Clandestine.Soul

It’s Sunday. And night. I never dreaded Mondays like this before; not until I relocated to Manila (QC to be exact). I live in a lovely neighborhood where everything- from food places to a cinema that only shows quality Pinoy films (which I really love! Watching or waiting for indie films to be shown in commercial theaters really needs too much effort for people living in Elbi since only chosen theaters far away from my quaint town show such films)- I just walk to get there just like what I do in Elbi, walk and walk from point A to point B.

I don’t really quite (TOO MUCH EUPHEMISM!) enjoy my job. Apparently, doing research is not my happy job. It’s great tho, I get higher pay (BUT ALSO DELAYED). I really haven’t figured out yet what’s wrong with my current job. I just find it boring. It’s not something that I’ll consider a life-long career.

Day 12. Oct 18.

So what happened to the past seven days? I haven't posted since I always fell asleep agad. Nothing really special happened in those seven days. Tired and busy but I'm noticing myself a lot more. What I like, what I don't like. Being just random. If I'm washing the dishes and in the middle I wanted to stop, I will stop because I don't feel like washing anymore.

We had a sleepover last Friday. It was raining hard I let it stopped a bit before driving. It was the most fun sleepover I had so far.

Saturday, I literally slept through the day like I didn't sleep early the night before.

Sunday until Tuesday (we had an extended long weekend), I just planned my bazaar. But not sure if i will push through. I'm so excited about it but my resources might not be enough.

Day 5. Late post. Oct. 11th.

And it was another stressful day at work. I cannot concentrate with my main task that was to write a chapter in a book because my boss is like a call center. It was too noisy in our office room. After office we went out for IC's but there was an event and the org rented the whole place. We tried Jacques but it is also closed. We ended up eating at Stable. After that we had dessert and tea at Siento Café. It was gluttony day for us.

Day 4. Late post. Oct. 10th.

Day 3. Oct. 9th.

October 9... today is my heartbreak anniversary. My first heartbreak. I celebrate it every year since 2007. I would bake red velvet cake or cupcake. Today is the second year that I didn't have red velvet.

It was a manic Monday for us in the office. I did some unwinding with my boss after office. We parked at admi then walked to Baker then back. Basically just it. Nothing special. I guess there are days that are just not that special. It's just a day. Well, I did have some realizations relating to "loving myself." I said I'm too lazy to push through my Malaysia-Langkawi trip since I've grown too much apart with the group. Looking back, I was never really "part" of it. They never valued me. Now that I'm discovering *finally realizing* my worth, I don't see the need to still stick to them. I will never forget that instance where they pushed me away, told me to go home alone at 1am in a known unsafe place after a drinking session. I remembered how my high school friends came to rescue me.

Day 2. October 8th.

What did I do today? Nothing. Today didn't go as planned. I was supposed to do some overtime work but I had LBM. It's a Sunday so basically I don't need to get up early. Got up past 9am, my tummy is aching. Cooked breakfast while enduring the pain. Ate brunch but I nearly didn't finish it because of my tummy. Dunno what I really ate, I was like this the whole week-- NOT LBM though. So I endured the pain the whole afternoon, tooks meds. I was able to eat dinner and my icky cheesecake in a bowl. Pic below. I'm off to dreamland now while writing this and my tummy is still aching. No LBM anymore tho. Not sure tomorrow morning. Hope it goes away already.

Day 1. Oct 7th.

Today is the first day I have gone figuring out how to love myself. They say do what you love, don't be too self-conscious, just do you.

Upon waking up, I texted mama asking if we will go to the travel fair at SMX, she said no. So I got up and saw the pile of clothes in my hamper. This means it's laundry day. I did my laundry but left it in the middle to buy kitty litter and cat food. I was also planning to eat at Black and Brew since I've been craving their luncheon meat, mushroom omelette, and shake. After buying Clara's litter and food, I decided to go around campus first to check on the Garden Show. Garden show is running for two weeks this year. I wanted to buy that cactus with bright pink flower on top of it but I don't have enough cash with me. After that I went around the carillion too because there's a mini fair too as part of the Loyalty celebration. Then finally I went back to Vega for brunch. I placed my order. I put ketchup on my luncheon meat and egg the way I want it-- zigzag, dots of hot sauce in between. After finishing my food, I went home. I finished my laundry, cleaned Clara's litter, bathed, and then we went to Sta. Rosa. Checked on items I might need this December if our visa will be approved. I also bought Clara a cutie shirt with Beep Beep on it. I thought it fits her well she's like a typhoon. Haha.

I miss you in every corner of the house. You basically slept and peed in every corner of it-- as you grow, you have managed to have slept in every possible place you could sleep on in this house. The moment you got really sick, I decided that you sleep in my room, no matter how dirty it might get. I allowed you to pee anywhere and poo anywhere as long as you pee and poo (that is more important). Every 4 in the morning you would come up my bed tray/laptop table and just stare at me. I really don’t know your purpose of doing that. Is that your way of checking if I will be okay if you leave? Because for few times, I tried giving you food when you do that, but you won’t eat. You just want cuddles and I tell you how much I love you. It’s been 45 days and I still haven't went back to our room to sleep. It’s sad I will be sleeping alone again. And I am so sorry I only let you in to sleep when you were already sick. When I think of those nights you will come rushing as I go inside my room and I also rush in to close the door so you can’t come in (because you might mess with the stuff on the floor), I feel so guilty and it hurts me. I can only just wish to turn back time and not do that to you. The sadness in your eyes... I can only imagine you walking back and finding a spot to sleep in the house. When you got sick and bounced back a little from your old self and I let you sleep in, I saw your joy of sleeping inside my room, maybe not beside me but just with me. I wanted you to sleep with me in my bed but you chose to sleep on your own bed. 

Today is another day without you. Another day of living in your memories. You gave me a heartbreak I know I can never be healed from. 

I miss you so much my baby bear. Mallow bear... thank you for for staying until you knew I can do it already. I maybe sad everyday but I can do it. It won’t be bearable for me too, seeing you in pain. You fought really hard and long. All the vets who checked you got amazed upon knowing your age and your condition. You were such a fighter! I miss you dearly, my little fighter bear... you’ve been here since I was 11 (you were 3 mos old). You were there when Mommy died, when I graduated from grade school, my first heart break, my high school graduation, my thesis journey, my college graduation, and when I got my first job. I was dreaming you will be enjoying my paychecks. You did, I did spend my first few paychecks for you but not for toys but for meds... I thought you’d also be here when I get married and have kids (but you’ll always be my number 1 baby). 

Today, I woke up extra early with (literally) a heavy heart, a heart that longs for your fluffiness and your pasaway deeds. It’s just after 46 days that I had a chance to write my overflowing sadness. I miss cuddling with you after a long day. I miss the calming smell of your head, our 4 o’clock habit. I miss everything about you. I miss you being around... 

It’s the 9th day of the year and today, I felt the first sadness of the year. What’s with the number 9? That number has always been sad for me. 

I was suppose to sleep this afternoon but I ended up binge-watching the films I just downloaded. The last film I watched is the indie film Mariquina. The characters were full of hatred and pain, you can see in them their struggle to live despite their misery. I am affected. Somehow, I can relate to them. It really changed my mood. Gosh, what has happened to me? I can’t write as good as before. I have a lot to share but I don’t know how. I’ll just write randomly, whatever comes to my mind first. Consider this as an open emotional diary. 

The film was so painful, I was waiting for myself to cry. But I didn’t. I cry easily on films like this, I don’t know what happened now. I just feel sad. Sad. After watching the film, I gave Mallow his supplements first. It’s suppose to be twice a day, I’ll give him his second dose later. I gave him his supplements and after that I went out to light up and look at the stars. We have a beautiful view of the night sky in our house. There’s gentle cool breeze while I was staring at the night sky, trying to look for Jonathan. But I think I totally forgot where it is located. I wish I could locate it again.