An Inbetween Place

I’m not even sure how to start this. This week has been a mess of emotions — and what builds on top of that is that I can’t help but feel like every which direction I look int is telling me how to feel. How I should react. How I should BE feeling.

And that makes me confused.

I guess that’s what happens when the nation is so polarized.

The 51 v 49 points metaphor really holds. In all the thoughts that are bubbling up in my mind.

Let’s tackle what feels slightly less emotionally grueling. What I have less skin in the game around.

Four more years of Trump.

It’s funny! When I first read those words .. they didn’t really sink in.

And then once they sunk in .. it was heartbreaking to read.

Truly, this last year .. I feel like I understand what heartache feels like.

(Not the manifestation coming true…)

But now… I feel almost nothing? I feel almost like .. it’s going to be okay? 

I don’t know what it is — the time, the last hour or so that I just went full send in on articles, or .. some of Brandon’s influence in actually listening to his polices and speeches.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m always going to think he’s an asshole and undeserving of power.

… It’s probably the fact that he won the popular vote that is aiding and accelerating acceptance.

I mean it’s also the fact that I DID WHAT I COULD! I can’t even say that the electoral college let me down! I voted with my one vote and the American public did the same and … yeah we SPOKE. And that’s that! It’s futile for me to do much else (at least right now). (Of course I can volunteer my time and my $$ for my preferred candidate and plug more into that system but … I mean just being honest, I really don’t know if I’ll do that! As the hypocrite I am!)

And not to give myself an out but .. I do think it’ll be fine. It’ll be 4 years of irritation and annoyance that he’s the figurehead of our country but … I do think I’ll turn out alright on the other end. And I know that’s my own privilege speaking out. And I know that’s giving myself a little bit of an out. But I really have seen the turnaround to acceptance.

Seen? Participated in.

Because I hate to say it but truly, the media IS sensationalized. And I stand by my comments about him being an utterly repulsive and repugnant person… butit’s’s not as bad as the headlines make it out to be.

Man, how have we got here? Truly crazy.

Let’s get into the meat of the problem. Or at least (selfishly) the core of what impact this has on me and where my thoughts have been this week.

How does this affect me & B?

It was … truly shocking for me to hear/learn about B’s support of Trump. 

I know that’s silly but I suppose I just assume we’re the same unless a conversation or an event leads me to think otherwise.

And … tbh I feel like this was an inevitable event. (What was that spidermen meme around this? OH, I cannot interfere, this is a canon event).

Hate to say it but Mickey called it — I do like an old school man. I want a man to take care of me, to take care of the household, to protect us and to be a strong figure.

So of course why wouldn’t he support Trump? AND I DO MEAN SUPPORT LIGHTLY… as in he didn’t vote (even though he would have if we were in a swing state and he was registered in time … so the clarification is really unnecessary).

Trump’s campaign ran on promising a better economy (so more $$ to support “our family”), cracking down on immigration (semi-financial benefits but relates to crime & etc) and … well other stuff that I cant really come up with a correlation at the moment.

When it comes to the big ticket items, we agree. I can see the rationale when it comes to what I feel more left on and he comes in with a more “rational” rightish thought.

It really comes down to culture politics and the fact that I think I’m more accepting and he’s more limiting due to one off cases.

The question is … is that enough? Are the shared beliefs enough? Can I accept him as he is — as a trump supporter?

I do feel a slight tinge of shame associated with it. That it says something about ME.

Which of course — it does! But really what it should say is that I am open-minded and not bigoted.

Because I do think a majority of my girlfriends (who mostly happen to be a politician every 4 years…) would treat this as a dealbreaker. 

And more power to them.

But it’s nothing to be ashamed of! If anything, that is a clear example of the divisiveness that is pushing us into this state of the nation.

June had a good point — that this should really should be a check in on the rest of our relationship.

Do I feel okay about his career, about our future together (financially), about him raising our future children?

I think the career and financial concerns… I think I need to weigh those more closely this year. I am giving him a shot — I am saying that I’ve never felt like we can’t do something because of monetary reasons but of course it bothers me that he still lives at home.

Like … I think I made up my mind that I am not staying in the basement any longer.

It’s not an innovative thought in any way but I do just want to see if we can just be happy together.

Because coming out of spending the weekend together… I am just happy today.

I don’t want to say goodbye to him.

I love him.

And as much as I’m trying to figure out what that all means… I do know that.

That he’ll always have that place in my heart. That I’ll always feel that.

The care he shows to me… the way he makes me feel safe.. the way he sees me… the way he puts up with my antics… I know other men could maybe do the same but I do love him for that. Beyond what he does for me… his slow and steady nature… his goofy cute sleepy state… his dorky love for history and plane videos… how he shows care to his family and me … I love it.

2:20 AM

2:20 AM!! That's right, 2:20 AM!!! I shouldn't have fked around so much, it's WAY too late to be using my brain; much less starting a journal post.

I don't even know what I want to get out. I know I'll be looking back at this post in a few weeks/months and only have a faint inkling of what happened. But it feels like it could have been a monumental shift.

I mean it was bound to happen. First big fight is almost ... a milestone. Like June + Mickey said -- it's much more telling how we navigate past/learn from this experience as opposed to the actual incident.

But I can't help but be filled with doubt now.

For heavens sake, I'm listening to a breakup playlist while writing this post.

And I .. I don't think I want to break up. I DO want to continue trying. I DO think we could have what it takes.

But for heavens sake, I'm just so tired of thinking.

I'm so tired of thinking through various 'What If' situations and how I would react.

I'm so tired of acting like my life is a chess game.

I'm so tired of giving updates and recaps to friends and well meaning folks.

I'm so tired of listening to other's opinions.

I'm so tired of feeling guilty -- like I'm doing something wrong with MY relationship and what I choose to do. Like I have to sneak around.

I'm so tired of being scared. Of feeling like I need to choose my heart or my mind.

I'm scared that he's not going to be able to give me all the effort I'm looking for.

I'm scared that he's going to not be able to deliver.

I'm scared everyone will be right.

I'm scared he's going to break my heart.

I'm scared I'm going to let him get away with too little for too long.

I'm scared I'm making the wrong choice. That there's a better fit out there.

I'm scared I'm self-sabotaging. That he could give me everything that I want -- but I'm pushing too hard, that I'm not letting things rock.

Things always seem the worst at night. The most devastating. The most un-fixable (2:30 AM mark, don't spell check me).

I want to re-reflect in the morning. I want to sit down and remember that I'm someone who likes -- maybe even needs? -- to see things through.

That's what I learned during my DZR era. That I stay true to my word and I give it my full effort.

If you learned something, it isn't a waste of time. If you had a journey -- it's about the experience and not the destination, no?

Also .. is it all really that serious? Like can we just boil it down to ... vibes and enjoyment? please?

It makes me think of the Legally Blonde quote -- we learn who we are and we have strong sense of self. And that must guide us.

Or something like that.

It's a blessing to find someone that I put my heart and trust and self into. To experience love and to be loved.

And do I love him? That's a whole other question.

I can't stop overthinking! How do I know what is right?!

Signing on on this rainy cloudy Saturday morning due to a weird guilty to not journaling (is it the rain? is it ClickForTaz running in the background and me seeing her growth and then me feeling guilty for not documenting my growth? the world will never know...) to just say that:

She's growing -- she's trying to figure out who she is in terms of her relationship, how that affects her day to day, and ultimately how happy she is/how to even figure that out

She's also trying to give herself some social grace -- she's just trying to let herself live and give herself time to figure things out and feel it all out

She's learning how to fight!!!! aka shes learning how to just be honest with her feelings, no matter what the fallout may be, and she's now aware of the fact that fighting with someone does not mean that they're just going to disappear from your life AND I feel like that's just going to help contribute to overall happiness and sustainability of our relationship

1:15 AM

And just like that.. another year has gone and it's time for my annual updates to the blog. This blog -- as cringey and cheesy as the posts are .. is so invaluable to me. Sitting here, on my (new!) couch, illuminated by christmas decorations and listening to the Bahamas croon in the background, rereading my posts from last year .. transport me back.

And what a bittersweet trip down memory lane that is.

It's so shocking to reread those posts. DRZ said he 'wants us to be in each other's lives for our entire lives'? A bich does NOT remember that...

Now... after nearly an entire year... it makes me think of him. And think not negative thoughts! Think about how our break up must have affected him. Think about whether or not he really meant those words. Think about whether or not what we had was really something special. Think about what he really thought about me .. and his perspective overall.

I know the rhetoric on this blog has always been that he's wronged me and he ain't shit -- and don't get me wrong, I do think he took some advantage of my good nature. But now.. nearly a year after the fallout ... I recognize that he never lied to me, never misled me. I simply settled for less than any person should accept and did not take his actions for what they were.

However, I refuse to feel badly about that. I read back through this blog -- all the way back to the Shanghai times... the Senior Diaz times... the Spencer/MS/SL/various other prospects times... the DRZ journey... and think about how each time, I leveled up.

I didn't know! Back in Shanghai, I didn't know what a proper date was. During Senior Diaz, I didn't know what dating looked like. During the prospects, I didn't know what I was looking for in a partner. During the DRZ times, I didn't know what was necessary for me in a relationship... and that's all led me to where i am. Every step has been hard earned knowledge.

And I am definitely not saying that I've figured it all out now.

There's simply too much to update on.

I said it in a previous blog post last year -- situationships simply prepare you for your relationship. And in so many ways, BL is a direct contrast to DRZ.

He's overly communicative of his feelings for me (which is a problem of it's own because it causes me to believe him less... or at least get used to hearing it), he's overly committed, he's willing to do anything that I request (kinda... I'm working on my boundaries).

It's really a mind f*ck to read my previous posts and compare where I'm at now vs where I was at this time last year. It's wild to me that one small tiny year could make such a huge difference.

And... I am happy. I have my reservations and I'm recognizing how my dating journey/situationship/general insecurities are affecting me and my relationship (wow that's crazy)... but he does make me happy .. and I'm happy!

I want to fully submerge myself -- I want to fall so deeply in love, I want to jump into the ocean, I want to let it just envelope me with zero apprehension.

But I can't.

I feel myself holding myself back -- I feel myself holding onto self doubt and insecurities.

Sure, maybe partially it's us and our communication and our struggles of 'medium' distance and transportation and etc.

But really, I think it's me. I think it's my indecision about whether or not I want this to be IT and for this to be my PERSON. I think it's my insecurities of never being loved before. I think it's my people-pleaser tendencies rearing their ugly head again -- which is really just a nice way to say that I don't want to give people a reason to leave me.

Not to be an overly optimistic b*tch but .. he is actually somewhat helping with the laundry list of items that I have discovered are right under the surface.

I know he loves me. I know he's ready for the commitment. I know he'll do what it takes. I know he wants this.

And that lends the ability to have disagreements. To know that every disagreement isn't going to be the end of our relationship. To know that our tenuous tie.. really isn't all that tenuous. As long as we both agree it to be so.

I think that's really the core of it.

I'm so afraid of people leaving me that disagreements and tiffs lead to me just brushing it under the rug and that leads to me feeling like my voice isn't being heard or that I'm being a doormat. And then that leads to fights down the line because I don't want my voice not to be heard.

And really, that fear is really from the countless (lol) men I've cycled through re: dating and the way .. DRZ was such a integral part of my life .. to the way he simply wasn't one day. It's still hard for me to wrap my head around.

I suppose that's the way it goes though.

I don't really have a point tonight.

I'm just reminiscing.

It's been a crazy year.

It's been a crazy 29 years.

I'm now just sitting here.. thinking about if I'm happy.

And really, I don't even want to think about it.

I want to just let myself fall freely in.

For all of my late night pondering and heavily discussed "moves".. it's not like it's protected me from heartache before, right?

No way out but through...

1:50 AM

5:48 PM

As I sit in this (new!!) Soho location of think coffee (5 minute review -- it's very nice, there's a TON of seating and they have a good collection of non-caffeinated drinks! we like this one far more than the think coffee next to Courant), thinking about how the past few days have gone ... trying to read my high and .. semi deranged scribbles from Friday night ... I feel like it's actually helping my mood from earlier today.

I was doing so well on Saturday! I suppose, it's like anything else and there are both good and bad days. For the foreseeable future, there will just be that melancholy tinge to my days -- being unhappy because I'm not talking to him or seeing him or ... having him in my life.

Today I guess we are just lonely and wish we were spending time with him. Even though we know all the things about him making the situationship all about his needs and not mine .. we want to disregard and still spend time with him.

And that's okay! To acknowledge that I am going to feel that way for a while.

I keep getting distracted because I don't want to get into the meat of things and truly end it.

But here we go -- we need to end it. There is no future here and staying is making us miserable. He's never going to change and I can't hang around waiting for that. He even said so!

So what are we going to do?

I don't want to wait all week for this so I might really try to do something sooner. I need to think about it.. confer with the girlies. A drink after work is a bad idea but then the only alternative is doing something next weekend or doing something virtual.

RE: What to say ... I want to be honest -- I almost want to hurt him, to let him know that i've been hurting this entire time. I've already practiced this a million times in my head -- "Dating without commitment has led to me feel really insecure of my standing with you and has led me to feel like I'm constantly vying for your attention. It's making me miserable and I just can't continue it anymore. Also, I don't think we can be friends so ... unless you feel ready to commit somewhere down the line or want to give dating another shot, then this is it. But also for now, this is definitely it.

I definitely have more to say but I need to go!!!!

10:03 PM?

A note -- I've been beating myself up for feeling immature and insecure with David but it's because of my lack of a defined relationship (aka commitment) combined with a lack of reaching out (like reaching out and having good, long convos) and seeing each other/making time for each other (we didn't even see each other when he was on break lol) has led me for a long time (since before thailand even) to feel like I'm fighting for him to continue liking me. Didn't I send him that semi nude because I wanted to ensure I still had his interest? I felt like I was losing his interest because he was no longer making me a priority in terms of time and making time. Is that what's making me feel so terrible these last few weeks? The fact that I've been fighting a losing battle with him for his interest? Is this what it always means to be in a relationship? If so, I don't think I can bear it. I have to imagine not though -- that being in a actual relationship with commitment and constant reminders of a person loving you reduces one's insecurities. Potentially not to 0 I suppose. But when will one be able to ever not feel that? I suppose the same question lies with your friendships -- as long as you've made enough of an effort and aren't always an asshole, they cut you some slack and you feel comfortable in trusting that y'all will be in each others lives forever. When did I start feeling that with Deanna and Tina? I suppose that's all it is.. another iteration upon that.

I will say though -- as this draft grows ... I cannot go back. Sitting here and thinking about how I was about to type 'If love means being in this constant state of chasing and ensuring I kept his interest ... I don't know if I want it' is literally a sign in that I cannot go back. I spent the last few months in agony -- waiting for his texts, waiting for our dates.. and how shitty was that feeling? He literally just gave me just enough to keep me hanging... just enough attention at the end of the week to keep me on the line ... just enough conversation a day to keep me invested in him and let me not imagine a life without him. But I always wanted more -- more time to spend together, more conversations to go on... and for so long I feel like the power has been in his court. And that's what led to the last few months to be terrible... just a jumbled up emotional mess who's happiness depends upon when David decides to text me back. Or call me. Or do anything without me first asking for it. And that always made me feel like I was the insecure girlfriend, the one asking for too much from him and the only one who would bend over backwards to accommodate what he needed.

Why was I so touched yesterday when he said 'he would want me to be in his life forever'? I was lowkey shocked when he said that ... which means I wasn't expecting that to be true/wasn't anticipating him saying that cause I didn't think he meant it.

Shouldn't that be something that you should expect someone you're currently dating and want to be currently dating to think? I guess it was the long term-ness about it that shocked me.

That's it really. I am in my love sucks era because right now I cannot imagine love without this desperation.. this insecurity. This constant fighting for his attention and fighting to keep it. Like I must keep fit.. I must say something funny.. I must .. never be mad. I feel terribly embarrassed re: admitting my feelings for him to him .. but why? Because now that he's caught me, there's no more chase in it? But if all there was was the chase.. I think we were past that long ago.

I guess that's it -- I cannot imagine the beautiful aspects of love without associating it to the toxicity of the previous paragraph. If only I had more from him -- more commitment, more verbal and physical affection, more time and energy that shows me he cares ... And the fact that my view on love right now is so ... piss poor I think states why I can't go back.

He's showing me in all the ways that it matters -- in our text convos, in our time (1 in a month?), in our calls (the 15 min hard end) that it's just all not enough. I've been MISERABLE -- my self esteem feels like it's been stomped all over -- hoping that he doesn't move onto some other prettier girl and just hoping I don't lose his interest.. that our current setup won't work.

I don't have enough access to him -- I don't feel okay blowing up his phone and texting him and calling him and I'm trying to play it cool

Why am I trying to play it cool? Why was he making me chase for so long? It's clearly not working so I need to back off.

Keep thinking about how desperate you've been for his attention over the last couple of weeks. It shouldn't be like that. Not for a long time. It feels like when I was pining for Sung. It feels terrible -- like he's always going to be the conventionally hot and muscular guy that everyone in the office like and you're always going to be the fat girl in the class that nice but "just as a friend". And him talking to you is like him being kind and he's secretly embarrassed inside cause he knows you like him but he would never like you. It was the same way with Dennis Kan.

Wow I feel like I really am going to need the time and energy to work through that one. That was quite a nugget uncovered.

I think this time is even worse because David is really like ... not hot. It's embarrassing that I'm fighting so hard over a medium ugly man. But it'a repeating itself! That's why I'm so hesitant to tell him that I like him -- because I think he'll feel bad inside that I like him more than he likes me. Which is what I felt about Spencer -- and I knew all along that it would never move into a relationship for me. I even said so to Deanna multiple times.

So I suppose I should really dig into that -- that I thought Spencer was kinda embarrassing in his ... lack of being hard to get. And now I feel like the Spencer of the relationship -- coupled with all the stereotypes of girls trying to lock men down.

I guess what I'm thinking about ... is that a lot of my past few experiences with dating has left me with feeling very unlovable and with very low self esteem recently. Like I feel like every time I get close to a man ... he never likes me enough to make his girlfriend. I'm just desperate for a boyfriend right now that I'll take anyone that has lasted long enough it seems.

I'm lonely because I feel like everyone's found someone. I'm feeling very unlovable. I don't like that energy at all.

So do I even like David that much or do I simply like having someone around? To call when I'm drunk and let's be honest... horny? I remember doing that a little with Senior Diaz as well -- just liking having someone but for some reason I could cut away with that one. Maybe it was because school consumed me -- there wasn't as much emphasis on dating (at least in my eyes). Ever since I prioritized dating .. it's become much more of a emphasis.

Maybe that's what we need to do. Cut back down the emphasis. You gave it a good two years -- it's time to work back to enjoying what you had without the men.

I think that's the only way forward -- the only way to stop this from running your life and dictating your happiness.

Think of all the things that you didn't really enjoy this last year. The holidays! The first few days in THAILAND!!! Now that's truly a shame and you should be mad at him for that. For ruining your trip to thailand.

And think of the lack of courtesy he showed by also RUINING YOUR TRIP TO SPAIN?! Like .. this man only thinks about himself and what's best for him. And isn't that one of your least favorite things?

Doesn't that show what a good for nothing mfker that guy is? He couldn't even let you enjoy your vacations? Where you felt like there was this umbrella of doom around you?! Isn't that the way you felt yesterday?? You had to lie and pretend to be happy even though you haven't felt at ease or happy/content in your normal day to day life in months. And you felt terrible when you were at home and had to fake it in front of your mom. Or this week when your mom was here.

And what good thing is there about this man that is even worth mourning over. You don't think he's that hot, you don't have good sex with him, he doesn't make you feel special or treat you right. He's never taken me to do the things that I've mentioned that I wanted to do. And I'll always harbor some shame and sadness around that and my wants not being met.

Like was i not good enough to go hiking with?

I let this man make me feel this way and I cannot anymore. He is a nice man and .... whether or not I like him because of him OR if it's because I haven't had anyone else stick around as long or wanted to stick around as long (I guess if I didn't want them to stick around... then that means I was the one that broke it off and thus can't be THAT desperate yet). anyways -- he is a nice man but look at the way he's making me feel about myself.

I need to go back to back when my own life -- just me! -- made me happy.

Truly, I understand now -- you gotta make sure you can just be happy in your own life before you can merge it with anyone else's.

I guess I became codependent on having his interest and affection. And since I haven't been getting enough of it recently ... that's why I've been feeling so terrible.

Clearly it cannot continue. I will find someone that I can do cute couples shit with. It isn't going to be David so if I want to achieve that, I need to move on.

I should get more edibles. TO be fair -- David was right about this ... writing is so easy and touch feels great. We'll save it for our next boyfriend -- there's always a new opportunity out there.

10:57 PM

4:03 PM

First of all... WELL WELL WELL LOOK WHO HAS A NEW EDITOR... it's still such a tiny box though, I don't know how big of a difference this makes.

Ok brief interlude to wrap up work...

6:09 PM

We're feeling better today -- almost a little dramatic and embarrassed about yesterday (crying in the park whilst on the phone? god bless). Sleep and food do a world of wonder.

We are going to be okay and we are going to be able to make the hard decisions.

It's weird -- I've never thought of myself as someone who cries often but I've genuinely cried so many times over this man. Just spontaneously! Just out of the blue! Just sitting at my desk whilst thinking about it or talking about it!

That's not a negative, that's just a point.

We don't really know where we're going to go from here but we're determined to make some steps.

Baby steps!

I feel like I'm a constant jumble of emotion so let's at least do what we promised DK we would do.

Con List:

He literally does not want the same thing that I do (and is not the type of guy that I can convince into something... not that I should be doing any convincing).

He's broke (sorry that it has to be on the list but it does!!! A bich likes to go out and do nice things)

He has crippling anxiety/depression - to the point where he cannot follow through with plans and can't get out of bed.

He does not prioritize seeing me/making time for me.

He has no job and at this rate will not be finding a good internship. -- Expanding on this, he cannot get his shit together in order to find a good internship.

He doesn't do things that I have expressed interest in us doing together -- i.e.: apple picking, hiking, etc.

I am a 10.. he is a 6 max. This is purely to boost my ego cause I'm insecure, and that's fine.

He doesn't take care of himself -- he doesn't work out, he doesn't eat right, he doesn't clean his space, he doesn't sleep ... he simply doesn't have his shit together.

The sex is ... it's pretty bad. It's really not great most of the time and it's only good once in a while. He can't even keep it up! It also hurts my self esteem.

What's sad about all of this is that even typing this out doesn't even make that much of an impact on me. Like, I would willingly take on all these negatives if it meant that he wanted to give us a shot. I would nurture and heal him and make sure there was always food on the table.

Ain't that sad.

It's ironic because I definitely said to him "don't say that we can't see each other anymore" on Tuesday. And now, I'm the one that's saying it to him.

I know he's just going to accept it. I know he's going to say 'okay, if that's what's best for you". And all I want is for him to fight for me. To say "no, let's hang out and figure it out together". To say "please don't do this, we'll make it through".

I feel like he really got me wilding because I'm really out here considering "maybe I can just continue casually dating him?". "Maybe the label isn't that important to me?"

Like BFFR bich... how insecure do you feel in your "relationship" with him because he hasn't made you his girlfriend? How many times have you felt like you were overstepping or that your needs weren't being met?

I am definitely writing this right now to convince myself and make myself double down.

I mean, I really don't like the fact that he's on tinder. I don't like the fact that he keeps me at a arms length distance and doesn't give me time.

Okay I think we need another list...

Needs that he has not met:

We don't see each other that often - like once every other week now and that's a MAYBE. Sure, we talk on the phone but that's not the same.

We definitely don't have as much sex as I'd like. Sorry????

He's not loyal. He wants to talk to other girls, see other girls, keep his options open.

He doesn't want to build a relationship together.

He's honestly just not adding anything to my life -- like sure, I enjoy spending time with him and talking to him but at the end of the day, I'm always going to want more. I'm going to want commitment and he's made it clear that he cannot provide that.

He's creating a lot of stress and sadness in my life. At the end of the day, it shouldn't be that hard to make things work.

I'm honestly so tired of thinking about this and talking about this and just ... just being in it.

Undoubtedly, more updates to come.

6:45 AM

Can we have a brief interlude for how absolutely shite (lol shes obsessed with that right now) the tumblr editing UI is? This teeny tiny little module that pops up ... we simply do not love it. I’ll bet we won’t even be seeing the same UI the next time we post but more on that later...

Anyways -- here we are, jet lagged after our 2 week trip to SE Asia (Bangkok, Krabi, Hanoi, Hoi An, HCMC just because future Jess will inevitably forget) and just in such a weird place emotionally. (There is no room for pretty prose right now).

Here, on this winter-y morning -- where it’s already past when I used to be on the Auburndale LIRR track, waiting for that cold rush of air that signified that I was on my way to Stuy and yet another day of routine was about to begin; the sky is still grey and dark and I’m sipping on a coffee, burning a candle and throwing my Haven onto it’s brightest possible setting (now that’s a purchase that might not be around - or used, rather - when the next post comes out but the vibes are just too good to return). 

I can hear the city coming alive around me - the clanging of the elevator, the rush of the cabs outside and the apartments across the way slowly illuminating. I do love and relish the moment the city wakes up; going from the rare quiet and serene city (lol would anyone who didn’t grow up in the city agree with me that the city @ 4-5 AM is ‘serene’) to the ‘hustle and bustle’ of people getting up, speed walkers on their way to the train with coffees in hand, delis and carts running through orders like nobody’s business. 

However, I feel rushed and anxious - like I need the cover of darkness to get all my thoughts out. Like I can’t be vulnerable in the daylight. Like I’m racing against the sun and as always, fighting a losing battle. Like my fingers and words are failing me with their lack of speed. Like I’m taking an exam and my thoughts are sticky and moving through honey.

And on that note, we should really just get into it. It’s the elephant in the room -- and I guess keeping in tradition, we should stick to initials on this blog. Good ole D. DRZ if you will. I cannot fathom a day that I do not remember this man’s name but if my brief scroll through this blog tells me anything, that day may come one day. (Well, I doubt I won’t remember his name fully, but it’ll be a foggy memory).

I’ve been saying this and stewing in it but I should say that I really did get what I wished for. For two whole years (and the last post commemorates it), all I’ve been saying is that I want something. Anything to make me feel something. Anything so that I don’t feel apathy and nothing more than a faint wave of sadness for a few hours over someone saying goodbye forever. Anything to make me fully understand the heartbreak songs and the crazy movies and everything in this godforsaken relationship obsessed media (holidays are not a fun time to be struggling with this).

I just saw something on Instagram that may have prompted this post. A joke about how with situationships, all they do is prepare someone else for a relationship with the next person. I suppose LI guy (S...XYZ? we cannot remember his last name for the life of us.. and that tells the audience enough really) would agree. 

I gotta get a move on - I see the sky lightening through the (white lol that was a terrible idea) curtains and my mom just called me. I need to move out of this headspace and get back into my normal business bich/empty head bich mood.

I’m being dramatic really - and that’s totally fine, we support our dramatic queens. Nothing has happened, but it’s just all in the water. We never were in a real relationship but we’re about to have our break up conversation. I can picture it completely -- I’m going to ask for more (as I have been) and he’ll let me know that he can’t give me what I want. The only shift here is that this time, I won’t respond with ‘okay’. It’ll be a ‘okay, I think we should stop seeing each other then’. And even typing that breaks my heart a little.

I think it’s the fact that he won’t fight for me that is the heart wrenching part.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised but I really want to be.

I suppose I should be all manifest the future you want and sending good vibes into the ether but I know that’s a fool’s mission.

I suppose that’s all I have left in terms of a defense mechanism --  the whole you expect nothing so you aren’t disappointed situation.

Who would have thought? A simple party for a friend of a friend, coming off of a weird situation with a coworker (lol A... what a time that was) and several drinks in... and we’d find ourselves here -- 6 months later. 

Not to silver line everything but this entire situation just demonstrates what little I had with everyone I thought I did have something with - LI guy, MS, S (BW one.. I forgot his last name which is a positive thing IMO), and the countless other 2/3 week dudes that I’ve cycled through.

I can’t even pinpoint why I like him -- I suppose I just enjoy spending time with him. He makes the time go by so easy -- it forever will remind me of that song ‘Loving You is Easy’. Not that I love him, but I can finally see what those lyrics are about.

It’s insane really - I want to talk to him all the time, I want to see him all the time, I want to wake up next to him and go to bed next to him - to start our days together and end them together. I want to travel together, to explore new places and have new experiences. I want to drink just a little too much together and think about nothing for a while. I want to feel safe and secure and wanted and loved and everything! I just want everything together.

Even typing that.. after the last few weeks, I haven’t even let myself think those thoughts - much less relish in them.

I know I’m falling for the classic girl move (also something I saw on Instagram... can the algorithm let a girl LIVE?). The whole, do you like him OR do you simply like the possibility of him? Everything you imagine with him?

Regardless, I want to acknowledge all of that. I want to acknowledge the good that we had, the reason for all the tears and heartbreak and angst. For all the glasses of wine and pining to the girlies.

It feels like pressing on the wound but I want to go through all the fun times we had. The somewhat insane night at the Canary Club that led to Maru. The countless number of bottles of wine we made our way through and my sheer surprise over the number of hours that pass whenever we’re together. My birthday. The hours we have spent on the phone. 

I struggle with recalling those things which may be a positive sign after all.. the body’s defense mechanism coming in strong.

Not to be vengeful, but I hope he’s sad. I hope I’m more than just a blip for a few hours and then he’s back on tinder.

And just like that, my coffee cup is cold and empty and I can hear the clanging of the garbage trucks outside. The cloudy winter light is coming in -- dark and grey and yet too illuminating for me to continue this really.

I suppose the last thing - and the main thing I wanted to get down earlier... I want so badly to relish in this in between place. This grey area of having something and not. This urge to be happy with what I’ve got even though it’s not entirely what I want - but at least it’s somewhat!

I know that’s a cowards move.

And I’d be lying if I didn’t say that has been my position since October (the infamous pre-Spain date lmao).

I’m nearly shocked by how many times I’ve cried in with/over this man. I mean the number is like 3 but still.

And I know that I cannot be happy with this. It’s a disservice to myself! To my original goal.

I know all of this and it’s still so hard. 

I guess I just really want someone. And at least in this moment right now, I want it to be DRZ.

Now that’s a line that future Jess will definitely cringe over...

7:38 AM

EDIT - 7:41 AM

As I was scrolling through this blog - something caught my eye... something about peach picking/hiking upstate. 

And an irrational anger overtook me - I mentioned it how many times to DRZ and did we go? Never. I mentioned going to a sports bar and watching a game and did we go? Never. And he had to gall to mention that that was something I wanted to do and asked me how it went when I did!

Good riddance. 

I should ride this high all the way to the conversation.

The gorlies are right - let that MAN-GO. You can do so much better.

12:48 AM

Guess that didn’t last long, huh?

I was so close to deleting both blogs associated with this email address and starting with a clean slate. But despite the immense amounts of cringe I experienced from scrolling through this blog, I feel like it would be too much of a loss. To miss out on all those past posts/the memories they conjure up simply because of embarrassment.

So we’ll try this again, right? (I wholeheartedly understand that this reads like a bad fanfiction but I cannot stop myself 🤷🏻‍♀️good thing this isn’t my day job...)

At the risk of sounding like the first five minutes of a terrible romcom, so many things have changed.

As I type, I’m now 26 years old - a real adult, with a whole ass job and a 401K. We’re* even on the brink of purchasing real estate (and along with that a M O R T A G E - spelling it like that makes it less scary, right?).

SO, not like it’s anything that we don’t know but I graduated from NYU in 2016 (NOT with honors, thank you very much ... me) but with a major in computer science and a minor in web programming/applications (..so more computer science). We spent exactly 1 month job hunting (got our offer from bluewolf on the 1 month mark after graduation) and have spent the last four and a half years making money for the man. Halfway through that, the IBM acquisition went through and we went up in salary but went down in culture/coworkers/anything fun. 

There weren’t only bad times though. We managed to squeeze in a free trip to Morocco (along with comp’ed flights to Barcelona + the Canary Islands) and have made some great friendships along the way (cue the sparks and melodic background music). 

It makes me immensely sad at this moment to think about how one day, I may be scrolling through this blog and no longer in close communication with Mickey/Swati/other Bluewolf friends. I know that it’s probably going to happen (given the natural course things take - i.e. what’s happened with Leo, Mary, Shelby, Caitlin, Emily -- pps, this makes it sound like something terrible happened, which it did NOT, life just goes on) but I just wanted to note this brief moment of sadness.

In addition to that brief moment of sadness, I also regret not keeping up with this habit/not picking this up during.. let’s phrase them as ‘highlight’ moments of my life. If only I had a post - no matter how brief - during graduation, first day at work, first vacation, really good days, really bad days...

Since we don’t have that - here’s a quick rundown.

Graduation - 2016, super sunny, Yankee stadium did NOT have enough shade (I got sunburnt on my nose), super hectic afterwards, felt like something was happening in my mind/body but I couldn’t really tell what it was (like a feeling of something building up), hopped on a flight to Puerto Rico, first family vacation overseas!, June had to do something for work so everyone was tense, but it was a great week or so

Job Hunting - 2016, super nervous/scared, got really good at getting on the phone immediately after waking up from a nap, thought I crushed a interview - didn’t get it, got crushed by an interview - left the building in the elevator crying, and finally things fell into place

Working! Romas Regime - 2016, super scared of code review and being accepted by the rest of the devs, super scared about being able to complete the ask(s), learned so much, had a weird crush on K/L?

Working! Niki/Kate Regime - 201?-2018, had it under control, considered job hunting?, maybe this was the golden age...

Working! TD Regime - 2018-2019, big shift to full time/classic services client/traveling, DEF had a .. i’m not going to demean myself and say it was weird - crush on S (weirdly had a dream involving him the other night...my feelings did not get returned even in dream form.. that’s rough, buddy), got REAL close to mickey (yay :’) ), def had a lil blossoming crush on A (is it a crush if I just want to wrap him up in a blanket and keep him safe? mans is a sweetheart), learned my lesson about eating out all the time.. lol

Working! 2020 - pandemic vibes, we’ll definitely be getting into this more (in future posts? optimistic but I think I can carry that out), working from queens home is pretty sweet but that division between home + work has disappeared (a easy thing to give up in a hard year), no boss regime!, not good for career growth (aka me flip flopping between feeling guilty about this and not caring)

Just right now, figured out a hack in inserting bullet points since I was too lazy to look up the HTML for it... still got it

I knew this was going to blossom into a.. unsurmountable task once I started. I’ll have to go into more detail in future posts. HOWEVER, the reason I wanted to get back into writing posts today was because I was ~~~reminiscing~~~ about 2020.

Obviously it’s been a hard year. I can’t even begin to describe how it felt back in March -- how I woke up in a panic that grey and rainy Friday morning, fretting over buying groceries because that was the only thing I could control. The sheer defeat I felt when I got to TJs and the line was down the block. The ease and relaxation I felt when I finally got home that Saturday morning.. it felt like my entire chest was opening up.

But the sheer fact that what I’m describing is just around the fear of covid and not about loss or sickness or job security says a lot. And the fact that I felt like I had to say that on a personal blog that literally no one reads (and I’d like to keep it that way, thank you) says a lot about the guilt I feel with my privilege during this year (not that I’m trying NOT to feel guilty.. I am cool living with it).

But my conversations with Sharon lately/the posts I’ve been seeing online pushed me to write/reflect on this. A lot of good has happened for/to me this year! And I want to put it into words and celebrate it.

Here we go again with the bullets hack:

Weight Loss - I really never thought I’d be able to accomplish all the work I’ve done so far. We started in July 2019 at 174 pounds and today I weighed in at 135 pounds. Let’s cut ourselves a break and give us that last pound.. that’s 40 pounds! 

Fitness - This basically goes hand in hand with the last point but I’m also .. shocked with where I’m at today. I can run a few miles, no problem. I feel good! during my run. I know even if I feel poorly, I’ll get back on the starting line and have the potential for a great run - and even if the next one isn’t, it’s still a run in the books! I know what a figure four stretch, a lateral squat, a romanian deadlift, a bear crawl, what all those things are now! 

Family - I’ve spent a TON of time with my parents/family this year (it’s been my only social interaction really). It’s hard at times sure - I miss certain things from last year/pre-covid thats FOR SURE - but it’s nice to spend time with my parents as a ... ‘adult’. It’s nice for us to have this time together.. and for us to be able to make these memories. 

It’s late now (lol that depends on your POV) so I’ll leave those bullets as summaries and go into further detail later on. I do want to say, I’m glad I’m doing this. As cringy as it will be to reread, I’m glad to have this down and appreciative of the reflection.

1:35 AM

  package edu.nyu.cs.jmw633;

 .

Start by containing within a package,

or the whole code falls apart.

You gotta start somewhere.

Structure.

 .

public class DailyRoutine {

 .

No spaces,

capitalize the first letter of every word.

Follow the conventions,

it makes everything easier.

Customs.

 .

public static void main(String [] args) {

 .

Define your main method.

A program will only run the main method.

It is impossible,

to have a program without a main method.

Rules.

 .

while (true) {

 .

A while loop,

runs whenever the boolean is interpreted as true –

which it is defined as.

Expected.

 .

System.out.println(“routine routine routine”);

 .

Prints output to the console,

the outcome of the code.

After all,

it all boils down to one simple thing.

At the end of the day,

what exactly do you got?

Results.

 .

break;

 .

Immediately stops reading the code,

jumps out of the entire program.

Skips to the bottom,

a shortcut to the light in end.

A trump card,

an ace in the hole.

Allows for control,

for freedom to bend the rules, the structure, the expected,

to control the customary, to produce the results you want.

  The city sleeps.

 .

It slumbers peacefully,

a plump newborn,

sated by an ever-watching eye.

A treasure,

a royal,

a doll,

whose conscious hours are only rivaled by crying hours.

Here in the Upper West Side.

 .

The city sleeps.

 .

It passes out gracelessly

a mess of high heels, hair gel and smoky eyes.

After actions completed, achievements unlocked,

for image,

for pride,

for only God knows what,

swirls of the truth left lingering in the air.

Here in the Lower East Side.

 .

The city sleeps.

 .

It dozes unintentionally,

on a couch too soft,

too worn in after so many repeated offenses.

After a day of

responsibility,

routine,

redundancy.

Soft snoring overlays

vividly colored animation filled infomercials,

excessively detailed breaking news about puppies,

and the drama unfolding among a much tanner breed.

Here in Midtown.

 .

The city sleeps.

 .

It drives itself into a stupor,

a suspension of reality.

Pick your poison, have your pick;

Who says you don’t got options?

Here in Harlem.

 .

  The city sleeps.

 .

It dreams, vividly and fantastically,

without a care for rules and reason.

 .

It dreams in paint,

in sculpture,

in photographs.

 .

It dreams in skyscrapers,

in apps,

in robots.

 .

It dreams in pasta,

in sushi,

in fusion dishes.

 .

It dreams in song,

in dance,

in acts.

 .

It dreams in diplomas,

in research,

in breakthroughs.

 .

It dreams in tears,

in blood,

in long caffeine driven nights.

 .

It dreams in Spanish,

in Chinese,

in the cacophonous mishmash of fused languages.

 .

It dreams in extravagant penthouse apartments overlooking the skyline,

in rooms shared by too many people, too many languages, too many dreams,

in red brick, white picket, green grass, two and a half children houses.

 .

Here in the city that never sleeps.

 .

The city sleeps,

  When you recall memories,

you don’t just

spit out facts.

You recreate,

rework,

relive.

.

The neural pathways

burn bright

every time;

speeding cars

flowing through the night.

.

Millions of synapses

reawaken,

a racetrack

in the height of the season.

.

If only for a millisecond,

they come alive,

vibrant in emotion,

brimming with meaning.

.

Details fade

and details change.

  .

Every time,

a different car,

a different track,

a different race.

.

Every retelling

differs from its

inevitable successor,

it’s soon-to-be

sister,

brother,

sibling.

.

Every scene

resembles it’s next.

Not exactly –

but,

just a bit,

but,

just enough.

.

Rooted in your mind,

reconstruction,

reinterpretation,

Fuck you, you pompous piece of crap ... take your attitude and shove it back up your French ass cause I really don't need your shit.

You're a TA for an intro class in the first year of a university - no need to take your job so goddamn seriously.

Also - we are not all cheating. It is a five minute quiz. We shouldn't have to use english to explain what the equations mean.  Can you stop being such a hardass? We just want to pass this mandatory class. Goddamn

Also fuck you micro

Fuck you wifi in jinduyuan

Content

Went to Shenzhen

Saw Tiny versions of everything

Want to go everywhere

Trains are crowded

Long and crowded

Shenanigans on the train with English

Arabic food is good

Beer and the people who sell it are cool

Food is just good

Wine changes taste … a lot

Massages are the most rejuvenating thing ever

People are nice to get to know

loneliness is real

Looking forward to hiking

Miss family trips … buddhist temples are peaceful and make you think about old memories ... about fudge and waterfalls

I want to go to a small town.. Know everybody and drive around

Cantonese milk tea ... not that good