analystixx

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● she/her ● poet ● guitarist ● song artist ● producer ● musician ● composer ● writer ● music lover ●

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" confidence is key, but it's doubt that built the door. "

"you're so boring", but this is me in my bedroom at 1:13am.

WARNING: OPINIONS.

(and ep9 spoilers)

all the people saying "oh, i'm glad Jax abstracted, he was a dick" have clearly never felt human emotions before. emotions are very complex and enigmatic things. you can feel something and yet have zero clue why you're feeling what you're feeling or how to make it go away.

the whole "trauma isn't an excuse for being a dick" thing doesn't make sense either. have any of you heard of "hurt people, hurt people"? Jax wasn't using his trauma as an excuse for being a dick; ACTUALLY he was doing the opposite. he was hiding his trauma behind being a dick. obviously that isn't all that better, but everyone is looking at this like it's black and white. Jax is a human with human feelings and human emotions stuck in a digital world where emotions feel confusing and dissonant. we see in ep6 that Jax sees the characters in the circus as archetypes, which ends up explaining a lot. he proves time and time again that unlike the other circus members, who are living in the circus as if it's an extension of their previous lives, Jax is living in the circus as if it's a game. a TV show where all they do is play their roles. you can tell even at the end when Caine shows them what they're doing as humans, that their humans resemble their circus personalities as well. all of them, except Jax. this is because while the others see this world as a place they're forced to live the rest of their lives in, Jax sees it as a possibility to start over, fall into his archetype (which he likely gave himself). also, in flashbacks with Ribbit, we know that Jax didn't laugh all that much, implying that he changed after Ribbit abstracted (which we already knew though we didn't know the extent in which he did). it's likely that after Ribbit abstracted Jax began falling into these archetypes. i'm not saying he didn't do bad things, he was very rude to Gangle especially, and then Pomni when he told her he wouldn't care if she abstracted (which i guess we'll never know since we saw that door was completely boarded off), but he was also hurting. not only had both his best friends abstracted, but they did so because of him, for something he didn't mean to do. yeah he pushed Ribbit away, but no one seems to be putting themselves in his situation.

imagine you escaped from this horrible life where you get to be a completely new person and choose what you're called (as Jax chose his own name, confirmed by gooseworx), what you're like, and what people know about you, and then after creating this whole new persona in this whole new world where you can forget about everything you did and regretted before, you meet someone who you trust and love until one day you slip up and break the promise you had made to yourself to forget this old life and you tell the first person you've admired about the worst, largest mistake you've ever made. imagine that.

some of you have clearly never said something you horribly regret before and i applaud you for that but speaking from experience it freaking sucks.

so in fear of said person betraying your trust or viewing you different you push them away and pretend it didn't happen until one day, they're gone, and it's all your fault. you'd just recover from that? honestly, my theory is Jax was always kinda 'mean' it was just less malicious before Ribbit and Kaufmo abstracted and once he realized he had nothing left he just kicked it up a notch.

at that point you have to think, the more obnoxious you are the less people are gonna care about you right? Jax clearly didn't believe he deserved to be cared about. i mean a quote he said straight from the finale was "you're not supposed to care ... you're not supposed to miss me ... you're not supposed to love me ... this isn't how this is supposed to go ..." (also, God is Micheal Kovach an amazing VA)

All the good and all the bad

I have goals just like my mother

I have dreams just like my dad 

And I change just like the seasons

If they changed without a date

If it was always unpredictable

and smoke out my lungs

if it means i'll feel something

for more than what it was

i want to drink until i'm dizzy

and smoke until i'm high

if it means i'll be something

to someone sometime

but i wont.

but i wont.

but i wont.

but i wont.

and i wont

and i wont

and i wont

and i wont.

cause i tried it all before

and i won't try it anymore

cause i didn't feel less blue

and i have better things to do.

and yeah, drinking sure looks fun

and yeah, smoking sure feels cool

and yeah, no one understood me.

at any of my schools

but what's the point of dying

if we all do in the end?

what's the point of living

Every night when i cannot sleep i swear you're haunting my bed

And i'm lost in the scope of things words i never meant

And life's not black and white.

We all live in the dark

Until the day we find the light

But even then sometimes it flickers

Even then sometimes it dies

And we will fall back into darkness

With no use of our eyes.

Cause you can hate

And you can love

And you can push

And you can shove

And you can scream out to the world

That life's unfair and you can't trust

But in the end nothing is certain

In the end we all will die

But would you rather die with hope?

Or you would you rather live a lie?

You had goals, I just had dreams

And i wanted something real

And you wanted something clean

And you remind my of myself

And I think that’s why it hurts

Cause I’d do anything for anyone

If it means I’ll prove my worth

I was Cas and you were Crowley

I had no clue who I was

You got high off kitchen cleaners

I got high off TV fuzz

And it was never meant to be

I was raised on borrowed land

You were grown to evergreens

sorry?? last year who?? not me??