Poetic Portal

it's funny the things i'm determined to do

the heat i try to catch in my hands

the wind ashes on my behalf

there's smoke in my eyes

maybe that's why i'm crying

im sending SOS smoke signals

you definitely smell it on my breath

ants in soda cans

i'm on a tree patient bears under me

handprint bruises like love notes, crumbs

no rush, i'll wait here i'm used to it

this room and me. this is my default state

you say you need time and thank god that's all i have i've saved days and months of it, you can have it here, have all of my time i don't need it

this is our default state me waiting and you needing time

the ball is in your court that's fine, i don't need it

red cardinals representing monogamy bumper sticker angel numbers tiktok tarot readings off vibes, you could say then i get this yucky, no-good sign that it wouldn't work so *now* signs are legitimately indicative?

and you know what, i'm sick of signs it would take something real something i can tape to my fridge, show my mother

flowers, a card, dinner reservations plans for a day trip and a star named after me a boombox outside my bedroom window a suit of armor on a white horse and a spring wedding

i'm totally realistic totally fairy tale i just want my happily ever after

and at any point in time, the car i'm driving could catch fire, combust, and explode the lit cigarette doesn't help i'm hungover, extra flammable driving at breakneck speeds on cracked roads surrounded on all sides by 2 ton death machines relying on the brakelights and reaction speed of the white hyundai elantra in front of me blink, and you miss it the odds lay how they may still, i drive something bad could happen the chances of a plane crashing onto your house are always nonzero the impending zombie apocalypse my pet dog remembering her carnal instincts and eating me for breakfast, lunch, and dinner catching a brain eating amoeba in the drinking water cancer diagnoses 1,000 locusts the rapture terrorism disease famine war

it's scary out there and in here, my ceiling fan could silently spin itself out of its screws i don't think i've ever checked their tightness, in several years of running it it gets so hot in here and still, i risk it something bad might happen but something good, too i don't have quite the list for that i've never been the optimist it's unlikely you tell me it couldn't happen our past weighs heavy on a fragile future everywhere i turn, someone tells me it wouldn't work my friends outright forbid it on paper, incompatible i run cold, you sweat in bed i spend freely, you save with conviction i'm ruled by emotion, you command with logic we both fail the olive theory don't even google our astrology compatibility our pros and cons list leans lopsided the odds are incalculably slim

but still, i try things could work out between us i could take your last name carve our initials into a park bench grow wrinkled on a wooden porch the odds are against it but still, i try

i can't even be mad at you you tried to do this i'm too much

i find it in your ears,

under your arms

stained in your seat

mud up to our necks

ill need the industrial stuff

ill do you if you do me

can two people really clean each other?

can i wash the devil off your left shoulder?

can you have your cake, and eat it too?

i pose the question, i have to

years of buildup, bittersweet

i hate to admit i like the taste

i think i see it in your eyes, too

two messy, muddy people

can i believe it?

you hated how i counted bites sliced down perfect invisible middles younger sibling expertise fair and obsessive judicial, executive tit for tat would you like me better now? i've learned to share i would give you the last bite a 2/3 majority (which holds control of me) it's more than enough you never needed much

you tried to beat it out of me, but i can't help myself making mountains out of mole hills creating battles on a tuesday sparring with serving platter toothpicks abhorring brunch sharing plates that last sip you'd accuse me of watching you drink

we kept it so even teetering on tightropes with alligators at the bottom

i remember discussing with my then 5 year old niece the difference between "want" and "need" "I NEED IT!" "you don't NEED it, you could live without it. you WANT it." "... but I really need it!" she didn't get it, or didn't care to it must run in the family