Mama Ryder

𝗝𝗘𝗦𝗦𝗜𝗖𝗔 𝗖𝗛𝗔𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗜𝗡 as 𝗠𝗔𝗖𝗘.

"..I'm sorry.."

I'm sorry for letting that happen to me, I'm sorry that you fought all this way only to find this disappointment of a son being all that's left, I'm sorry it happened in such a useless, cowardly way, I'm sorry for letting you down.

Ashton took in a long shaky breath as oxygen burned his lungs before he found some semblance of courage to recount it all. "She- she put me in chains, I didn't eat, for.. days? A week?" It was honestly all a blur at this point, he tried to focus his attention as fingers traced over the scars and pull away to dissociate from hearing himself speak of a time he's been suppressing to forget, "and when I finally got food I-" it felt humiliating to say it out loud, to have been manipulated that way using the guise of his best friend and drugged, lost all control of himself to her bidding. "I couldn't fight back after that," his voice cracked pushing that out, "that's how she forced it on me." He avoided talking about everything else in between, the broken ankle, the torture and abuse, the psychological warfare.

The hot tears hadn't stopped since he started speaking, "I've been taking the vaccine, for years, ever since, but who knows when it'll stop working and we might all just.. die. Just-- such a fucking waste of resources, for the dumbest fucking reason of getting infected I- I--" he couldn't meet her gaze as he continued, knowing she'll know immediately once he continued, that they were back in that hole he once was years ago, in the hospital room where he hoarded as many pills as he could, to right the wrong of being alive, "..I thought about it, a lot, to just save everyone the trouble, stop wasting these things on me." The look of a broken man that had been masked over with shouldered responsibilities and the hairline cracks grew, but a tearful smile had flashed as he plucked up the courage to look up to his mother again, laughter bubbling through, reminding himself flesh and bone, she was here, "I'm glad I didn't."

Not all the pieces were there, but she forced herself to listen, unable to bring herself to ask what had been done to the food because every option she could think of was worse than the last and none of them were allowed to be true while she maintained her sanity. As he spoke, her hands had run comfortingly through his hair as much for her as for him, grounding herself that despite it all they were there in a place so beautiful despite it all.

"Stop it. Stop it, right now, talking like that. I raised you better than that." The firmness in her voice came from desperation. Came from her barely restrained panic. "You are not dumb, nor a waste. Ashton Finley Ryder, how dare you talk about yourself that way." His smile, his relief that he hadn't followed through was all that held her together. "How often did I make you follow a self deprecating statement with a self compliment?"

Softening at that smile, her own bloomed out just a little, as she lifted a hand to brush his tears away with her sleeve pulled over the ball of her palm. "So much like your father it scares me sometimes." They looked so much alike in these moments, just as much as when he smiled that truly big, excited smile, the dichotomy of his ghost peeking through his son was striking.

And after what happened during the wedding celebrations her brother needed a release. He'd been through enough shit for them to give him a pass to babble on as long as he needed. Madison would have gladly sat for hours listening to the logic behind why the Dewey Decimal System was chosen and just how amazing it was the combinations you could file some titles under if it meant easing some of her brother's recent tensions (to say the least).

"I haven't and a stick figure is about all I can do. I have no artistic abilities whatsoever," she admitted freely with a small laugh. "But I promise to add something," she agreed. "That's really such a great idea. The whole community adding their piece. I still can't believe this place is still standing to be honest. When Duck and I made our way here after Eden I thought it would have been overrun all the same. Thank fuck it wasn't, but man, it's still..." She made the motion that her mind had been blown when they found the Wexley in the shape that it was in.

Really, seeing the difficulty that Abilene and Dallas were having in being comfortable amongst the township, and understanding exactly why that may be, the idea had come to her and the more she thought about it the better an idea it seemed. Though, really, who was she to come into this place and immediately start proposing changes?

It felt surprisingly good to let go of the book. Lifting a weight he hadn't know he'd been carrying from his shoulders. As always Amelia helped him more than she would ever know - like any good mom did. JP wished he'd had her in his life sooner. He really did believe things would have turned out much differently for him, for all of the Roses, if Ash had moved to the Wexley sooner. Life had a funny way of working itself out though and he supposed the Ryders showed up in their lives exactly when they'd been meant to.

"I don't know how much help I'd be, but I'm always willing to pitch in to come up with ideas on what to teach the youngsters. Maybe I could be your p.e. teacher," he joked.

There was still a softness in his gaze and smile despite the sadness at the mentioned of Jer, but they were quick the fade once Sada came into the picture again. He could tell it was hurting her having to listen to it all, but if felt like she needed to know, or at least he needed to tell her. He lightly shook his head at first with a rebuttal, "I could have stopped it, it might’ve killed me but I could have." Jeremiah Rose all of people might've killed him. He wanted to believe that he wouldn't ever, but.. the thoughts were interrupted being pulled into a warmth familiar embrace, making him feel like a kid again. Once upon a time, he cried in her arms just like this asking her why dad hasn't come home yet whenever a deployment takes longest than it should. That rush of nostalgia had his blues deepening and vision blurry with tears, silently rolling down his cheeks and dripping onto fabrics below, hers or his. His hands subconsciously found purchase in holding onto her, wanting to hide his face in shame though she held strong in keeping his head held high. "But so many others aren't either."

It was tempting to take the offer, to just stop and try and find the courage to pick it back up again another day. But the scab was picked, and wound was opened, the bleeding couldn't stop, the words that convinced him to keep going - we have all the time in the world now. His own eyes met hers before a broken smile pushed through the hard words, "..no we don't."

The dread insinuation was there, enough for the worse case assumptions to be made. "There's.. I still have to tell you something," he closed his eyes shut once more, leaning into the embrace to find something steady for a few moments, "I just need.. a second." He took an extremely long time, taking labored long breaths before the hyperventilation could take over. After what felt like forever, words softly escaped his lips, "..she locked me up, no one stopped her, no one could." He remembered his outburst, like a traumatized dog fighting back because it didn't want to go back into a cage. Jer trying to buy him time. Everyone else looked away, all whisked away, for plausible deniability of Ashton just disappearing instead of visibly locked up.

And then it came. Heavy, like an anvil from a great height. The other shoe.

"What do you mean? 'No, we don't?" Even Amelia could hear the strain in her voice, could feel how pale she must be with how all the blood had drained from her face. The way he had to steel himself, the way he had to take deep breaths, all had her head swimming, hands holding fast to him just as he held onto her. She could hear it already, knew already what was on the horizon. The context clues were there, too strong, too undeniable, but so badly did she want to deny them.

"I want you to tell me whatever you need to tell me." And nothing more, but that part remained unspoken. "But what I need to know, Ashton..." It felt like her heart was choking her, attempting to thunder it's way out her throat. "What do you mean by 'We don't have time'?" The world was swimming? Oh yeah, she had to remember to breathe. That held fast grip she had on him was white-knuckled now, desperate to know if her worst fears were about to be confirmed. What did it have to do with Sada locking him-

"No one else knew it," he grumbled lightly at her vindication of being right all this time through motherly instincts, no one but his mother really seeing through him. It comforted Ashton in that fact, that at least someone else saw it too. If one hadn't really observed them or seen them in their last moments, they probably wouldn't believe it either.

"I-.. think so?" Ash paused trying to find the words to even describe what their something was, "..I don't know." They shared sweet kisses, fell asleep in each others arms, secrets and comfort shared, and there was a softness to Jeremiah that Ash had the privilege to know, "for a couple months, he was.. actually really sweet," contrary to popular (and even Jer's) belief, chuckling at the dichotomy of that man of who he was perceived and who he was alone with Ashton. No one would probably believe him other than Charlie. And yet.. Sada always had to come first. Having to toe around their relationship, they never really got the chance to explore what it would've really meant to each other to be together. "But you know she doesn't like people touching her property," there was a scoff in his words but there held a pain, anger perhaps. Frustration, that they knew there was something there between them, and they weren't allowed to hold on to it. "Only a couple of months, because-.." Ashton closed his eyes and continued gripping onto his mother's hand, taking in a deep, shaky breath, finding the strength to recount when it all started crumbling down, and recounting that painful cell that he hasn't ever fully recounted to no one yet.

He started with the easier things first, and to think these were the easier things to recount, was honestly fucked up. "..those vaccines that came in, Sada found them first. It was all the leverage she needed," he skipped over her hurting herself and framing him, the start of trying to turn Jeremiah, turn everyone against him, "she killed Mr Wexley. Infected him, it was chaos so many people got bitten, Roman, Charlie, Aggie, Jer-" he remembered every single one of them hurt, Sada denied ever having a hand in it but she's just as complicit for instructing someone else to pull the trigger. "She used people's lives leverage, took over the whole building. She- I-- ..I couldn't stop it," shaking his head, burying his face with his free hand not holding onto hers, "she didn't let me." If he squeezed his eyes shut hard enough, he could still feel the chains around his wrists, taking a long pause still internally struggling with the decision to tell everything or not.

Any mention of Sada twisted up her insides into knots, a hard swallow forcing the ball of anxiety out of her chest and into her stomach as she forced herself to listen. It's true that sometimes it was better to have loved and lost, like with herself and his father, soulmates through and through and even if she'd have to do it all again knowing how it'd end, she would, without hesitation... but the amount of pain that rippled across his features made her wonder just what price he'd paid for that love.

Ignoring the ache in her hand from his grip and giving a little gasp as the list of deaths and bites got longer and longer, Amelia couldn't help letting out the softest 'fuck.'

As diabolical as that woman was she shouldn't have been surprised, but for one person to cause such massive damage themselves was shocking. All for a bid for power?

"If she managed to harm so many people... Baby, you couldn't have been expected to stop it all yourself." Gathering him up into her arms and hugging him to her chest very much as she had when he was small, gentle fingers brushed over the back of his head as she spoke softly, forehead to his temple. "You're here... and she's not. That's all that matters. We don't have to go on if it's too hard. We can take a break and come back to it later, it's alright. We have all the time in the world now."