andy

Started: 07/14/2025

Updated: 02/28/26

nsfw - ☆ sfw: ♡

Doomsday: Short story - mlm ♡

Burdens of Life: George's story - ♡

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Triad: Short story - poly

1 | a pure appetite ☆

2 | desperate desires ☆

3 | horrid dreams ☆

4 | twisted luck ☆ - discontinued

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Wounds and All - mlm ♡

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Softly, abide - wlw ♡

I | encounters with a stranger

II | encounters with a muse

III | encounters with a lover

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Lower than Man -

My goal from this is so everyone kind of can get help with their stories but not in a way that it gets taken over by other people’s suggestions though, like it’s only feedback and we kind of have different week or a few days out of the week where focus on a certain thing someone is struggling on.

I will in control of the group in the sense that o want everyone to have a fair chance with their stories and what they want to say and to keep it civil. I might have someone be an admin if I can’t watch over the chat. I do want to keep it writers and to limit it around a few people. Like at the most five people.

I’ll try to make a Google form for it, to kind of scope out the details and picking people or something. I’ll probably post this on Tumblr, Wattpad and maybe, TikTok if that works.

Link to form

The plot is a work in progress but this is kind of the start of the blurb or whatever this would be called:

VERMONT 2001

Paula Sato-Hitchcock

In winter, it would take a human being hours to days before dying of Hypothermia.

That was what the doctors told her when she first met her foster daughter, but children rarely survived more than a few hours and even that depended on age and many other factors. Paula Hitchcock never thought she would have to wonder about things like this. Winters in Vermont weren’t livable without the proper supplies and shelter. Yet the child—Jane Doe survived in the forest for no more than ten days. The doctors suspected that she wasn’t alone for the entire ten days though because of her age.

Her weight and size didn’t match the normal range for a child her age. She was too small. Paula crept into the hospital room. A cold breeze sneaked into the room before she noticed the window had been left open by a nurse. Paula sighed and walked over to shut it. The girl slept in the fetal position with her thumb in her mouth. Her eyes never left her sleeping form as she sat down on the chair in the corner of the room. Paula’s thoughts ran a mile a second, thinking about what the girl could’ve gone through out there. The police told her that a woman had found her. They thought she was a deceased animal. The thing that stayed with her was that the girl bit the woman’s daughter. The daughter was on a different floor getting treated. Paula saw the teeth marks lining the back of the young girl’s palm. It was disgusting, hard to even look at. But the girl had done it, possibly in a state of fear and confusion. It wasn’t that far off from the state of possibilities in her case.

She acted feral, almost inhuman at times. Growling, baring her teeth, biting people. Paula knew all of this but a small part of her still couldn’t fear her. Her emotions were softening toward the girl. Her and her husband had been assigned to her case as foster parents less than fifteen hours ago. Even through the moments she couldn’t explain, she still saw the girl as human. A child frightened of the world. She barely spoke a lick of English. Paula knew how that felt, spending her entire life in Japan to moving to the states in her teens. There were times when she wondered if she fully understood the language. A knock at the door broke her from her thoughts and Paula glanced toward the door, seeing her husband, Alexander. He leaned against the frame of the door, looking from her to the girl. “You should go home and I’ll look over her,” He spoke softly.

Paula shook her head. “It would better for me to stay here in case, she wakes up.”

“I’ll call you if she does.” Paula turned to the girl with a sigh. If she went home then she would not be able to sleep, so there would be no point. She stood from the chair. “You promise?” Paula walked into her husband’s arms and he hugged her, squeezing her.

“I promise.” Alexander leaned down to kiss her cheek.

Paula listened to beeps of the machines around her as she walked down the hall until she couldn’t hear them anymore. She wandered around the hospital for a bit before having the courage to leave. She didn’t want to leave the girl. She trusted her husband with her, that wasn’t her problem. She feared she was growing attached in such a small amount of time. In the parking lot of the hospital, she saw a familiar figure and walked over to them. The woman who found the girl was sitting down on a bench in front of the hospital with her daughter. She stepped in front of them and waved. “Hey, we didn’t really get a chance to properly meet earlier. I’m Paula Hitchcock,” She greeted them as best she could.

The woman stared up at her with dark brown eyes and the skin to match. Her eyes drew Paula in but kept her at a distance. Paula wondered if she made a mistake approaching them. “I’m Ellie Mayfield and this is my daughter, Enid,” Ellie replied calmly. Her hair was in an afro that had braids on the sides, wrapping around her head like a crown. Her daughter only stared up at Paula blankly. Paula’s eyes wandered to her bandaged hand before looking away. Paula offered a gentle smile. What was she supposed to do in a situation like this?

“I also wanted to make sure the both of you were okay, after what happened. If you ever need anything then I’m here. I don’t know if it’s entirely allowed though but I’m still here.” She tried adding a light element to her tone and she straightened her back. They were both silent until Enid spoke.

“Is she okay?” The young girl whispered, looking down at her hands.

Paula nodded. “Yes, she is really lucky that you two found her in time or she would’ve…not have made it.” A spark had ignited in the girl and she smiled shyly. That surprised Paula not because a small part of her expected Enid to hate Jane Doe but to be afraid of her. She did bite her after all.

“Have the police found anything yet?” Ellie asked.

Paula paused. The police had told her nothing. Most of the information she had learned from the doctors was to be kept between Alexander and her. “No. Nothing yet.” Paula moved her hands behind her and smiled again but it didn’t reach her eyes.

“It was nice meeting you two. I hope soon there will be a next,” Paula finalized the conversation and waved at the mother and daughter. Her retreating form didn’t stop her from hearing Ellie’s voice as she walked away.

“That was weird,” Ellie said before she left Paula’s earshot.

—————————————————————————————————————————

“Jane Doe is fine,” Alexander whispered into the phone, trying to reassure his wife.

It was the next morning, and Paula cleaned the house as much as she possible could. The girl would be coming to live with them in a week, so she had to clean out the spare room. She planned to return to the hospital when Alexander went to work. It would be best for at least one of them to be there with her until she was healthy enough and well, even after that until she got discharged. “She’s still out like a light.” Alex’s voice was monotone and that didn’t help Paula was feeling. Nervous? On edge? It would be immature to say that any of this was normal. She always had a level of nervousness when they had to deal with new fosters. They were always a mixed bag. They knew nothing about this girl other then she was possibly ten years old and even that was a stretch because she was so malnourished and it looked like her growth was stunted.

“We need to pick a nickname for her or something because Jane Doe makes her sound like a corpse,” Paula stepped into her car and started to drive to the hospital.

Nearing the girl’s room, her husband stood in the hallway with a woman and they were talking. Alexander noticed her before the woman did and motioned her to come over. He wrapped an arm around her when she got close enough. Paula smiled at the woman. The name tag on her chest caught her eye and it read ‘Amanda Mario, Child therapist’

“Hi, you must be Paula. I was just telling your husband about a few things that might be of concern about Jane Doe. She doesn’t seem to grasp language which might make it more difficult but I was hoping that we could do a few sessions or even an out-patient care plan when she is fully in your care…to figure out her needs and other things you might need to know about her past if she is able to tell me. And of course, one of you would be in the room the entire time,” Said Amanda. Paula noticed a yellow folder in her hand, and it flipped open slightly to show a picture of Jane Doe on her hospital bed.

Alexander looked at her as if he was asking if she was okay with it and she nodded. “We’ll do it,” He replied. Paula glanced into the room after seeing a small figure moving around. The girl peaked her head out of the door.  The girl barely reached door frame halfway up. Her eyes went straight to Paula’s and she froze.

“We can talk about this a bit later,” Alexander said when he noticed the girl.

Amanda turned to look at Jane Doe, but she kept her distance, bending down to her height. “Hello, Jane. I’m Amanda.” Jane Doe scanned her face but said nothing, clinging on the door of her room. That was when Paula noticed the scars on her arms and legs in full display. She could see her bones.

Amanda stood up and said a quick goodbye before leaving. Paula motioned for Jane to walk back into the room, but she tried not to touch the girl. “Come on, let’s get back into the bed.” Paula talked to Jane.

Alex walked in behind them, without saying a word. He sat down on the chair in the corner. The room was barren except for the common elements of a room in a hospital. It lacked any color. Jane stood in the empty space of the room, staring at her foster parents. Her eyes held nothing that Paula could decipher. It was strange. She wondered what had happened to her for her to not have any grasp of English. Paula tried to make herself a non-threat and relaxed the tension in her body. She moved herself to her knees in front of the girl.

“Are you hungry, Jane?” Paula accompanied her words with elements of American Sign Language. The girl grabbed Paula’s hand, stopping her. She stared at her hand with furrowed brows. A buzz of curiosity left her like she wanted to know what Paula was doing. Paula’s eyebrows raised, watching her.

“V-V…ict…or,” Jane whispered as her eyes stared into Paula’s.

“Who’s Victor?” Paula whispered, bringing her free hand to cup their hands together. “Is that who was with you?” It took a while for it to seem like she understood. Her head tilted down slightly almost like she was trying to nod.

Paula glanced over her shoulder to Alexander with wide eyes and he leaned forward. “Did he take you to the woods?” In split second, it was like Jane’s brain couldn’t process what she said anymore. Paula sighed, nodding. Progress is progress. She thought to herself. “You did good, Jane. How about some food?” She made the sign of food and lifted their connected hands to Jane’s mouth mimicking the sign.

“Can you ask the nurses if they could bring her some food and…something like a coloring book?” Paula removed her hands from Jane’s and allowed her to roam around.

Her thoughts wandered to Victor. Was he another child they would have to look for or was he someone who took her and then left her in the forest? The possibilities were endless. Jane sat on the ground near the chair and leaned her body against the cabinets that encased the television on the wall. Paula stood and grabbed the remote and turned to cartoons. Jane stared up at the television from the corner.

A nurse came in with a tray in her hands. Jane stared from across the room. Her nose sniffed the air like a dog before she slowly walked behind the nurse until she placed the tray on the stand on her bed. Paula guided and helped Jane onto the bed. “Thank you,” Paula whispered to the nurse before she walked out of the room. When they were alone, the three of them, Alexander spoke, “Are you good here? I have to head to work soon?” Paula turned to him and nodded. He left but not before leaving a coloring book and a pack of off brand crayons and the nurse followed.

Paula moved to the edge of the bed. The tips of Jane’s lips curled almost in a snarl, the second she moved an inch closer. “It’s okay. I won’t hurt you.” Paula softened her eyes to seem more approachable. The girl tensed up before pointing at the food. It was a bowl of oatmeal and a banana. She dipped her small pointer finger in the bowl and slowly, guided into her mouth. It was like watching a baby discover food for the first time.

“It would be better to use a spoon,” Paula pointed at the plastic spoon on the right of Jane, but she paid it no mind. She eventually moved from dipping one finger into two fingers. It helped her eat faster. Paula noted that she should help her learn to use tableware. Jane stuffed her face so much it caused her to gag. Paula quickly pulled the bowl away from her. A rumbling noise came from the girl, almost like a growl. Jane launched herself forward, but Paula pushed her back quickly.

“If you eat too fast, you will choke,” She reminded Jane, placing the bowl back. “Slowly…” She scooped up more of the plain oatmeal but her eyes stared holes into Paula as she ate. But slowly, it felt like she understood Paula. Slow progress. There was a knock on the wall, making her turn to the noise, seeing Jane’s doctor. Paula stood up as the woman motioned for her to the door. The doctor’s badge read ‘Janet Bishop, Doctor, Pediatrics’ When Paula got to the door, she noticed a conflicted expression on Janet’s face. That concerned her. No one wants to see that expression on a doctor.

“Is something wrong?” Paula asked.

“The scar…that I mentioned yesterday during her CT. I am to believe that she received a hysterectomy, but it doesn’t seem recent,” Janet said informally.

Paula took in the information as slowly as she could. She checked on Jane and she was eating the banana. A stinging caught her attention until she noticed it was her own eyes welling up with salty tears. “W-what? Are you sure…” Janet nodded. “She’s just a…kid.” Paula ran a hand over her face and held in a small gasp. Almost sob.

Janet paused, watching Paula’s reaction. “We have no records of it happening in Sunridge and I called around but…nothing. I thought maybe it could’ve been a special case. Children don’t normally get…them but it could happen.” Janet’s voice slowed as she cleared her throat.

Paula moved out of the doorway and pressed her back against the wall, next to the door. She tried to remind herself that each foster situation was different and she was emotionally prepared to handle them as they come. But this? What sick bastard does that to a child? Did Jane know or even understand what they took from her? A path of life was taken from her before she even had a chance to decide. It took minutes for the information to sink in but even then, how could she process this? Then she asked, “What’s…going to happen…now?”

“The police will be notified...but that’s doesn’t matter right now. Paula, Are…you sure you’re up for this?” Janet whispered, placing a hand on Paula’s shoulder. They stared at each other. Paula knew Janet. They had spent senior year of high school crowded in the yearbook room together. They were friends at the time as much as Paula knew how to deal with friendships without getting too involved. Paula pulled the doctor’s hand off and nodded with a quick, emotionless smile. It didn’t reach her eyes. “I will be...”

- 2 | the meat, Lower than Man

Prologue

1 | the girl

- Lower Than Man, 1 | The girl

Lower Than Man is a sci-fi horroresque book.

III | encounters with a lover

September 8th

Agnes returned from Mass in an off mood. It wasn’t like she wasn’t happy to be home or to have gone to Mass. She was content about all of it but when she looked at Nora, she remembered the conversation from the day before she sighed deeply.

Agnes Holmes and any form of sexual relations were nonexistent. And it’s been like that for years. And by years, her whole life, except for one moment. She tried not to think about it and ignored it when she did. Like any God-fearing person. Lust wasn’t a thing that blinded her, but she couldn’t get the thought of Nora even writing a poem about sex out of her mind. Or, she just hadn’t given lust an option to blind her. She shook her head.

Maxxie ran up to her, wagging her tail furiously. Agnes picked her dog up and carried her off to her bedroom. Sounds came from the spare bedroom. A tapping noise. It sounded like Nora was working.

“I think I’m gonna lose my mind.” she trailed off as her eyes fell to Maxxie. “Maxxie…” She kissed the dog’s head before putting her down on her bed. Maxxie laid down with her body out stretched.

A knock made her ears ring. She turned, seeing Nora. The poet stood in the doorway and said, “Did you just come back? I didn’t hear come in.” Agnes sat down next to Maxxie.

“Are you okay?” Asked Nora as she walked into her bedroom.

She nodded but her mind was unravelling. Pulling at the seams. She glanced up at Nora’s face and really looked at her. She had freckles littering her dark olive skin. Her nose at times looked slightly crooked but it suited her face. Curly hair ran down her shoulders. “I’m fine, I’m just tired.” Half truths were better than lies.

Nora stared then narrowed her eyes. She bent down, making eye contact with Agnes. “I’ve been around you long enough to know when you’re lying, Agnes Holmes.” Her hand moved to Agnes’s bare knee. Agnes didn’t know whether to stare at Nora or at her hand.

“Is it because of yesterday because I wasn’t trying to make you upset if I did.” The poet’s thumb traced circles into her knee. She swallowed as her eyes moved down to look Nora in the eyes.


“You didn’t make me upset…I-I just don’t see why you just didn’t tell me.” Agnes explained, choking up on her words. Her hand remained on Agnes’s knee. She tried counting in her head to distract herself but every time she got to twenty, Nora’s hand moved up to her thigh back to her knee. Like she was trying to comfort her. But she didn’t realize how much it was driving Agnes crazy.

“I didn’t tell you because some of the poems are about you.” Nora whispered.

“I know as a friend, so I don’t…that’s not answering.”

“It is…answering.” Nora sighed but her eyes softened, pleading almost for Agnes to understand.

Nora had leaned in without Agnes realizing and laid her head on her knee. This made Agnes freeze. She forced out a shaky breath. Breathe, Agnes. Breathe. Her breathing became shallow and she tried to rethink Nora’s words. Then they sunk and tears welled up in her eyes. Her hand hovered for a moment over Nora’s hair. “Why are you writing about me?”

“Is it that hard to comprehend?” Nora’s words weren’t annoyed or angry but soft and tender.

Nora pulled away with her eyes slowly meeting Agnes’s again. Reaching out her hand, she wiped away the tears. “There is no college ex-girlfriend. There’s only you. I like you; it’s not something I want to hide and it’s okay if you don’t like me…I’ll get over it.” Maxxie ran from out of the room, when Nora stood up, moving to sit down next to Agnes on the bed.

Agnes felt herself breaking from inside. Everything that her father told her. Everything that the coaches from the camp told her. Came crashing down in an instant. She built brick walls around herself for years and now, they were gone and she was exposed. Naked for the first time in her entire life. And she could barely find the words. Nora looked worried at Agnes’s silence.

“You like me?”

“I do.” Nora whispered.

“Oh. And there’s no one else?”

“Nope.”

“Oh.” Agnes whispered. “I’ve thought about…you…but I didn’t know if I could be like that.”

Nora placed her hand on Agnes’s cheek, making her look at her. Her thumb ran across the skin. She focused her attention on the way Nora was looking at her. Her eyes never looked anywhere else. Nora kissed her other cheek and let go. “Think about it some more if you need to. I won’t rush anything.”

A thought came to her mind, but she let it simmer for a couple of seconds and before she could stop herself she said, “Can you kiss me?” Nora’s eyes widened but she quickly recovered, leaning down.

“Are you sure?”

No. “Y-Yes.” The feelings she had been holding back for months flooded her mind and she just wanted them silent for even a moment. Her breath stuttered. Closed fists rubbed against her thighs. What the fuck am I doing? She thought. Her brain was fried.

The kiss made everything go quiet. Nora’s lips were soft and Agnes noticed the tiny noise that came out of the poet when their lips touched. Warmth spread across her and couldn’t breathe. Nora’s hand grabbed her chin, pulling her in further. She whispered something that Agnes couldn’t make out between the kisses. Her eyes fell closed when Nora’s hand moved to her lap. It only lasted a few seconds, but it felt like minutes had gone by. Nora’s lips almost tasted sweet.

When they pulled away, Nora leaned her forehead against Agnes’s. “Please…don’t regret it.” Nora whispered with her eyes still closed.

Agnes didn’t say anything, but her eyes said everything. They were soft and wanting. She brushed her nose against Nora, wanting to kiss her again but moved against it. She thought of Ginna in that moment and how they would spend time together in her bedroom. They were kids but they curious ones.

 It was only one kiss. She wanted to regret it. To push every moment where she felt love and care for Nora away, but she didn’t. Agnes reached up and ran her thumb against Nora’s cheek.

“I won’t but I’m scared.” She whispered. “Of everything…”

The tender moment snapped in two. Nora pulled away but her eyes remained on Agnes. “You’re scared of your dad finding out…that you kissed a girl?”

Agnes shook her head, ever so slowly. “That I have feelings for a girl.” She moved her thumb against Nora’s bottom lip, aimlessly. She was doing things she wouldn’t have thought of doing. Maybe, it wouldn’t be so bad to let good things be for a moment. Nora and her. Her father would disown her. It was one thing to stop speaking to her but allowing her to go back home under certain circumstances and another for him to do that. She had fallen. She had let her desires consume her, even though they felt natural. Like they were meant for her.

Nora’s head fell lightly to Agnes’s shoulder. “I don’t want you to feel guilty.” Agnes laid her chin on top of the poet’s head.

“I need you…too much to feel guilty.” Agnes whispered into the air, but it didn’t fall onto deaf ears. The poet breathed against her skin, making her shiver. She kissed the exposed skin, peeking from Agnes’s collar bone.

Tears fell down her cheeks slowly. She wasn’t crying because she was upset or because she didn’t want Nora to touch her. She did but the moment was too tender. To soft. Her heartbeat pounded in her chest and her breath held within it. It was only one kiss and Nora pulled away. She noticed Agnes, wiping them away.

“It’s okay.” She whispered. Nora smiled tragically. “I’ll be here no matter what.”

September 28th

Agnes wished she could wander the earth without any need human interaction. Be a sojourner in the earth and be one with Him in Heaven for the rest of eternity as He wished. Who would protest to her leaving? Her parents? Doubt it. Adam? He would miss her, but he would eventually get over it. Nora? She couldn’t think of what Nora would do. Her thoughts halted as a half-asleep Nora rolled onto her side.

Agnes stared at the wall with a blank expression. Her mind had not let go of the kiss from nearly a month ago. Nothing happened since then, if you can take only kissing as something happening. A part of her was glad. The other half, however, wanted more. And she felt guilty about that. To crave touch that she shouldn’t. To crave someone…she shouldn’t. She moved from her sitting position to lie down, facing Nora. Her delicate features were softened, almost resembling an angel. She wanted to reach her hand out and touch Nora. But she didn’t, instead, she turned to grab her phone from off the nightstand.

Her phone opened to an article she had been reading the night before. Something about James Bishop. He was a gay activist and author. The more she read, she found out, he was Christian. It talked about how he didn’t lose his faith when he accepted his sexuality. She thought about if she could do the same. Accept herself as she was and still be with Him. At the end of the article, it showed a picture of Bishop and his partner with their two cats. That made her think of Nora and Maxxie. Not living alone was appealing. Until Nora, she had gotten used to coming home to only Maxxie. It had barely been three months since Nora and her poems.

There was movement behind her and then, a groan escaped Nora. She glanced over her shoulder to look at her. “What…time is it?” Her voice was deeper than usual. Agnes looked at her phone for the time before turning her body to fully face Nora.

“Twelve,” Agnes said.

Nora rubbed her hands over her face to wake herself up. When she stopped, there was pause in the air. Then, she turned her head to the side to look at Agnes. “How long have you been awake?”

“For an hour.”

Nora rolled her eyes. “And why didn’t you wake me up? I could’ve made breakfast.” She wrapped her arms around Agnes’s shoulders, pulling her close enough that their noses touched.

“You should’ve woke me up…”

“You needed to sleep. You stayed up all time.”

Nora pecked Agnes’s lips then a deeper kiss followed. A whimper left Agnes. “Well, I’ll cook us lunch or I could order something…” She dragged her lips to kiss the corner of Agnes’s mouth. Her hand clenched around the poet’s shirt as she kissed her again. Her body melted into Nora’s.

The poet moved her body to hover over Agnes’s and steading the kiss. “N-Nora.” Whispered Agnes as she tried to get her attention. Her body grew hot and Nora’s hands begun to wander underneath her shirt. “Nora…”

Nora made a noise like she was listening to her, but Agnes couldn’t figure out if she actually were. She let out a shaky breaths in between each kiss. “The food.” Agnes didn’t care about the food, but she didn’t want it to go too far.

“I’m sorry. Okay.” Nora pulled away, blinking down at Agnes. Like she had just realized what they were close to doing. “Shit.” She sighed as she ripped herself off the bed and left the room without another word.

Agnes stared at the ceiling as she tried to catch her breath. It wouldn’t be the first time something like this happened between them, but it never went too far. Nora always stopped. Her body shook as she noticed the uncomfortable feeling below her waist. She got out of bed and took a shower. When she was done, she strolled into the kitchen and Nora staring at her phone.

“We can talk about it,” Agnes said, walking in front of Nora and pulling her phone down.

Nora grabbed Agnes’s hands and pressed them together. She pressed her lips against them, her eyes never leaving Agnes’s. “I won’t do anything. You don’t have to worry.” She let Agnes’s hands go and returned to her phone.

Agnes replayed her words in her head. There was moment, a split second, where she wished she could be without the need of Nora. She needed her too much. But she didn’t know how well she would be able to handle the thought of them going beyond kissing. She knew Nora wasn’t upset with her, she could tell that much.

“I trust you,” Agnes whispered as she pulled Nora into a hug, wrapping her arms around her shoulders. She leaned into the crook of Nora’s neck and closed her eyes. Nora returned the hug and wrapped her arms around Agnes’s waist. They stayed like that for a minute before pulling away. Agnes kissed her cheek and smiled softly.

“I would hope you do…trust me.” Nora gave her a smug look, playing with the hem of her shirt, twirling it in her fingers.

“What did you order?” Agnes asked.

“Burgers.”

October 5th

It was her father’s birthday. She stared at the reminder on her phone and closed her eyes at the thought of calling him. So, she sent him a text message and locked her phone. A message from him showed seconds later and she froze. He asked her to come down to Florida. Agnes didn’t respond and sighed. It was the first time; he had ever responded to her texts or calls in years. She wondered what changed. Then a thought of Adam telling their dad about her and Nora crossed her mind. And she texted him. Did you tell dad about Nora and me?

It took him hours to respond and by that time, Nora had got back from her apartment. And it was only a simple no from him. She felt relieved. Nora stood in front of her bed, staring down at her phone. But it still didn’t answer why he wanted to see her. She pushed thoughts of her father away and focused on Nora. “Did you bring me anything?” she joked lightly.

Nora turned to faced her. Her eyes snapped to Agnes. Something was wrong. Agnes noticed it when their eyes met. Her eyebrows furrowed. “What’s wrong?” The poet shook her head.

“It’s nothing…it’s just I wanted to ask if you wanted to go on date with me?”

Before Agnes could speak, Nora cut her off. “Outside of the apartment, Agnes.” Leaned her body on the bed by her hands. Agnes didn’t know how to respond. She wanted to leave the apartment; they had before. But not as what they are now. What were they again? Were they dating?

She nodded. “When?”

“Sunday. After you get back from Mass.” Agnes froze at the word. She shook her head.

“Why not Saturday?” Agnes asked.

“We can do Saturday. Just normally, you spend hours copped up in here, thought you would want to get out after Mass.” Nora crawled onto the bed and flopped on the other side.

Agnes pressed her back into the bed frame and feeling the wood of it against her. “Both days are fine.” She turned to look down at Nora before leaning down and kissing her cheek.

“It doesn’t feel like it is.” Nora grabbed her by the cheek, pulling her face closer. Her fingernails brushed against the hairs on her neck. “Tell me…what’s on your mind?” Piercing eyes stared back at Agnes.

Her mouth opened and closed. Sunday was for Him. Keep the sabbath holy. He commanded. She licked her lips. Her mind was split in two: Nora’s eyes and keeping her sanity in check. She wanted to kiss her and she buried the thought. “Sunday is for Him.” She whispered. She couldn’t help but lean her face down. She stopped before their lips touched.

“Fridays and Saturdays are for you.” She whispered into Nora’s lips. Weekdays were for work for the both of them, so they rarely saw each other except when Nora popped with cupcakes her coworker gave her on a random Wednesday. Agnes pressed their foreheads together.

“So, todays for me?” Nora chuckled before slipped her hand into Agnes’s straightened hair. She nodded, needing to kiss her. So, she did. It was kind and forgiving until it wasn’t. But as always nothing happened.

Oct 6th

Agnes stared at Nora’s empty seat after she had left to go to the bathroom. They had only been out of their first date for less than an hour and a half and her nerves were out of control.

She had never been on a date before, and she assumed it would just be like how it was on July 4th. Before she had the wine. Nora returned, patting her hands on the dress she was wearing. It was a long brownish red dress that covered every inch of her body except her neck and above her collarbone. Her curls were pulled back into a pinned back in a bun.

Agnes watched her seat down and she thought about how beautiful Nora looked. Her face heated up when Nora caught her gaze. “I don’t mind you staring but make sure you pick something good; I might want to try it.”

“Oh,” Agnes whispered and glanced down at the glass of water in front of her.

The waiter came and went and they talked about anything that came to mind. “Have you ever gone to Egypt, since your mom’s from there?” Nora shook her head.

“She rarely talked about it. I figured my dad didn’t want to either. I don’t know what happened and I stopped asking. I think it might’ve had something to do with her parents,” Nora took a sip of water.

“They met when my mom was an exchange student and became friends then I popped up while they were in college. My sisters came later.”

Agnes nodded, thinking about a younger Nora. Nora gave her small things about her life outside of her, but she would have to ask or otherwise she wouldn’t hear anything about it. “Do they…are they okay about what you are?”

Nora tapped her fingers against the table, staring at the question as if it was floating in the air. “My mom is from what she says anyway.” She didn’t push on the fact that Nora didn’t mention her father. Agnes knew for a while now that he had passed when Nora was thirteen. She laid her hand on Nora’s, trying to comfort her in a way. It only made herself conscious of the other people around them. But she tried not to pull away.

“How’s Mary and Joey?” Agnes asked, wanting to change the subject.

Nora played with her fingers. “She wants us to start doing those coffee dates again and Joey wants to have a birthday party for one of his friends.” It calmed the poet down to touch her.

“Do you want to go?” Agnes asked as the waiter came with their food.

She moved her hand back. “We can if you want. The party’s on the 12th.” Nora’s eyes glanced at her plate than at Agnes’s face.

“That’s fine with me.” She whispered.

October 12th

Joey’s house wasn’t as filled as she thought it was going to be. She imagined he would have more friends. There were only less than ten people not counting Joey himself. He had always seemed like the type of person that had an extreme amount. They all lingered around his living room.

There were kid toys thrown around. She didn’t know much about Joey. Besides what she had assumed. Nora handed her a soda, and they went to the dining table that was weirdly placed directly behind the couch in the living room. Mary kissed Agnes and hugged her, dragging her into the sit next to her. Nora sat on Agnes’s left.

She felt eyes on her and turned to see the birthday boy staring at her. Agnes smiled awkwardly. She had never met him before and if she remembered correctly, his name was Erik. Her hand clenched the soda before placing it in front of her. The party had been going for an hour before they showed up. And Joey was tippy.

“We should play a game…”

A choirs of groans followed even from Erik. “I don’t want to play your weird games on my birthday, dude.”

“Fine, we can play uno.” Joey said defeatedly.

September 13th

They came back to her apartment after midnight on that Saturday. She wondered how to feel. The tone of the air was stable and calm, but something was nagging her. Nora kissed her cheek before saying something about taking a shower. The shower turned on in the close distance. Agnes sat down on her bed, staring at her hands. She had came to terms with what was going on. The future was coming to her mind quite often. What she wanted with a relationship with Nora and where it would go. She whispered, “Let Your Will be done.”  Nora said she would wait for Agnes but how long would she truly wait for her to be ready? A year? Five? Ten? She shook her head at the idiotic thought.

She was just giving herself more to worry about. Her phone buzzed on her nightstand and a message from her father appeared. I will be coming to you instead. Her heart stopped. By the time, Nora walked into her room, her whole body was shaking. Tears sting her eyes.

“Are you okay?” Nora whispered.

Agnes saw her feet before she saw anything else until Nora lifted her face with her chin. Their eyes met and Agnes let out a choking noise. “Hey…” Her eyes softened at the sight of Agnes, and she hugged from where she was standing. Agnes nosed her face into her shirt. Silent tears fell, staining Nora’s shirt. Minutes flew by before either of them spoke, but when it happened, Nora’s voice echoed in her mind.

“It’s your dad isn’t?” Her voice was low but tender. She wasn’t whispering it like it was a secret between them. Agnes nodded when she had stopped crying.

“H-He’s coming here.” Agnes pulled away to look up at Nora, watching her facial expression. It was eerily calm. Nora reached down, wiping the tears away with her thumb.

He’ll ruin everything. She thought. Everything she built since she’s known Nora. She couldn’t let that happen, but she couldn’t run from him and his judgmental gaze. “Do you want me to lea-.”

“No. Never.” Agnes shook her head. “Stay here.”

“I don’t want to get in between you and your family, Agnes.” Nora argued.

Agnes grabbed the hand that was on her face and kissed it. “He’s the one that got in between me and my family. I want you…to stay.” Nora smiled without it reaching her eyes.

She could tell Nora was still worried about it. She racked her brain for a way to reassure her. “He wouldn’t touch my apartment with a ten-foot pole. Maxxie would bite him if she got a whiff of him.” That got a small, amused noise from the poet.

Eventually, Agnes left to take a shower. When she got back, Nora was still awake. Normally, she would fall asleep before Agnes. It took her longer to fall asleep. Nora was on her phone, typing something. Agnes crawled into bed and turned to Nora. “You have church in the morning. You should sleep.” Nora whispered, turning off her phone and turning to face Agnes.

“I will,” Her eyes fell to Nora’s lips.

“We both should sleep.”

Agnes nodded but she leaned in, kissing Nora. And they fell into a familiar game. But Agnes lifted herself to sit on Nora’s lap. The poet’s eyes widened before she pulled Agnes down to kiss her again. Nora kissed her harder. Deeper than before. It was desperate. She pulled Agnes down by her neck. The same hand moved to her hair and tangled between the curls. Agnes hadn’t straightened her hair that day. A moan escaped her, and she felt hot all over. What was she doing? She tried to focus on the moments in between the kisses, but Nora’s other hand slipped into her shorts. And she let her. Her face fell to the crook of her Nora’s neck and she pushed out a shaky breath.

“I-Is this, okay?” Nora whispered nervously.

Agnes nodded. “It’s okay.” She forced words out, trying to focus on the words and not Nora’s hand. She kissed Nora’s neck and moaned into it.

The art of needing something so much that it consumed you. The moment felt like that for Agnes. Like it was filling a hole, she could not fill. An itch she couldn’t scratch. And the moment it was satisfied, she needed more. She needed Nora and letting her go wasn’t a possibility. A gentle sin was committed in her mind but in her heart, it was anything but a sin.

An hour later, she traced the outline of Nora’s shoulder with her pointer finger. Her body was wrapped in Nora’s arms, and she listened to her heartbeat. It was slow and steady because she had fallen asleep. She liked the warmth that came from Nora. It was a nice contrast to the coldness of the room. She wished she could just stay like this with Nora. Not having to worry about anything else again but she wasn’t that naïve. She was human though.

“Go to sleep.” Nora whispered groggily, kissing Agnes’ forehead. She laid her head on Nora’s chest and closed her eyes.

October 31st’

Sunlight bloomed into Agnes’s bedroom, waking her up. Her body was faced with Nora’s back and reached out to touch the outline of spine. The light fell on her skin in a way that almost looked like she was glowing like an angel. She littered kisses from one shoulder to the other. “You’re beautiful.” She whispered. Nora made a noise and turned over, pulling her into a soft embrace.

“Beautiful?” Nora whispered back, smiling. Agnes pressed her face into the crook of her neck and closed her eyes. Time would have to freeze for Agnes to stop loving her. She realized the soft nudging of the feeling months ago, but she didn’t have a name for it. Love. With their bodies tangled together, Nora pulled Agnes into a kiss. It would’ve tasted sweet if it weren’t for the morning breath they both had.

“You’re always beautiful.”

“Choose your words wisely, Aggie or neither of us are getting out of this bed.”

Agnes’s fingers traced the outline of the poet’s face as she deepened the kiss. Her heart swelled as she thought about wanting more of it. The kisses, the love, Nora. It was a pity she did need to get out of bed to take Maxxie outside. Nora groaned when Agnes pulled away. “I have to take Maxxie outside.” She got out of bed and quickly got dressed.

The evening came quicker than she hoped because she got another text from her dad. He had booked a plane ticket for a roundtrip to see her. He would only be there for a few days. She knew her mom was forcing him to try to rekindle their relationship. Her mother had told her last week when she had taken Adam’s phone during a phone call. She was surprised that her mom didn’t feel the need to mediate the whole thing and got him to take time off of work. Her father hated taking time off work for anything much less for Agnes.

She stared at the open book in her hand and closed it, getting bored. Nora was sitting next to her with her laptop, writing. Agnes watched her from the small distance between them. “Do you want to read what I wrote?” Nora glanced over at her with sweet eyes.

Agnes nodded as she leaned over to see the poem. She noticed that the document was nearing the end and she hadn’t read much of it. She thought about waiting to read the whole thing if Nora ever published it. And if she did, the poem she was staring at would be the last one she would read.

Late have I 

loved you

And late have 

I touched you

Words flee from my mind

 but never to where you are,

my sweet lamb.

An age may pass but if my words of love

find their way to your heart let it be by 

my lips alone.

‎بحبك وبعشقك

Warmth spread across her face as she reread it. The poems were about her she knew that now. She remembered all of the poems she read until this one. “You love me?” Her eyes flicked to Nora’s nervous ones. Her mouth opened and closed for a second and then she nodded.

“Thought you knew…I love you, Agnes.”

“Oh.” Her brain went to mush, but she smiled through it, letting it reach her eyes.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I thought you just liked me.” Agnes joked.

Nora rolled her eyes and kissed her cheek. “I love you too.” Even with her father’s message sitting unanswered on her phone, the moment felt calmer than she expected. A bit anti climatic. It took her a moment to realize she preferred it that way. She didn’t want a grand confession or an angry one. She just wanted Nora to talk to her.

“We’re adults now. Liking is for kids.”

Nov 8th

The diner Agnes met her father in was small and cozy. It was close to the airport, and he said it was because he was hungry from his flight. Thomas Holmes sat at a booth near the back of the diner and there was a plate of pancakes in front of him. Her legs took a lot of convincing to move from the entrance. He’s only going to be here for a few days and then he’ll be gone. She thought as she walked over to him and slid into the booth. He didn’t acknowledge her for the first couple of seconds.

She leaned against the cold booth, wanting to sink into it. His voice had been a constant in her life for the past ten years and now, he won’t even speak to her. “Dad?” He hummed, turning to look out the window.

“C-Can you just look at me? Speak to me?” Her hands shook as she leaned her body against the table. She slowly reached out her hand, but Thomas snatched his hand off the table before she could touch him.

He turned to look at her, finally with a distant expression. He looked at her like a stranger and not his daughter. His only daughter. “I like what you’ve done with your hair. The curls look better of you…like your mother’s.” Then he cleared his throat when the waitress came to take her order.

The only thing she could stomach was a coffee, and it didn’t take long for her to get it. Her thoughts wandered to Nora and what she might be doing. “Thank you. Where are you staying? I could take you there after you eat.” She offered. Her shaking hands slid back into her lap.

He pursed his lips. “I think I can manage. No need to cause any trouble.”

Agnes nodded, sipping her coffee. Why does she even bother? He won’t accept her even if she was dying and it was his last words to her. Tears welled up in her eyes, but she blinked away the tears. “Yeah, but I have a car, dad and I don’t want you stranded in a city you don’t anything about.” She tried her best not to let her voice shake.

He placed his fork down and let out a deep sigh. “What do you want from me? I came because your mother kept pestering me about it. Said something about…doesn’t matter.” He wiped a hand over his mouth.

“This is pointless.” She whispered but he heard her anyway.

His jaw twitched. “Nothing has changed.” She said louder. “You are the same man that sent m-” Agnes caught herself before she blunted out anything and stood up from the booth.

“You hate me, I get but I am still your daughter.” She swallowed as she watched his face for any reaction to her words. There was a glimpse of pain in his eyes, but it disappeared in a matter of seconds.

“Call me when you want to have an actual conversation, Thomas.” Then she left the diner.

Her apartment was cold when she returned. Maxxie and Nora had gone on a walk. She would be alone for another hour. She wanted to scream, to throw something, to…hurt him. Something to get her mind from the pressure building in her chest. Tears fell down her cheeks and a sob escaped. Her body took her to the couch, and she sunk into it. It was pathetic to feel this way she knew that. She knew her father would react the way he did. She knew him and yet, a small part of her, wanted to see if he had changed even a little bit.

It had been ten years, and she had gone back home once, and he wasn’t even there. Her breathing came out like she was wheezing. She rubbed a fist over her chest but it didn’t help.

Eventually, she ended up in her bedroom and climbed into bed, not even moving when the front door opened. “Agnes.” Nora’s voice echoed through the apartment and she lifted the cover over her head.

“Are you okay?” Her voice was closer that time and then a hand was on her shoulder.

“How was the breakfast with your dad?” She asked.

“I shouldn’t’ve gone.” Agnes spoke up and removed the cover from her face.

Nora sat down by her legs, rubbing Agnes’s legs. It felt nice to be comforted. Agnes spent her life wanting to be comforted…to be loved by someone. She had it with Nora. And she was crying over her dad. “But you would’ve regretted if you didn’t.” Her voice was sweet, almost angelic. Nora crawled to the other side of the bed and wrapped Agnes in her arms. She relaxed in them, tracing her fingers over Nora’s arm.

Nov 10th

Her mom kept calling her and by the time the afternoon came, she had called her over ten times. Agnes shut down her phone after the tenth call. She knew it was about her father and she didn’t care. Her mom would try to convince her to see him again, but it was useless in her eyes to try to get through to him. Why should she be the one to convince him that she was a human being? That she was his daughter. Agnes watched Nora rummaged through the cabinets of the kitchen, looking for a pot. The ingredients that Nora needed for the dish weren’t available in any store around them and it was too late for her to order it from a store an hour away. The poet was sulking.

“We could just order pizza,” Agnes said defeatedly, staring at the cup in her hand. It was empty but needed something to distract herself.

Nora let out a huff and sat down on the kitchen floor. She looked annoyed. “I wanted to make dinner,” She whispered.

“I could do it,” Agnes responded, getting up to meet Nora in the kitchen. Nora laid her head on the fridge behind her and stared up at her. She reached out her hands, pulling Agnes down to her. “I wanted to make you something.”

She pulled Agnes into her lap and hugged her. In that moment, everything felt natural. To be held was something Agnes relished in. She leaned her head against Nora’s shoulder.

“What about pasta?” She whispered into Nora’s ear. The poet shivered, tightening her grip.

“Don’t whisper in my ear like that?” Nora complained but her smile said the opposite. Her annoyed expression vanished within seconds and something else replaced it.

“Why?” Agnes asked jokingly with a soft smile.

Nora ran her fingers through Agnes’s hair. It was a gentle touch. The poet’s fingers grazed her hairline to her cheek to her lips before stopping and brushing it across her lower lip. “Because I’m supposed to be annoyed and…now, I want to just touch you.” There was a pause like Nora was thinking about what she had just said.

Aggie moved her head from the poet’s shoulder and held her eyes tightly. She let out a breath. “You could do both.” It was bold, she knew that. Tempting Nora into something they hadn’t done before or even talked about.

Just about everything that had done thus far had been gentle and loving. What she wanted or at least she thought she did. They should talk more about the sexual dynamic between them, but it felt awkward for Agnes being as that she had only had sex with Nora. Nora stared back at her without saying anything like she was hesitant.

Agnes leaned her forehead against the poet’s. Still staring into her eyes. Quietly, she breathed in Nora’s presence. She couldn’t tell what Nora was thinking until Nora reached for cheek then leaned forward to kiss her. “Nora, I don’t want to makeout on the floor.” Nora nodded, seconds later, Agnes was being carried to her bedroom and laid on the bed.

“We can about this now or we can talk about it later," Nora explained. “About…the sex.” They were adults and most adults had somewhat healthy relationships with sex, but Agnes was not one of them. She barely even had a relationship with it.  

Nora stood over her at the front of the bed. Her hands wrapped around Agnes’s ankles. “We can do whatever you want to do.” Her hands tightened a bit.

“Talk about it later.” She moved Agnes’s legs to wrap around her hips and leaned in to kiss her again. “Just tell me what you do and don’t like.”

“Okay.” Said Agnes with a nod.

Nov 17th

“Are you going to tell Mary about us?” Agnes whispered.

They were in her bedroom and she was wrapped in Nora’s arms. The day was spent in bed and with Agnes, wondering if she could talk about this with her priest. She would have to schedule a day for confession with him. Praying about her relationship with Nora and going to Him about it was important to her but also awkward because of the rules on chastity for people like her. She had stopped thinking about how the church would see their relationship a long time ago.

But there were still the looming emotions of it. Feeling like she was disappointing the Church but she tended to push them away when they came. She leaned her forehead against Nora’s collarbone. Her question was still in the air and she waited for Nora to respond.

“No, do you want to? She knows I’m a lesbian. Don’t think she would care that much. I think she would be more surprised by you than anything else.” Nora explained, she placed her chin on top of Agnes head.

“You can tell her.” Mary would be the first to know about them. She knew there was nothing to hide between them. Mary and Agnes weren’t exactly the best of friends. She cared more about her brother or mother’s response to their relationship than anything else but that would have to wait. Adam knew she liked Nora and that they kissed but she didn’t tell anything besides that. And her mother knew nothing.

“Isn’t it weird though? You haven’t told anyone you like women and you want me to just come out to people for you?”

Agnes thought about it. “I’ll do it then.” She brushed a finger against the bare skin of Nora’s hip.

II | Encounters with a muse

June 14th

“It’s a poetry book, Nor.” Mary whispered over her coffee. Her eyes ran across Nora’s face.

Mary had begun to invite Nora and Agnes out for coffee. It had begun weeks prior and Agnes liked the calmness of it. She got to know Nora more. Her doubts, fears, and the things she cared about. Her black curls were brushed back in a neat bun. Staring got her know nowhere. She turned away back to Mary as she pushed the idea of a poetry book with Nora.

“I rarely ever write poetry, and I never know what to write about.” Nora answered, clenching her mug of black tea. She was wearing a pair of black circular glasses that gave her a softer look.

“You need a muse.”

“A muse?” Nora rolled her eyes as a laugh left her. “I’m not a painter. Why would I need a muse?”

“Poets have muses.”

“Aren’t they normally lovers?” Agnes questioned.

“Normally but it can be anyone really that the person has a strong connection to.” Nora looked at Agnes as she answered her. She felt like her eyes were burning her.

“Oh…”

“What about me?” Mary joked as she finished her coffee and dug into the brownie in front of her. “Or even Agnes.” Agnes’s face heated up to the sound of her name.

Nora spoke to her, but she didn’t deny the suggestion. “Friends as muses? Really Mary?”

“What? It would be fun. Like you take a trip and then you can spend time together to see if anything sparks your interest.” Agnes cleared her throat. She could feel her breathing tighten in her chest as the words hung in the air. Why would she be an option? They barely spoke outside of Mary or Joey being around.

“Would you mind?” Nora turned to her with softened eyes and she froze. Alerts went off her mind as she soaked in the words. Her ears rang and she didn’t hear her own voice, but she saw Nora’s reaction to it. It was a lovely smile.

The 1st weekend – Jun 18th

“Sorry, I tried to clean up as much as I could," Agnes apologized as she unlocked the door to her apartment.

That weekend would the first time they were alone together. Except for Maxxie. Nora glanced around her apartment with curiosity. “No, it feels lived in. Cozy.” She was carrying a book bag with what she would need for the weekend.

“So, where am I sleeping?” Nora moved to sit at the kitchen table.

There was a spare bedroom. Agnes rarely ever went inside of it. She attempted to make it look presentable. Given the last time someone besides her was in there was about two months ago when maintenance showed up. “Spare bedroom. What…What are you going to be writing?”

Nora chuckled. “Straight to business.” Her fingers danced against the table, lightly tapping on the wood. Her eyes lowered, watching them and a thought that was far from anything good cross her mind. She cleared her throat.

“Poetry, mainly about whatever comes to mind.” Nora’s eyes swept across her with content but there was something else there. She had to remind herself that they were still one step off from being strangers still, so her thoughts were inappropriate.

Thoughts of Nora other than her being Agnes’s friend were buried and that was that. Nothing more nothing less. For her own peace of mind. It wasn’t only that issue though. “But…why me and not Mary? She’s your friend.” It would be better if you choose her. She wanted to add.

Nora stayed silent for minutes before speaking. A tight-lipped smile spread across her face. “Would it mean anything if I said…I want it to be you?” She licked her lips nervously.

“You aren’t…you know, so I thought it would be easier to write about you.”

“How would it be easier?”

Nora cleared her throat. “Because I’m gay and you aren’t. I would only be writing about a person I knew and then you as a…friend.”

Sunlight shined through the window in her kitchen. It spread to where the table was and shined on Nora’s face. There was a long moment of silence between them. “Does that make sense?”

No. “Yes.”

2nd weekend – Jun 26th

It would necessary for Agnes Holmes to focus on the book in her hand. The book was a fantasy book about witches but ultimately, it was a love story between a princess and a male witch. Another employee at her job had recommended it to her. Yet, her eyes wandered to Nora sitting at the kitchen table with her laptop in front of her. She had a book from a Greek poet next to her.

She was still reeling from Nora telling her that she was a lesbian. And how she could be so open about it was beyond anything Agnes could comprehend. So calm and accepting of that part of herself. Agnes never would’ve said it out loud. To her, it felt to vulnerable and terrifying. She had spent years burying that part of herself, avoiding it. Only to meet someone like Nora and it to be thrown in her face.

Her father’s words to her as a teen were clear on what she was. You are not of God. And if you wish to be His than you deny whatever the enemy is telling you. Agnes pulled her eyes away from her friend and went back to her book.

Jun 27’

“Can I see what you wrote?” Asked Agnes as she finished cleaning the kitchen after dinner.

Nora was sitting on the couch with her head resting on the armrest. The rising and resting of her breathing made Agnes think that maybe she was sleeping. But Nora turned to look at her with blank eyes. “I’ve only wrote a few stances.” She whispered as she sat up and reached for her laptop that was on the floor. Agnes plopped on the couch next to her. She ignored the touching of their shoulders as she leaned over to see the laptop screen.

Our souls once danced
at the birth of the universe.

And now,
with the weight of the world,
we have separated.

A yearning for a body
I have yet to touch.

A body
I have yet
to love kindly.

Agnes didn’t realize until after reading that she had been holding her breath. She bit her lip and looked down at her hands. “Do you like it?” Nora’s tone was firm, but it was hiding a small edge of gentleness. She nodded with no verbal response.

Nora patted her shoulder as she got up. It was a quick touch, but it held Agnes in the moment for longer then she wished. Nora changed the topic as she went in the fridge and grabbed a water bottle. “Your place is much quieter than mine. My roommate is one noisy bitch.” Maxxie strolled into the living room and jumped into Agnes’s lap.

She let out a sigh. It felt like a release of tension. “W-Why don’t you move?”

“And break the lease six months in? fuck no.”

The words of the poem played in her mind as she watched Nora from the living room. It wasn’t a good idea to have her so close. “He brings his friends over and they drink passed midnight sometimes and I have to make sure they don’t break anything. I feel like his mom sometimes.” She moved back to the couch and picked up her laptop.

Nora closed out the application she was writing on and opened up, her email. James Bishop’s name popped on a few of first ten. And a woman’s but she didn’t seem to care about them. Her name was Carrie.

“Mary wanted me to tell Bishop about the poetry book. I doubt he would care.”

“Is he your friend?”

“No, but we met at a convention with other writers and poets and if he brought up writing something together.”

Agnes hummed. “Why not write the poetry book together?”

Nora laughed. “That would be too intimate.”

And this isn’t. she thought harshly.

“Maybe, he’ll like the idea.”

Nora shook her head and shut the laptop. “No…not a good idea. And plus, I’m doing it alone. You must not want me here?” She knew Nora joking but she still kind of panic a little on the inside.

“I do. I do…want you here.” She avoided eye contact.

3rd weekend – July 3rd

“Do you want to spend the 4th together?” Nora asked as she stepped out of the spare bedroom.

“And do what?”

The weekends had begun to become second nature to her. To see Nora made her feel more than she did before. “Go out for drinks, see the fireworks downtown, go out to eat…”

“We go out to eat.”

“Great, it’s a date.”

Agnes froze at the word ‘date’. Nora saw her reaction and she fumbled on her words. “I-I didn’t mean like that. It’s just a phrase.”

July 4

“My father hates me.”

Agnes was drunk. Her words slurred softly as she spoke about her father. She stupidly ordered a glass of wine without thinking about it. And the topic of parents came up. Nora’s eyes never left her as she spoke. “He sent me away when I was fourteen because he read a letter I wrote.” She laughed coldly. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes. They had long left the restaurant and were walking to Agnes’s car. Nora motioned for Agnes to go to the passenger seat and when she obeyed, she locked the door.

“What was in the letter?” Nora asked hesitantly with a gulp.

Agnes ran her hands up and down her jeans. And her breathing was borderline non-existent. “I-no.” She shook her head and laid it on the window, falling silent.

“It’s okay.” Nora said softly. “Do you want to go home?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry…I don’t even drink. I don’t know wh-”

“It’s okay, Agnes.” Nora had her hands on the steering wheel, but she hadn’t tried to move the car yet.

“Next time, I’ll pick somewhere with no alcohol.” Nora said.

July 5th

Agnes rolled over on her side and groaned. The sun burned her eyes as she opened them. It was morning and she instantly remembered what she did the night before. Her face slammed into her pillow. She had almost told Nora about the letter. She groaned again.

There was a knock on her door and she sat up, as Nora entered. She had breakfast in her hands. “Morning.” She glanced at the clock on Agnes’s nightstand and then corrected herself. “Afternoon.”

“I made breakfast. Greasy shit. Thought you might have a small headache.”

“Thank you? You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to. It’s fine.”

She placed the food in Agnes’s lap and then placed a glass of water on the nightstand. Awkwardly, she moved to sit next to Agnes’s legs. “Thank you.” Agnes repeated.

Nora nodded, watching her eat. “I sent Bishop what I wrote so far.”

“Does he like it?” Agnes asked, covering her mouth as she ate.

“He said he did but he did ask about who the person I was writing about was.”

“And what did you say?”

“You.”

She placed her fork down. The metal clanked against the glass of the plate. “Nora…”

“I mentioned you were my friend. I just forgot to mention that it was also someone else.” She blinked down at Agnes’s food.

The mention of the other person sparked her interest. “Who is the other person?”

“A girl I knew in college.” She answered plainly.

The way she said it made it seem like a lie, but Agnes didn’t know if she should take it as one. “Do you still talk to her?” Nora shook her head.

10th weekend - August 21st

It had been a year since they’ve known each other. Nora had become a regular visitor to her apartment outside of the weekends they spent together. Mainly, when she wanted to get away from her roommate. The weekends had started to go by faster then she wanted them to, so she accepted the mentions of Nora coming over more.

“It’s nice to see you two become friends.” Mary whispered in her ear as they watched a movie in her living room. Nora had gone into the kitchen to make popcorn. A blanket wrapped around her and she tightened it.

“It’s nice to have someone around.” She wished the movie was louder, so she could drown out her thoughts of Nora. Were they really friends? They saw each other all the time and told one another things, but it felt wrong to say they were friends. Nora returned with a bowl filled to the brim with popcorn and sat down next to Agnes. The bowl was moved to her lap and handed to Mary. Agnes didn’t like popcorn.

Nora’s hand touched hers underneath the blanket and she held her breath. She tried to focus on the movie, but their thumbs laced together. There were moments like those that Agnes didn’t understand. She didn’t understand Nora. Even in the moments when she was being gentle and kind. She glanced down at where their hands were then over at Mary.

The movie finished an hour later and Mary went home. “Why’d you do that?” Agnes said as she cleaned the dishes from dinner.

Nora sat on the couch with her legs pulled under her. Her back was pressed into the cushion like she wanted to buried in it. “Because I wanted to.” Agnes sighed, clenching her hand around a bowl.

“What if I don’t want to?”

“Then tell me and I’ll stop.” Nora got up and dragged her feet to the kitchen.

Nora leaned against the counter and reached her hand out to touch her arm, but she didn’t move away. “Just tell me and I’ll stop.” She repeated.

Her hand moved from her arm down to Agnes’s hand, pulling the bowl from it. Her body was heating up and she wanted…what did she want? “This feels…wrong.” Good. Nora froze and back away.

“Okay?”

“Is it because you’re not a lesbian or something because I’m not trying to make a move on you or anything.”

“No.”

August 22nd

“You can tell me when something is bothering you, you know?” Adam said over the phone.

“Nothing’s bothering me.” The door to her bedroom was shut as her brother stopped rambling about packing for college. And turned his attention to her problems.

“You said you wanted to talk.”

“About your school, Adam. Not my life.”

“Is she there right now?”

“Yes but we haven’t talked much since yesterday.”

Adam fell silent and when he decided to speak again, his voice was low and hesitant. “Did something happen?”

Adam was in elementary school when Agnes was sent away but it took her until he was in his senior year to tell him why she was. He didn’t look at her any differently. She just preferred not to talk about it. Her brother was surprised to find out about Nora practically living with her on the weekends. “You aren’t a child anymore, Aggie. Do whatever the fuck you want.”

Hours passed her by before she left her bedroom. She found Nora in the living room on her laptop with her legs crossed under her. Her eyes swept over to Agnes when she entered but she didn’t say a word. You’re not a child anymore, Aggie. She ignored the tiny voice in her mind that told her she was still a child. The same child that her father sent away because he didn’t want to see her face anymore. The same child who wrote a letter to the girl she liked because she thought her feelings were natural.

“I’m sorry if I made things weird yesterday. I didn’t mean to.” She sat down on the couch but put space between them. Nora moved closer and placed her head on Agnes’s shoulder.

“You didn’t make it weird. I shouldn’t have put you in that position.” Agnes stared down at her with wide eyes. Her cheek pressed against Agne’s shoulder.

The touching of their skin made her feel warm. “I’m like you.” She whispered and tears welled up in her eyes. She knew why she said it. To finally have the tightness in her chest go away.

“Oh.”

“Why…didn’t you say anything?”

“I don’t understand it,” She whispered, looking away from her to the tv screen. And instead of seeing nothing, she saw herself as clear as day.

“You don’t always have to understand it to know what you are.” Nora’s head moved from her shoulder and a small part of her wished she kept it there longer.

11th weekend – August 30th

The light of the fridge illuminated her face. It was passed midnight and she had dreamed of Nora again. It had been the second time that week. They weren’t doing anything. The only thing she remembered was her face. The fridge door shut behind her as she turned to get a cup from the cabinet behind her. She needed something to fix the dryness of her mouth.

“This won’t end well.” She whispered to herself, thinking of the dream. “Don’t let me slip up again, my Lord.” She prayed to the silence and filled the cup with water from the sink. Her hand shook when she pulled the cup to her lips.

“Slip up on what?” Nora’s voice came up behind her, causing her to jump and spill the water all over her shirt.

“Fuck. Sorry.” Nora whispered and grabbed the paper towel.

She’s too close. Agnes thought when Nora pressed the paper towel into her shirt. They were close enough for her to feel Nora’s breath against her face. Suddenly, Nora stopped moving and let her hands fall to her sides. “I wasn’t…thinking.” She took one step back, but Agnes grabbed her hand. She couldn’t see Nora that well in the cusp of the darkness and it helped her not think about what she said.

“You’re okay.” She said breathlessly. Her eyes never left Nora’s as her fingers tightened around the paper towel. “It’s just water. Barely got over me.” She turned around with a gulp. She definitely needed that water.

September 5th – Thursday’

He drew her back to Himself in her times of need. When she had too much on her mind, that she couldn’t understand. She couldn’t understand what was going on with her and Nora. Not after the she saw the poems she wrote before she left that weekend.

How long?

How long will you make me

wait for your touch?

For your love?

For everything that

you wish to give?

How long?

For me to finally reach for you?

To love you as my heart pulls me to.

Your love comes to me

on sleepless nights,

in the cold of night

I wish I could hear the

soft sounds of your heartbeat.

Agnes waited two days for Nora to talk about the poems after showing them to her. But she said nothing. Maybe, they weren’t about her. In the back of her mind, she wanted it not to be her. To save herself from the embarrassment and shame of thinking about Nora. Her father’s words came back again but she begun to ignore them. She laid her head on the pew in front of her and closed her eyes in silent prayer. “Father, grant me peace of mind. Take away the want if it is not of Your Will. Take her away if it is not of Your Will and I will accept it. Please, Father.” She stood up from the pew and genuflected towards the blessed sacrament.

“I just can’t keep thinking about her and be sane.” She whispered as she stepped outside of the church. Her phone buzzed and pulled it from her pocket. A text from Joey popped up on her phone.

How do you feel about going out with me tonight?

There was a bench in front of the church and sat down on it. Her eyes didn’t leave her phone. Then a text from Nora popped up, distracting her. It’s Joey’s birthday. He’s inviting everyone. She stared at it before responding with quick ‘ok’ before going back to Joey’s message and answering with another okay. She leaned back on the bench with a sigh.

She had barely seen Joey in months. Not since the Christmas party at Mary’s house. It wasn’t but it was because of what she had said. Agnes didn’t like Joey the same way she liked Nora. The poems did not help her feeling either. They made them worse for her. She didn’t want to think about a woman who still thought about someone she dated in college.

Later that night

Agnes aimlessly walked into the restaurant where Joey’s birthday party would be. Her eyes wandered until they found the back of Nora’s head. She paused, thinking about her options. It was tempting to just go back home and tell Joey she was just not feeling well. But she didn’t want to lie. She ran a hand over her face with a sigh leaving her. In a split second, Nora turned her head and saw her, pulling Agnes into her. She swallowed the lump in her throat. It was getting difficult to breathe around her…to even see her.

Nora smiled and with her hand motioned for her to come over to the table. Then she noticed the other people around her. Mary sat next to Joey and there were a few familiar faces. Agnes made her way over. Her eyes scanned the table for empty seats and saw one next to Nora and one on the other side of Joey.

“You look nice.” Joey said as he saw her walk up. “Doesn’t see look nice, Nora?” He gave her a cheeky smile.

Nora looked at him with cold eyes, but her face said otherwise. Her skin turned red. She was blushing. “Y-You look beautiful, Agnes.” Nora met her eyes with softness.

“Thank you.” She sat next to Nora.

Joey’s birthday fell into a soft beat. Everyone spoke to each other and the soft music mixed with them. Agnes sat with her hands in her lap, staring at her glass of water. Then the sound of Nora’s voice made her jump. Her head snapped to her friend, and she looked at her with wide eyes.

“Sorry. Do you want me to take you home?” Her eyes carried apology and warmth. It reminded her of someone that she didn’t want to think about. Ginna. She thought she buried her name.

She nodded, silently. Worry flashed across Nora’s face, but she didn’t press Agnes on it, instead, she reached for her hand. And Agnes let her pull her hand into hers. It was a small gesture, but it caused a tightness in her chest. She stared at their hands. It wasn’t like it was under the blanket. She couldn’t hide from it like she did then. It could mean everything but nothing at all. The skin that pressed against Nora’s burned. Like pen needles spread across her skin.

“Don’t overthink it. Just…let yourself be. For just a moment, Agnes. Please.”

Agnes opened her mouth to speak but Nora shook her head, sternly. As the dinner went on, Nora’s thumb ran across the back of her hand. The burning faded and her touch slowly became comforting. She stopped thinking and tried to enjoy the dinner. She should be focusing on Joey; it was his birthday after all.

“The man of the year.” Nora whispered to herself, but Agnes heard as they left the restaurant.

Joey had drunk too much alcohol and was bothering a group of men outside of the restaurant. Mary apologized to the men as she dragged Joey towards his car to take him home. “He can’t hold his alcohol.” She said to Agnes as they walked to Nora’s car.

“I can’t either.” Agnes pointed out with a humorous tone. “I think I’m lightweight.”

The writer glanced at her over the roof of the car. “Yeah, I forgot you can’t. Remind me next time not to take you for drinks.” Nora joked as she climbed into the front seat and shut the door behind her.

“It wasn’t that bad.” Agnes chuckled, not thinking about it. She relaxed into the passenger seat and lolled her head to look at Nora. Nora smiled with her eyes before she turned on the car and started down the road.

12th weekend – September 6th

“Do you hate me or something? What is this?” Nora’s voice came from the living room as Agnes left her bedroom to go see what was wrong.

“What?” She peeked her head from the hallway and saw that the tv was on. She was watching some tv show with her laptop open on her side.

“This stupid show…it’s so fucking stupid. I hate it.” Nora turned to look at Agnes, but her eyes widened a bit at the sight of her. Her pupils were dilated.

Agnes had been getting ready for a video call with a few other people at her job. They were working on a new event for the teens that come from the high school nearby. “Are you going somewhere?” Agnes shook her head and lifted up the laptop in her hands. She kept it close to her chest.

“Event planning.” She whispered loud enough for the writer to hear. Her voice was calm and soft. Nora’s eyes never left her face and a hint of blush spread across her face.

“Oh…” Her eyes turned to the tv before going back to Agnes. “Do you want me to turn the tv off?”

“Only if you want. It’s a short call.”

Nora nodded with bright eyes as she reached for the remote and shut the tv off. Agnes sat down at the kitchen table quietly. Nora’s eyes remained on her until she heard her clearing her throat. “Do you want me to leave the room?”

“If you’re gonna ask if your laptop hates you then yes.” Agnes joked. Opening her laptop, she turned to Nora, who had a look of surprise at her joke.

“She has jokes now.” Nora said, causing Agnes to roll her eyes.

A smile fell on her lips and she didn’t want anything to ruin the moment. “I know how to be funny…I’m not a robot.”

“Never said you were.” Nora got up from the couch and met Agnes at the table, hovering over her. “Just a nice observation. Don’t think too much. But I’ll tell you when you need to.” She patted Agnes’s cheek and let the tips of her fingers linger after she moved her hand. She chuckled when Agnes cleared her throat and looked away. It took her longer to process the flirtation in Nora’s tone than she wished. And when she did, it felt like her brain went haywire.

“I-I…oh okay.” Her words came out mangled, so she cut them short and watched Nora walk into the kitchen. Fucking hell. She thought as she turned on the app for the call. Her face was warm and she calmed her breathing when she smiled at her coworkers.

September 7th

“Did you write more poems?”

Agnes whispered as her hand wrapped around Maxxie’s leash. The poet walked along side her with a face lost in thought. She shook her head. “Just the same ones from before.” Nora dragged her words and moved her gaze up to the trees surrounding the trail.

“How can I help?” Agnes said softly.

“It’s not that simple.” Her response sounded like something was missing from it but Nora decided not to say it. She grabbed the lease from Agnes’s hand as Maxxie moved to sniff a tree.

Agnes had long notice Maxxie’s comfortability with Nora. Maxxie didn’t bark much but she did avoid people when she didn’t like them. Like hiding under Agnes’s bed or running to the bathroom or the spare bedroom. “You don’t…” She shook her head. “You can tell me.” Agnes sat down on a bench that separated from the next trail. The poet plopped down next to her and pulled Maxxie into her lap.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Nora guarded herself and then a silence developed around them. It lasted minutes.

“Why would you make me uncomfortable?”

“Because some of poems are about love.”

“What are they about?”

Nora turned to stare at Agnes with a strange look on her face. Then she let out a sigh and shook her head. The wheels were turning in her head, like she was waiting find the right words. “They are about desire.”

“Sex?” Agnes whispered. The poet nodded.

“And you think I’m too much of a religious prude to read it?” Agnes snapped unexpectedly and it surprised herself.

“I’m not a child. You don’t need to safeguard me like one.”

Nora nodded again but stared at her hands. “I’m not treating you like a child.”

“You are. I know what sex is, Nora.”

Nora blushed, pulling on the end of her ear. Her eyes avoided Agnes’s annoyed ones. “I never said you didn’t, but it feels awkward talking about it with you.”

“Softly, Abide”

I | Encounters with a stranger

August 15th

Agnes was used to being alone. Ever since graduating college, she spent majority of her time alone. How could she not? She didn’t have any friends that reached out to her often. Even her family didn’t. She often wondered if her parents hated her and that was why they rarely spoke to her. She would call and text but there was never a response on her father’s end. Until Mary, an acquaintance from college reached out to her a few days before her 25th birthday.

She remembered Mary to be a kind soul, but Agnes was guarded. They had the same college algebra class. Agnes would see her after taking that class. She wanted to speak to her but never had the guts to. She wished she could act like a human for a change and not such a hermit. The surprise of Mary’s call came from the invitation to go to the bar with her and some of her friends. That night came calmly as any day would for her when she had to leave her apartment. She knew nothing eventful would happen.

The outside of the bar was crowded when she arrived. Agnes swallowed the lump in her throat as she entered, ignoring all the other voices. But it was even louder inside with music playing, loud chatter, and people moving around. Mary was spotted around four other people with a bright smile on her face. She laughed with her friends and Agnes didn’t want to interrupt it, but she wandered through the bodies until she stood at Mary’s table. Mary’s face lit up at the sight of her and rushed up to hug Agnes. She froze under her but slowly wrapped her arms around Mary.

Mary slowly introduced her to her other friends like she was trying to remember their names. “This is…Nora…Joey…Maggie…. Heather.” Nora stared at Agnes for a moment before snapping her eyes away. The moment was strange. It was like a small emotion of panic ran through Nora’s eyes. Her eyes were a light brown. The type of eyes a person could drown in if they stared to long. They mixed perfectly with the flashing lights of the bar. It took her a moment to realize she was staying at her too hard.

The others greeted her in their own ways and Agnes sat next to Nora. Mary went back to whatever they were talking about before she got there. “You really should go for it, Nor. It’s an opportunity of a lifetime to work with James Bishop.” Mary sipped on her Gin tonic as her other friends nodded in agreement.

Nora shook her head, sitting her drink down. “Bishop writes and publishes only five books a year. I can’t write as fast as him. I can’t write a book with him.” Agnes took her tote bag from her shoulder and placed it on her lap.

“You wrote so many books in high school and college.” Mary reassured her.

“That was in school. I can barely write a page of anything now.”

Joey turned to Agnes from across the table and his whole body turned to face her. “Do you want a drink?”

“I don’t drink,” She replied.

“They have water or soda?” He accommodated her and whispered a reply. Then he was gone. Mary and Nora fell into a soft conversation about a book idea Nora had told her about. Joey came back with a can of coke and Agnes thanked him with a nod and an awkward smile.

“What do you do?” He asked as he sat closer to her. The table was big enough for him to move his chair closer without it being crowded.

“I work at the library. I’m a librarian.” He smiled as he soaked in her words before nodding.

“I work a boring office job.” He took a swing of his beer and his eyes moved to a girl that passed by the table. He was checking her out. Agnes cleared her throat and took out her phone. It wasn’t like there was anything of substance on her phone that could distract her besides pictures of books she wanted to read and her dog.

Hours passed before she got back home. Joey had taken her home and she thanked him as she got out. Him having her number came up swiftly before she could shut the door and she opened the door wider. Her phone slipped into his hand, and she watched as he tapped away.

“Text me when you want hang out again.” He handed the phone back and she nodded.

Inside her apartment, she let out a deep sigh. Only two hours in the bar drained her and she wanted to sleep for hours. She flopped onto her couch and stared at her phone. Joey’s contact lit her face and blankly stared at it, not knowing why she let him give it to her.

October 31st

“Heavenly Father…” she prayed softly as it had become second nature to her. She leaned into the feelings of God. “Forgive me of my sins.” Her mother had taught her how to pray as a child, and she often leaned into that when she would reach out to Him. Like a child would. Her voice cracked as she said her sins.

“I don’t understand why You made me like this.” She whispered as she wiped tears from her eyes. Agnes’s knees began to hurt as she continued to pray. The prayers had always been the same for her. The only thing she wanted Him to forgive her for. The pain ran through her body, and she deserved it in her mind.

Moments later, her phone buzzed but she ignored it until it buzzed multiple times over the span of a minute. She whispered out the end of her prayer before grabbing her phone off her bed. Texts filled her lockscreen. All from Joey. He was inviting her out again, but she sent a text back. Her fingers typed that she was fine. But she didn’t want to tell him she had other plans.

She threw her phone onto the bed and went into the kitchen. Her kitchen was small, but she was still able to move around, and she grabbed a few things out of the freezer to make dinner. Her other plans consisted of making dinner and taking her dog, Maxxie out on a walk. It had only been less than a month and a half of her knowing Joey and he seemed odd to her. She felt nothing toward him.

As she cooked dinner, her mind wandered to Nora and she didn’t understand why. Until she did and then she buried it until she could continue making dinner. Maxxie peeked her head around the corner and then laid down on the ground near the table. It would be better if I just stopped thinking. She thought with a sigh. She didn’t even know why Nora looked at her like that and she didn’t want to know. It would better for the both of them if she didn’t. She turned on the radio in the living room to drown out her thoughts.

Walks with Maxxie involved her sniffing everything and person she came across. They walked for over an hour until she reached the bus stop that she would take to go to work.

“We have to go home, Maxxie.” Agnes saw a person sitting at the stop with their head down and stared at them for no more than a few seconds. It was a woman and she was crying.

“A-Are you okay?” Agnes asked softly and her body without her permission moved closer to the woman. The woman looked up at her and she froze. It was Nora. Her brown eyes stared into Agnes’s and she flinched. A flash of recognition went across Nora’s face and she laughed harshly.

“I’m fine, Agnes.”

She said Agnes’s name like she been saying it for years and had grown attached to it. It caught her off guard. “Oh.” She whispered.

“Well, it was nice seeing you.” Agnes left before Nora could say another word.

December 23rd

Agnes normally spent holidays alone. But Mary asked her to come over to her house for a holiday party. There was two more people than before, but she didn’t speak to them much. She awkwardly sat on the couch while everyone else chatted in different parts of the house. The tv played a Christmas movie from the 90s and she sipped a can of soda. She tried to avoid looking around because she knew who she would be searching for. They were all drinking and being slightly loud. Mary was in the kitchen with Joey and Heather. The two new people were talking at the table, and she didn’t know where Nora was. But she knew she was there somewhere.

Agnes eventually slipped out onto the patio, trying to get away from all the noise. But she wasn’t out there long before someone else came out. “Why did you come if you weren’t going to talk to anyone?” She knew it was Nora and took a sip of her soda.

She shook her head. “I talked to Joey and Mary.” Her eyes stayed focus on the sky in front of her and not on the girl next to her.

Nora let out a heavy sigh. “Yeah, and they’re both drunk as can be.”

That was when she looked at Nora. Her eyes were brighter in the moonlight. The drink in her hand pressed against her chest and Agnes recoiled back into her chair. “A-And you aren’t.” She could smell the alcohol on her, and she quickly realized why Nora was speaking to her. Mary’s friend was drunk.

“I’m gonna go back inside,” She whispered.

“Wait.” Said Nora before she could stand up. “I didn’t…mean it like that.”

Her hand reached out but she didn’t touch Agnes. She looked at the hand with wide eyes. She had to remind herself that Nora was drunk, and she would forget about her. They hadn’t seen each other since Halloween. “I’m sorry about how I acted at the bus stop.” Nora laid her head on the patio chair and stared at Agnes with unblinking eyes.

“You don’t have to do that.” She gulped as she leaned back into her seat.

“I just wanted to say it because I think we will be seeing each other a lot and I don’t want to make it awkward between us.”

The sliding door behind them opened and Joey came out with a beer in his hand. “Am I interrupting?” He asked.

“No.” Agnes responded quickly.

She could feel Nora staring at her and decided to meet her gaze. And for a split second she thought she would burn up. “I was seeing if you wanted me to take you home. It’s too dark for you to take the bus.” Agnes wondered why he kept talking to her. He reminded her of a boy she knew in middle school before her parents sent her away. He liked her if she remembered correctly. He confessed to her not long after they both turned fourteen. His name was Matthew.

To this day, she didn’t understand why he liked her. She was awkward and she liked owls way too much for a teenage girl.

“Uh…” She glanced at Nora but shook her head. “Sure.”

“Alright, just scream my name when you’re ready.” Joey joked and it made her cringe. When he left, Nora fell into laughter.

“Scream my name when you’re ready.” She mocked him. “He knew what he was doing. Fucking weirdo. Watch out for him.”

February 28th - a time of absence

It was colder than usual in Florida. Her parents' home was colder than she remembered. It had been barely a decade since she last saw them. She left home as soon as she graduated and moved up north. The dining room of her parents’ house stood at a standstill. Everything was the same. The old paintings, the crucifix above her father’s chair, her grandfather’s radio, and her mother’s old dinning set gifted to her at their wedding. She traced her hand over the chipped in the side of the woodened table as her eyes stared up at the crucifix. Christ hung low, dying but his gaze was fixated on the gazer. On her.

As a child, she would stare up at it for hours. Her fascination with it seemed to not have changed because she didn’t notice her mother walking in behind her.

“Aggie.” Her tone was sharp but there were dull edges that love seeped through. It confused her. Agnes looked over her shoulder and turned her body to face her mom.

“Yes?” She replied.

With a weird taste in her mouth starting to peek through, she swallowed. She didn’t hate her mother. Her mother was loving when she wanted to be. Like a mother should be. But there were times when that was not the case.

“Are you hungry? I made Shepherd’s pie,” Her mom said and pulled at the hem of her sleeves.

Agnes smiled or tried too at least. It didn’t meet her eyes. Why did she come again?

“I’ll eat some later with Adam.” Her brother’s birthday was the following day, and he would be turning eighteen. She hadn’t planned on coming but he begged her to come. Adam said he wanted to talk to her about something that was too important to talk about over the phone.

“That’s…fine. Do you want to help make Adam’s cake then?”

She nodded and her mother walked her into the kitchen. It took everything in her not to wish she was somewhere else as she walked through the house she grew up in. everywhere she looked, especially in her bedroom, reminded her of things that she didn’t want to remember. Don’t fall into your own fleshly desires. To fall, is to offended God. Her father’s words echoed in her mind. She could hardly focus on her mixing the cake mix.

Her uninterrupted thoughts went to Nora, and she thought about what she might’ve been doing at that very moment. Agnes felt the pull to her even though she wished she didn’t. She couldn’t tell if this was her flesh betraying her, or the ache of wanting to be loved. She didn’t know Nora. They had barely spoken since December. She didn’t even have her phone number.

“What are you thinking about so hard?” her mom chuckled.

“Just work.” She lied.

April 15th

The cross of her rosary pressed against the palm of her hand. Her feet moved faster than her mind when she found herself in the church. But she wasn’t alone. A woman sat near the back of the church with her head down. Prayers on her lips. Agnes walked further up and sat in the middle. A warm feeling wrapped around her like a hug when she lowered her head in prayer.

- Softly, Abide, encounters with lovers (wlw)

Note: I’m still writing this and it’s about a deeply religious (Catholic) woman that meets a poet and becomes her muse. It’s almost done though.