h u r r i c a n e

All my life, that’s what I’ve been doing. Just surviving. Trying to make it from end to end. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of sitting still. I’m tired of not having any opportunity to better myself.

Here again with this familiar feeling. My heart aches again for a reason I don’t even understand. It’s so foreign, yet I’ve been here so many times.

Different person, same gut-wrenching day. Now I’m convinced that I really am the problem.

Thu Apr 18 2024

Hi. Where do I start?

It’s been a while. Actually, hindi ko rin alam bakit ko ‘to ginagawa. Pero ewan. Bigla ko lang naisip mag Tumblr ngayong gabi, tapos nakita ko ‘yung old posts ko. Siguro gusto lang kitang i-update sa kung ano man ‘yung nangyayari sakin ngayon.

Parang wala. Right now, my life seems dull. Lumilipas ‘yung mga araw na wala akong halos nakakausap. Ito lang. Kaya rin siguro nagsusulat ako ngayon sa sarili ko. Ganun na ata ako ka lonely. Lonely? Haha. Di ko alam. Alone and quite lonely. Siguro ganun.

Nagsusulat pala ako sa Microsoft Word ngayon sa bago kong laptop. Ang pangalan pala niya ay Stargaze Macmac Garcia. Stargaze kasi ‘yun ‘yung huling bulaklak na natanggap ko. Macmac kasi wala, Macbook siya, eh. Garcia kasi syempre love ko siya. Ang ganda niya and ang saya niya makasama. Marami na rin kaming napanood together simula nung makuha ko siya last December. Ang saya nung December at nung -ber months last year. Sana laging ganun. Thank you sobra sa parents ko kasi hanggang ngayon inaalagaan nila kami.

Ano ba ang gusto kong i-update? Ayun. ‘Yung state of mind ko ngayon ay hindi pa rin nagbabago. I think I’m still depressed. I think it never went away naman. It’s just that right now, it feels heavier. I’m scared that it will feel even heavier as I go along because I never address it.

Sa relationship ko sa food at sa katawan ko, ganun ulit. Same way I felt back when I was a kid. I still have body dysmorphia and because of that, I’ve been depriving myself of food. It’s good, though, ‘cause I’m not yet getting the feeling that I want to throw up everything that I eat. Ganun kasi ako nung high school. Hay, kung may resources lang sana ako, nag gym na talaga ako. Kaso wala eh. Tiis muna.

Sa pera naman, ayun ganun pa rin. Hindi pa rin ako financially stable. Wala pa rin akong sariling pera. Ang lungkot kasi 26 na ako, pero andito pa rin ako sa same situation na ever since, gusto ko lang naman makalaya. Kailan kaya giginhawa ‘yung buhay namin? Sana tinadhana na maging okay kami.

Sa love, ganun pa rin. Ilang taon na akong malungkot. Feel ko nakarma ako pero feel ko rin I’m being too hard on myself for thinking like that. I know I did not deserve it. I also know that I don’t deserve the treatment that I’ve been constantly getting for years. I am tired already. I can’t even explain. Nandun na ako sa point na dahil sobra na ‘yung sakit na na-endure ko these past few years, hindi na ako interesado. But hindi naman ako makawala. Years from now kaya, ano na? Nakakatakot isipin at imagine-in lahat. Wala akong scenario na nakikita. Siguro ayaw ko ring isipin. Mas lalong ayaw kong gawin. Sobrang sakit kasi, parang hindi ko pa kayang pagdaanan ulit ‘yun. Pero kung hindi man kami talaga, sana kayanin ko. Ang importante lang naman ay ‘yung maging okay siya. Pero shet, pag nagkataon, wasak na wasak talaga ang puso ni nasty mac hahaha. Di ko kilala kung sino ‘yun. Tama ba spelling? Lol.

Inantok din.

tangled, maybe?

it’s been hard lately. i can’t even put myself to celebrate the smallest of wins because i feel like i don’t deserve to be happy.

idk.

great. now i’ve accidentally deleted the things i wrote. 🙃

i just feel so inadequate. i don’t know if it is still possible to make it.