.

Why make her/him your insurance beneficiary when she'll/he'll only use it to her/his next family?

Take your room. Live at your house. Be the parents to your children.

I hate these situations that I'm not yet in.

When my constants, mother and grandmother, are gone. I know they wouldn't leave me no matter what if they were here.

It's just no matter how I tried, I still end up unhappy.

I bought diamonds, precious things for that happy feeling because I can't get it from people... and still I am not.

I have nothing, no one to look forward to in the morning (except my cats).

I think everyday of where should I be to not feel this way and be in this situation.

I was a happy, positive, sunshine type of person before. I am not living my dream then. And as of now, I don't have a dream.

Some people are sad for me for not being a wife yet and have children but I can't even feel sad for me. I feel blank. I don't know. I just live everyday.

I dreamed of you and your wife.

I have a non-tolerance for cheating.

And so even in my dreams, I dream of you, and you're with her. Can't even attempt even in my dreams.

I miss my baby cat, Scarlett.

I'm so heartbroken.

I don't know how to go on with life.

Today, depression hit me again. There was a trigger. My heart felt so heavy like there's a hole in it. How can i escape this feeling. Thoughts came in. It didn't leave me even when I'm asleep. I feel my body physically sick. I have a slight fever and I felt fatigue and hopelessness.