I Could Feel It

Happy 5th Anniversary of Young Royals from Plush Sara + August and (approximate) Rousseau!

Can you believe that Young Royals has been in our lives for five years already? Summer 2021 feels like yesterday and so distant at the same time. So much has happened since then. I feel nostalgic about those first days but immensely grateful for everything YR brought to me, and glad to be still here.

Previously in their cycle of "kiss, wilhelm freaks out, wilhelm says forget about it, wilhelm can't forget about it, wilhelm takes it back, they both are happy" Simon finds it easier to forgive him because, while maybe not healthy, the excitement out weighed the betrayal (if that makes sense?)

Simon has a crush on a prince, the prince likes him back but is clearly dealing with some internalized stuff, every time they kiss it comes with the thrill of "this isn't something we should be doing but I want it so bad" so the "let's forget about that ill advised thing we did" while hurtful, doesn't cut AS deep. And so when Wilhelm eventually comes back Simon is more excited by the thrill of "I matter enough to him that he came back" over shadows the hurt, (EVEN THOUGH HE DOESNT REALLY GET A GOOD APOLOGY BACK!! WHICH GOES BACK TO MY OTHER POST ABOUT WILHELM VS TAKING RESPONSIBILITY!!).

Additionally, these splits weren't something that Simon wanted. Which is also important to note.

Then you have the split over the video. This isn't just a crush anymore for them, they aren't just friends who kiss, they've admitted they like each other, they're as close to dating as they can be in secret, wilhelm later said he loved him for gods sake. And what wilhelm did wasn't JUST get scared. He broke a promise. He left Simon hanging to be the sole target of something they should have stood together for.

So Simon sets a boundary. He doesn't want to be a secret anymore, he knows he cant make wilhelm come out, but he doesn't have to be with him. So he breaks up with wilhelm.

ans when Wilhelm comes back like "haha that was crazy. Welp time to get back together now." Simon, rightfully, is like "no? I like you a lot but the reason I broke up with you still very much exists, nothing has changed, I need you to respect the boundary I've set and my request for space"

Wilhelm is a prince, he's childish, he's used to getting everything he wants.

Simon is more soft spoken, but he's finally setting his foot down.

It's another thing that makes him a lot more realistic and complex as a teenage character. Bad things happen to him, but whenever he has a part on a bad thing happening he tends to point at other people and go "but look what they did to ME! isn't that worse? I'm not as bad as them! What do I have to be sorry for!"

For an easy example let's look at the video. It's awful that August filmed him, it's awful that August outed him, it's awful that his mother doesn't understand or accept him. But when he breaks his promise to Simon, he makes himself apart of the problem.

Simon, who has also been outed, who has also been filmed, who also faces criticism and homophobia (albeit not from his mother), now also has a boyfriend who lied to him and left him hanging. He had every right to request that distance from Wilhelm.

But Wilhelm doesn't get that. He's angry, he wants to throw a fit without actually making any change. He seeks revenge on August in petty, childish ways (still refraining from telling Simon what he did, which I get his reasoning but still isn't exactly fair to Simon) , he sees Simon with another boy and calls his mom yelling about how this is ALL her fault. Simon was right, he could have kept his promise, he could have told the truth, but he was scared. And rather than face that fear he lashes out. He stands on desks. He says he'll NEVER be the crown prince (and I mean,, he can avoid his duties but until he abdicates his right to the throne by definition he IS still crown prince so this is another childish claim).

He wants Simon to comfort HIM, to be there for HIM, but he doesn't want to acknowledge what he did wrong to fix that relationship, because acknowledging that might mean he has to fix what he did, and he doesn't want to do that either.

i definitely agree that his lack of taking responsibility is a result of his upbringing, and that some of his actions even directly result from having responsibility forced on him for the first time after Erik's death.

But my issues with him not taking responsibility less relates to the crown and more to his own actions.

Because on the one hand, yes, he was the spare, now he's the heir. He's gone from being told to just keep up appearances his entire childhood to being given larger roles, and big shoes to fill. His rebellion against this role feels very fair to me, and the way he rebels (while I still see it as childlike) if anything is highlighting the fact that this IS a kid who's being forced into a job he never wanted. I feel like this is the point you were getting at and I definitely agree with you here.

What I don't like is not that he won't take on new strange responsibilities, but rather he refuses to take responsibility for things he HAS done. He doesn't acknowledge "what I did is bad and I will apologize and do my best to fix it", he tries to find any one he can to lash out at and blame instead. (Once again: this is in the context of where I am in the series, and in the context of him not understanding why Simon won't take him back)

Which brings me to my next point, that you demonstrated a bit with this line: "it doesn't help that so many of the situations he ends up in are direct causes of someone else's actions (august, kristina etc)". I get where you're coming from but this was one of the things that wilhelm does that really bothers me. He tends to not recognize the bad thing he did, and instead lumps his actions into what someone else did to him.

In the context of my og post: Simon is mad that Wilhelm lied to him about telling the world the truth and left him alone to face the video after discussing the fact that his mother CANT force him to say anything he doesn't want to. Wilhelm doesn't understand that/doesn't want to believe that Simon won't talk to him because he actually messed up. Instead he tells his mom it's all her fault for telling him what to say (which really highlighted for me how much he doesn't understand why Simon was upset). Instead he puts all of his energy into getting revenge on August because August leaked the video in the first place (which was terrible but does not necessarily negate the fact that wilhelm also did a bad thing).

It's not just a lack of responsibility, it's a lack of PERSONAL responsibility.

I'd add on: Micke taking drugs because he needs them due to neurocomplexity, and even more so because he's an addict? Because he can't help it? Low. Uncouth.

Versus the Forest Ridge boys taking them to party? That's just how you have a good time, when you know that even if you're caught your parents will just sidestep legal prosecution, send you to a different prestigious fancy boarding school, and/or donate a bunch of money to your current school and fund a new padel court.

Or even versus August taking drugs to excel (or even Vincent – it feels like there's a suggestion he amplified his diagnosis to get more meds so he can give them to August). That's just being canny, and getting an edge.

I really wish YR hadn't evaporated August's prescription med dependence storyline partway through the show.

It offers super interesting narrative class parallels, and also generational dynamics.

Every fibre of [August’s] being aches and burns with the effort in each stroke, and it feels good to hurt like this, like the pain is somehow proof that he’s advancing, becoming better in some immeasurable but objective, intrinsic way, both at rowing and in other aspects. It’s almost as potent a motivator as self-hatred.

Can’t you see how much more I’m doing than everyone else? Can’t you see how hard I’m trying, he wants to shout. To whom, he doesn’t exactly know. The entire house of Forest Ridge? Vincent, and rest of that traitorous rowing team? Wilhelm, squandering all of his privileges, running away from his duty? It doesn’t matter; it would be a futile effort. No one would believe him, in any event - he doesn’t have the results to show for it, he knows, mind cast back to the countless selfies in his camera roll - and that sort of emotional outburst would only solidify the low opinions they already have of him.

Simon woke up with a jolt and, as he laid there in the darkness, he catalogued his current, recently awoken, state: rapid heartbeat, erratic breathing, his skin tight with gooseflesh and soaked with sweat.

"Simon?" Wilhelm asked with a sleepy grumble. "What's wrong?"

"I..." Simon cleared his throat. It was sore from, presumably, screaming in his sleep. "I just had the weirdest dream...?"

Wilhelm hummed, listening, though Simon did note that his boyfriend of near a decade did not bother shifting from his comfortable position of rest.

"It was when we had our first kiss," continued Simon. "Only Boris was there, too? With a couple of cats and I swear maybe three dogs? Four? There were so many animals..." Simon huffed out a laugh. "J-O was there."

a ficlet for @almostlake - grattis på födelsedagen!

Wille had never been particularly fond of his birthday. Even as a child it had carried the weight of external expectations. He didn’t have many clear memories of those early celebrations, his mind surely whirring with the pressure to perform a version of himself that felt like too-tight skin.

17 had been excruciating, Erik’s absence so much more present than Wille himself. He had felt haunted, haunting. He would never forget that look of devastation and resolve on Simon’s face. He had done that.

And then the next year, when the anticipation leading up to his announcement felt like his chest had been blown open. Every gesture of celebration had been shadowed by reminders of the year before. It was meant to be a festive day for him, for them. Finally freeing himself. But mostly he just felt nauseous. It ached.

At 19, the first birthday he was officially just Wille (but always a prince... no escaping that), they spent a clandestine weekend with Felice and Maddie in New York, pretending they were regular tourists, walking for miles, stumbling into a basement jazz club, kissing in the shadow of the bridge.

The year he turned older than Erik ever would, Simon took them away and Wille dove in the frigid lake and stayed until he felt his heart might actually have stopped.

Then there were the two years they spent apart. At 26 with no contact, Simon an ocean away. Slowly finding their way back to one another at 27, with a phone call that lingered until the first flush of sunrise over Stockholm.

Toasting 30 in Felice’s garden, with an impressive cake confection of her invention, laughing and dancing under twinkle lights, surrounded by their tipsy friends.

At 36, when Simon was so busy and stressed rehearsing that he lost track of the date and only realized, to his horror, the next morning. Wille hadn’t cared in the least but had been so charmed by Simon’s mortification that he couldn't help but hold it over him on occasion.

Most years he didn’t want to do much, preferring to let the day pass as quietly as others would allow. Then he didn’t have to think too much about what the passing of another year meant. Content to just live this life he had worked so hard to build, to hold onto, to let breathe.

So when Wille wakes, the first thing he notices is not that it’s his birthday, but that he is alone in their bed. He is usually the first one up, and Simon often travels for work, yes, but the musky scent of him still lingers in the bed and just a few hours ago Wille was curled against his warm, familiar shape, although now the sheets beside him are cold.

Wille jerks his head up when the door creaks open and Simon grumbles from the threshold, “Close your eyes! You weren’t supposed to be awake yet,” but he can’t contain a soft giggle.

So Wille dutifully closes his eyes and listens to the comforting dulcet melody of Simon singing happy birthday, until he feels Simon carefully sink down beside him on the bed, the weight on the mattress tipping Wille towards him. “Careful,” Simon hums, and his elbow knocks against Wille’s ribs as he adjusts. “Okay.”

Wille opens his eyes and laughs with delight. Simon’s face hovers above a sea of flickering candles, crowded onto a larger-than-usual slab of silviakaka.

“Now I understand the delay,” Wille teases fondly.

“You try getting forty candles lit at the same time. Make your wish before I light my hair on fire.”

Wille does as he’s told, and after he blows out all the candles (not without some effort; “Imagine if I’d put a trick one in there,” Simon says smugly) he takes the plate and sets it on the bedside table and pulls Simon down on top of him.

“Happy birthday, Wille,” Simon breathes against his lips.

“I love you.”

“I love you.” Simon kisses the corner of his mouth. “Even with terrible morning breath.”

“I taste like you.”

“Touché.”

“Thank you.”

“For managing not to burn down our home? Or is this where you rib me about not forgetting your birthday this year?”

“For this, yes. But mostly for being here. For being you. For everything.”

Wille knows that even if today holds nothing more festive than taking a walk together around the neighborhood in the mild May sun, and grabbing coffee at their favorite café, and letting Simon buy him flowers at the outdoor market, it will be exactly what he wants. Probably he’ll talk to his parents briefly, and catch up on some work email. Maybe they’ll get Korean takeout and eat on the sofa, legs tangled together. Perhaps he’ll draw a hot bath and Simon will decline to join, as ever (“I get chilled, you know this!”) but will offer to perch on the edge of the tub and read aloud from the novel he’s already finished but Wille is only halfway through. And it will be exactly what he cherishes, today and every day.

Simon strokes his thumb along Wille’s jaw. “Getting sentimental in your old age?” he teases, but he dips down to kiss Wille again, more deeply this time.

When Simon eventually pulls back he searches Wille’s face. “Thank you. For being here. For being you. For everything.”

(read on A03)

GIF by leojfitz

I still have two more ficlets underway in my fluffy series of AU meet-cutes for Wille's birthday (alas life and sickness and travel happened), but one should be up very soon.

Löffelchen hoch by Peter Wever