Dear Friend,
I know it won't change anything. BUT... I wish you would've called that night or at least messaged me. I hope you knew, you could've come to my house. I wish you would've reached out to me and just talked to me. I regret the last time we met, cause we didn't get to talk much. We were too busy with our troubles and trying to maintain. I understand it, but I wish it were different. I wish I was a better friend.
....
Sometimes I sit and wonder... Like .....were we even friends??? Like.... I ... I really felt like we could talk about anything. I really felt like we could make it! You had me so convinced. I thought we were a team... BUT.. You made an unbelievable choice. An unforgettable decision. A decision that can't be reversed. It can't be undone. You made that decision without me. I understand your reasoning. However, I feel like that was selfish. I wonder if you felt alone... I wonder if you felt alone... right beside me? You inspired me and gave me back my fight! I'm only sorry, I couldn't do the same for you. Goodness! It hurts so much. To think, you probably didn't feel my words when I spoke. You were probably alone, lost in thought, preparing to leave everything behind.
....
I know we were friends. I know we were! I know! All I can do now, is wonder how it all went down in the final hours. Why? What were you thinking? Do you regret it? Did you get what you were hoping for? What didn't you say to me, that you could've? Could I have changed your mind? What could I have done differently? What was your last thought before you committed? Did you really think you had no other options? When did you break? What happened? What drove you overboard? Did I cross your mind? Why won't you come back to answer my questions? Why'd you leave me hanging? After all we been through.... After all we said.... It hurts to think, it wasn't enough to keep you here.
....
Every time you show up in my nightmares... I attempt the impossible, by trying to prevent the inevitable. Sometimes, I'm full of anger and sadness.... So much so, that I'm ready and willing to fight you, cause even though you're there in my dreams, somehow I know the truth. Somehow... I know what you did. Sometimes when I see you, I have this overwhelming feeling, this super strong urge, (almost like an instinct) to make you smile. Everything in my body, tells me to lift your spirits and provide you good energy. No matter what's going on at the moment. No matter how okay you seem. It's like I know you're not okay, and you're not as you seem. That's when I take on the responsibility of knowing what has happened, or what's going to happen, and trying everything in my power to change it. When I try to tell you that you're not really here with me, you never seem to believe me. And when I tell you what you did, or what's going to happen, you always shrug it off and make me feel like I'm crazy. I can never persuade you to believe me. You're consistently trying to convince me that everything is okay, and I'm overreacting. At times I think to myself, "I hope I'm wrong... But just in case what I feel is true, I better do all I can to save you." Sometimes, I don't even have it in me to approach you at all. Sometimes, I can't push myself to tell you. Sometimes, I already know the routine and can't bring myself to go through it again. Sometimes, I start crying uncontrollably, every breath I inhale is quickly sucked from my lungs, causing me desperation as I try to catch my breath. Ironically, you strive to comfort me and reassure me, it's going to be okay.
Wish you were still here... I miss the days you were. It was me and you versus everything else. We were suppose to fight our battles together and make it through together. We were suppose to be the example for all to see, that anything is possible. We were suppose to inspire the world and share our stories. We were suppose to do so much together. All we had to do was fight and have faith that in the future, we won. The dream was created with two people in mind, so it'll be more challenging by myself. Even though you're gone, I will still honor our promises we made to each other.
....
Sincerely, R.I.P.
To all my dead friends.
