she believed she could, so she did

during an unprecedented time....

I’m angry, resentful, jealous and scared out of my mind.  I’m feeling like a total hypocrite getting online everyday promoting yoga, breathing and trusting that the universe has your back when lately I don’t believe it myself.  My body feels like a bloated belly full of discomfort and pain (literally and figuratively).  I say things like, “just breathe,” when in fact I can’t sit for a 30 second meditation lately without feeling flooded with negativity.  I can’t see the light.  I am completely losing faith in everything.  I also know that I have it far better than others but as I was told by a dear friend of mine, “your feelings don’t have to be minimized just because others may have it harder, you’re human too.”  He told me this almost a year ago when I was feeling bad for disappointing so many when I lost my job.  I thought to myself then, you don’t have the right to complain. Truth is, I have absolutely every right to feel everything I’m feeling right now and so do you.  How to untangle all of this and rise up, well that’s an inside job that requires a lot of fucking perseverance and lately I feel tapped out.

Not one to let the tank get so low that I can’t find a way to recharge, I did what I always do, dived into the yuck or “leaned into the suck.” (Cheryl Sandburg|Option B).  I started first by sitting (literally) and instantly I was flooded with negativity.  I heard the voice in my head saying, I’m sick of it, I don’t want to practice yoga, I don’t want to do yoga in front of a computer screen, I don’t want to create one more post about yoga only to see that someone else has created a better one, I don’t want to be in this body anymore, I’m so sick of my practice feeling tight and waking up with pain, I’m tired of walking around the same four walls of my house constantly being reminded of how flawed it is, I’m sick of it all!  So I quit.  I gave up on the meditation and walked away, straight into the kitchen where I made a second cup of coffee and ate a piece of coffee cake (carbs/wheat/sugar) all the things I know my body can’t handle and won’t respond to well.  I did it without even breathing or enjoying it for that matter and then I beat myself up about it.  Great discipline Amy, you’re killing this wellness game you promote on every social media blurb you share.  #smh

I realized quickly what I already know because trust me this isn’t the first time I’ve been down this road.  There are moments when anger can work, almost like jet fuel propelling you into a machine like human knocking things off your to do list, but just like a jet airplane, fuel runs out.  When we allow our anger to make us blind to consequences it shuts out those other, more crucial skills.  When we hold onto anger, it just weighs us down every day, month, year that we stay with it.  Enter card pulling, something I do when I can’t find it within me to stay the course, see the light or understand my purpose.  I shuffled through the cards sitting with my anger and I kid you not, I pulled “WALK AWAY.”  I pulled the walk away card during the week of a full moon.   This card says:

Leave the unhealthy situation and enjoy the new doors that open.  It’s safe for you to make your desire change. You’ve been wanting to do so but you have hesitated out of fears of what the future holds and what others will think.  This card validates that you’ll be okay.  Ask the universe to smooth the path.  The sooner you make this change, the sooner you will experience the bliss this life has in store for you.  Be assertive and tell your true feelings.  Make a commitment to yourself and vow to keep it.  Start planning now. Call your support group.  Update your resume.  Squirrel your money away.  

So what am I supposed to release?  What is it right now that I’m hanging onto?  I know I’m feeling anger, jealousy, restless and even a little pity but why? My teacher says, “Release Amy, we don’t have to go back to the places we don’t want to.  Stop being the person you are expected to be and live as the person we want to be.  Sit with it, release to expand.  Go deep enough to get clear on what you need to say goodbye to so you can get super excited about what you want to say hello to.  We all deserve a beautiful life.  To feel comfortable in our skin.  To wake up in the morning feeling good in your body.  To be happy, peaceful and calm, this includes you.” 

Beautiful right? But how? How do you release when what you want and desire seems unattainable or even worse is now up against a pandemic?  

Robert Frost says, “In three words I can sum up everything I know about life, IT GOES ON,” and the truth is, he’s right.  The sun rises and the sun sets the attitude you bring into each day will be tested and tried, don’t give up.  I’m a total dreamer, always have been and in many ways my dreams have been fulfilled but in other ways well they’re still just dreams.  I’m not letting them go. 

Maybe I’m just supposed to let go of the thoughts in my head.  Put them here.  Release them instead of holding on to them and walk away. 

I am a small business owner who in the last year has shifted to running this business as my primary source of income. I understand how hard it is to shutdown.  For the past year I’ve been wanting to bring an online component to my business. I threw the idea out to my core group and there were mixed review.  So I pulled back.  The lesson - listen to your heart. 

I’m in the business of “human interaction” where we come together in one space to clear away the yuck of the day. If you haven’t experienced a yoga class with a full room of people it may be hard for you to begin to understand how much I’m missing this and how powerful, healing and just warm and good this can feel.  

Teaching yoga is  not just a job for me, it’s my passion.  For the past 20 years I’ve had the luxury of being able to be a student of this practice while navigating being a working mom, and post-graduate student.  I had one goal - get my masters degree, then doctorate and then change the landscape of education or at least try to plant new seeds.  If you follow me, you know where this ended (May,2019🤦🏼‍♀️).  

What next I thought last summer and then I took a big breath,  shifted my “plan” and followed my ❤️  and said, “I’m going to focus solely on spreading let love of this practice into every pocket of my community.  

For the better part of the last 9 months I’ve watched this community grow.  Is it because I’m there now 💯 percent  of the time? I don’t know, but I do know that every time during the last 9 months when I’ve worried about finances (# 1 fear of small business owners) something happened.  The moment I’d start to tell myself I can’t do this, how will I pay the teachers (and I NEED the teachers),  I’d get a call, or an email inviting me to collaborate with a local business, bring YOGA into a local school or athletic program, or someone would ask me to work with them privately.  All these moments and opportunities came at the perfect time. They came when I was at my weakest, listening to the voice in my head (ego) instead of the source (my heart & soul).

Now here I am today, like so many of you faced with this current situation. A terrifying moment that forced my hand into creating an online business, and a new wave of uncertainty. 

How will I navigate this? I don’t know, but I am taking it one day at a time. I’m believing the reports that stress the need for all of us to do our part, stay home and flatten the curve.  I’m trying to take care of my family, which like many of you has aging parents, in-laws, grandparents, etc but most importantly I’m trying to save my business.  I like all of you want life to return to normal, but UNTIlL then I’m practicing YOGA even more and every hour of every day working to find a way for you to do this too! 

The answer for me during times of stress, anxiety and FEAR has always been to do YOGA.  This doesn’t always include what you see on social media, there is so much more to this practice.  Maybe the silver-lining during this time is that I can work to help more people develop a practice through the comfort & safety of their home.  Maybe, we can continue to build an online community where for 30, 60, or 75 minutes a day we can login and see that we are not ALONE.  

We are all in this together. So, I’m going to stay as active as my body, heart and quick typing little fingers will allow me, and BRING TANA YOGA to YOU online. My plan for this week is listed below.  Please share if you can, message me or drop an email - I have an amazing tech support team here #winkwink #myson 

Right now I’m leading the majority of the classes and I’m going to keep changing up the levels and content to keep it interesting.  Teresa is doing her part to give us helpful (15-20) videos focused on very specific areas of the body (she’s awesome and FUNNY).  Nora dropped us a great video for REDUCING stress and fear and I’m working with the others to find their comfort level to add more and more content. 

When I’m not developing content or cooking - I’m laying out my mat and taking classes with SOME fantastic teachers who like me are swimming through these new waters to keep their livelihoods.  I’m going to tag them here if you want to check them out! Every little bit we can do to support each other HELPS! 

To our members and package holders - thank you hardly seem like enough.  We are hoping you can keep up your members during this time and I will do my best to not interrupt services.

Please visit www.tanayogastudio.com for a menu of our ONLINE classes, playlist because music heals, and archived videos to view way your convenience. 

Not a member of TANA - no worries. We are currently offering a $20 2 week unlimited package and a DONATE option .

Want to take class TODAY Sunday March 22? I’m leading a slow, restorative, come together to heal class at 4:30pm - ALL LEVELS!!  Maybe you’re family will join in - I’d ❤️ that. 

Next weeks schedule of online classes looks like this! 

Monday & Wednesday 6pm - All LEVEL 

Tuesday & Thursday 6pm - All LEVEL + CORE 

Tuesday & Thursday 3:30pm - KIDS YOGA 

Monday & Friday 8am FACEBOOK LIVE CHAIR YOGA  

Friday 9am - ALL LEVEL with Teresa Colmone

Saturday 9am - ALL LEVEL 

Sunday 4:30pm - CHILL 

Some great teachers I’m following & practicing with - check them out! (CLICK NAME TO VISIT THEIR PAGES)

Bridgett Cawley Piacenti

Sprinkles of Katy

Sara Strother

Amber Cook

Bradshaw Wish

Claire Mark

Amy Owen

Alie McManus

Maria Rosner

So many more, I’ll keep trying to tag as the week goes on! 

Peace ✌🏻 

Love ❤️ 

Health & Ease 

Virtual HUGS xo 

Amy 

PS I’m super excited to take an art class with Hugo Heredia - find the silver lining while you #stayhome

Photo Credit - Phil and Andrea McConville xo 

Leaping into 50, catch me if you can. 

“A wise girl knows her limits, a smart girl knows she has none.” Let it all go and see what happens.  Create from a place of abundance and believe in yourself.  

Sadly, these were not words I told myself until late into my 40s.  Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying it was too late, it’s never too late, but I could have saved myself a lot of self sabotage and limiting beliefs in my abilities had I just let go.  We say “let go” a lot in yoga classes and for many years I resisted this notion that “letting go” could in some create space for something better or new, or even something the universe was trying to send me.  Truth is, I wanted to control every aspect of my life.  I wanted to be the one “shaping” my future, instead of TRUSTING, that it could be “shaped” for me. 

“Remember, you must make space for miracles to appear.  Be the “shaped,” not the “shaper,” and you’ll see how quickly your dreams manifest.” (Author Unknown)

I am sitting on my couch, a touch sun kissed and a tiny bit tired from a trip I was trying to convince myself I didn’t deserve.  Sound familiar ladies?  You know that story we tell ourselves, the one that goes something like this, “we don’t deserve love, attention, self-care, and so on and so on.”   All I can say is, I was so wrong, so very, very wrong.  We’re all wrong as a matter of fact when we start to let the voice inside our heads tells us we deserve anything less.  So, stop telling yourself those stories.  Write a different narrative.  Change the script and never allow waiting to become a habit because girls you will be waiting a long time.  From the onset of the conversations surrounding a celebration of my 50th birthday, I did everything I could to “shape” the trip instead of letting be “shaped,” for me.  MISTAKE.  

Like every other time in my life, I wanted to be in control.  I knew it was time to let go of the unceasing need to write and recite the outcome, but I fought hard to do otherwise.  I’m grateful in this moment for two wise children (now young adults) who sat with me and listened while I talked through my insecurities and fears, but who also set me straight.  We create our lives. We create the stories in our heads and if we do that, imagine for a moment what we can do if we FLIP THE SCRIPT and TELL OURSELVES AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT STORY.  So, I started a new narrative one week before turning 50.  It goes something like this. 

“This is the time to allow others to show you the way forward.  Let others come to you.  Collaborate and offer your ideas, rather than dictating what must happen.  You can’t always lead, always give, always teach.  You must be the student, the open vessel; and the one who receives the gift, gesture, or offer in measure.  Open up and let love, life, abundance, and Spirit fill you, without demand or expectation, Just receive the bounty that is yours.” 

What a beautiful narrative for what I hope to be the best second half of my life. 

When you turn 50 or any age for that matter it’s natural to reflect on your life - do that but don’t focus on what you think is missing.  Stop envisioning a life you think you should have and soak in the one you do.  If it looks hard tell yourself, “damn this is hard, because it is!  It’s not meant to be easy.  If it looks like you’re missing out, stop comparing yourself to others, you’re NOT THEM.  If it feels like one challenge after the next (kids, work, running a household, nurturing a relationship, building a career, and so on) think about the older women in your life (your mom, grandma, aunts, mentors, women you admire) and know with confidence THEY WERE THERE right where you are and guess what, THEY SURVIVED and you will too.  What will kill your dreams and self-confidence, is thinking you deserve something else, or worse yet listening to the voice in your head, the EGO more specifically that is often fed by fear, insecurities, and comparison.  

I believe we have to know when to press the STOP button and sit in the now.  I’ve also believe we need to stop writing a future that is unknown.  It doesn’t mean we must limit dreams or aspirations, but stop trying to shape them down to the tiniest detail.   

Be the “shaped,” not the “shaper,”

I’ve waited a long time to give myself permission to believe that I am worthy of what EVERY single woman on this planet is worthy of - respect, love and abundance, equality, happiness, sexuality, and the list goes on, the mistake I’ve made is thinking it would mirror what I see in others lives (e.g., social media), rather than knowing it’s going to mirror the life I create, the love I give to myself and the care and kindness I pour into the pages of my own story.  It won’t always be pretty and Instagram “ready” but hey, there’s a filter for that.  It will be messy and beautiful and I’d have it no other way.  Every single word, sentence, paragraph, page in this story called my life has led me to where I am right now, a full-time yoga teacher, small business owner, mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, and friend.  If this past weekend is any indication of what the next chapter is going to look like for me - BRING IT.  New year.  New Beginnings. New Direction. 

“My soul was calling.  I was just facing the wrong way.” (Light is the New Black, Rebecca Campbell.” 

Brene Brown writes in her book, Braving the Wildness “the lonely feeling is that moment when you don’t feel alive with connection.”  Research goes further to talk about it as “the level of how society and our role or position (or lack of) a role/position can bring about or cause a sense of not knowing what group you belong to,” and therefore bring into light the lonely feeling.  Just like hunger is a warning that our blood sugar is low and we need to eat and thirst warns us that we need to drink, loneliness tells us that we need connection, something as critical to our well being as food and water.  Cacioppo explains, “Denying you feel lonely makes no more sense than denying you feel hunger.”  Yet we often deny our loneliness. 

I have a memory of being somewhere between the age of 11-13 where I am laying in the snow in the front yard of our house on Erie Street.  I know my dad was still alive but I’m guessing very sick or going through a round of sickness that left my siblings and I heading in different directions.  My brother and I would typically stay together, with my two younger sisters going somewhere else.  It made sense given our age and where we were in our schooling, but as I think about it now - it was so traumatic.  I image we were all just yearning for normal, togetherness and despite everyone’s efforts to help we were having anything but a normal experience.  

So, there I am in the snow and it was DEEP (I need to research significant snow falls during this period of time).  Nonetheless, I vividly remember laying in the snow, I can feel it coming up around me and despite how cold it was, it felt incredibly comforting.  I also remember feeling loneliness for the first time that I could identify with.  I put a label on it that day.  It was the beginning of what I would define today as mild depression, but I had no idea then and I certainly had no clue of how to deal with it other than to isolate myself or retreat to my room.  I carried depression with me for a long time, even to this day.  What’s different now though is I don’t wrestle with it.  I don’t resist when I feel it coming.  I don’t run and do foolish things.  I instead surrender to it.  

In the yoga practice many teachers including myself talk about “surrendering.” I once associated this (and sometimes still do) with that feeling of euphoria, warm, soothing, ocean vibes where the sun is shinning and my body is completely removed from pain, suffering and worry.  When “the lonely feeling” comes surrender is something entirely different.  It’s a dark place.  There is no warm fuzzy feeling, it’s scary.  It’s painful, exhausting and filled with incredibly low emotions.  Who wants to go there, right?  Why would I when “the lonely feelings” come up, surrender to all of that?  It’s simple really - what we resist persists and if I can have the courage, and vulnerability to know that this too shall pass, to work through it, then maybe, just maybe “the lonely feeling” will show up less frequently.  I can tell you from experience I am noticing far less “lonely days.”  I attribute this to sitting in the seat of discomfort, uneasiness, and the unknown.  I’ve written about this in an earlier blog.  I don't let the thoughts of others and the stories I tell myself become part of the fabric of my life anymore.  I don’t ignore them but I most certainly no longer pitch a tent and stay for awhile with them.  

When I am experiencing “the lonely feeling” I tend to go into a little hibernation mode.  I take my yoga practice home instead of heading to group classes.  I’m not running from you or your help or your love - I’m going deep into the cave of my heart to rest, reconnect, heal, learn and come out better than when I went in. 

I want to be clear about a couple things.  

1.  I was never diagnosed with depression or anxiety (clinically) 

2.  I was given anti-depressants after the birth of my son

3.  I no longer use prescription medication to help with my depression and anxiety but wholeheartedly believe it can help and should NEVER not be considered under the advice, guidance and direction of professionals

4. Finally, I am so grateful we’ve grown away as a society from thinking this is a negative stigma that shouldn’t be talked about.  

Why this post and why now?  Well, I recently had to surrender.  “The Lonely Feeling,” came back recently and I could no longer avoid it.  She is a force to be reckoned with.  I tried fighting her but I knew all too well how this would turn out - so, I surrendered.  When I felt tired, I slept regardless of the time of day.  When I felt lazy, I moved through a gentle yoga sequence in my home practice.  When I felt hungry, I ate.  When I felt sad, I cried.  When I feared I would self-medicate, I went for a walk, read a book, BAKED, listened to music.  When I wanted to be angry, I took it out on my journal, and not the people I loved (at least I tried, there are a couple of you who might disagree, I’m sorry).  Either way I didn’t put a time limit on it, I just surrendered.  I went there and I told myself I will stay  as long as needed. 

When I’m in “the lonely feeling” I don’t want to surround myself with a bunch of people, I want connection but not with others.  I want less on my calendar and more time wrapped in a blanket, getting a massage, sitting on my infrared mat and laying on my yoga.  Now this can be challenging when you have commitments.  During this time I’m not afraid to ask for help.  See if someone will sub out my class and maybe cancel on you (you know who you are).  Making these choices (for me) are the steps I take to climb back out of “the lonely feeling.”  Every year it gets easier and each time a little less painful. I don’t know what to attribute this to other than my own knowledge.  I know that when I used to resist “the lonely feeling” I would make awful decisions.

*spend money (I didn’t have)

*self medicate

*get in fights with people I loved

*over consume 

*beat myself up

*shut down

*numb myself and become incredibly defensive

These things accomplished one thing and one thing only - temporary relief married with a deep level of guilt.  Worse yet, it just buried what I was avoiding, which allowed it to come back bigger and more ferocious the next time.  I know the exact moment I said no more to this way of “coping.”  And yes, it was during a yoga class. 

You see for me yoga heals everything.  It’s my teacher, my medication, my chance at beginning again.  It’s radical, powerful and transformational (if you want it to be).  I know the moment I shifted into owning my own identity but I also remember clearly that this was also when “the lonely feelings” peaked.  I’ve learned over many years that my greatest gift is who I am.  The more I fought this reality the more I suffered.  The more I tried to be someone else, it didn’t work.  In part I think this is because the moment we decide to take control of our lives, others feel we’re either abandoning them or worse yet not the person they wanted us to be, or thought we should be.  When this would I became more defensive, more numbing. I started to check-out, not check-in.  It is also when I leaned into anti-depressants and self-medicating behavior.  Thankfully, YOGA also started to intensify in my life.  Thankfully I began to see that beyond the beautiful and strength building poses was a lifestyle that erased “the lonely feeling.”  I was hooked. 

YOGA isn’t for everyone but it’s definitely worth trying.  Give it a month with full permission to hate it at first.  Make it your non-negotiable and see what happens.  Challenge yourself each day to sit in stillness, breathe and become silent so you can hear. 

At 49 I can finally say, I know where I belong and after years of searching that feels good.  

“if you could read my mind love, what a tale my thoughts would tell.”

In 1988 my high school counselor called me into his office. I assumed it was to do what all high school counselors do - guide me, help me plan for the future.  As I walked into his office I was excited to explore the future, where I would go next and the endless possibilities that were ahead for me.  Most of my friends were applying to college and I was excited to do the same.  Let me stop for a moment and provide a little background. 

In 1984 when I entered high school. I was ready for a fresh start.  The previous fall my dad died and I thought with high school would come new adventures, new beginnings - a distraction from the obvious.  Well, let’s just say there were distractions but not exactly the ones I had in mind.  I wasn’t the best student and my excitement for high school quickly faded.  I quickly realized high school wasn’t going to be what I envisioned.  I experienced a lot but not what I hoped.  I also never excelled at really anything except maybe music but even that was layered with disappointments.  It wasn’t great but it wasn’t horrible. Back to the counselors office. 

When I sat down he asked me what I wanted to do after high school.  Normal question, right?  I immediately started talking about music, performance in particular.  He said, “yes that does seem like something you’re good at but where would you go?”  I started naming a couple colleges that I wanted to apply to.  He sat back in his chair and said with a questioning face, “do you think you’re college material?”  I am confident I had a quizzical look on my face, wasn’t everyone thinking they were “college material?” Isn’t this what you do after high school? PAUSE:  my feelings on this have shifted 100% - college isn’t for everyone and that’s okay HOWEVER, in 1988 when all my friends were moving in that direction, I naturally thought, so will I.  He then said, “Amy, it’s a good thing you’re family owns a restaurant.”  

Imagine if you will the look on my face and the gut wrenching punch to the belly I felt.  I had suffered enough I thought to myself, high school kind of sucked, my mom was trying to raise four kids on very little (nothing really), my brother and I were attending a school that was surely not in her budget, but didn’t I deserve more respect than that?  Didn’t I deserve to be told I could be anything I put my mind to, with hard work?  Don’t get me wrong my counselor could have addressed my less than stellar performance as a student over the course of my four years, this would have been appropriate.  But I wasn’t failing and I certainly wasn’t incapable.  What I needed was “GUIDANCE,” a glimmer of hope, someone in my corner.  

Why am I talking about this now?  Well, because 32 years later I am so grateful my family has a restaurant.  Not because I was destined to be working there forever but because during this time of transition that “restaurant” has given a place to feel valued, needed and worthy.  My family has not given up on me, in fact they’re rallying behind me - have been since May.  Who am I kidding, they have since FOREVER.  

VIDEO BELOW :) 

IDENTITY

It’s not about where we are working, or the work we are doing - it’s about having a place and space to land.  An opportunity to get back on your feet with love, kindness, support and security.  I won’t lie to you there are days I say to myself #wtf and ask all the questions....

Is this where I where I am supposed to be?  

Why did I go to college?  

Why did I work hard to earn multiple degrees if only to be where I am right now?  

The answers very simple - where you are is exactly where you’re supposed to be.  It’s not permanent, and sure it doesn’t look like the plan I had laid out for myself but maybe my plan wasn’t the plan #theuniversehasyourback  #trust #believe #breathe #yedd

Does this somehow make me less of the person I thought I was supposed to be?  Or does this in fact show exactly who I am?  

Resilient

Strong

Confident

Brave

Imperfect

It takes tremendous courage to persevere after being fired. I bow to everyone who has experienced this in their lifetime!  It takes incredible self-control to not fall apart.  (secret somedays I do) It take patience to be in the space between.  It take strength to live in the uneasiness.  It takes trusting the unknown. 

Can you do that? 

When I was writing my dissertation I spent a year following six (6) high school students who had been “labeled” with a learning a disability.  I wanted to know if their daily experiences, interactions with people, society somehow impacted how they formed their identity,  The answer may seem obvious but what I learned was how resilient these six students were.  How determined they were to let their circumstances define their ability or much less their future.  I realize I do not fall into this category according to the terms I defined in my dissertation but I do fall into the category right now of someone who was fired.  Someone who after years of working to get to a certain position is no longer there and not by her own choice.  Someone who might now be defined as a failure.  

I don’t have  answers to many of my questions lately.  When I’m confronted by someone and they ask, what do you do?  I don’t know what to say because I don’t know what I’m doing right now.  Sometimes it makes me feel incredibly worthless but what if they asked me instead, “What have you done?”  I could answer that.  I know that what I’ve done up to this point matters.  

Thank you high school counselor for teaching me a valuable lesson in 1988 but here’s the thing, I already knew it was a GREAT thing that my family owned a restaurant.  It’s my home, identity, where I developed my work ethic and respect for my family members who have made this their careers.  

#whereyouareiswhereyoursupposedtobe 

“give yourself permission to be where you are and to still be loved for it” (I Am Her Tribe/Danielle Doby)

Let’s cross over.

It’s hard to believe that 2019 is coming to an end.  In many ways I think I’ve been wishing for it, but in other ways I’m not.  I’m a little bit of a “clinger” so ending anything never sits well with me.  Especially the ones where I have to say goodby to people I love and places that bring me happiness.  When goodbyes are inevitable I brace myself, take a deep breath and welcome the unknown. What will life be like going forward?  What does the next decade have in store for me?  

This year I will say goodbye to my 40′s an hello to my 50′s.  I will walk into 2020 without a career that landed me a steady paycheck but a yoga studio that continues to fill my heart more than any amount of money ever could. I’m letting go of the bitterness I feel in my heart towards the church that didn’t believe I was enough, while holding on to the beautiful memories and lessons I learned from four years as a principal.  For the first time in as long as I can remember I do not have an elaborate plan, a blueprint for success, but instead a feeling of contentment and excitement for the simple everyday moments. I’m ready to cross over.  ATTRAVERSIAMO

ATTRAVERSIAMO means to cross over, go through, pass - do that in 2020.  I loved how this word felt the moment I heard it.  As I said it more, I enjoyed how it sounded rolling off my tongue.  It became my word early in 2010, when I turned 40 and I’m keeping it as my word as I leave this decade and enter my 50′s.  Why? Because we must continue to cross over, pass on, go through things in order to keep fluid in not only our minds but our bodies.  Nothing is static in nature, or the universe, not even God.  He moves toward the truth too.  Move toward yours.  “Let yourself be seen, wholly, unafraid and utterly terrified at the same time.”  Things change and sometimes so must we.  I know with certainty and experience how difficult this can be, but change is inevitable and what we resist will persist.  It will persist in our bodies causing pain and it will persist in our minds causing anger.  It’s not a way to live.  So, go with the natural flow of things.  Allow yourself to cross over and go toward something new. In 2020 sit in the cave of your heart more, believe in you.

I was recently gifted a book on world religions.  Over the past few days I’ve sat with this beautiful book learning just how connected faith is.  How universal each belief system is despite demographics and ideology.  I think I’ve always know this but was being told it wasn’t true.  

I know that I need something to believe in.  I need a higher power to fill the voids and clear away the yuck.  In 2020 I intend to continue my own spiritual journey and it’s my sincere hope you can too.  I do not have all the answers, the path is not always clear and that’s okay.  My mantra for 2020 and always, “hold the vision, trust the process.”

If you’re like me during this time of the year between Christmas and New Year you find yourself in deep reflection examining the events that moved us and stopped us dead in our tracks.  It’s typically during this time that I go back and comb through my many journal entries and notes from the year.  I’m always amazed at how much I took down, where each day was spent and the wave of emotions that I experienced.  I’m also reminded when I do this of how easy it is to forget just how FULL our lives are each day.  This is why I write it down and keep it tucked away.  As I moved through the many entries I made these were some of the ones that stuck out.  Maybe they’ll connect with you as well. 

“We all want to believe in a little bit of magic, don’t we?”

“If you want to change the world, find someone to help you paddle.” 

“What’s blocking the light?  Could it be the walls of your own making?”

“Do not let what you cannot do, interfere with what you can.” 

“Life happens for us, not to us.” 

“You don’t have to go there.”

“How you move is how you hold onto or release your energy.”

“Our bodies are structures that hold our spirit together.” 

“May I be happy, may I be peaceful, may I be at ease.” 

“En La Kesh.”

“The power of yoga can transcend the minor aches of the body.”

“The highest form of respect is self-acceptance.”

“I’m not teaching you something you don’t already know somewhere deep within your body.” 

“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” 

“The body needs maintenance.”

“You are in an important stage of your journey and you know what you need to do.  Distractions and temptations will appear only as a test.  Remain focused and disciplined.  Greatness is on the horizon.”

“The journey from the head to the heart is the longest and hardest you will ever take.”

“Look past your limited perceptions, look beyond the stories the ego tells, get to your truth.”

“I do not believe in anything that says I must be perfect to be loved.” 

“I feared God would punish me from an early age, I’ve never made peace with that.”

“Every person is a teacher and every experience a teaching.” 

“Each step forward or back adds to our evolving story - depth. It’s just part of the journey back home.”

“Distance brings a fresh perspective.”

“Life does not give you the people you want.  It gives you the people you need.”

“Stop comparing your timeline to someone else’s highlight real.” 

“Changing the shape of our body automatically begins to change the shape of our mind.”

“Stead.  Unassuming. Patient.”

“Let the falling leaves of the trees remind you how easy it can be to let go of dead weight. Choose to live with less and allow yourself to live more.” 

“You never know when you might face things that make your heart hurt.” 

“Transformation comes not by adding things on but by removing what didn’t belong in the first place.”

“Your not going to be successful if you’re angry all the time.”

“A strong woman loves, forgives, walks away, lets go, tries again, and perseveres no matter what life throws at her.”

“Welcome the unwelcome.” 

“I don't have to react to everything that bothers me.” 

“Let yourself be seen, wholly, unafraid and utterly terrified at the same time.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

From a very early age I can remember telling myself stories about what I believed to be truths.  Little did I know that many of these stories, which I carried with me on my back like a bag of bricks, were so wrong.  I don’t know if it is the knowledge that in a couple months I will turn 50, the devastating loss of my job (humbling to say the least), or maturity that is awakening me but I know this for certain, the voice in my head is getting quieter.  

In the yoga practice there is a saying, “The more you resist, the more it will persist, or the yoga pose that you resist the most, is the one desperately trying to make its way in.”  I’ve learned over time that I have missed out on new opportunities, friendships, love, social engagements, holidays, a warm day in the sun, because I was resisting.  Instead of going with the flow, I would tell myself a hundred stories.  The stories I told myself led me to a never-ending, self-deprecating, pity party.  Truth is, I built up walls with the stories I told myself.  I created barriers.  I resisted.  Thank god for the beautiful people who said, “I’ll wait.” 

It wasn’t until a couple years ago that I witnessed the incredible persistence of someone who said, I’ll wait, but while I wait, I’m going to persist and persist he did.  He was annoying and charming all at the same time. Ultimately he became one of my greatest teachers and the most unlikely of people I would finally surrender to - Father Jacob Rose.  

I was fighting a battle with Catholicism, the outdated Catholic church (in my opinion), priests, faith, a belief in God, you name it.  I was losing hope in our community and suffering terribly inside. I was at conflict with how to lead an organization that I felt completely out of touch with.  That was until I met Jacob Rose.  

Father Rose was not only my direct supervisor, he was my dear friend.  He was one of the most significant players in my growth out of resistance and into acceptance.  He taught me a number of valuable lessons, the most significant I was deserving of good things.  I was deserving of my role/position despite my concerns, that my questioning was a sign of intelligence, not ignorance and most importantly that I was worthy of his friendship and the love of others.  He taught me to trust people and to let go of control.  “Jesus Take the Wheel” immediately pops up in my head and not because I like this song, but because we would joke about country lyrics.  He made me laugh and reassured me that it was okay to be happy, maybe even content. (Contentment is so hard or me)   He opened my eyes and my heart in a way that I didn’t fully get to thank him for.  

You see one of the stories I told myself for a very long time was that if I got close to people, I would lose them, just like I lost my dad.  So I taught myself how to make space between my heart and relationships.  This is a terrible way to live.  I know that now.  So, needless to say, I was bitter, angry, confused and questioning everything when Father Rose was taken from my life, my work family, and most importantly (I believe) a growing and reenergized church community.  When this happened I sat in a dark place asking myself again, are the stories I tell myself true? Does God just want to punish me? And so I began again my discontentment with the church, priest, faith.... all of it.  This too is a terrible way to live.  

The only way out is through, and I've gone through it.  I’m leaving this space of resistance and welcoming closure.  

Every month I set an intention, this month it is to welcome closure and to say goodbye to what once was.  This very powerful and hard mantra came from another significant person in my life, JP.  He has always had the courage to have the difficult conversation with me.  I resisted them, trust me, but time, age, life, loss, it will soften you and make you realize that those who love you most sometimes have to hurt you.  Not in a physical, harmful way, but with the truth.  I respect the people in my life who have loved me enough to be brutally honest, my sisters, my mom, my children and my closest friends.  How do I know it’s time?  It doesn’t hurt (as much) when I think of saying goodbye.  It feels altogether different than it did six months ago.  

A few days ago I ran into a lovely woman connected with my former job.  She hugged me immediately, said I was missed.  I started to cry.  She then looked at my closely and  said, “Let go Amy, know that during your short tenure you made a difference.”  “You’re meant for so much more.”  I cried again but this time something clicked.  I was ready to close this wound.  

I know I’ve resisted closure in the past, don’t we all?  Closure seems so final and no one wants that type of finality.  But I would be resisting what the many years of my yoga practice has been teaching me if I held on.  I would be denying SUKHA (the receptive, spacious relaxed place of surrender), I would continue to fight and resist, like swimming against the current instead of flipping around and going with the natural flow.  I know the days that I have this flow, this relaxed place of surrender in both my practice and daily activities, it feels like peace, and dare I say - contentment!  This, is a good way to live, and I intend to do it more.

In the vinyasa yoga practice surrender is what it is all about and yet many times on the mat I would resist.  Why? Because giving up control has little appeal in a culture of high achievers.  I also know and have experienced in my practice and for a short time when I was leading alongside Fr. Rose, that through surrender there is possibility of a whole new kind of power beyond any that you can muster up yourself.  I want to feel that again.  

What you resists, persists.  Let go of the stories you tell yourself.  Surrender and be healed - SUKHA. 

xo

love and hugs - always 

xo 

It’s a new month and I always set a new intention.  Yesterday, however,  it was simply too hard to do.  I was restless, sad and heartbroken.  Every thought I had sounded depressing and I knew I didn’t want to attach myself to that.  I also knew at this moment I was letting my emotions dictate my intention.  In some circumstances this is okay,  but in others it’s counter productive.  After a night of rest, it came to me -  my intention for the month of December - There Are No Accident (TANA).

If I’m right I explained where TANA originated in one of my earlier posts but I’m going to share again for clarification and content around this post.  

I was practicing yoga at a studio in Chicago that I’ve grown to call my second home.  I was a struggling doctoral student who recently received feedback from her committee and it wasn’t great.  After hours of work my submission was reduced to 2 pages of usable content.  What did this mean?  It means a weeks worth of writing and nearly twenty hours of my time was gone.  I would need to start again.  

TANA

As I do in most situations where I’m feeling lost I went to my yoga mat.  The class was just what I needed to get out of the weeds and into the cave of my heart.  In pigeon pose I was a puddle of tears.  At the end of class the teacher left me a note, TANA.  I later learned what TANA meant and why she left me the note and today TANA is not only a reminder to me that there are no accidents but it also serves as space where people can come together, slow down, peel away the layers instead of adding more.  

Many have approached me the meaning of TANA  “there are no accidents” and ask how I can say that even with the most difficult and challenging things life puts in front of us.  There was a time I would have asked the same thing. Not anymore.  My practice has taught me that attachment is the root of suffering and the more I attach myself to things, thoughts, sadness, fear, the more suffering I will experience. 

Whatever we cherish, we shall lose, and there’s simply nothing we can do about it. This may sound profoundly depressing at first, but it’s not.  It’s simply the truth.  It’s what we all know already but don’t always want to examine. 

My kind, gentle, loving, godfather died this weekend.  In my heart I was relieved, he was no longer in pain but in my selfishness I didn’t want him to be gone.  I needed more hugs from him and I knew with certainty his beautiful wife, family and friends needed them too.  

TANA

For me his death will serve as a reminder to hug and kiss the people I love more, without hesitation or the thinking that there will be another day.  His death isn’t an accident but another reminder to me that our time here is not known.  Everyday is a gift, he lived like that.  I also think it’s not an accident that it happened so close to Christmas, December 1st.  I know many of us are putting on our Christmas rush mentality, our buy more, do more, go to more parties, rush, rush, rush attitude and in doing that we’re not stopping to hug and kiss the ones we love, like he would.  Even if he was elbows deep in a bowl of his favorite pasta and fried chicken, he’d get up from his seat and walk over to you.  

If his death is to serve a purpose, I’d like it to be this - don’t add more to your holiday plate, let go of your anger with your friends and relatives, write someone a note this holiday instead of wrapping a gift, sit in your home instead of running out to do “just one more thing”, take a nap instead joining in on the midnight rush to shop more, tell people you love them, ask for forgiveness if you’ve wronged them and give your TIME instead of a perfectly wrapped gift.  I know this is what he would’ve done. 

This morning when the sting of his loss set in and the other disappointing events of the weekend had time to settle in my heart, I smiled.  Why?  Because I pictured the awesome welcoming he received in heaven yesterday.  What a hug and kiss that must have been.  Save one for me. 

TANA

Is this a good thing or a bad thing?  I'm sure most are always excited to see the holidays' approach, but this hasn't always been the case for me.

I remember the excitement of Christmas morning and the days leading up to it like I’m certain most everyone does.  That feeling that left you incapable of sleeping on Christmas Eve and busting at the seams when you’d run down the stairs on Christmas morning.  I also remember the moment it all went away, and I vacillate between the two every year.  I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

I’ve ruined many Christmas morning and the days leading up to Christmas for my family, and most regrettably my own children.  My depression, anxiety and ultimate disappointment would hover over my home like a dark cloud.  I would try to hide it by throwing up loads of decorations, baking, playing Christmas music and telling myself over and over again this would be the year I would be happy.  But more times than not, the dark cloud would come back and ruin the day.  I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

My parents went ALL OUT for Christmas.  The packages would be placed into separate piles with tags for each of us - Amy, Michael, Gina and Maria.  Each pile would be equal and trust me, we counted.  One year in particular I remember the living room floor covered with gifts.  This was the year my dad didn’t get off the couch. He couldn’t, he was too sick, but he did make sure we would never forget that Christmas and I certainly haven’t.  I also haven’t forgotten, however, that it was the last one with him.  This has left a huge hole in my heart every holiday.  I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

I don’t know how you heal from things like this, but I do know that I don’t want to keep reliving this every year. Maybe that’s the way healing starts.  Knowing that you don’t want something to continue to weigh on you or take away your happiness.

Lately I’ve been struggling with self-confidence, body image and anxiety.  Just typing out the words scares me.  The truth: everyday is an effort to clear away the yuck of the day and the voices in my head telling me, “you’re not enough.”  I also know that much of this is linked to the fact that the holidays are right around the corner.  I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

For years I’ve wanted to escape the holidays by leaving. In my head I’ve created the perfect holiday and it looked like this:  hop on a plane and go anywhere but here.  This never went over well and so the internal struggle would begin.  How to be happy during the holidays? Decorate, bake, spend money, buy a lot of gifts, decorate, bake, spend money, buy a lot of gifts.  See the pattern?  I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

About five years ago I said to myself, "no more, Amy, let’s get a new plan for the holidays." I also started to practice meditation on a regular basis and my yoga practice had moved way past the asana (this will make sense to those who practice).  I had started to do the real work of yoga.  I sat longer, alone with myself and all of the baggage of my past.  A plane ride wasn’t going to heal the wounds.  Would it take it away the pain for a week - sure.  But I had to come back home.  So instead of buying plane tickets, I put in the work.  I went deep into the cave of my heart and started to heal.  TRUTH:  I’m still doing the work.  I still feel a tingling of anxiety knowing the holidays are approaching but I will not undo the progress I’ve made.  How do I do this - practice more.  Sit in the cave of my heart, and work more.  

“Ultimately, it’s a journey to the core of your own being.  In the work of yoga, the outer point of the body is the doorway to access that which you are seeking within you. The work is to keep peeling away the layers of the onion to get to the heart of you.”  For years I was adding layers to the onion - more false solutions, more decorations, more gifts, more stress, more anxiety instead of peeling away the layers.  I was covering up my pain adding more “stuff” instead of doing the work that needed to be done.  “You don’t have to add anything to your being; rather, you want to subtract and slough away some things.  The work in that way is quite simple.”  The question: “What steps do we need to take to do that work?" Which layers need to be peeled away? What needs to go? (Perfectly Imperfect, by Baron Baptiste)

I’ve been doing the work now for awhile, and this is why I practice.  To not only lift the heavy cloud that has lingered over me and permeated my family's lives but also to discover that peace and happiness doesn’t always mean having more.  Will I decorate and bake this year - you bet!  The good news, there won’t be heavy cloud covering up the twinkling lights.

As you start to walk in the way, the way appears.  Welcome the unwelcome and it will transform you.

It’s been five months since things started to fall apart.  After close to twelve years of school for a Masters and Doctoral degree I believed my feet were planted in my forever career.  The career that would lead me into retirement, financial security and home.  The universe had different plans for me.  

Maybe I wasn’t meant to be in education.  Maybe my ideas and philosophy toward education do not fit the traditional landscape of schools.  Maybe my belief that I could build community through kindness, compassion, equality, and a knowledge that together we could accomplish anything we set our minds to, was lofty and unrealistic.  I don’t know.  All I know is that for this particular organization I wasn’t enough.  Or maybe I was too much? What I do know however, is if I continued to walk down that line of questioning I would  definitely start believing I wasn’t good enough.  I would die inside from this failure instead of welcoming the unwelcome and letting it transform me. 

“To be fully alive is to be completely thrown out of the nest.”  I was thrown out for sure and none of us want to except this reality and most will certainly fight hard to avoid it.  When tragedy or difficulty strike so many of us we want to run as far away as we possibly can from it.  It’s simply too painful to sit in the yuck of life.  No-one wants that.  But does avoidance make it go away?  No, it just tucks it underneath our skin, doing more harm the longer times goes on.  It begins manifests in different ways.  For some it can be masking the pain with addiction, food, and unhealthy habits.  For others it can show up in lack of sleep, body aches, and unhealthy relationships. 

TRUTH:  “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” If we run a hundred miles an hour to the other end of the continent in order to get away from the obstacle, we find the very same problem waiting for us when we arrive. It just keeps returning with new names, forms, manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us about where we are separating ourselves from reality, how we are pulling back instead of opening up, closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter, without hesitating or retreating into ourselves.

I’ve buried a lot of pain, trauma, and disappointment over my forty-nine years of living.  If there was a prescription medication I could get my hands on to make pain go away, I’d take it.  If there were days I could lay in bed and not face the world, I did it.  But the truth is none of those coping mechanism healed me.  They only delayed the inevitable. This is why on May 31, 2019 I said to myself,  I will not bury myself in a protective cocoon and hope that the humiliation, embarrassment, disappointment, shame, and utterly devastating news that I had lost my job would come to be the moment I gave in.  I made a verbal commitment to myself the next morning to welcome the unwelcome (even this).  I had invested too much time, sweat and tears to let the decision of one take me off the path.  This, yes even this shitty job loss is part of the plan.  

YOGA has been the key ingredient that has provided me with this wisdom. I started yoga when I was 30 years old.  It was a purely physical practice for me.  I stuck with it thinking I was getting stronger physically, little did I know then what the practice was preparing me for.  

“body is the bow, asana is the arrow, the target is the soul” (BKS Iyengar)

When my kids left for school I set a goal to write them a letter at least once a month.  I would do this through a card that I had purchased adding my own note inside or just on a plain piece of paper that I would stick in an envelope and send off to them.  Not a text, not an email, no emoji’s but instead a hand written letter from me to each of them.  I would “say it in a letter” that they could keep for a lifetime.  

When my dad died I didn’t understand then, how important it would be to have something of his that was written just to me.  I will not make the same mistake with my own children.  This, and a story Jim told me forever changed the value I placed on taking the time to write letters to my children, friends, family and even acquaintances.

Emma was leaving for college and as her parents we were wrestling with the million emotions that come with sending your child off to school.  We were reminiscing about when we were in college and how it felt to be away from home for the first time.  Keep in mind there wasn’t email and you called people from the phone that had a long spiral cord attached to it and usually hung from the wall.  To keep in touch you wrote letters and waited patiently for those precious moments you knew someone would be near a phone to answer it.  This is how I remember being away from home for the first time - letters, stamps, cards, and phone calls.  I was in Davenport, IA and Jim was in Champaign, IL.  As the youngest of six children Jim’s parents had gone through the “sending your kid off to school” thing, so naturally I assumed they had this down to a science.  What I didn’t know was this science included writing letters.

As a young 18 year old I was definitely intimidated by LJ Perona.  I didn’t necessarily see him as someone who would write you a letter.  Only much later in my life did I see this characteristic in him.  Family was at the center of everything he did and he let you know this by organizing endless family reunions and staying at the dinner table long after the meal was finished to hear about your day.  I learned on one of the nights we were preparing to send Emma off that Jim’s dad wrote him letters while was away at school.  Naturally I thought to myself if LJ Perona did it, then it certainly is a good thing.  

While we away at college our mode of communication - hand written letters.  We sent them, or at least I did on what seemed like a weekly basis, and while we were doing that, Jim was also receiving letters from his dad. (INSERT HEART EMOJI).  I still have all of the letters tucked away for our kids.  I imagine someday they will find them nostalgic and give a glimpse into their young parents relationship.  

All of this instantly made me think about my dad. (HAPPENS A LOT)  I had nothing like that from him - no letter, nothing in his handwriting, nothing that spoke about his wishes, hopes and dreams for me - nothing. This led to a massive search on my end for anything I could find that he had written.  After scouring through the limited amount of things I had,  I finally found something , “Me giving my first class at Kennedy Grade School, Nov. 6, 1978.” Not exactly what I was hoping for but it was something and it was his handwriting. 

I don’t remember my dad’s handwriting but why would I.  Like so many things as a young girl that I took for granted, I didn’t know then why this would even matter.  Why the sound of his voice, his smell, impeccable style, smile, shape of his hands, and even his handwriting would be something I longed for later in my life. The lesson: never take anything for granted. 

Instead of being bitter that this photo didn’t contain a message to me,  I rejoiced.  Anything was better than nothing.  I also knew at this moment I would never leave my own children clinging to one single photo, so I grabbed my favorite pen and started to write.  Letter upon letter, some quick and some long, but every single stroke of the pen gave a glimpse into my love, hopes and dreams for them.  A memory they could hold onto forever.   Just like the many letters Jim’s dad wrote to him and Jim and I exchanged with each other as young college kids.  

Today, I write and send out handwritten cards and letters as often as possible.(NOTE: I NEED A CARD COMPANY TO SPONOR MY HABIT)  If you receive one from me know it comes from a place of absolute LOVE and HOPE and an honest and authentic wish that it inspires you to do the same.  In the days of text messages, emoji’s and e-cards, a written note by hand probably seems hopelessly outdated.  We’ve even reached the point where some schools are discontinuing the cursive form of handwriting finding it archaic (SIGH).  My wish is that you see and feel the charm of a handwritten letter as a timeless treasure.  No matter what your schedule looks like, there is is always time to write a letter.  There is no emoji that can replicate the feeling of receiving this.  It will always offer an experience that modern technology and invisible superhighways cannot touch.  My ask of each of you today - write a letter to someone who has touched your heart.  Send your husband, boyfriend, girlfriend or significant other a love letter.  Write your children a letter that details all of your wishes, hopes and dreams for them.  Reach out to a friend you haven’t connected with in far too long.  Put down your cell phone, pick up your pen, and buy a stamp.  

xo and cheers to notes, letters and the US postal system 

Last Friday at noon we hopped in the car and headed to Chicago.  As I sat in the backseat I started to think about the last time we just hopped in the car and headed anywhere - at noon nonetheless.  Nothing came to me.  Typically on Friday’s at noon I would be frantically trying to wrap up the week and then rush into Saturday and Sunday with the intention to squeeze in everything I didn’t do, or couldn’t do Monday-Friday.  This Friday was different though and unlike the previous weekends in my life, I had time.  

Since my early thirties I can’t remember a weekend where I wasn’t trying to cram a million things into 48 hours.  Oftentimes getting so angry at everyone around me who appeared to be relaxing while I was scrambling around like a crazy person.  My lists for the weekend would often include clean the house, do the laundry, get groceries, organize a closet, run errands but never choosing JOY.  Even though I had the best of intentions to sit with my kids, watch a movie with family, go for a long walk, hike at Starved Rock, sit on my porch, visit with friends, none of that happened because I chose “busy,” and “stress.”  At the time that’s not what I told myself of.  Instead I would tell myself, “These are my responsibilities as a mother and wife.”  [Insert:  Fake News]

As I sat in the car last Friday the day was perfect.  It was late September and we were having a surge of good weather and on the horizon was my absolute favorite place to be - Chicago.  The city was bustling with people enjoying the lake front and packing Wrigley Field (we won’t discuss this).  I was excited that we took Lake Shore drive in.  I stared out the window taking in the water, boats, and sunshine knowing that soon winter would arrive.  [Note:  I love winter as well]. I realized today I was choosing JOY and in that moment I remembered the JOY I felt on Saturday nights when I was probably 8, or 9 and my dad was in charge!

Let me clear about something my mom and dad shared the responsibility of raising us but at that time roles were still defined as “Male,” and “Female,” but not in my house.  My dad didn’t hesitate to do the work that most men would consider “a woman’s job.”  As I am writing this I’m realizing just how significant this time of my life was and it’s impact on forming my own views and beliefs of roles and identity.  WOW!  But in our house on the weekends my mom would go work at her families restaurant and my dad took over.  Our night typically included dinner out, a ride to Cherry, Illinois to visit my paternal grandma and time at home in our house that I absolutely loved as a child.  There were no distractions (e.g., cell phones, tablets and the internet) but there was an awesome stereo system with 8tracks of Kenny Rogers, Kris Kristofferson, Bob Seger and more.  [Click on the artist and enjoy the music. Now you know where my love of music and singing came from.  My dad was the BEST singer.]

These Saturday nights would look different with every season.  If it was summer we might add in a softball game where my dad was “watching us,” but we were more than likely roaming all over the Mark, Illinois hill.  In fall before dinner we might be circling the parking lot of the eye doctors office next to our house on our bikes and climbing the huge tree that overlooked the alley.  In the winter he would light a fire and the family room would take on a new feeling.  It was the best of times.  On the nights where my mom didn't have work my dad would give us the afternoon but shift his attention to her in the evenings.  They would go out and we would get a babysitter and we had some of the best!  Carol, Julie, my aunts, our neighbors the absolute best babysitters.  While we were tearing up the neighborhood my parents were showing us the importance of taking time for each other and good friends.  A key ingredient to a healthy and balanced life as a married couple. [Note:  Anyone who knows my dad knows he liked to have a good time]. 

My own life resembled this in many ways with the exception that I was not finding balance and a healthy way of living.  I was going to school on the weekends when my kids were young (my choice).  How was this possible?  A very supportive  understanding family.  Don’t get me wrong not everyone understood my decision or motivation to advance my degrees, but what others think of me is none of my business.  I knew that with motherhood and marriage didn’t come the end of my own dreams.  Today woman are putting off marriage until their education and careers are well established but that wasn’t what I knew.  This was the path I was on and I’m still on it today. 

In many ways my own children’s Saturday’s resembled mine and it wasn’t until I was in the car on this gorgeous Friday afternoon that it hit me and I heard a message from my dad.  He said to me, Amy I couldn’t be here to watch you raise your own children and become the woman you are today but I gave you a gift, a man who would support you and love your children just like I loved you.

Thank you dad.  I love you still.  Cheers to weekends.  Choose JOY xo

“And when someone you love dies, after a period peace blooms, slowly, and always, irregularly.  Space fills with a kind of soothing electric vibration.  Our senses restored, never to be the same, whisper to us.  They existed.  They existed.  We can be.  Be and be better, for they existed.” (Maya Angelou)

Distance brings fresh perspective.  As Maya Angelou says, after a period, peace blooms.  I remember as a 13 year old girl thinking to myself that I would never be happy again when my dad died.  But slowly, and always irregularly, I did find happiness again, even though things were never the same.  Everything during the year following my dad’s death changed,  from my home to my responsibilities, to the obvious and painful moments where I expected to find him, not hearing his voice, seeing his face, feeling his hugs.  But over time our senses did restore and I knew I would forever be better for knowing him as my father for 13 years.  

In many ways, since being asked to leave my job, I have been putting a lot of space between myself and that place in order to gather some perspective.  I have not driven by or down the street of the school since the day I left.  For four years I spent more time there then I did at home.  My car could be found in the parking lot as early as 6am and late as 9pm.  On Sundays it wasn’t odd to see it parked out front as I tried to get a jump start on the week.  But slowly, and always irregularly, peace blooms.  The other day I was heading to the yoga studio and I thought about driving by the school.  Was I ready?  Would it hurt too much?  In the end, I didn’t, but that’s not to say I never will.  When it’s time, I will know.  

In many ways the time after this loss has felt like the period after a death.  It was sudden, painful, and left a huge hole in my heart.  I needed time to grieve, and to come to terms with the knowledge that what was will never be again.  But also to know that it existed, and because it existed I will be better. I will know when it’s time for something new.  I will feel it.  I will notice the subtle shifts, I will release the old, and clear a path for what’s ahead.

When my dad died, I didn’t want to let anything go.  I didn’t want to clear a path for what was ahead.  I wanted to stay.  Because somehow, if I didn’t leave, then it wouldn’t be real.  I stayed far too long in that period, and when you do that you become hardened, bitter, and angry. I put up many shields to protect myself, and I wasn’t going to let anyone break through them.  But the weight of those shields simply became too much to carry.  I’m reminded of a quote from Antoinette Bosco about carrying your cross.  I’m certain I've botched the retelling, but she said something to the effect of this — “it’s not enough just carry your cross, first you have to wrestle with it, fight with it, get mad at it, and then, only then can you let God take over.” I don’t remember exactly when I realized it was time for me to let go of that burden of grief, but I’m sure it involved an emotional break down that left me laying in my bed for a couple days, wishing the pain would go away.  Little did I know at that time that I could ask for help.

I think this is the larger problem that exists for so many — asking for help.  Admitting that we can’t do it all, and sometimes life is just hard.  Self-care is not just about bubble baths and spa days.  It’s also about self-examination and unpacking the ways in which we perpetuate our traumas onto one another and onto ourselves.  I knew the moments my traumas were impacting the lives of those around me, and I knew that if I wanted things to be better, I had to be better.  This journey to healing started on my yoga mat.  More than twenty years later, I'm still on that path, still healing, still practicing, still unpacking.  But that’s why it’s called a practice.  

Today, every single moment in my life is yoga — every moment.  If it’s dark, it’s yoga. If it’s light, it’s yoga.  If the experience is good, or bad, or weird, it’s yoga. If it’s being fired, it’s yoga.  If it’s being rejected or accepted, it’s yoga.  It’s all purposeful, and it’s all part of my growth.  My soul.  

“Yoga opens our eyes so we can see clearly who we are and who we are to each other.  This awakening gives us permission to be more joyous, connected, understanding, compassionate, and loving, right here, right now.” (Seane Corn)

So, unlike when I was 13 I’m not going to stay in the sadness of this job loss.  I’m not going to wish that the circumstances were different, or that I could go back.  Instead, I’m going to let go.  I’m going to sit with the subtle shifts, wait for peace to bloom, and someday say "It existed, and because of it I will be better".

Alexa, is there such a thing as too much time? 

I remember a time when I was so happy it was finally Friday.  I looked forward to getting home, putting on something comfortable, eating comfort food and settling in for a night of Netflix.  I felt accomplished and satisfied with my work week. I was proud of myself.  My frenetic paced life told me I was doing something.  Now I feel completely subdued. Stir crazy and lost in my thoughts which of course are negative.  

I’ve been trapped this week in my thoughts because time has felt like the enemy.  I feel guilty instead of grateful.  Lazy instead of engaged.  Worthless instead of deserving.  Be careful what you wish for has been on repeat.  Because yes, there was a time not so long ago I wished to be exactly where I am today.  

Why do we equate success or feelings of accomplishment with exhaustion?  Why do we tell ourselves that if we are not moving at the speed of light packing in more and more each day, we are somehow less worthy of praise?  Why do we glorify busy?  

I’m so confused and sometimes impatient.  Trust me when I say Alexa doesn’t have the answer to everything. I’ve asked.  I’ve even tried Google.  Truth is, slowing down is hard work.  Keep a fasted paced, frenetic life is much easier (clearly not healthy) but easier.  When you slow down you sit with the Self, and if you don’t like what you see this can be zero fun.  Truth is, I do like what I see it’s just unfamiliar and I’m learning how to navigate the ups an downs.  So instead of asking Alexa for the answers, I practice and trust the universe has my back.  

“If you sit within the Self, you will experience the strength of your inner being even when your heart feels weak.  This is the essence of the path.  This is the essence of a spiritual life.  Once you learn that it is okay to feel inner disturbances, and that they can no longer disturb your seat of consciousness, you will be free.” (the untethered soul, the journey beyond yourself)

HINT:  The cage is not locked. (Nova Knutson)

This photo symbolizes freedom to me.  A reminder that the cage is not locked.  I think we get an idea in our head and become so fixated on it being “THE WAY” that we often lock ourselves in a cage until we have arrived at this place. Only to lose the key and stay there.

I was at lunch the other day with friend I met while on a yoga retreat in Tulum.  We were discussing my current situation examining the positives and the negatives.  For some reason I’m still telling people “I’m not working,” and my friend called me out on this.  She asked why I keep saying that when it’s clear I am working.  I replied, “Well I’m not doing what I went to school to do.”  She pressed on asking me a number of questions about what my day looked like now and what I was doing throughout the day and little by little I realized how busy I was.  She said, “You’re only doing one job now Amy and until you can tell yourself that’s work, your going to stay trapped.”  She went on further to say that I, “not society, or friends or family defined what ‘work’ meant and I need to start rethinking this in order to truly be free.”  Damn - she put it back on me!  Every second I wanted to argue that society defines work and what is seen as valuable or significant she would say, “Well you believed it,” and she was right, I did.  I measured success by how much I earned and the title that came along with it.  I was trapped in a very narrowed minded view of success and once I became a principal I thought, “Well I’ve gone as far as I can go.”  

HINT:  The cage is not locked.

In 2013 I had been teaching nearly 18 years, the last 12 of them in the same location doing the same work everyday.  I was a little bored but comfortable (my least favorite word of all time).  The money was good, the environment friendly and I had developed a solid program that could have led to a long career and easy retirement.  The cage definitely felt locked.

I am claustrophobic and I have a terrible fear of heights.  For me, this time in my career felt like I was trapped on a very high cliff and if I jumped off there may or may not be a safety net.  I wrestled with what to do and ultimately I made the decision to leave my job, take a huge pay cut, add 45 minutes to my daily commute and go work in educational research and policy writing at the university level.  No baby steps for this girl!  The cage didn’t just open, it broke apart and I left the nest of comfortability and familiarity.  Long story short, the job was a nightmare.  I was now in a new cage with no windows and the key, well as far as I knew, it was thrown away.

This job taught me that in order to get back on the path you sometimes have to take a wrong turn.  I quickly learned that policy writing and research were lonely and isolating.  Time on the road was hard and my body started to bare the brunt of it.  Long days turned into shorter nights where my yoga practice took a huge hit.  Time was not on my side and my physical body started to shut down.  I knew that self-care and a new job search were going to be my only way out of this cage. NOTE: I loathe resume updates, job applications, interviews, denials and rejections. I’m not one to quit so I stuck with this new job for two years and during this time I learned a lot about myself.  I also watched someone I loved slowly be taken from us during this time due to dementia and Alzheimer's.  My crappy job paled in comparison to what he, and family were going through.  

Truth be told, I had no idea what lay ahead between the years of 2015-2019.  When one door closes another one definitely opens but it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to be smooth sailing.  There were most certainly times during my four years as a principal where the isolating and lonely work of research writing seemed desirable.  True to me, I did not give up but just when I felt like my feet were firmly planted the rug was pulled out from underneath me.  

It’s been almost three months since the day I was told I was no longer needed.  Fired.  A new freedom that comes with a heavy price.  Comfort and stability and maybe a little fear are what lock us in the cage.  To be totally free we have to take risks, trust in a higher power, fall a hundred times and hold on to the belief that good things are coming.  

The reality is that things never end, they just shift from one form to the next, one lesson to the next, one opportunity to the next.  “Each step we take on this path is a step into the unknown and a confirmation of our ability to live a better life.  Change is an invitation to spread your wings a little bit, to experience freedom, to take small steps with big consequences, to break free.”

In August I set an intention to “begin again.”  There were definitely days where I felt like this was happening and I could not only visualize but feel the new opportunities.  Then there were setbacks where I caught myself saying, “go back to what you know.” So for September I am setting the intention, “YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO THERE (YDHTGT).”  

*negative thoughts - “YDHTGT”

*fear - “YDHTGT”

*anxiety - “YDHTGT”

*financial stress - “YDHTGT”

HINT:  the cage is not locked ~

hugs

Last week (Tuesday)I woke up to the sound of thunder, a dark room and no place to be.  I rolled out of bed, started my morning coffee, fed my cat and did what I always do - scrolled through social media (I know....).  Then it hit me, today was “back to school” day.  Normally, well for at least the past 20 years of my life I would be deep in the weeds of either preparing my classroom, or preparing the school building for this big day.  This was not the case on this rainy day.  Instead, I was reminded of exactly where I wasn’t anymore and the day my life changed in a quick four minutes.  

I knew August would be hard but nothing could have prepared me for intense wave of emotion I felt seeing all the pictures of kids going back.  In an instant I was paralyzed with sadness and didn’t want to move.  Instead I wanted to crawl back into bed and feel sorry for myself, well after I grabbed a cup of coffee.  

Immediately I did what I’ve never done before - I called a couple people I knew would have my back and admitted how sad I was.  I let down my guard to be strong at this moment and instead reach out to those who I knew would listen without judgement.  This changed the entire course of my morning.  Instead of going down a very slippery slope of pity, I took a deep breath and BEGAN AGAIN.  That’s right, I took my August mantra of “begin again,” and restarted the day.  Including in this restart permission to be sad but also permission to let it go. 

Make Your Bed

Awhile back I was scrolling through social media and came across a post my cousin had made.  She was commenting on how her sister made her bed everyday.  She shared a picture of it, and I was immediately struck by how beautiful, and put together it seemed.  I’ve always had this mad crush on coming home after a long day to a beautiful, well-made, perfect sheets and comfortable bed.  Why wasn’t I doing that?  Of all the “tasks” I put on my “to do list” this would be easy.  

Not long after that post I stumbled across the book “MAKE YOUR BED.”  I’m not kidding the universe works in crazy ways.  The author (Admiral William H. McRaven) wrote in this sweet little book about the little things that can change your life, and maybe the world.  NOTE:  making your bed may not change the world, but it will change your mindset about accomplishing something.  

There are many days I stop and ask myself did I accomplish anything today other than feeling like a ping pong ball jumping from one activity to another.  Then it dawned on me thanks to my cousins post and the Admiral’s book - I can make my bed.