you know what'd be a fun idea for a trek fanshow? Star Trek: Mission Logs. You just put a couple people in starfleet uniforms, and have them read off summaries of episodes in an increasingly incredulous tone. Like Drunk History: Star Trek Edition.
"so the captain says that while on the way to the inauguration ceremony, they diverted course to Vulcan as their first officer needed SO MUCH to fuck that he was a week from death, but then when they got there, he got stood up, and then fought the captain TO DEATH but he was ok?"
"so it turns out when they disappeared during the battle with the borg, they went back in time and found out that the first use of warp drive had been undone, so they had to personally help Cochrane rebuild his ship, and they were there for first contact!?"
I say "drunk history" because I imagine the people at the starfleet HQ have to drink heavily to handle the kind of reports they keep getting in from starfleet captains.
"So after a miserable first contact, the commander, doctor, first officer, and science officer disappeared, and their security officer found that the boardgame the barkeep was playing had pieces that represented them? and they were somehow mystically imprisoned inside the game!"
"so the captain says that they detected a ship trapped inside a black hole (!?) and when they tried to rescue the ship, they got damaged and then discovered they were that ship, trapped inside without realizing. Fortunately they found the crack in the event horizon and escaped." (the lieutenant then passes out after finishing the entire bottle of Bolian vodka)
"So while they were on a vital mission to locate the aliens who had blown up florida and were planning to destroy the entire planet, they found a... Cowboy Planet!?"
Everyone yells "COWBOY PLANET!" and takes a shot.
"So while testing a weapons upgrade, a crewmember's case of flu was accidentally turned into an infectious de-evolutionary mutagen, causing the crewmember to turn into a spider, and the rest of the crew to undergo similar changes."
"stop, stop, STOP! you made that one up, admit it!"
"no, really! Their counselor turned into a frog."
"ok, now I'm just not going to believe anything you say."
"so a former captain of the ship was visiting when they tried to rescue a ship flying directly into a supernova, but got 'pulled in'!? and ended up in a REVERSE TIME UNIVERSE? naturally, everyone quickly de-aged to children, and the elderly former captain had to take command"
"Spelk, you're not even trying this time, that's not even remotely plausible"
"So it turns out that the terrorist who took over the paradise planet was the first officer's (half-)brother, and he uses his magic hypnosis to cause the crew to mutiny and join his mission to travel to the middle of the galaxy... and find god!?"
"Did... did they find god?"
"oh yeah! turns out he was evil. Don't worry, the first officer blew him up using a klingon warbird."
"he blew up god?"
"yeah!"
"So this is a little different, it's not a mission log... it's a repair log."
"That doesn't sound like it'd be very weird..."
"Oh, just you wait. So, they had to get refueled because all their dilithium had been stolen."
"Stolen?"
"Yes. By a man from AN ANTIMATTER DIMENSION"
"So a man in an antimatter dimension discovered there were two dimensions, and his matter counterpart went insane and obsessed with killing the anti-matter version of him, but meeting outside the dimensional corridor would destroy both universes"
"both... universes? So if the captain didn't stop these guys, everyone in our entire universe and some other one would be gone?"
"YEP!"
"did he stop them? well, I guess he did, since we're still here"
"oh yeah. trapped 'em in the dimensional corridor forever."
"so they're just out there in some weird in-between-the-universes place, just fighting, for all time? and that's the only reason we haven't blown up?"
"YEP!"
"and this all came out in the logs... because they put in for repairs?"
"yeah. to replace the stolen dilithium"
"are you sure the captain wasn't really into dabo or kotra and wagered the dilithium crystals on a "sure thing" that didn't pan out?"
"So this one is a report of some people (with pictures!) who don't exist."
"They don't exist?"
"Nope! never did. They weren't born."
"So, we have pictures of them, because?"
"Well, the ship crashed, and the stranded crew had kids... then they uncrashed."
"uncrashed?"
"yeah! so it turns out when they approached the planet, they got thrown a couple centuries back in time, and met their descendants. then when they tried to leave, the ship would crash, restarting the loop. but it didn't."
"it didn't?"
"yeah, one of the crew was secretly in love with another officer, but she wasn't going to survive the crash, so despite the crew attempting to recreate the crash to continue the existence of their past-future-descendants, he sabotaged the ship into not crashing"
"wait, into not crashing? he did sabotage to make everything... work perfectly?"
"yeah! they were trying to crash, remember? So they inadvertently didn't crash, undoing the existence of all of their descendants, so they never existed. But here's their pictures!"
"ooh, I found a really weird one! It's not a mission report, medical file, or even another repair log"
"So what is it? Another weird artifact?"
"no no no, I sent those off to the SCP division. This is a SPY REPORT! About a dead Romulan!"
"So this report is on a spy saying that the Romulans had gotten access to some secret information about the then-upcoming Intrepid-class starships. Very minimal info, but this was found in a Romulan database when the ship was just undergoing initial design stages"
"Here's the weird part: The database file with the information on the Intrepid was timestamped 2351, but Starfleet didn't even start initial design work on the Intrepid until 2364!"
"So they used time travel? to get... basic information on one single starship class?"
"Kinda? See, there's a P.S. on the spy file, added later when it was declassified. The leaked info in the Romulan database was discovered in 2371, but the file was updated in 2378, with an explanation."
"and?"
"Remember when the U.S.S. Voyager was lost?"
"oh yeah, they turned out to have just been stuck on the other side of the galaxy, right?"
"Yeah! And while they were there, they found a microscopic wormhole, and successfully used it to communicate back with the Romulans... but discovered it was a TIME WORMHOLE"
"oh, so they were talking to the Romulans back in 2351?"
"Yep! They figured that out and then decided not to transport through the wormhole, as they would have gotten home 20 years before they left, but they sent some messages back to be delivered later. They didn't come through"
"why not?"
"well... turns out the romulan guy (Telek R'Mor) died before Voyager ever launched, so he never got a chance to deliver the messages. but he DID inform the Tal Shiar about some design elements of the Intrepid class, years before it was launched"
"that must have confused them"
"yes... the report is basically just two spy agencies completely confused about what to do about the intelligence they had, and confused about why they had it"
"ok ok ok, enough artifacts, mission logs, spy reports, medical reports, repair logs, how about a really weird one: A SENSOR REPORT!"
"why is that one weird?"
"well, look at the timestamp. Both of them."
"so one timestamp is 2372, and the other is... negative 16 billion?" "yep! This one is a scan of the big bang. And slightly before it."
"... before?"
"Yeah! They did a scan, and then THE BIG BANG HAPPENED, and then fortunately they got out of there before the universe fully existed, as that would exceed the ship's safety tolerances"
"so... why were they at the big bang?"
"well... you know the farpoint encounter, and that godly being the USS Enterprise ran into?"
"oh god (uh, no pun intended)... but yeah, vaguely"
"WELL it turns out there was another one of those godly beings who was suicidal and imprisoned in a comet, and-"
"wait wait wait. there was a god trapped in a comet?"
"yes. apparently they're infinitely powerful but weak to comets. ANYWAY. he was suicidal and trying to hide"
"hide? WHAT DOES A GOD HAVE TO HIDE FROM?"
"well he was hiding from the other god! the one at farpoint! that one was the one who imprisoned him. because he was suicidal."
"so the god was in the comet, and the other god put him there, and someone let him out? and then he hid?"
"yes! and where does a god hide?"
"at the big bang?"
"slightly before, but yes! and he took the ship along with him, so that's how they were able to scan the big bang. because of getting involved in a weird game of hide-and-seek between a suicidal god and a jailer-god"
"so what happened? how did they get out of the whole god-war thing?"
"well... usual stuff. they put the god on trial to see if he could be allowed to die, but compromised on making him human and a crew member"
"so they had a former god on their crew?"
"briefly. then he died."
"he died? after settling for human?"
"yeah, it turned out the jailer-god changed his mind and decided to rebel against god-society and started by giving the former-god some deadly poison to let him finally die, like he wanted"
"well, at least that seems to have ended... well?"
"oh no, there's a follow up! see, it seems the dead god thing lead to a god-civil-war and it seems that caused a bunch of supernovae in 2373."
"wait... supernovae? plural? like, outshined-the-entire-galaxy SUPERNOVAE? that must have killed billions, or trillions!"
"yep! it was a massive disaster and caused a real crisis in astronomy because we had no idea why it was happening, but it suddenly stopped, thankfully. But yes, it was started because the crew accidentally freed a suicidal god from a comet."
"oh god..."
"literally!"
"don't worry, though... that's not the weird bit"
"HOW IS THAT NOT THE WEIRD BIT?"
"OK I PROMISE I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP... but after the first supernovae of the 2373 Calamity, it turns out the captain (of the ship that killed the god) discovered another god... in her bed"
"her... bed?"
"Yeah! it turns out the other god wanted to have a child. with her."
"... that's weird but what does this have to do with the supernovae?"
"he wanted to end the war, and figured the best way to do it was to get her pregnant with a god-baby"
"NOPE! That's it! I'm out. that's not real. you're making it up. We don't live in a universe where one captain caused death across the universe by sparking a god-war and then only ending it by having a baby with a god. I'm out. I have a Warp Dynamics test to study for anyway."
"wait! wait! I didn't even tell you about the time she turned into a lizard and had babies with her pilot"
"NO! I DON'T CARE HOW MANY WEIRD THINGS YOU MAKE UP, THERE ARE NO LIZARD BABIES"
"no, I swear, it really happened! Look, they went infinitely fast and occupied every point in the universe!"
"THAT'S NOT HOW SPEED WORKS"
"it is! and it turns out going everywhere at once infinitely fast turns you into a lizard!"
"*sigh* Are there any reports on unhearing that?"
I imagine they sometimes decide to go HARD MODE on the report readings, where they have to put aside all the ones with "Voyager" on them. They're just too easy.
"So I've got two reports here, and I want you to pick between them. One is the second weirdest transporter visitor log, and the other is a report on why a science officer is 30 years old... except his head, which is 495 years old!"
"I'm going to cut you off there, because I know your tricks: those are both the same incident."
"Yep! You got me. Am I really that predictable?"
"You are. Also, second weirdest transporter visitor log? You phrased that very specifically..."
"I wanted to rule out all the transporter accidents and strange misuses of the transporter, and focus solely on WHO was transported. This was the second weirdest person."
"I'm not going to take the obvious bait and ask who it was... but I will ask: who is the weirdest?"
"Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln. President of the United States, a predecessor to the unified Earth government... he died in 1865."
"WHY WAS HE TRANSPORTED? Who was time traveling back to the 1860s? and if they were in the 1860s, why were they beaming up Presidents?"
"HARDMODE: No time travel! He was transported out of open space in 2269, because he had been recreated by the local mineral beings on their lava-planet"
"why... why did the lava aliens recreate a 19th century Earth president?"
"To study GOOD AND EVIL!"
"Like you do, I guess?"
"Yeah... anyway, the recreated Lincoln got killed by a spear, thrown by either Genghis Khan or Kahless the Unforgettable"
"THE FOUNDER OF THE KLINGON EMPIRE?"
"Yeah! he got recreated too. And teamed up with Genghis."
"No. no no no no no you made this up"
"It's real! Check it out, there's a message here to the diplomatic department, asking for the proper protocol to accept a 19th century US president abort a quasi-military vessel. And there's a video clip! Hit play on that..."
"Man, video quality was terrible back in 2269"
"Yeah, they were using analog tapes back then. Don't ask why. Retrotechnology studies are so complicated even without timetravel messing everything up. So yeah, apparently the answer is 'dress uniforms, security guys, whistle'"
"oh yeah. You can't welcome a 19th century Earth president on board without a whistle. Where's your sense of ceremony!?"
"So I really have to go, my Intermediate Klingoneese class starts in like 5 minutes, but just tell me one thing: Who was the 2nd weirdest transporter visitor on the logs?"
"Oh! Samuel Clemens."
"Who?"
"Mark Twain! Earth author, wrote Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn?"
"What? How?"
"Yeah, a crew found a time portal that went back to 1893, while trying to figure out why the head of one of their crewmembers was in a cave on earth, and accidentally sent him forward to 2368, and beamed him aboard."
"Did they wipe his memory afterwards or something?"
"NOPE!"
"So the 19th century Earth author Mark Twain, who I'm now remembering wrote a novel about time travel, didn't he?"
"yep!"
"So he wrote about time travel and HAD PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH IT?"
"Yeah! thanks to snake aliens, eating humans in the past"
"Yeah I'm gonna go ask my teacher how they say 'You deserve to die for your lies' on Qo'noS"
"I think it's... Hegh nep qotlh SoH? maybe 'urmang instead of nep?"
"I'M OUT, petaQ!"
(a transcript of a twitter thread I made from back in July 2020)
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