princess

Aries: (614): bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina

Taurus: (605): I thought I’d never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies

gemini: (419): Let’s be honest, I’ve seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.

Cancer: (828): Stop calling me, Mom. I’m in his closet. You’re gonna blow my cover and I’m about to catch this lying SOB.

Leo: (815): Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I’m asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.

Virgo: (808): You can be responsible and still be on that ho life

Libra: (707): Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I’m watching his dog this weekend while he’s in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life

Scorpio: (903): We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.

Sagittarius:(281): I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I’m an adult

Capricorn: (740): Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test…there goes my veil of innocence in this town.

Aquarius:  (612): Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there

my mom:

I matched with my professor right after our final… This is what he messaged me