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I have never, ever been interested in sports- minus that one time I really wanted to run track, Jesus, 12 years ago- and I’m sure my 13, 16, 21 year old self would be super confused with my current hobby, and also confused with my love of hockey. But it was, and still is, possibly the best decision I’ve ever made in my life.

I am a Big Girl and have always been a Big Girl. I had a pretty serious eating disorder in high school. I dropped 60 pounds in 3 months through starvation and regurgitation. If you go up into my childhood bedroom, the pro-anorexia bullet point list of reasons to lose weight is still taped to the wall. It’s over 15 years old and is showing its age. I remember spending long, long hours on pro-anorexia Livejournals, picking up tips and tricks to lose weight fast, staring at tiny, tiny girls that had their ribs poking out and their hipbones sharp enough to cut glass. I wanted so, so badly to be them. I wanted to blow away in the wind, be small enough that even the weakest boy could pick me up and put me on his shoulders like a princess. I wanted to be a nothing, pretty and vapid and good enough to love.

Sometimes, my body is still too much. Sometimes, I still overeat and throw it back up. I don’t think it’s ever going to be a thing I “get over”. Sometimes, I still look in the mirror and hate the round cheeks and big nose and big stomach and gigantic ass. The weight I’m at now- the weight after over two years of dieting and weight watchers and extra exercise- is the high weight I was at in high school when my eating disorder started. I’m 50 pounds from my all time low weight, the weight i started college with. 50 pounds. That’s 3.5 times of my fat, wonderful cat. That’s more than I can bench press (but only an 8th of what I can leg press).

I’ve always hated my body. I’ve always hated that I inherited my parents’ genes of being too heavy. Dad was the heaviest of his siblings. Mom was the heaviest of hers. We ate a lot of Midwestern comfort food when I was a kid, even though we always tried to keep it in check, even though I became a vegetarian for 10 long, long years in order to consume less calories.

But now- now I can look at my thick thighs and big ass and big body and be proud of it. I’m not a fast skater, I can’t get across the track in a second. But I am a brick wall. If you push me, if you hit me, I will stand tall (in proper derby stance, as Mack has demonstrated) and be immovable. For once, my size is a good thing. For once, my big ass and wide, fat thighs are good for something. For once, the strength that I have, as non-feminine as it may be, is for something good.

When I joined the wonderful, phenomenal group that is the lovely ladies of the Vindicated Vixens, I watched a ton of roller derby documentaries. Today, I get to skate with my own personal hero, Bork Bork Bork. I get to go to practice and get Bork’d and stand hip to hip with her- someone who is beautiful and kind and just so absolutely amazing that I still get stars in my eyes when I watch her- to defend the honor of the Manic Attackers. I started the last two games on her line, with the amazing Bridget, who is already sorely missed. (Come back Bridget. If I would have known our last game was your last game, I would have celebrated with you. I hope you find a new team wherever you are. It was a privilege and an honor to watch you become a baddass. You’re going to do so many amazing things. Don’t give up.)

This time next year, I want to make it to 3rd Coast. I want to beat the Crossers, as much as they scare me, (especially Pixxie. What a phenomenal two way player. She’s going to change the roller derby world) to win the Ivy King Cup. I want to fight through my knee injury and play as well as I possibly can. I want to make my teammates proud with my big, fat body, and I want to prove to everyone, and myself, that this bag of bones and muscle and fat can be a positive change in the world.

Tl:Dr: I Iove roller derby. Thank you, Vindicated Vixens and Crimson and Liza for putting me on this track, and to Megatron who reliably drove me to every practice and scrimmage, week after week. Thank you WCR for honing skills. Thank you Manda for being a phenomenal coach, who has believed in me from the moment of my draft. She gave me the literal jersey off her back for my very first scrimmage as a Manic, and has continued to support me with all my failures as a human being. Thank you Mack and Luna for being such great co-captains. I hope I make both of you proud at IKC. Win or lose, we’re going to have so much fun.

I will never be 5'4, 90 lbs. After 170, I look and feel sick. But at 5'8, 200+ pounds, I am a fucking fantastic roller derby player. I am STRONG. I can do things on wheels I never dreamed of trying before. I can leg press over 300 pounds. For the first time in my life, I am unafraid of falling, because I know I can stand back up.