Wow, where have I been?
I’ve been off tumblr for two years. That’s crazy. Why is it when I feel so extremely depressed that I redownload the app all over again? Weird.
Well what’s up... I know half my followers aren’t even there anymore but I need to vent.
I’ve not felt this depressed in years. I’m kind of scared. I look back on all the things I was going through and never can compare to what I’m going through now.
I’ve never been so unstable until now. I’m 22 years old now and my life is so hard. A few months ago I decided to move to Florida from Illinois to really put my makeup career into full swing. Little did i know that i would go the first two months without any jobs hiring me. I get that i have teal hair, piercings and tattoos but that doesn’t stop me from giving the best customers service. I’ve never had an issue getting a job until coming down here. Move forward to today I now currently work as the Lead of Service at Forever 21. Not at all what I wanna be doing but it will get me experience until i get back on my grind in full makeup mode. It’s not even making enough money so on my days off I’m i wrong all day trying to make sure i don’t go homeless. It is draining me mentally and physically and I just wanna get out of that job so bad. I’m not doing makeup at all and it sucks. I miss making people feel and realize their true inner and outer beauty. I’ve applied to several salons and I’ve only got 1 interview. I hope and dream I’ll get this job to get me back in my environment.
Secondly, moving to Florida I left everything behind. My family, my furniture, my friends. I came down here with my girl, a new car and our puppy. I am tired of sleeping on an air mattress. I am tired of living in a run down apartment that is infested with bugs. I know things don’t matter I just don’t feel comfortable in my own home. I don’t ever feel clean in my house. Back home my apartment was covered in dream catchers, tapestry’s and soft blankets. It felt so zen. Here, I feel so paranoid. I feel like I need to wash my sheets every day. Living in this condition makes me less confident in myself cause i never feel clean enough.
Which brings me to the biggest thing on my mind. Self confidence. It’s something I’ve always struggled with but since moving here my eating disorder has been spiraling. I’ve gained so much weight and I am the heaviest I’ve ever been. I can’t look in the mirror. I don’t wanna hang out with friends. I don’t want to have sex with my girlfriend. I’ve lost weight before why can’t I do it now? Why can’t I do it for myself? I owe myself that relief but why is it so hard? My low self esteem is messing with a lot of other things to. Like my relationship for instance. I don’t love myself so how is she supposed to love me? She fell in love with my confidence i had back when I did lose all the weight. She has seen me go into this deepening depression and can’t look at me the same. She nearly broke up with me last week. If i didn’t tell her what was going on I would have lost her. She is all I have down here in Florida. I’m at a point where I feel so lost that I don’t know where to go. What do I do?
