the weight of the world

for someone who barely spent any of his life alone, benji was pretty good at being alone. he hadn't even spent time in the womb alone. but now, it was a dear friend. isolation. he didn't know how to be around his peers normally. at least, now that he had returned to work, putting on a fake front around the greater wrensted was practiced. nothing really changed there. it was just around his peers. they knew part of his mask had slipped. it was just better he didn't see any of them. it was better he didn't reach out. didn't talk to anyone. he had forgotten he and leah had established a new routine. she would come over, and he would cook for her. show her his space. make something for her. it had totally slipped his mind. maybe it was his new practice of getting stoned any time he wasn't going in for his internship that muddled his mind. maybe it was that he assumed leah wouldn't want to keep things going. but when the knock on his door rings through his small studio, the lacrosse ball he had been tossing up to himself almost lands on his face. he has to drag himself off his bed, before carefully opening the door. it takes him a moment of studying the woman in front of him to realize- she hadn't forgotten their plans. he blinks a few more times before speaking finally, "hey, shit- sorry i meant to clean before you got here," but nevertheless, he stands out of the way, allowing her inside, "sorry, i didn't plan anything. i can still throw something together, are you craving anything?"

"as always," she feigns a small laugh, lets the pad of her thumb run over the rough edges of one of his nails, "the thing you said about your dad... do i even ask? or are you going to shut me out?"

he just didn't know how to be cared for. it went against everything natural in benji's body. he never had parents who showed him love, and the adults who were in his life didn't have enough time for him. it was natural for him to be the one caring. to put his needs on the back shelf, to just manage them on his own. not that he was particularly good at taking care of himself, but it was all he knew. he wants to pull his eyes away, but since she's already done it, his eyes hold strong on her. he feels guilty. his lies are on full display, and she caught him in it. he hesitates before responding, chewing on his bottom lip. clearly she didn't want to talk about amelia, and he wouldn't push. so he sighs, "it's not about shutting you out," he gives her hand a light squeeze, trying to show he means it, "it's just complicated," to put it lightly

juni   sighs,   and   it’s   not   exactly   quiet.   it’s   a   full-bodied   exhale   that   lifts   her   shoulders   and   drops   them   again.   but still,   when   benji’s   arm   slips   around   her   waist,   she   doesn’t   recoil.   instead,   she   lets   herself   soften   into   the   gesture,   turning   her   face   towards   him   with   a   smile   that   feels   lighter   than   anything   she’s   worn   all   evening.

benji relished in the complement. something in the way juniper had said it, words meant just for him, it was one of the only things to make him feel light tonight. he soaks in it, in her smile too. for just a moment, its just them. like how it could feel when romy and amelia were in their own world, and it had just been them. it was a nice kind of nostalgia. and maybe, just a little selfish. "you too, juni," he whispers back, before readjusting to lead them out of the crowded area. it seemed like they could both use a little space. a moment. she was right though, inside every room was packed. he placed his hand on top of her hand looped into his elbow, "you gotta know a good secret spot, right?" he hoped there was something, now realizing just how much he needed to decompress.

The swirls of guilt at having these feelings at all curdled with their breakdown. It's not like Benji would believe they were feeling down about Amelia being missing - truthfully, if anyone had looked at it with a critical eye they'd see Justice was practically benefitting off of it. New friend, new side of Romeo unlocked, fancy dinner... But that wasn't going to be their first lie of defense. "You know me," they said, putting their hand to their forehead. "Anxiety attacks at the drop of a hat."

And this event? A ten gallon hat dropping off the Empire State Building. Justice finally met his gaze, sighing. "The tension in this place is like static cling," she added. "How are you managing?"

It had to be tougher for him. He was in Alejandro's line of fire, and Romy could only save him so much.

benji was known as a comforting presence. it just came naturally to him. he was a big brother. a protector. but it wasn't ever something he felt the need to direct at justice. they didn't know each other. they didn't spend time together. even with their recent run ins, it was all just coincidence. but he felt bad for her. the bad blood with amelia wasn't unknown. but amelia had bad blood with just about everyone at this point. she had that effect at times. even if she was benji's friend. even if they snuck around, maintaining a friendship he wouldn't talk about. shared secret rendezvous. at one point, he thought maybe he was let into a secret part of her, but maybe it was just another secret she liked to form. to make herself, and others, feel special. he held his lips together in a thin line, assessing the individual in front of him, "i don't really know you, though, justice," he spoke honestly, though his arms dropped, not held up in front of himself anymore, "but i get how the tension could get to anyone," he studies her, "you wanna talk about it?" something she can take or leave. an out. but he forces an out for himself. he refuses to divulge any more of himself tonight. not to give any more ammunition. he shrugs as he tucks his hands into his pockets, "i'm fine. it's just a freaky rich birthday party. it'll all blow over once she finally shows back up," he won't let slip if he believes that's what'll happen. no more ammunition.

How exhausting. If Mick could say nothing else about her parents, may they not rest in peace, she could say that there had never been a moment of pretending. How exhausting.

And it was the king of pretending that she saw when she meandered into the family room, walking with no true purpose but to kill time until she either: a) found Juniper had left, b) was found by Juniper to leave, or c) simply found something to do, who she stumbled upon.

"Yeah, I actually just finished Swimfan." Topical, if her prior conversation with Tristan regarding Ramses had any merit. Her eyes drifted from Benji to the picture he totally hadn't been looking at. "Isn't it kind of funny?" she said, an echo of her prior thought. Then, turning her attention back to him, an observation not reserved for the pretenders on the wall, "They look pretty fucking happy, don't they?"

sometimes he hated being around mick. she always thought she could see through him. but what was she even seeing? benji didn't even know himself, so there was no way she knew anything. maybe she sensed he was hiding things, but she didn't know what they could possibly be. and it couldn't be more than an assumption. not even his closest friends could've guessed. but he focuses on the taste of iron. on the wound he tore in his cheek. he rips his gaze back to the collection of photos. glancing around to the different amelias he had known over the years. all his rage turned to guilt, a feeling he had to ignore. so he replied to mick, "of course you pick a shitty b movie," he snorts. he can't keep looking at amelia. even being here feels wrong. the whole night had been wrong. the castros never should've had this event. it was all out of self interest in his mind. it was never about amelia, and he didn't think anything the castro parents ever did was about their child. bitter resentment bubbled up in his chest, burning all the way up. and mick was the last person he wanted to talk to about the castros pretending, about his own pretending. he turns to look down at mick, "so why'd you come? was it to scope out the way the rich and out of touch live? or were you really into the idea of birthday cake?"

this part should be easy. simply give into the easy desire. slip away with tristan, let any of the guilt, hurt, and everything else wash away and just focus on molding their bodies together. it should be easy. he gives himself an excuse not to answer right away, locking eyes with the bartender- requesting a champagne for tris. while he waits for the bartender, he turns back to her, "don't think your date is gonna curse me for taking some of your attention?" another excuse to give himself more time to actually think about it. without taking his eyes off her, he takes the drink from his periphery, passing it to her, "clem kinda has it out for me usually, though, today we've got a secret agenda going," he grins crookedly.

he wished being inside the home didn't affect him as much as it did. but passing the threshold felt like bags of sand had been slung across his shoulders. it wasn't anything he wasn't used to, that heavy weight bore across his shoulders. he could carry it. his shoulders held back, his grasp on leah though, held firm. he hadn't thought of the gossip about coming in with leah asante. his peers would probably suggest they were sleeping together. after all, isn't that what benji reyes did. word got around in a town like this. the hit it and quit it type as described by the jocks who never quite grew out of the boyish talk. he worried how leah might feel about that. worried it might affect some part of her life that she wouldn't share. his lip caught between his teeth, gnawing at the soft flesh. it wasn't until his attention was directed at dominique callahan, hair clashing with her bad tan, that it registered to him- the real adults would have thoughts about them too. make assumptions. after all, she was technically here as his date. but benji was good with older women, he could dissuade any rumor she might think up. he hopes. it's with a harsh swallow, and a brush of his thumb along leah's finger interlocked with his, that benji is able to pull together his easy, facade of a smile. he directs it at the blonde as she approaches the duo, before whispering under his breath to leah, "you could gamble on this shit and win," it's more forgiving than he thought it would be. he's able to hold his own behind leah in the introduction to mrs. callahan. as leah expertly creates their exit plan. and benji follows behind, playing the best assist game he can. shaking the present right on que when it's time for them to slip away. maybe the night wouldn't blow up in his face if he just kept with leah. maybe she could be his good luck charm. but something is eating at him. worried about how leah would feel with the possible whisperings about what they might be getting up to. he stops them before they can make it to the gift table, and greet the castros. his brows knit together, as he looks down at her, "you know, people might-" he bites his lip before continuing, "people might talk. might say shit about you and me, and," he glances to their interlocked hands, "this," his gaze not rising to meet hers again, "people our age are probably gonna say we're sleeping together. i don't exactly, have the best reputation here," he grimaces. he hated the gossip of this town. the way it treated peoples' lives like they only existed for entertainment. like it was all just happening to pass their time. like these weren't real people, with real feelings. he hated that they took their assumptions as facts, and used them as fuel for their judgement. as if they all didn't have skeletons in their closets.

where: the castro's backyard

juliette tried really hard to figure out the word to describe the feeling she had upon entering the castro's home. even though she hadn't been forced to walk in alone, she hadn't been forced to be the primary target of small talk, she hadn't even had to hold her sympathetic smile for as long as she thought she would. but it all felt wrong. this wasn't where she was supposed to be, right? juliette didn't know how to hold a grudge and she would never say anything awful about amelia. maybe it'd feel better if she hadn't known amelia's real last known location.

her mind was going through a million thoughts a minute. it always did, this really wasn't anything new. the backdoor opening made her head snap to the person joining her outside. "hi," she welcomed the person to join her outside. "how are you holding up here? are you having fun?" she questioned, desperate for a distraction that would silence her wandering mind.

storming through the castro living room maybe wasn't the best idea. but there was only so much of jackson whittle & austin tucker talking like the overgrown frat boys they were one could take. he didn't even make an excuse, simply clapping his hand on austin's shoulder telling him to say hi to sophie for him. storming might be an exaggeration, but benji easily wove through the crowd before shoving through the back door. laying eyes on juliette, benji let out a sigh of relief. juliette in this moment felt like a saint in a hall of heathens. with the hanging lights around the back yard, it could almost seem like she had an angelic glow. benji strolled up to the railing of the back porch, stretching out to lay his forearms on it, "soooo much fun," he drawled sarcastically, rolling his eyes before smiling up at her, "what about you, jules? having a blast?"

he hadn't expected to ever see clem directing this kind of excited energy his direction. it had just never been the kind of relationship they've had. benji doesn't exactly help the situation. he enjoys antagonizing her, just a little bit. it's the older brother in him. harmlessly getting a rise out of her. but he couldn't deny it felt nice, seeing clementine's wild grin hurling toward him. it was infectious- his own crooked grin meeting hers. he shakes his head as he allows her to tug on his arm, "we fuckin' fooled them for sure," he chuckles. he could feel some of the weight lift off his chest that had been nearly crushing his sternum the whole night. clem was so carefree, he couldn't help but feel just a little jealous. he threw his hands up in an exaggerated surrender, "might've made this dud of a party at least a little exciting," he joked, before quirking his brow, "but probably good that we don't piss the grownups off too much. they're too lame to get it," he couldn't help but worry of what the party attendees might thing. the coward inside winning out.

it didn't shock benji, just how much parents could fuck you up. he saw it with his own parents, and his life. dani's life. how many of their bad decisions were just mirrors of angela reyes and javier guzman. all their terrible choices in their love lives. benji's need to be avoidant. to be clingy and needy, while refusing to leave any part of himself. he was no better than his parents. he had his father's short temper. falling down the easy slope to snap at people who might not deserve the harshness. a distinct memory flies through his mind. one of their senior year lacross games. benji had knocked an opponent flat on their back, a sharp crack ringing across the field. that's a fucking foul, bitch. as benji spat on the poor midfielder. benji remembered the whole match. how this guy continued to avoid calls, despite fucking with romeo the whole match. benji got ejected from that game. forced to sit out the following match too. he was lucky he never got suspended. it was just what he would do for romeo, though. he would crack the bones of anyone who tried to hurt him. it's what a good guard dog did. it only ever happened on the field, so far at least. but there was a reason he had dragged romy away from rhys. there was only so much benji could hold his tongue. he hadn't been looking at romy, too worried about blowing smoke in his face. but he listened. hung on every word. committing it to memory. he always had these kind of excuses for his parents, benji understood. but he can't help but to roll his eyes, "you're always on your best behavior," he points out. he's about to go for another pull, but his hand bumps into romy's hovering hand. he can't help but to twist his face to look quizzically at his friend, "okay," he replied softly, passing off the cigarette, brown eyes tearing across romy's face.

she   snickers,   then   leans   closer,   whispering   loud   enough   for   anyone   half-listening   to   hear.   “amelia   never   liked   it   when   the   people   she   loved   looked   at   other   people.   she   needed   to   be   the   sun,   and   the   rest   of   us   just…   little   planets,   spinning   round   her.”   juniper   spins   her   finger   in   the   air,   tracing   messy   circles   like   orbits   around   an   invisible   star.

it was interesting hearing juniper's perspective. maybe he didn't know amelia, but it seemed like juniper did. familiar with her vindictive side. she might be knowledgeable of the amelia who bitterly scratched out vitriol in her journal. he soaks it all in for a moment. letting himself feel a fool for not seeing things for how they were. juniper is going through it, that much is clear. he needs to take care of this. help juniper save some face in front of some of the most vicious suburbanites. he easily wraps his arm around juni's waist, laughing softly at her. not maliciously, but in an attempt to cover their tracks. he smiles at her, hoping to show her how much he cares for her in a look, "amelia really did know how to be a star, center of the whole universe," he gives a slight squeeze, before leaning in, "come on, let's get outta the kitchen, find somewhere quiet to talk,"

all this to say, liza had quickly spun around when she 'd seen him again, and there's a second where she thinks the hand slipping into hers is his. it passes quickly, though, as she's doused in benji's familiarity. she goes with him easily, happy to be given an out, happy to be with someone who actually cares. "about as good as you'd expect me to be," she shrugs, as if to say she's not, "what about you?"

benji is only slightly worried about how it might look for the two of them to slip away. nobody but romy knew of their beach house indiscretion, but it's not like benji has the best reputation. there would be whispers about this. it was unavoidable though, and benji had to check on her. he couldn't ignore her, pretend he didn't care on a night like this. he might have his own feelings about amelia right now, but that didn't matter. what mattered was how her fingers felt between his own. he didn't let go of her hand, but held it loose enough for her to slip free if she chose. "i'm fine, don't worry about me," he brushes off, a placating smile passing across his features. it was easier like this. avoid the topic of himself. it was far too complicated, and eliza didn't need his issues on top of everything else going on. he urged her on, "you wanna talk about it? cuz i bet there's a whole lotta shit going on in there," his unoccupied hand lifted and tapped her forehead softly.

benji just wanted to splash a little water on his face. just collect his thoughts for a moment. he didn't feel like himself. he felt like a fool. surrounded by all these adults, all of whom judged him enough, and he had only added fuel to the fire. he didn't regret it. not really. not when he knew why he did it, but he did hate that it felt like judgmental eyes followed him even more. he reaches out for the brass knob of the bathroom door, only for it to fly open. he's met with a blonde bird's nest. he can't help but laugh. it seems like this is the only way they see one another, running directly into each other. he crosses his arms, looking down at her, he leaned against the door frame, "you're such a stalker," he teased with no bite. it takes him a moment, but he can see the red rim of their eyes, the slight puff under that. his expression quickly softens, "you okay?" his eyes scan their face, "what's up? if it's the stupid adults saying shit, just brush it off,"