Monthly Check-in: October
Hello and selamat datang!
Today, I begin a *monthly check-in* with all of you to share thoughts, feelings, ideas, questions, and more!
This October has been a heavy one. After working throughout the summer, I finally took a holiday to Northern Italy and escaped the cold of the Netherlands. I was welcomed with open arms and the warmth of the sun. I hadn't realised how much I had been holding onto emotionally. The slowness and presence I experienced in Italy healed a part of me I had wrapped up so tight. I confronted a part of myself that held onto grudges so fervently. I felt wronged by people and carried that weight in how I moved in the world. I recently stumbled upon an audiobook on Spotify called, 'The Art of Communicating' by Thich Nhat Hanh. Something that stuck with me was when he spoke of speaking with compassion. Although I had felt wronged, how people choose to respond in certain situations is more a reflection of themselves than of me. Despite there being nothing more to add to the state of the relationship, I was harbouring the anger and sadness of how that felt. I was communicating to myself harshly as well as sharing my feelings with my curated family and safe space. Although I was able to be held and listened to in those moments, I was still speaking out of hurt. People enter your life often out of the blue and also can exit the same way. But I truly live by the idea that every person and moment is a lesson for me to dive deeper into who I am and who I wish to be. Whatever the relationship, whether family, friend, or lover, they taught you something. Those lessons can oftentimes be tougher than they are soft. But I do not need to negate more time, energy, and soul into this person/moment. Being as emotionally intellectual as I know I am, I had already provided the necessary space to feel very deeply. Now it was time for the art of letting GO. I am so used to choppy waters, that I find myself often not knowing how to act in calm waters. But, I pick myself up, I reach out to loved ones, and I bid farewell to ill emotions tearing at my heart.
Provide your emotions the space they desire, but then also know when to let them go when they no longer serve you. My therapist once told me when I journaled, not to write 'I AM SAD', because this promotes the fact that sadness is who i am. Rather tell yourself and write, 'I FEEL SAD RIGHT NOW'. The emotion is fleeting, not permanent. You have all the power within you sweet angels, if its tough to believe in yourself right now, I am here to tell you, I DO. I see you even when you can't bring yourself to look in the mirror, i hear you even when you lower your voice amidst the noise, i feel your energy even if it's difficult to feel connected to your body right now. A beautiful way to physically release yourself from such people, places, and moments is a full moon ritual I learned from a gathering with the Womanhood Studio in Delft. Grab a bay leaf, write down on it what you wish to let go, and on the full moon take a moment to sit down and burn it. It won't go easy, you will have to consistently light it aflame, but the time will allow you to truly accept and release it from your being.
I leave you with three questions to ponder to yourself or write down:
What emotion do you tend to hold onto the longest? Ask yourself why
If there is a moment you still tend to hold onto, write the moment a letter. Tell it how you felt, how you feel now, and what you had hoped for. Say goodbye to it and then rip it to shreds and let it go.
Whether you can believe it right now or not, write a note to yourself forgiving yourself for harbouring all those emotions for longer than you'd hoped to. We are all trying to figure it out, one step at a time. You deserve to be understood for how you chose to survive in that moment.
A big hug for each and every one of you!
From my heart to yours, Nina.
