A New Leaf

Like anyone else, I have had my share of tragedies and hardships throughout my life. My dad died when I was very young, leaving my mom to take care of my sister and I alone. For the longer portion of my life it has been just us three and I do not regret that for a minute. My mom and sister have been the twin pillars which support the weight of my world. But any girl who grew up without a father figure can relate to the kinds of insecurities that I harbor to this day. Lack of confidence. Trust issues. Problems with authority. Lack of self-esteem. Body image issues. Yearning for approval/acceptance. Frankly, just a lack of love and respect for myself that later on turned into depression. And unfortunately, all of this was masked with a bad attitude. I recognize that my dad’s absence alone did not create my depression, it was a collaborative effort from every unique experience and aspect of my life, but I won’t bore you with every single detail. The point is, I was (and maybe still kinda am) extremely impressionable and extremely unhappy. I used to scroll through social media and look at all these beautiful people (some peers, some complete strangers) with money, cars and clothes going out and having a good time with their friends. I’d catch myself observing people’s lives, thinking “They seem happy! Maybe if I do what they do I’ll be happy too?” but I tried and I wasn’t. The kind of happiness I was looking for could only be found within me. I’d have to dig for it. I’d have to want it really fucking bad, and after almost 4 years of being unhappy, I did.

I started simple by asking myself “What makes you happy Monica?” Well , coffee…cats…really soft socks…sexually provocative novels… and RAIN. God, I love rain. I love the grey sky, the pitter-patter on my window, the smell of wet plants and the warmth of the fireplace. Me and rain go way back. But rain wasn’t going to cure my depression. I have known for a very long time that what makes me happy, what truly satisfies my soul, is charity. I adore the feeling of helping those in need. Shit is like crack to me. My dream is to open a homeless shelter with a program designed to help the homeless turn their lives around and become healthy, happy members of society. Obviously, something like that will take a lot of time and money to jump start, so I reasoned that I couldn’t start my project until I was older.

One day I was sitting on my front porch, after a particularly bad week, watching the rain fall. I was feeling sorry for myself because my mom and sister had just moved to Arizona and I was lonely and stressed out. I was crying, no, BAWLING, and cursing the rain. “Fuck you rain! You’re not that great! You’re just God’s cold piss!” In the midst of my breakdown a little voice inside of me told me  “Monica shut the hell up. Pull yourself together. There are people who have no roof over their head to protect them from this rain and they’re still happier than you.” The depressed part of my personality had been beating the shit out of the happy part of my personality for some time, and it’s like all of a sudden, the happy part worked up the nerve to round-house kick that bitch in the throat. But it was true. I have so much to be grateful for in this life but I was being blinded by depression. So even if it kills me, I decided, I am going to start my campaign to help the homeless and I am going to start by protecting them from this rain.

Thus, A New Leaf was born. A New Leaf symbolizes a fresh start. Not only for the homeless people that I would be helping but for myself too. I don’t want to be praised or thanked as if i’m mother freaking teresa because I am doing this for myself as much as I am doing it for them. It is all out of love, though. A lot of people who know me probably don’t view me as sensitive and considerate because , like I said, I was fighting a battle in my mind and I covered it with an ugly attitude. I have never told anyone about my depression, until recently. My boyfriend, Ismael, has really helped me to verbalize and come to terms with my issues. He has motivated me to be the best that I can be. He has made me feel like I can do anything I set my mind too because I am a strong, independent, bad-ass mother fucker who has been through hell and back. I will always have him to thank for that. Now here I am, sharing my story with the public. All of my feelings and secrets out there for the world to see. I am scared shitless to tell you the truth. But I know it is important that you know where I am coming from so you can really get a sense of how much A New Leaf: Operation Rainy Days means to me. I hope my story inspires you to reflect on the person that you are and make a change.