♡

It was too much, seeing his usernames pop up randomly. Constant reminders of the person I wanted to have conversations and game/anime sessions with but then immediately crushed by the reality I will never have that kind of company with him again. Constantly wanting to curse him out as well (I never did actually use verbal abuse, just expressing my anger and despair). Constantly reminded that I've been replaced. Yeah, yeah, probably not fair to call her a replacement. I'm sure she's great in her own right. I'm not going to be stupid and say he can't find better because that is definitely not true.

The weight is still heavy in my soul, but at the same time, it's easier to breathe. I only hope for it to get lighter as time goes on.

I'm crazy but not crazy enough to pack up and move to nowhere Alabama with no solid financial plan in place. And also embarrassing to admit, just how poorly he treated me that final year, so I did not want to go above and beyond planning and paying for trips. His emotional neglect made me feel insecure and unloved. He says he "tried" but I'll be honest with you, I don't know what the heck he is talking about. All his trying must have been thoughts-only. My requests for love and affection were met with arguments, silence, and more distance between us. It quite literally, was all on me. He visited my city once, I planned it. I planned all our trips to his home and Florida.

I can't recall a time he planned a "date." It might have happened, and I just don't remember from how rare the occasion was. Reminds of Sabrina Carpenter, "Then you pull back when I try to make plans // More than two hours in advance." Also, when I tried to make plans myself, it was 50/50 on whether he'd be available or not. I get being tired, truly, but he couldn't even plan sleep/naps around the time we're supposed to hang out.

He said I asked "for more than I realize[d]"? What? I stayed with you through your long-term unemployment, terrible mental (+ physical) health, and poor treatment of me. You had absolutely nothing to offer me but time and affection and it was all I asked for. Respectfully, F off with that. Oh shoot, I did ask for a coloring book for Christmas once.

Long side note: it was never about gifts or money. I expressed how much it would mean to me if he put in the effort to send me something to unwrap in time for Christmas. Amazon basically does that for you. I don't know why he never used his noggin/creativity to do something without spending money either. I would've accepted anything; a letter/poem (he's a freakin' writer), a drawing, little wooden sculpture. I even told him this. Chat, did I get a Christmas present from him that year? The answer is no. And before you tell me, "but he didn't work", "with what money?" He somehow found the money to spend $80 here and there on an incredibly expensive gacha game (shout out to Another Dungeon. Never playing another gacha in my life because of it lol). AND his mom could have spotted him for the coloring book. All this just to give you an example of how little he considered me. Was I asking for too much?

And somehow, he never believed/accepted it when I told him I was a low priority to him. To his credit, he ended up sending me money to reimburse a drawing tablet I got myself for my birthday 2 months later. I did appreciate the gesture of course, but it felt kind of empty. I didn't care about the $60+, I wanted for him to make or pick something out that made him think of me. Despite me describing in detail my desires, I don't think he understood me. Or rather, didn't care to. I don't know how clearer I could have been in what I was expecting. Chat, is a thoughtful gift too much to ask for?

My memory is terrible but here is just one of the things I got him... Previously he described a toy he had fond memories of in his childhood, similar to a tamagochi but Digimon themed. I ended up finding something on Amazon that was super similar to what he described. I can't remember if it was an exact replica, or like a revamped version, but... I don't know, I was kind of proud of how thoughtful it was. Mind you, he couldn't keep the thing alive for more than a day. I even suggested he set the time to match his sleep schedule, I don't think he ever did. It might be silly to base someone's unreliability on a child's toy, but... come on bro. He turned out to be pretty unreliable.

So like, I believe I was doing my part as a dutiful girlfriend. Gifts are not the only way I showed up for him.

He told me I wanted more than he could give... or something along those lines. I think he said he could never give enough. Well, he'd be right in that case. I just never understood why not.

I can't believe he kept claiming to have "tried." He never followed up with any examples. He left me crying alone in call on multiple occasions, refusing to discuss things (Playing games with his friends was more important than fixing things). I had the same work schedule for the whole duration of our relationship, and he still did not make time that was just for me. We'd be hanging out until an offer came along. I was only there when he had nothing better to do. The default setting, until I wasn't even good enough for that part. I wasn't trying to monopolize all his time, either.

He was adamant about me not discussing our relationship issues with anyone I know. I mean, I still did with my best friend because I will not be isolated. He always called them hate sessions but I promised him they never were. There comes a point where he should have stopped projecting what his ex did to him onto me. Apparently, she would spread hateful and false information to her friends. He didn't want to look bad in front of friends/family, but I made sure to be careful in how I expressed things. I included the silly things I did, too. Didn't matter to him, though. Is it because he knew how terrible he was acting?

Mind you, I told him I did not care who he vented to about me. I know what I do. There was only ONE exception, I did not want him venting to a certain female friend whom he had a sexual history with. Chat, guess who he used to vent to about me? Lol. I was more concerned about emotional intimacy than I was about looking bad. Prior to our relationship ending, I never vented to a male friend.

He should be aware of everything I mention in this post, as these were constant points of contention. He wants to split the blame? Laughable.

What's also laughable is he claimed to be obsessed and crazy about me. He was only crazy jealous. Y'know, which I actually didn't mind much, but... How are you going to claim to be like Edward. (I used joke about being upset that he's not the kind of crazy to watch me sleep like the Cullen vampire lol.) If he were truly near as obsessed as I am with him, he would have never left in the first place. Or would have freakin' stepped up as a partner and not let me carry all of the weight alone for so long.

He had problems with a male friend of mine, for no good reason really. Yet, he could disappear with a female friend of his and not contact me for hours. The friend he had history with? Well she was married at the time, but he spent the night over at their house on 3 or 4 separate occasions. I did not receive a single message from the time he left his house until when he left in the morning. I actually almost broke up with him the final time he did that, but I felt bad because he had surgery scheduled that day. I did insinuate I would leave if it happened again, but instead of sending me messages, he opted to just stop spending the night over there. What the fuck, dude? My goal wasn't for him to stop hanging out with his friends.

But no, me being open and honest about what I am doing and who I am with was an issue. I NEVER left a call or text of his unanswered while I was busy. He did not give me the same courtesy. I texted him all throughout [anime convention] when service allowed, and he was still sulky with me. I couldn't enjoy anything without having his bad mood waiting for me. Chat, was me wanting an update asking for too much?? A freakin' good night text?

"If it weren't Texas, it wasn't going to happen". Y'all, I wanted to crash out so bad. This is how I know he has selective memory. He told everyone in his life that he was moving to Texas for me. Then when things started getting rocky, he started making excuses. Excuses, because those same excuses didn't prevent him from wanting to move to Florida. And I said okay, we can do Florida. So I started saving up as much as I can because moving isn't free. Mind you, I'm the only one employed for the last year of our relationship. It was all on me. And I was being neglected by someone with unlimited free time.

"Grand gestures." He accused me of wanting grand gestures. He tossed me breadcrumbs and expected me to be satisfied. I just wanted evidence that showed he gave a F. Never really got it. I don't understand how anyone else would accept his scraps, so how am I the problem? I guess time will tell with this next one. Partnerships are a joint effort. And regardless of his severe depression, I never would have treated him like he treated me if I were in his position. And I know because I have also been there, severely depressed + unemployed with a partner. I may have hated myself, but I didn't take it out my previous boyfriend.

I was incredibly patient. I asked J over and over again to tell me his needs. If he needed more space. I know I can be a bit smothering. But he never opened his yap, just expected me to read his mind. It wasn't fair. I feel done so dirty. I'm the one who tried so, so hard for someone who had already given up on me.

This accidentally turned into a scathing open letter in response to things he told me that pissed me off. And I cared so much about his "mental health", I never had the heart to go in for the kill of an argument. I was hoping he would see my side of things but no, he was always on the defense. Every time I finally did end up saying something he could not refute, he would either make things up (good thing we mainly texted towards the end so I had evidence) or lose his temper. And then after we already broke up, it all felt so pointless. I did still care about his mental health, so I held back when maybe I should not have.

I wish I knew what his side of the story looked like. He never bothered to share it with me. His Discord writing server vent channels probably know a lot more than I do on his perspective. If he says it's because I didn't trust him, it's because he did things that broke my trust.

I remember him as being highly resistant to growth + change, which is wild considering how often he talks about hating himself. Maybe he found someone he actually wants and thinks is worth improving for. 'Cause if not, I imagine his cycle of destruction will just continue.

Now to be fair, let's list the bad shit I did.

About one year in, I got crazy mad at him for following hundreds of thirst trap accounts on tiktok. I'm pretty sure that's where I can pinpoint where everything changed. The disrespect started after I went off on him. I never got that mad at him ever again but no matter how nice I worded things, he'd still pop his top off occasionally.

Went through his call logs on our shared phone plan because I suspected him of lying about a phone call (he was)

Checked his phone 'cause he was consistently shady about this one friend. (discovered he deleted message threads with her)

Accepted his shitty proposal in our hotel room by the beach but complained about it afterwards. He then took it back. I was engaged for like an hour or so. Btw, this happened a day or two after Point #3 listed above.

A month or two before we broke up, I made the first ever request of him to unfollow an obvious OF content creator on tiktok. I did it by sending a vid of hers where she's bouncing her boobs around lol. He got mad and didn't unfollow so I blocked him on tiktok. I think this was one of his last straws after months of me asking him to pay some attention to me.

I became less and less affectionate with his constant lack of consideration. Stopped good morning texts, stopped answering his calls in the middle of the night for him to go to sleep after he spent all day/night not talking to me.

There, done exposing myself as the idiot who stayed. So, "J", if you ever come across this, just know it was mostly you. You gaslit yourself into believing I had an equal part in it so you could feel better about your actions. You chose your pride/ego/demons over me. What we both had to give up to be together was nowhere near equal, especially since the things you had to drop were for your own personal benefit and not just mine. Done protecting your peace at the expense of my own, too bad I decided after I wasn't going to talk to you anymore.