A Calm Mess

I sleep a lot."

The story of a reflection,

So beautiful, as it was me

That they reflected.

Not beautiful enough for him but.

I know, but they lingered on me

For long enough, I know now

That there was something

For sure, 'cause I...

Oh, I had the same view, once

Twice, maybe more.

"Is there something..?"

And all I could utter

In a heartbeat was "Nothing!"

Now that I've turned pretty,

The gaze, the perception,

That I longed for, of my beloved

Has changed, too.

Leaving me in these vicious thoughts

...

Somedays, I'm out,

Sober, decent, sound,

Unlike him, perhaps that's it.

But the drama goes on,

On a big screen,

'cause I'm used to it,

And used to him.

What can never happen,

Happens easily.

The only place I can breathe,

And go highest, as if I'm freed.

But when I see him,

With my sane vision,

It's someone else there,

Unlike the one with tons of care.

And it hurts, and keeps on,

Until I'm again

Not sober, decent or sound,

Unlike the distance.

He was distant,

Non-blur, with lens on.

How I hated myself,

'cause I liked him more.

And hated that hatred,

Hated that likening even more.

'cause of the way I got ignored,

Still it beated more,

Inside my chest, and that mess,

Inside my head, began to grow.

Making all my logics absurd,

His presence, Too soothing for a reckless soul.

And the smile blooming like rose,

Hardest of all to ignore.

Decency of that aura,

Lord, I wish I could reverse it

And be the shimmer of that soul.

But he ain't that of a mess,

Ain't that careless, I guess.

I'm more of it, and ever be,

Like, why would a rose love a thorn? Unaware it's a part of it...

Oh, I wish to stop, be stopped,

His eyes met mine.

Wanting to prove him right

Yet I denied.

With all the sanity left in me

I focused on the ground

Being totally aware

Of his gaze still at mine.

Oh, how desparate I was

To look up at him

And let him see how my eyes

Reflected him, purely.

But I kept my gaze down

At my final destination

As it was his turn to suffer