It’s a struggle unlearning the things I’ve been conditioned to think, do and feel. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t doing what I wanted I was always pleasing people. But in trying to breakaway from the person people were forcing me to be , I somehow lost myself and didn’t know who I was outside of the person I had to be to please others. Even in being the new me I still year for one person at least to accept this new me and be my best friend. He’ll even when I was pleasing people I was still lonely. So now , idk who I am and I am also lonely. But I learnt about self efficacy last night and basically it says I can be whatever I want to be if I believe hard enough.

There is no finish line

The crash out will be televised

Checklist method :

It is too comforting and addicting , returning to the place of self hate , where I have zero expectations of people’s perception of me, the emotional darkness, the cynicism, the acceptance of being cut off from humanity in a sense I still can’t explain, being alone in every sense of the word, (with the exception of my family) , it’s what I’ve always known .