A M B I T I O U S

When she reached out, he took her hand and brought her fingers to his lips. It was an unconscious romantic gesture, something he had been doing with her for years. It felt incredibly easy to slip back into it now. “I’m scared, Amy,” he said quietly. “Sometimes it feels like I’m scared all the time. You know how brutal this industry can be. All it takes is one mistake – one flop – one rumor – and …”

He made a vague hand gesture. He knew she got the picture. Hollywood had been much crueler to her than it had been to him, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have his own anxieties. He was talented, sure, but there were so many talented people out there. Sometimes it felt like more luck than hard work that got him here. He didn’t like to think that way, but the thought was there, all the same.

Amy returned a small smile of her own, even if they fought they always managed to makeup. One step at a time, she would tell herself after the breakup happened. She understood his fear of being dropped from an A list actor so easily. Hollywood was a tough career to maintain in the spot light, she took notice of the leaps actors did to achieve the money, some not so proudly. 

Hearing her words broke his heart. “Leaving you is one of my biggest regrets,” he admitted. “We were fighting all the time, and I didn’t know how to make things work. But I didn’t want to try, either. I was a dumb kid who thought that love didn’t need work. I didn’t even want to try and talk things out and make things better because it felt too hard.” He reached out and took Amy’s hand.

“But I don’t want things to be that way anymore. I don’t want to be the High School Carter, and I don’t want to be Young and Dumb Carter, either. I want to be the Carter that I am now … Someone who is older and more mature. Not perfect, but learning.” He sighed. “I just want you to see … I’m not shallow. I care about what I do … and I care about you. I’m going to take both seriously, just like I always should have.” He always took his acting seriously and worked hard at it. It was time to work hard at his relationship with Amy, too.

Sighing at her advice, he flopped backward on his bed. “I know you’re right. But what if they decide that I’m not worth the trouble? If they don’t really care about the acting … if they only see me as a pretty face, well, there’s millions of those in Hollywood. I’m worried.” Success was fleeting and if he didn’t play his cards right, it could all end tomorrow. He knew that. It was why he was so hesitant to be open about his relationship with Amy. Everything he did was so scrutinized.

Amy crawled beside him and laid on her stomach, turning her head to the side as she listened to him talk about his concerns. This was probably the first time in a long time they did this, it was always fighting and jealousy between the two that they never took the time to listen to the other’s problem or what was bothering them. In a way, they were maturing, their relationship was becoming more mature then when they were in high school thinking they knew everything. 

Carter wasn’t in the shower when she came up. How could he be? He felt like they were back at square one, fighting over everything. But somehow, this was worse. Because those little spats were about nothing, while this … it was like she wasn’t even talking to him. Like she thought he was someone completely different than who he was. Like she didn’t know him at all, didn’t want to even bother to listen.

He wanted to accept her apology, he did. That felt like the mature thing to do, which was what he was really trying to do. But he was still deeply hurt, and her apology felt like a bandaid smacked on a bruise – it looked good, in theory, but it didn’t really do any good and the damn thing still hurt. He rubbed a hand over his face, feeling the want to snap at her rise up. He managed to push it down this time, which felt like progress.

“How could you just … forget?” He shook his head. It sounded too wounded. “I mean … I don’t mean it like that. But, like … God, Amy, if that’s the person you really think … thought … I am, then how can you even stand to be around me? Why even bother with something like this with someone so shallow? That’s not who I am, that’s not who I want to be.”

Amy was lost with words, part of her felt terrible for quickly assuming that Carter became a shallow celebrity that she saw while working in this type of field and even through magazines and gossip. She let herself be pushed into thinking Carter was known for getting everything he wanted and she lost herself along the way. The high school Amy Reese who believed in a lot of things, the main support for Carter and would always watch the passion in his eyes and actions on stage had her falling for him harder which each performance. Amy could feel her lips turning down into a frown, she did feel terrible so terrible that she wouldn’t blame him for yelling at her and start a fight that was familiar. 

“I don’t know Carter, being in this field fogs my judgement and when you just ended things you added another nail into it having me think that every big time movie star was arrogant on what he or she did no matter what the cost. Then when we decided to try this again, seeing glimpse of you made me happy to see you didn’t lose the high school Carter I grew to know and love was still there.” She explained the best she could, toying with the end of the shirt, “I just assumed the worse in people and I’m sorry.” 

“I apologized, Amy – can’t you give me a little credit here?” He apologized within seconds of messing up, but that still wasn’t enough for her? “I know I’m not perfect, but honestly, I’m really trying here. The last thing I need is you … Wait.” He trailed off, her words really sinking in. Not just the fact that she was annoyed with him for snapping at her (which, okay, she had every right to be, but clearly he was trying to make it better), but what came after that.

“Amy … Jesus, Amy, are you even listening to what I’m trying to tell you?” He ran a hand through his hair. “They … They fucking handed me the fucking part, and that’s the problem, isn’t it? They … They expected me to be good, and I’m not, and that’s a problem. Or, maybe you’re right and it’s just because I’m famous, and that’s even worse! I mean, what, Amy, what do you think? Do you think that I’m in this for the fame? Is all I’m fucking good for just putting on a pretty boy smile and nothing else?”

It was true, he liked the fame. But before that, he liked acting. And the fact that Amy was so ready to dismiss that … it hurt, it really did. “I really … fucking … out of everyone, I expected you to understand.” He was angry, but more than that, he was sad and tired. “I … I care about my work. I want to be able to take pride in it. It … It means a lot to me, you know?” He turned away from her. “I thought you knew. I had no idea you thought I was just some … shallow asshole who was going to coast on roles that he was given.” He sighed. “I have to go shower.”

Amy didn’t understand why he was so upset for, hell there were plenty of actors and actresses out there struggling to land a part in a movie or show yet here he was complaining on not getting a certain line right. Maybe she didn’t understand like she once did in high school, she blamed the struggle she had to face on giving up her own dreams to make sure she had a place to live, food to eat and clothes on her back. “Carter that’s--” Staring at him as she tried to get him to listen, but he dismissed her as he walked out of the room. 

She set the phone down and rubbed her face, she felt like shit the way she just dismissed his feelings on his career. Wondering when and how she turned like this, she became the usual PA and boss that Carter deals with on a daily since he entered this world. Not caring about how one person felt about a part and just focusing on publicity and money. Her hazel eyes looked up at the ceiling before following after him. 

He stiffened, letting go of her when she snipped at him about not cancelling anything. “Christ, Amy, you aren’t my mom. Do you have to assume the worst like I’m some sort of –”

He was doing it again. Taking his frustrations out on her, when she was just doing his job. Running a hand over his face, he took a deep breath. “Sorry,” he said, softer this time. “I didn’t mean to snap at you.” He didn’t like being talked to like he was some sort of wayward child always one second away from causing mischief, but he had promised himself he was going to try and talk things through rationally instead of getting angry and picking fights. He made a mental note to bring it up with Amy later, since he had basically ruined any chance for a polite conversation about that right now.

“It’s just … I’ve been really stressed, with this role. I haven’t been doing great with it. I don’t know if it’s the stupid Faith gimmick they’re trying to pull that’s messing with my head, or something else, but …” He sighed, shaking his head. “I just … I know I can do better than this. But something just … isn’t … connecting. My acting has been awful lately. And it’s frustrating me.” He looked at her apologetically. “I didn’t meant to take it out on you, sorry.”

Amy grind her molars as she let him vent out his anger, she knew he was getting overwhelmed with everything and she couldn’t do anything besides her job. Hell even the higher ups were pressuring her into coaxing Carter into picking up more things on his already over flowing plate. She was honestly ready to go head to head with Carter on arguing about the fact she was acting like a damn mother as much as she hated it, it was true and she couldn’t help it. If he wasn’t such an A list actor he wouldn’t have any of this scheduling problem. 

“Honestly Carter, why are you sweating the small stuff? You already have a roll on the movie, you’re the one actor that everyone wants with a pretty little famous girlfriend on your arm. Maybe it’s in your head about your acting, stage fright or something.” Amy waved off the conversation as she walked around him to unplug the coffee maker and moved along the kitchen to keep herself busy. She didn’t understand what he meant about his acting being terrible lately, maybe it was the fact he was dealing with a lot with such little time. 

Carter groaned, rolling over onto his stomach. He didn’t want to get out of bed today. He definitely didn’t want to go back on set. He didn’t know what it was – maybe it was the stress of his fake relationship with Faith, or the impending pressure of having to shmooze with award nominators – but he just wasn’t feeling into the role as of late. And his performance was suffering. He hated it when that happened, because it felt like he was proving detractors right – that he didn’t actually have talent, that he was just a pretty boy like everyone said he was.

It was true, he liked the fame. But that didn’t mean that was the only thing he was in it for the fame. He truly cared about his acting, and hated when he got like this. He trudged downstairs, still in just his boxers, and approached Amy from behind, wrapping his arms around her.

“What’s … like … the absolute latest that I can leave the house?”

Amy was putting the butter on the toast, humming lightly under her breath as she continued to hear her phone buzz with notification and emails. Sometimes she wondered how long she can be someone’s assistant, it paid well but it wasn’t something she was passionate about. She was happy that Carter managed to achieve his dream while she couldn’t, if he was happy then she was too, the little jealousy was still there but she kept it to herself. 

Smiling when she felt him behind her, she took a bite out of her toast and hummed under her breath. “The latest is probably two pm, you are needed on set to go over a few line readings, then we have to rush you to go on a date with Faith, then get your tux fitted for the awards that are coming up.” Amy list of all the things he needed to do, even the bitterness leaving her voice wasn't missed. As much as she knew it was a fake dating, she couldn’t help but be bitter about the whole situation. 

Her mind wondered off to the days in high school, so bright and full of hopes, now here she was no where near her dream job but an assistant for Carter. At least she was still here keeping him in his job and in line instead of going off and developing a bad habit that made several stars fall down from the A list celeb. 

The smell of coffee wrapped around her as she walked around the counter and poured herself a cup of Joe to start the day. “Carter, you need to get up and get ready.” She shouted loud enough to reach his room, hoping he actually got up to shower.