The mutual need for curiosity before the repair when feeling hurt or resentful toward another person
I have therapy in roughly an hour, and I've been reflecting on how having this blog to vent and express myself has improved my mental health and confidence in myself.
While I know there have been very upsetting people in my life, there have also been people who weren't "bad" people (whatever that means - I guess, people who weren't intentionally hurting me) in my life who I simply didn't get along with.
One of the reasons I usually feel so hurt in this world, whether or not I'm in an abusive situation, is that I chronically don't feel heard, understood, and validated in my connection to another person or task.
And, since I used to mask and people-please, my hurt came out as getting very sick, reactive defensiveness, emotional distress, pent-up anger, or a big breakup/disconnect.
It's not like I didn't try to repair those connections, but it is hard to repair when you feel invalidated.
This is a hard lesson I've been learning and understanding over the years. I need to tell people I feel hurt and ask them to figure it out with me. While I do try to be very mindful of this, I also need to help my partners, friends, and family feel validated when they feel hurt instead of jumping into an explanation, saying that I didn't intend it (even if that's true), being defensive in some way, or shutting down.
My hurt isn't necessarily about the other person—it's about me. It's worth figuring out where it's coming from and what those feelings are responding to. I might make mistakes while figuring this out, but I owe it to myself to allow myself to feel and help myself accordingly.
While I can help and listen to another person's hurt—even apologize and make a change—I do not need to shoulder their resentment and take it as shame. I may disagree with their reasoning if they make claims about my character, but I can be curious as to why they're feeling the way they're feeling. And if it is a behavior that I did that led to their hurt, I can address that behavior directly. I can apologize for that behavior. I can talk about it with them and ask if it is possible to change that behavior or prevent that behavior (sometimes, if the behavior has to do with my disability to do something, like a household chore, then I may need more help... I may need to be honest with what I can or cannot do). I can understand if they don't feel safe with me. I can be curious and respect someone's boundaries if they choose to protect themselves. I'm going to try to be more and more mindful of this.
