Oh wow, how lovely

hey, i know i shouldn’t be reaching out but i just have so many questions. i feel like my response to your news was simply out of shock, you must understand. and you have every right not to answer or respond, but i have nothing to really lose here. 

first and foremost, i truly do appreciate you telling me. i’m not anyone special to you, really. just some girl you see on some nights on some weeks for a few hours and have sex with, drink with, smoke with and talk with in your room. i am no girlfriend of yours or anything special. so it means a lot to me that you chose not to just completely ghost me or disappear on me with no explanation. as much as it might not mean anything to you, it means a lot to me to know that you at least respect me or at least care about me enough to be open & honest.

i feel like my “congratulations!” was a little too much considering, i don’t actually know how you’re feeling about it. from what i picked up from our hangouts, i don’t think children were in your plans any time soon. hell, we toasted the last time i saw you to the fact that i had gotten my period and that i thankfully wasn’t pregnant. i took plan b that one time because we both agreed it was the right thing to do since neither of us obviously wanted a little baby on the way, and little do you know, i took it two weeks before that time too because of you again, just to be safe. and now, here you are: entering into fatherhood sometime this year. 

i don’t know how you’re feeling and i apologize if my “congratulations!” was too much and inconsiderate about how you must be feeling and if you’re still processing the news that you revealed to me too. and there’s the other perspective where you were so adamant that we get plan b because you knew about the baby the entire time. 

truth is, since you told me the news, i realized that i don’t know a lot of things about you at all. which terrifies me because i thought i was developing a pretty good understanding about who you were as a person and it makes me wonder who it was i was going over to see all those late nights these past several weeks. and i’m not the type of person to do all the things we did or spend as much time as i did hanging with someone i barely even know. but since the news that you revealed, i feel like you’re just a complete stranger to me. and its the complete opposite of how i felt when i’d actually be in your presence. 

i have so many questions. so many. and the first one is just to ask how you’re feeling about becoming a father. to me, parenthood sounds extremely terrifying. to be responsible for an entire person besides yourself is scary. i don’t know if you’re feeling super excited or if you’re scared shitless. you said you were “reluctant” in sharing the news but felt it was necessary to tell me. i don’t know if the reluctance comes from having to share that news with me or if the reluctance comes from the news itself. 

second question. how long have you known about the baby? it’s been eating me up inside to know whether this was something you just recently found out or if you had known that you were going to have a child this entire time but continued to do the things we did. and i guess it goes hand-in-hand with my third question. were you and are you in a committed relationship with the mother of your child? it makes me sick to my stomach to think that i possibly was sleeping with you while you were in a relationship with someone who is carrying your child. i look down upon women who do that and to think that i possibly was a home-wrecker without knowing it makes me feel like absolute and complete shit, which is absolutely not fair to me or your baby mama. i don’t know what the relationship is between you and the mother of your child and i know have no right to pry or even know any of the information. it would just puzzle me so much if you only, just recently, found out about the baby from her and why it would take so long for her to tell you such huge news. 

as you can see, i’m in a weird dilemma trying to piece these puzzle pieces together because everything is so dependent on information that you have every right to keep to yourself. 

it sucks because a part of me feels like you’re lying. 20% of me believes you’re lying and that this is just some sick, twisted tactic to get me to stop talking to you completely without you having to ghost me. you couldn’t have picked a better time to reveal all of this than the day before April 1st. such bad timing. but the other 80% of me that feels like it knows you well enough, believes you’re telling the whole damn truth. that part of me doesn’t believe you’d ever lie about anything as serious as this because you’re just not that type of person.

i asked him in Hawaii if he had the chance, would he leave everything behind to travel to and explore another planet. he said no. and asked if i would. 

and i said yes. he looked surprised. so i explained. 

i’ve got nothing to lose. i might die up in space, but at least it would be one hell of an adventure. right? 

Post-grad anxiety was really eating me up in the past few weeks. The fear of not knowing where I would be and what I would be doing during my gap year made me feel so helpless. I’m thankful for friends like Tamara who really pushed me and motivated me to just apply and apply and apply to whatever jobs I possibly could land. 

Luckily enough, I scored an interview with a business marketing/programming company located in Santa Monica called Shore. After the initial Skype interview, I was asked to come in for an in-person interview and to meet the rest of the team. The location is so perfect for a beach bum like me and I fell in love with the office and the people that work there. This week, I received a phone call from the CEO of the company saying that they wanted to hire me as their Customer Development Intern on their Sales Team. The internship is for 3 months (something for me to do over the summer) and had a really good monthly pay! 

One of my biggest fears for applying for a job for post-grad was that I had plans to travel to Europe for a little over two weeks and already bought the plane tickets to and from Madrid. I was afraid that I would have to chose between traveling or working. Luckily, this company is letting me get my traveling done and I’d be starting immediately once I arrive back to LA. 

I’m very thankful I got this opportunity, but I’m still applying to a ton of other things, because I ultimately want to get a job in a hospital setting. I do have my volunteering at Ronald Reagan, but I want a paid job that will give me more of an exposure to different areas of specialization in a healthcare setting. 

My classes are going really well. This school year has been incredible. I haven’t received anything less than a B in any of my classes and I don’t think I’ve ever received this many A’s in one college school year. Anything with a B- is already super upsetting to me. This is the first time where I haven’t received a single C or C+ in any of my quarters throughout a school year. I haven’t been this focused and satisfied with my academics since freshman year, before I got involved and distracted by my relationship with Jordan. 

Speaking of boys, I’ve found myself not having any time for them anymore. I’ve been talking to a few guys but none of them are worthy of me pursuing any sort of commitment with any of them and I, honestly, just don’t really have time for guys or a relationship considering everything else I’m excited for and have on my plate in terms of academics and post-grad plans. I have so much going on in my day every day that I’ll pass up these dates or hang outs to fuck just so I can take a nap, watch Netflix and relax.

I’m happy I’ve stopped feeling sad for myself and stopped thinking something was wrong with me whenever I would think about how no one wants to be committed to me. Thinking through it all, commitment isn’t even something that I really want -- if anything, it’s just something that I sometimes miss because it was such an easy crutch for me over the past two years. 

I’ve been blessed with a lot of great networking opportunities as well in the past recent weeks. I was able to meet UCLA’s Chancellor and got an invitation to a very intimate Fireside Chat event at the Chancellor’s Residence with about 12 other graduating seniors. I was able to meet other high UCLA officials and administrators including our Vice Chancellor. A week after the Chancellor’s event, I was able to meet with our Vice Chancellor one-on-one to get some casual career advice from him and then to also talk about the serious campus issues that I care about regarding destigmatizing mental health issues for students. It was a productive conversation and he connected me with the Director of UCLA’s student health services office and the Director of UCLA’s counseling and psychological services office too. 

i’m sorry i lied to you throughout the past few years. i was in denial about my feelings for that other person, and after this past weekend, i realize that the feelings for that other person never went away... even when i told you that i didn’t care about him at all anymore. 

i lied and i’m sorry. but i can’t change how i feel about people in my life. there are just those individuals who come and go in your life yet your feelings for them can never change no matter how hard you try to shake them off. 

i never felt so relieved and so stress-free and happy knowing that you were no longer tugging on me mentally and emotionally... that you were no longer holding me back from finally expressing how i feel and have felt for him. you held me back so much and i blame myself for getting my feelings mixed up and having my priorities all over the place. understanding and coming to terms with how i’ve felt over the past few years and truly realizing who and what i prioritize in my life lately, has helped to feel like i am completely and utterly over you now. 

i’m not bitter or hurt. i hope you’re moving on well and you’ve found happiness and when you have found that happiness and feeling of content, i will be the first to say “i’m happy for you”. i feel this way in the hopes that you also understand and wish the best for me and where i am in life right now and where i plan on going in the (very) near future.