TW: TRANSPHOBIA, HOMOPHOBIA
Hey guys, happy pride month! (I should have posted that three days ago, but okay)
So, I wanna tell the internet how I realised that I am bisexual and trans
Well, realising that I am bisexual was easy for me(cuz people around me weren't homophobic) and it happened around age of ten-eleven, and since then, I am bi!
Realising that I am trans though...was way harder and longer for me...
First of all, I am from a very transphobic and homophobic country, but the people around me happened to be more transphobic than homophobic. So realising that I am trans took me 2,5 years, and to accept that, I needed 5-6 months(no 67)
So because I am from Russia, there was a lot of transphobic staff about trans women (from russian fem community), and because I was(and still am) a femenist, I believed them, and those lies made me dislike trans people. Now I feel sad that I had that opinion, but I was just a little trans-boy, though I still feel guilty.
So i believed them, decided that being trans is not okay(oh boy, guess what?) and then I met my future best friend.
Seeing an actuall trans person affected me, and affected me in a good way. When you hear all this bullshit about trans folks, you actually have a high chance to believe it, if you never talked /or seen a trans person.
After realising that trans people just humans, and not demons and pure evil, I then slowly started thinking about my gender.
There was a Moment in my life, when I was so miserable (my mental health got worse) and unsatisfaction with my pronounce and gender got stronger. So I created an account, where I was a different person-I called myself a guy, picked new name and said that I was a year older than I actually am(Not proud of that part lol). And that felt like freedom. I got used to he/him pronounce, but then my transphobia said that it "wasn't normal", so "I should stop using comfortable pronounce and name", and I did. I felt like a fraud, a liar, because I wasn't "a real boy", a thought that I was just "mimicking" that.
And even when I've been knowing about transgender staff for a while, I still thought that it just doesnt work for me. I thought that I am cis, not because I'd explored throughout my gender and realised that I am cis, I decided that I am cis cuz I was scared of being a boy. Oh lord, I remember that feeling, I feared being a boy for a lot of years.
Then there was a different phase-I had a female friend, that used he/him pronounce, and that made me more comfortable using my favorite sets of pronounce(he/him). Then I had an argument with him. He said some transphobic staff,(some myth about testosteron, i don't really remember which one tbh) and I explained to him, why he was wrong. And then he asked "You trans? " and I said "yeah, maybe",because back then I was thinking that I might be trans, but I thought more about being genderfluid (I still was scared to call myself a boy). And for some unknown to the god reason, the transphobic conversation made me (For the first time!!) aknowlage outloud that I might be trans.(I cannot believe that this happened in the TRANSPHOBIC argument oml😭😭)
So the thing that helped me accept that I am trans, is the big change in my mindset,(which happened thanks to my bestie, Chandra❤)that had made me a different person. Realising that being trans is completely normal saved my life, and omg, I feel much better right now. Using right pronounce, wearing the clothes that I like, that makes me happy. I feel that in the first time in years, I am confident, happy and being myself. And I feel really beautiful and cool right now. In the end of a day, I wasn't a woman😛
I am so proud of I path that I'd walked, I am proud of being bisexual, proud of being trans. I am proud that I am me.
Happy pride month!! Be proud of who you are!