Almost Royal

daleksrus asks:

Dear Poppy. How do you deal with socially awkward people?

Poppy says:

An important question, dinkysaurus. The true goal of etiquette, of course, is to make everyone feel comfortable, even if they don’t know the ‘rules’. That’s why it’s important to loudly call attention to people when they do something wrong, because I’m only comfortable when everyone knows the rules.

I’ve developed some tips for specific awkward situations:

When someone is accidentally insulting: It’s especially uncomfortable when someone doesn’t realize their comments have offended or insulted, because this makes it harder to parse the intentional insults, and thus robs them of their social value. Kindly take the insulting person aside and explain the full meaning of what they just said. Remind them not to interrupt you (they will definitely try) and not to apologize to the insulted party. As with all situations, apologies only make things worse. If you feel especially generous, offer to let them run all future conversation by you, for a fee.

When someone is overly shy: I sympathize with this, as I am a shy and retiring figure, only you wouldn’t notice because I’m so exuberant and outgoing. Occasionally you will make friends with someone too shy to speak up, or make eye contact, or come to karaoke with you even when they’re just a taxi driver and are very lucky you decided to bring them along for a laugh. When dealing with such shy people, first come down to their energy level. Speak very quietly and look down at their feet. Then when you bring your voice up to a shout, and stare into their eyes, everything you say will come in loud and clear.

When someone misinterprets a pity invitation: We’ve all had it happen: You throw a party and everyone you invited shows up. Horrible! Find the people who weren’t really supposed to come, gather them into an auxiliary room, and gently explain that they should have picked up on the tone of the invitation. Point out that they weren’t invited to your last party, which they must have learned about when reading Facebook the next morning. Assure them that there are no hard feelings, so long as they leave quietly through the side door. Be generous and give them a stiff drink to go, especially if they have a long drive home ahead of them.

tmpridgeon asks:

If a woman is wearing a plunging neckline, what is the acceptable level of attention allowed there in high society? None? Two seconds? Face plant?

Poppy answers:

This is a tricky question, temperpigeon. If you’re a man, it’s terribly rude to look at a lady’s décolletage. (It’s not called ‘cleavage’ unless she lives in a rental.) A plunging neckline is intended as a subtle hint at a woman’s beauty, and it is a man’s duty to let his eyes flit about it, like a gnat flitting about a painting of the Mona Lisa.

For a woman, however, it is occasionally in good taste to stare. Women are born with good intentions and superior desires. And sometimes you just have to make it clear that someone has gone too far and should really go home and change. And how do you do that without a good glare, right down the crevice?

I really do want to know. I’ve tried wagging my eyebrows and miming, ‘hike it up, you’re spilling over like a frozen margarita’, but she thought I was asking for a dance. I had to do the Humpty with her for twenty minutes to save face.

cuppateawithmoriarty asks:

How can one avoid ending up like Tabitha?

Poppy says:

An excellent question, coupleoftwitsparty. Thankfully no one is quite like Tabitha, unless Hugo is hiding more secret affairs from me, which would be JUST LIKE HIM ACTUALLY, so I’m making a note of that. I'll be honest coupleoftwitsparty, I think it is very insensitive of you to go on about Hugo after what he did to me. I don't know why you would mention him. However, I'll forgive you on this occasion as you are probably American and can't help yourself, poor thing. 

The first step is to be born with a better face than hers. Tabitha’s face is like those paintings, the kind that got popular in the 1900s where each bit is going in its own direction like a pack of cats. The nose points to the side and the eyes are looking away from each other and the mouth is the scary kind of smile Mummy makes when the vicar visits.

Second, get an education. Tabitha did so poorly at school that she was worthless to cheat off in exams, especially if her hand blocked some of the answers so you just had to guess.

Third, do something proper with your life. Tabitha tried her hand at several roles in society and only now, an entire year older than me, has she gotten herself together enough to be my interim personal assistant. Where meanwhile I have started over a dozen businesses, three of which I’ve even picked names for.

That’s all for now, not because that’s all of Tabitha’s faults but because it’s all the ones I can think of without getting so depressed that I can only eat oysters and peppermint ice cream for the rest of the week.

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