૮꒰ alonelyartist’s cafe ꒱ა

The train’s quiet hum is all that fills your mind as you lean against the window. The scenary of your hometown passing you by in a blur as the train only speeds away. It’s speeding without a care for how much you want to run back. How much you need to go back.

Your head rests against the plush cushion of the train seat. The seats besides you are all empty. Most others sitting with friends or family. The only thing you have to console you is music.

A sample of a song you have been working on in your time at Kamakura, plays through your headphones. The familiar beat and melody of the music makes you hum. Besides you lay an open note book. One to write lyrics in.

The page that it is open to is blank. A clean white sheet of paper. It taunts you. It begs you to think of silly little love songs that you’ll one day perform. Yet, you can’t think of love right now.

Or rather - you can’t verbalize your love.

A dull ache remains in your heart as you look outside the window. A clutch on your heart so strong you need to write something. Yet what do you write? How do you write about something that occurs so often it becomes your new normal?

It’s an ache that you’ve always turned into hopeful wishes. Long far fetched fantasies between you and the boy who hold your heart in his hands. Stories about how he’d look at your with his brilliant green eyes and kiss you. Tales that are the basis to your songs.

Your lips part as you stare at the blue seat in front of you. For, no silly thoughts even attempt to appear in your mind. Your fist clenches around your pen as you sigh. All you can do is remember.

You should’ve expected this. After all you’ve spent the last few weeks running around your old neighbour hood like a kid again. Yet, you aren’t expecting to be haunted by a single memory over and over again. A single stupid memory.

You shake your head. You don’t want to constantly think about the past and your mistakes and past relations. Yet, you can’t not. How can you when everything reminds you of him?

You put down the pink pen that you hold in your hand. It certainly isn’t helping your case that your pen is the same colour of his hair. His gorgeous magenta hair. You can still envision it now.

Stop it. You told yourself you wouldn’t think of him. You can’t continue thinking of him. You’re on your way to university. To your new life overseas. You swear to yourself now; that you’ll leave all your past mistakes back with your hometown.

You look outside your window. You’ve give up on the notion on thinking about a new song. Perhaps what you need is inspiration. Inspiration that may strike in the world outside.

Yet, all you notice is the speed of the train. People passing into a blur. You’d never imagine going this fast as a little kid. The fastest you ever thought you could go was how fast you were that faithful night.

That night, the two of you were running. Strong winds pushing against your hair as you both shouted at each other to keep going. The buildings - still illuminated at this late hour - blurred past as you both ran. Your laughter contagious.

Your eyes were still red from crying. Your voice slightly hoarse. Yet neither of you two cared. All you needed to do was run.

That night was cool. The cold wind making your shiver as you both ran against the coast. Yet, neither of you were wearing thick jackets. Rather you were in a random shirt and pants and he was in his pyjamas.

Amidst the chilling night, there was one source of warmth. His hand. His soft warm hand that slipped into yours as you both slowed into a walk. A hand that squeezed yours.

“You’re so slow,” Sae comments as he punches your arm. A small smirk appearing on his face as he jerks his head at you. “So tepid,”

You roll your eyes in response. The loud crashes of the wave obscured the way you both laughed. Your footsteps slowly falling back into the rhythm of each other. A beat both of you were familiar with.

Your hand squeezes his as you both walk on the path by the beach. On his left were the occasional cars or traffic. Perhaps you both would pass a drunk salaryman. But - other than that - you two were alone.

Silence falls over you both. A quiet peace between the both of you as words neither of you want to say fall over each other. The echoes of your cries were washed away. Neither of you could hardly remember the video call you both had shared.

For that video call was one of many. One of the many were you cried to him about regret, not understanding the present, not knowing where to go next. One of many where he listened. It was one of many video calls that ended with you both meeting up and running around Kamakura till both of you were too tired to keep going.

“Hey let’s go there,” Sae pointed towards a brightly illuminated store. With large signs and an icon colour palette. A convenience store.

You nod your head as his hand tugs you towards the store. Quick padding of your feet echos. Short bickering and conversations ensue between you both as your arms end linked around each other. A smile wide on your face.

The bright lights of the store momentarily blind you both as you walked in. You mindlessly follow Sae as he drags you towards the freezers. He tugged your hand tight. Your eyes finally adjusting to the light.

Sae pushed a cold plastics into your hand. The sudden shocking you. Your hand shivers slightly as you turned the ice popsicle in your hand. You stare at the bright white lettering.

“I always lose with these popsicles,” Sae mentions as you both look for the winning popsicle. His hand still lingering in yours. “I think it’s rigged,”

You rolled your eyes at his comment as you lightly shoved him. He shook his head; picking up a new packet. His lips pursed as he debated the success of this stick. You offered him a new packet as he took both in his hands.

“Rin would love these,” his voice trailed off at the mention of his younger brother. His eyes softened. A small smile evident on his face.

“Oh speaking of rin,” you began; looking for your own popsicle. “Why isn’t he with us? Didn’t he complain last time that you kept leaving without him?”

“Oh I’m grounded,” Sae said blatantly. He shrugged as you both walk towards the cash register. “Rin broke his toys again and I took the blame so now I’m meant to be ‘isolated in my room’ while Rin sleeps with my parents,”

Your mouth was left in an o-shape as you both move to pay. Sae was always like that. He’s always take the blame and deal with the consequences later. He says he understands Rin and doesn’t want him to be in trouble.

It always baffled you.

Even now, as your readjust yourself in your chair. You never really understood why Sae would do any of that. Why suffer for the sake of others? It’s something that makes your lips purse in confusion.

Your eyes flicker to roof as a robotic voice speaks. Announcing the need to changes lines. You mouth dries as you lean your head back. Lips press together.

The blank pages taunt you. A reminder of what you set out to do. Yet, the snap of the book reminds you of what is yet to be written. You watch as the cover of the notebook slips into your bag.

You gaze outside, the scenery feeling faintly familiar. Structures and buildings close enough to your hometown is all you see as you get ready to disembark. Your fingers curl around your baggage as the train slows a stop. The once blurry scenery now clear.

Your push yourself from your seat. You queue behind unfamiliar faces to get off the train. Chatter surrounding you as you land on the platform. Your eyes searching for directions.

A vague arrow along with a sign to your next platform is what got you moving once more. You pass by twist and turns; trying to keep your eye on the direction ahead. Yet, floors are soon covered with feet and your motions controlled by the shove of other people. Your chest tightening at the onslaught.

You want to go back. Back to the solitude of the train. Back to the quiet station. Back to your room. Yet, here you are. Your back pressing against at least four other strangers as you try to find the white sign.

You push through the crowd. Seeing a vaguely similar number. The loud chatter and rolls of a train have you running through the station. A familiar automated voice speaking over head.

Your suitcase rolls against the ground as your stumble onto a new platform. Your hand curling it. The absence of a train worries you slightly as you take a step back. You watch as other trains pass by, yet none of them are right to get on. Your lips press together.

Before they part in realization.

You take a step. Your chest tightens. Your eyes widening. You check your ticket once more. Curses leaving your lips. Your feet pushing against the ground as you go back into the station.

You pant as questions circle your mind. How could this happen? You had already prepared the route in your head last night? Didn’t you follow the sign?

That stupid villainous sign. It continuous to hang overhead as it points aimlessly ahead. It gives the illusion of a helping hand. Yet, here you are – stranded.

You push through crowds of people who push against you. They try dragging you forwards once more, yet you weave past them. You’re trying to avoid a repeat. Another mistake. Another memory to regret.

But, you aren’t very good at that.

For as you feet finally land on your platform - you watch as the end of the train leaves your vision. A strong blow of wind pushing your hair to the side. You take a step back. Your hands releasing their tight grip on the luggage.

You almost want to laugh. Of course this would happen. You parents had warned you; saying you’d mess up somehow when living abroad. Little did they know you’d get lost before even arriving to the airport.

The roll of your suitcase feels dejected as you move to stand by the side. You watch as clocks tick by. Your hands fiddling with each other. Your mouth dries up as you try to figure out what to do next.

You look down at your watch. You aren’t going to miss you flight. You might be cutting it close for time - but it’s doable.

A small smile breaks onto your face. If you’d never met him, you’d be late by now. If you’d never met him, you’d be crying to your parents to come pick you up. If you’d never met Sae, you wouldn’t have the luxury of sitting down and opening up your book.

Your eyes gaze over precious lyrics you’ve written. Your shoulders relax as you stumble upon one song. One song that still makes you smile. One that makes you feel like a dumb middle school kid again.

The song in question was a present.

Your hands were antsy. You tried to calm your breathing - yet to know avail. You grip your phone in your hand as you watch Sae bid his goodbyes to his parents.

He was glowing. His smile was almost contagious. His green eyes shone as he joked with his brother. His head leaned against his younger brother shoulder as he pulled him in tight.

He had the time to spare. Sae always tried to get to the airport early - just to prepare. Yet, this time, the clock seemed to be pushing a bit faster. For before long there was only a few minutes left.

Your fingers clenched harder around your phone. Your heart pounding against your chest. Your mouth feels dry. It’s all too unfamiliar to you.

The sight of Sae walking towards felt unfamiliar. The roll of his own luggage felt unfamiliar. The way his smile wavered as he stands before you was unfamiliar. Your heart almost leapt out as he clears his throat.

“Hey,” he said simply. You almost started crying. His voice was unusually calm as he greeted you again.

“You better buy me something when you come back,” you tell him, your voice wavering. His smile slowly leaving his face. “Buy the most expensive thing you can find in Madrid”

He rolls his eyes. He punches your arm slightly; with a bit more force than both of you were used to. Then again, everything felt a bit more painful than you two were used to.

“Yeah and by the time I’m back I’m expecting a golden crown,” silence falls over the both of you. There was too much that wanted to be said. Too much that needed to be said. Yet, you both were worried that once those words were uttered it would be goodbye.

It’s stupid. He wasn’t dying. He was just moving away - to the other side of the world. He’d be back soon enough. To visit his home. To visit family. To visit you.

“You promised you wouldn’t cry,” he whispered out. Low enough only for you two to hear. “If you cry, then I’ll cry and I don’t want Rin to see me crying,”

You laugh as you blink away the forming tears. Your shoulders relaxing as you take a final look at Sae. The way his bangs nearly touch his eyes. The way his eyes shined as he mentions Rin. The way his hands clasp around his luggage worriedly. It was too familiar.

Before you knew it, his arms wrapped around your back. His face pressed against your shoulder. His hair brushing against your neck. You lean back against him as you held him close.

The warmth from his body pressed against you. His breathing slowed down as his heartbeat only got louder. Your hands gripping his shirt even more. Before his arms loosen around you.

You wished you held on a little tighter. You wished you pulled him closer. You wished that you didn’t let him go. But, you did.

He had a future waiting for him. A future that involved you both living across the planet from each other. Neither of you particularly liked it. But, as his mom informed you both that he had to go, you had no choice but to let go from the hug.

You stared as he turned his back to you. You stood beside Rin. The little boy who stood closer to you than needed. Your hands squeezing the phone in your hand.

You had nearly forgotten. You unlocked your phone and sent a single file to Sae. A single audio recording. A single song.

“Sae!” you called out just before he left your vision. He turned to see you pointing at your phone. In response he checked his own device and saw a notification come through.

He flashed a smile at you before waving off once more. His teeth flashing at you as he turns around. His tuff of pink hair being the last thing you saw. The last thing you saw before your first love left you.

The song you gave him was a love song. The first of the many you’ll find yourself writing. Yet, this song described little moments. Every hand hold, every shared laugh, every shared moment together.

You find yourself chuckling as you reread the lyrics. They’re corny. Yet, you remember spending hours recording each instrument until it sounds just like how chaotic your heart felt when you saw him. You press your lips together as you slowly close the book.

You stand up from your squat on the ground before evaluating your situation. Your legs ache. Your eyes readjusting to unfocus from the notebook. The light chatter of people wake you up from your daze.

Your fingers curling around your suitcase as wind pushes your hair. The rush of the train makes you look up. Before long you are faced with the sleek train.

You take a step onto the fairly empty train. You sit down on the plush chairs. Your head resting against the headrest of the chair. It’s familiar.

You pull out your notebook once more. The same pink pen in your hand as more people file into the train. But, instead of staring at a blank page, you turn to your past songs. Past melodies and lyrics.

The cool air from the air conditioning hits your face as you flick through various songs. You quietly remember the different genre each song tried to emulate. The different proses. The different symbolism. Yet, everything goes back to the same boy.

Sae.

You almost want to laugh. Most of your memories don’t even have him in them. If anything you spent more time with his younger brother. Yet, he has always been a presence in your mind.

Maybe it was the way he smiled at you. The way his hugs always last a bit longer than you’d like. The way he let himself got in trouble constantly. Maybe it’s due to his rebellious nature.

Yet, the boy that stole your heart at 14, still holds it tightly in his arms.

You sigh. Your head thumping against the back of the chair. You close your eyes as that dumb automatic voice announces the departure of the train.

You can imagine people saying goodbye to their homes. They’re bidding their childhoods goodbye. They’re leaving all they’ve ever known. You are too after all.

However, instead of sadness, all you feel is the need to squeeze your pen harder. You bite your tongue. You almost want to throw your notebook out the window. However, you instead settle for slipping it back into your bag.

You hear the familiar zipper. You sigh as you stare at the mess of your bag. However - you can bring to the self to sort it out. Instead you push aside a few items to make space. You push aside chargers, a pencil case and finally a scarf.

A scarf. You look at the fabric in your hand. Your eyes lingering on it. You pull it out of your bag and lay it on your lap. The fabric feeling as soft as it did then. What were you thinking when you packed this?

Is it cold in Madrid?

That’s what you thought back then too. As you held the scarf in your hands. It was a pale teal. With little hearts littering the design.

You were sitting on the edge of your bed as your feet swung back and forth. Your phone felt unusually heavy in your hands as the buzzing of your phone ring echoed in your room. A yawn left your lips. You leaned against your bed frame.

Your parents weren’t home. They were out at some work party you couldn’t bring yourself to care about. What you did care was the fact you’d have the house to yourself. A space for you to make noise. A space for you to stay up.

A space for you to call your boyfriend.

Due to time differences and his insane schedule, calls had become stories of the past. You could barely recall his voice. However, this was your chance. You chance to talk to him again. Your chance to reconnect. Maybe, this could be your chance to apologize.

You held the scarf closer to you as your phone continues to buzz. You squeezed the fabric in your hands. Maybe you should’ve waited? Perhaps it would’ve been smarter to wait for a text back before calling him.

Your finger lingered over the red button. The reflection of the light glowed against your thumb. You had let the phone ring out a bit longer. Your heart pounded against your chest; disappointment creeped into your mind once more.

“Sorry”

Your eyes flickered to the screen as his voice echoed out instead. The faint chatter in a foreign language disappeared as the slam of the door was heard. You heard him sigh. Before the request for a video call appeared on your screen.

He looked tired. That’s all you could think of as you were presented with his face. His skin shone from the sweat that reflected of it. His bangs were slicked back. His teal green eyes soften as you slowly entered his vision.

“What is it?” He asks. His voice hurried and deeper than you last recalled. Your response died on your throat as he tilted his head towards his wrist. “I don’t have much time I need to go back to training,”

“Oh,” that was the only sound that left your lips as he looked back at you. His eyebags more prominent as he turned his head. His eyes brows scrunched up as he waited for you to continue.

“Well, I wrote a new song and released it today an-“

Your words died as he sighed. His eyes looked over the screen, not daring to meet yours. His lips pale as he pressed them together. He shook his head.

“Another tepid song?” He asked. He wasn’t even trying to pretend he wasn’t annoyed. “Another song about you praising me and making up lukewarm lies? Don’t you have better things to write about?”

“I’m n-“

“I swear it’s the same song over and over again,” his voice got louder now. He looked at you as he shook his head. “You talk about how I changed your life or some stupid fairytale story. Grow up”

“What are you trying t-“

“Just shut up will you?” His voice was monotoned now. His teal eyes were dull. He sighs as he repeats the script he had been telling you for the past few days.

You honestly can’t remember when this argument started. You had finally released an album you’d been working on. You didn’t mean to write about him. You just did.

However, a few texts and voice messages later, he was almost at your throat. Insults about your lyrics. Accusations thrown at you. Moments of silences that felt louder than your songs themselves.

Silences that mimicked the one that had consumed you both. He sighed once more as you finally shut up. His hold on his phone shaky as neither of you spoke a word. The silence that had consumed you was one Sae despised.

“Who are you even singing about?” His question lingered. The answer seemed obvious to you - him of course. But, he continued before you could respond. “The boy who saved your life? The boy who made the game fun? When have I ever saved your dumb life?”

“Every day Sae,” you tried to reason. Your voice cracking as you talk. Yet, how were you meant to reason with a deaf man?

“You’re so stupid,” he insults you once more. Despite the frequency of these words, the feel your heart tighten with each one. “I don’t know who the hell you’re talking about but it’s stupid that you focus your life on them and not a h-“

“I’m writing about you Sae”

He lifts his eyebrow at you as he listens to the change in your tone. Your brush your hand over your hair as you look at him through the digital screen. Your throat hoarse. Yet, you couldn’t bring yourself to lower your volume.

“I’m writing about you Sae, can’t you see that?” Your vojce cracks. Your heart pounding in your ears. “You made everything easier Sae, who else would I be writing about? Of course I’d writing about you, you’re what I look forward to everyday. I write about you because I remember you in everything I do. I love yo-“

“Then forget me,”

The words lingered as he rolled his eyes. It’s as though what he said was the logical next step. Forget him. He made it sound like it was obvious.

“If you write about ‘me’ because you remember me, then just forget me,” he says flatly. He shrugs as you’re sit there staring at the screen. Your mouth parting as the words repeat in your mind.

However, he took your silence as a sign to leave. Your eyes blurred as the final flash of his annoyed face left your vision. The sight before you being replaced with your messages. Your chest tightens as you type out a message. A plead. A beg. Anything.

Yet, the messages doesn’t go through. No matter how many you send. You try calling him to no avail. A sob got stuck in your throat as nothing worked.

Your legs curled up into yourself as you let your body shake. Your held yourself tight as the room started to feel larger than before. Your hand grasp each other as no one was around to hold them for you. The tears that fell next were expected.

Your face turned damp as you let yourself cry. You laid your body down as you tried to forget him - try to do him one last favour. But all that replayed in your mind was his tired eyes. His exhausted tired eyes. Eyes that could barely meet yours as he said those three cruel words to you.

Now, as you look back on that event, all you feel is pity. Pity for your past self thinking they could overcome challenges you still face. Pity for your 17 year old self for thinking you could forget him. Pity for yourself, since you never got to give him the scarf that sits in your hands.

The blur of the world outside the train goes ignored as you lay the scarf on your lap. You reopen your notebook; flipping to the closest new page. Your hold on your pen tightens. A small smile appearing on your face.

It’s been a year. A year since you last called him. Yet, you could never keep your promise. Every song written after that call turned into yearning, begging, pleading for him.

You couldn’t forget him.

Yet, it’s been a year. You’re finally an adult now. You’re a few hours away from stepping foot in a foreign country alone. You’re growing up.

So, perhaps it’s time to let go off him. Let go off your silly high school lover. To finally be able to acknowledge him as a distance past mistake. To forget him.

You promise yourself, that this will be your final song to him. Your final call. One last message you hope he receives before you find something new in your life. A final song to end this chapter of your life.

The melody flows as you begin writing lyrics. Your feet tapping the beat of the song as you write notes. Your cross out words before replacing them with rhyming tunes. Your lips part as your stare at the completed verse before you.

The slow rumble of the train slowly disappear from your hearing. You barely feel the lack of warmth from the other chairs. The familiar Japanese scenery outside blurs as you continue to move on. For the only thing you are looking at now is the words before you.

You barely realize you had come to your stop until the familiar automated voice announces it. You hold the scarf and book in your hands as you leave the train. Your footsteps echoing as you arrive at the airport.

People around you seem filled with regret. Either the longing to stay on vacation for longer, or the want to stay home for a few more minutes. However, you can’t bring yourself to feel the same way. Instead, all you can think about is your new song.

The premise of the song is simple. It’s a summary of your love. A retelling of the life you had to live with. A confession of your mistakes and foolish decision.

But, most of all, it’s an apology.

An apology for not squeezing his hand tighter on your late night walks. An apology for not holding him closer. But most of all, an apology for not being there for him.

He was scared wasn’t he? Scared to be alone in a different country. Scared he wasn’t what the press had written about him. Scared he wasn’t what you had written about him.

You doubt he wanted to break you heart. He just wanted you to stop. Stop creating a boy he thought didn’t exist anymore. You’re sorry that you continued to.

Your shoulders seem to relax as you walk towards the check in. Your steps falling into beat. You’re willing to let go off all your regrets now as you identify the entrance. Finally ready to forget him.

That’s why, when you get a look at a familiar tuff of pink hair, you walk away. Your heart doesn’t even ache when you realize who you saw. All you do is walk away and join the queue.

For, you’ve grown haven’t you? You’ve grown enough to walk away from him, from your past, from everything that kept you grounded. You’ve grown enough to stand tall alone. You’ve grown enough to be able to apologize. If Sae could hear your thoughts; you’re sorry.

You’re sorry for loving him when he didn’t want to be loved at all.

“Sae isn’t tha-“

“shut up”

…

————————————————————————

Bllk Taglist: open

Sae specific taglist: open

Heavy serenade taglist: open

I had so much fun drawing this peice. There’s so many little Easter eggs!!! Such as the cloth she is laying on is Senku’s cape, her eye has a reflection of Senku and yeah! I don’t usually draw in this style so it’s quite fun being able to experiment with different ways of drawing familiar faces. Anyways I know most of you are really here for the silly sketches I drew with my foot so here you go!