Am I A... Mango?

Keep yourself in a constant state of arousal. That way, your body is always primed and ready for when sir wants to use it. This can be achieved by edging to keep yourself denied

Maintain hydration. At any moment, sir may want to use your mouth or your pussy for his pleasure. Sir may ask for you to start drooling without any warning. Having adequate lubrication at all times is an essential part of being useful

Stretch. Your body is intended to be used. This may mean being placed in a variety of positions that can pull on overlooked muscles. Maintaining flexibility will allow you to become a perfect object for sir’s use

Gag reflex training. While your mouth is useful for speaking, it is even more useful when it’s taking sir’s cock in your mouth as he fucks your throat. Training yourself to no longer have a gag reflex is one of the best features a useful toy can have

Practice balance. Sir may ask for you to stand or walk around on toes. Practicing in advance helps to prevent unwanted calf cramps

I’m trying something new. My default reaction to unfavorable outcomes is to damage control the bad emotions quickly and put as much distance from the situation as possible. To me, the negative emotions that I may experience are ephemeral, and if I just give myself enough time, they will naturally resolve with minimal effort. I imagine that’s why I have such a difficult time viewing journaling as an effective coping method. It immortalizes a bad experience when all I want to do is forget about it.

With that said, I think there are some valuable things to gain from doing it, so I want to attempt it here. Today was a bad day. Realistically, I think there have been various bad events recently that aggregated to make today feel really shitty.

1) I was rejected from Stanford and Boston University. At no point in this process did I think that I would get accepted to Stanford so I was mostly unfazed by the rejection. Boston University, however, did feel within my reach so getting that email stung a little more.

2) there’s been this relentless feeling of having so many restrictions/limitations on doing the things that I want. Between frequently getting held up at work, the days being shorter, needing to balance my time between friends, family, and my boyfriend, I just get the overwhelming sense that there aren’t enough hours in the day. 3) I feel like I should be improving in so many aspects of my life, but I’m not. I told myself that once I was done with my secondaries, my schedule would just open up and I’d be able to do all the things that I’d set aside in favor of prioritizing medical school. And yet here I am with no secondaries to do but still feeling like I’ve made no measurable progress in certain arenas of my life. (2 and 3 feel related)

4) I continue to struggle with getting my relationship with my sister to a place that I’m happy and comfortable with. Because of that, time devoted to her and my nephew sometimes leave me feeling agitated. This agitation can then extend to my parents. 5) I went in for my annual physical and I got my covid booster and flu shot. The shots in combination wrecked me and left me feeling physically ruined for about 48 hours. After the aches and pains subsided though, I developed a sore throat that has been lingering. Mild enough to not be debilitating but significant enough to annoy me. It’s not the end of the world, but thinking that I may be sick during the Orlando trip is probably upsetting me more than I want to admit. 6) I broke a nail and I got a hole in one of my favorite shoes 😕

All of these things in combination resulted in me reacting poorly to a rather trivial situation this morning. While I was on the phone with my boyfriend during my commute, my mom called to do our morning check in. I answered her and she proceeded to vent some of her frustrations about my sister and her divorce. The conversation was brief and I quickly called my boyfriend back. I had it in my mind that I would tell him the details and he would weigh in on the situation with his opinion. Especially considering that last night we didn’t get a chance to talk about some of the things that I wanted to. But the conversation was steered in a different direction and I found myself frustrated at how asymmetric the conversation felt. At the time, I was simmering in my frustration, unable to redirect the conversation to a place that I was happier with, withdrawing more and more as time went on.

At the time, I blamed the outcome of the conversation on my boyfriend’s personality, citing that his ability to mobilize his thoughts quicker than me allowed for him to dominate a conversation and fill it with endless thoughts of his own choosing. Now I realize that while that may be true, it’s hardly the entire picture. A conversation doesn’t end like that because he can think of more to say in a quicker timeframe. It ends like that because I never make it known to him that I have something that I want to say. No person, not even the love of my life, is responsible for knowing what I want at any given time. It is my responsibility to make what I want known. The difficulty that I have with being able to ask for what I want is a different beast and one that I’ll be saving for a different journaling attempt. But for now, I’m happy to have identified something that needs improvement.