Where do I begin?

I miss you. I miss your voice. I miss your face. I miss the smell of the perfumes you mixed. I miss cuddling with you everyday that first year and a half. I miss your calls every time you would go out for a cig. I miss rubbing your back forever on end. If only you knew how every little thing we were and had I miss. if only you knew how much of every part of you I loved and wanted to make sure was never in pain. The future I wanted for us as a family. I wish the last couple months weren’t as rough and shallow as they had been. Could it have been because we had our daughter together? who knows. I know you have your issues and I have mine. Shame on me but I will always care and love you more than any other person who comes into your life. I dont know why but you mean everything to me as my gram did. Again i wish we wouldn’t have drifted the way we did. I wish we could of been more open and loving to each other....wish you would of cared more.... thought of me more..... I know I struggled to show it towards the end but you really were my everything....I must grow and learn tho. it was an amazing three years and we will always have our daughter together. The memories I made with you I will never forget. Drives to and from your house. that feeling of pain and agony not wanting to leave you at night cuz I had to go home. The cuddles and naps with you. Coming over to your house early after the night shift, The sex we would have. WTF happened........... I wish you wouldn’t of lied  to me and dragged me along for it to end like this. We used to be best friends. so open with each other. we fuckn turned our backs on each other hard. I know you think I hate you. I fucking dont.... i love you more then anyone in the world... you and ava both. If only I could read your thoughts....what you wanted from me. what you wanted me to be for you.... I love you and I miss you Rachael. I could go on all day with shit but ill end this here and enjoy my night alone to my thoughts trying to rebuild again.