lovely

I’m a shit friend. Really. But life is really weird atm.

I have two jobs. Two cars. and.....things aren’t what I wanted. Not yet.

I have two jobs, but I barely make enough to support myself. Whenever I have extra cash I end up getting sick and then use that on medication.

I have two cars, but they are not mine. One has an engine that is about to blow up and the other is about to blow up at the transmission. 

When I’m not working, I’m baby sitting. When I’m not baby sitting I’m sleeping. I squeeze in showers and food...somewhere.

My boyfriend is thinking about joining the army. And I’m dying just thinking about it. I’m bad at all relationships. And if he leaves, I think it would kill me. I can’t follow him anywhere if we’re not married. Which will happen, but not for a while.

And I’m a shit friend.

I need to quit my jobs. I need to find something that works better for me and have bosses that actually care. I’m tired of working my ass off to prove myself and then getting hit in the gut. Don’t applause me for doing well and then NOT put me on the schedule. Do you know what it’s like to have people tell me I should become an optometrist? To tell me that I’ve explained things better to them than most opticians? I feel that I do a really good job. BUT FUCK, CORPORATE AMERICA! Knowledge and understanding means nothing is you don’t sell-sell-sell..

I’m so worn out all the time. And I want to go back to school.

Don’t call yourself blind, unless you are...in fact...blind.

i don't understand people who can read articles about fat shaming and skinny shaming, agree with it and then proceed to start skinny shaming. -_-'

I love this girl, I really do, but I've been on both sides of the spectrum. I'm bee overweight and under weight. I've had people fat shame me and then later skinny shame me. I understand both. Try to have some compassion. Please.

The two are not the same, that is for sure. But that doesn't make one more right than the other.

I am thin. Yes, I am aware. I used to be thinner, and when I was people would tell me to eat more, roll their eyes at me and just be generally rude. When I was fat, things were much more severe. I didn't have friends. People made fun of me. It was just generally unfair. I became the fat kid overnight and everyone poked fun at me.

But again, it's two DIFFERENT things.

Do not say that stores are fat shaming you because they "don't have your size" (unless it's Holister or similar..you're paying for them to criticize you). If they don't have it in stock at the store, maybe it's because they don't have enough of a market in that size. Stores a ALL about making money. If suddenly everyone gained 50-100 pounds, they would start making those sizes to make that money. Don't trust me, just look at the greedy industries.

As difficult as it is for "bigger" girls to find clothing, being thin is not all rainbows and sunshine either. It's honestly, a confidence thing. I have ZERO confidence. I don't like jeans. They look awful on me. You know how hard it is to find size 21 jeans? I have only been able to find one pair of jeans in the past FOUR years. I'm a size 5-9 with odd portioning around my thighs. This comes from my fat days. I can't rid the weight, and I've stopped trying. it's too much work. I'm pretty happy with myself, currently. But I have bowed legs, thicker upper thighs, fat that hangs away from my crotch and causes a disgusting shape. I do have a thigh gap. I do. but this is due to the shape of my legs, NOT my weight. I could gain 25 more pounds and still have a gap. It's not a matter of weight, but BONES. Because of this strangeness in my legs, I'm not confident in wearing leggings or jeans. I spend all day in skirts and dresses. I just don't like my body. I don't like the way my body looks in certain clothes. I love my body enough. They are two different things, but both are about someone being dissatisfied with their/someone else's body. I would be satisfied with mine, if all clothes looked great on me. But they don't.