Andulka
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@angelacetone
Part of me just wants to say like hey honestly I’m feeling pretty bad right now I wish you had time to talk to me
Like he said work was so slow and yet he left me on read and my message wasn’t even that big n he did other stuff online and I just feel kinda sad about it
I say kinda as I’m streaming tears lmao
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I honestly don’t know how long it’s been but it couldve been over a year now that I hadn’t
haha I self harmed wow lmao nothing crazy kinda pussy bitch to be honest but lol
Keeping things to myself
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Poor memory is both a blessing and a curse
Oh yeah and I don’t self harm anymore so that’s cool but I did think about it tonight but being in a relationship has some accountability bc he would see it lel
I accidentally stopped taking my meds and I feel the same but I’m getting a little anxious abt it so I started them again tonight to be safe but eh idk if I’m just triggered or it’s not being on the meds that’s making me more susceptible but who knows I’ll get back on them in case
I also rly am fighting the urge to get the new iPhone pro max but mayyyyyve I’ll wait till next year’s release?? The 5G or just to have it cheaper? idk I am a 7plus rn and I’m pretty outdated in the camera sense like when I look at my IG pics the quality is rip but hmmm
I’m more comfortable with Chris and I not having sex every day we’re together and I don’t take it as personally and I also cum every time if not twice so sex is good and fun n fresh
Chris has had kitties for abt 7 months now and it’s v cool and one just had his bday and that was very cute they’re babies
I spend a lot of time at Chris’ place, like half the week or more, i feel comfy there tho sometimes awkward w his mum but she cares abt me and that’s touching and I know I don’t really need to feel awkward I guess I just feel strange unnecessarily
It’s stressful going between houses I feel like a divorced kid sometimes lmao bc nowhere rly feels super like my own and my current room is an actual pigsty bc I buy everything online and it comes in boxes that I can’t cut and fit in one recycling bin rip
I’m seeing cirque du soilel this coming week actually! Saturday I think which will be really fun B’H and I’m happy we did this - it’s a gift for Chris’ mum and I would like to do more nice things or buy more nice things for her in the year bc she does work so hard to support the family and it’s gotta be super rough and exhausting
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I realise I haven’t been on here in ages
Things are overall good for me, I’m back in uni post the suspension which was only really for one term bc we have three sessions a year but one hardly any courses run through so I went back for second sem this time
I’m in a class w Chris and we are still together, v much in love and he’s great
I’m in trauma therapy and rn we are tackling my eating disorder issues which r still remnants from when I was Technically anorexic binge purge etc
I am just having issues w that bc I’m not as skinny as I used to be & it’s easy for me to hyper fixate on that but I also thought I was doing way better but turns out I was just doing the Ol’ Avoidance again and I’ve been just not looking at my body and pushing thoughts away instead of dealing w them such as I look fat in this...whatever I have to go to work and I don’t have time or energy to change
N still continuing to cover my stomach and stuff
I would like to lose some weight and I am thinking of joining a meal delivery service so I can do that without overly stressing on it? Even tho I know it’s slippery slope but idk
I’ve been doing Judaism classes and I’ve been enjoying it and will try to join a conversion class in the Roman new year when a certain shul runs them then - its currently high holidays rn for Judaism and no classes start in the Jewish new year thus far at least where I am
feeling #Stupid even tho it’s not rly true
I feel anxious asffff I messaged Chris and he hasn’t replied & it’s not like we are having any issues it’s just I’ve sent a goodnight message and he’s not replied and for some reason I was hung up over him messaging me back today and didn’t enjoy my day off as much
I felt dissociated for a bit of it
I have to get up for work in 5 hours and I’m here writing this which is rip but it’s probably better to than go back to looking at pics of skinnier me & pictures of my face in general lel
Super typical but ofc since I’m feeling anxious and have taken a Valium n still feel this way I’m thinking about how I’ll plan what I eat tomorrow to feel better abt it which isn’t good! Bc I shouldn’t resort to eating behaviours just bc
I just feel rly anxious & I know I should get out there w ppl other than Chris more but eh
Am working tomorrow don’t think I’ll be working Wednesday bc work is being weird lmao I was meant to work a tonne this week and I was prepared and now they’ve cut me down so next pay will be :’((( oh well
I love you 💖 so much, I'm feeling sad abt my mum rn I read a post on reddit abt this girls mum stealing her makeup rip but it reminded me of my mum and how she would use mine without asking and I'd get mad but id always wanted to get her some makeup and I have before but I'd wanted to get her something substantial n new stuff n I realise it's cause we didn't have much money that she couldn't afford it n I just happened to use my 50$ a month to get makeup sometimes with what was left over from my phone credit N it's just sad to think about
this was nice
how to stop feeling locked in your body
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I volunteered at lentils this past week. It felt really good. I took orders, brought them out, cleaned glasses, poured juice & chai, cleaned tables etc.
It was nice to feel like I'd accomplished something that day. I had a lot of fun doing it too, mindless stuff really, always something to do when the place was running. You get a free meal when u work there so that was nice too.
Therapy wants to discharge me, I don't know if I've wrote abt that on here yet. I don't really look back over these considering I tend to post here when I'm upset.
I'm a success story. It's sad how because I was in a Really Bad Place when I came in that now I'm not self harming and have a healthy relationship that means I'm good to go. I can understand that. I get it, everyone wants a success story and a discharge - it looks good. Goes on a list as a patient completing their course and a pat on the back for everyone I presume.
I just feel like since I'm not self harming or suicidal anymore, all the other stuff has popped up. Now I have to face my sexual abuse. I still have to face my mother's cancer and her existence in general. I don't know how to do this. I can't burden Chris either. I don't have other friends, I feel alone in this.
Of course there's the abandonment fears, my psychologist is leaving me and returning me to my caseworker. My caseworker is looking to discharge me and I'm sitting in this baby period between now and June where they're Easing me into leaving me.
Speaking of, again don't know if I've said this - Ashlee ghosted me. Which probably also feeds into my abandonment fears. I feel very sad about that. Facebook notifies me when she's online and sometimes I check to see if she's read our chat. She hasn't. It's sad bc I know she's probably still being hurt by her boyfriend and Catherine. It also hurts because she was my friend and we'd sorted things out.
I've bought a bunch of dresses, socks & some shoes for myself.
There were sales and I'm always wanting to buy things.
I got some new airforces, 2 lows (a grey one w holographic swoop, black utilitys) and triple black mids.
I love mids, I'm glad to have a new pair again. I wore the other ones to absolute ruin and they still held up! The sole was just worn open and would get my feet wet and ofc the upper was creased n such.
These and air max 90 triple black I've bought multiple pairs of. I really like these shoes.
I've wanted the utility lows for awhile now, I pictured wearing them w some cute black socks and shorts. Not that I really wear shorts anyway but it's a cute idea. The grey ones were on sale and quite cute looking, I like them.
