Charlie's mailbox

I'm in love.

Today I thought about dying. A lot. I don't think I could kill myself, but I did want to die. I think I am a problem to most people, or I simply don't matter. I wanted to stop being a problem to them. It's not about what they did to me, but about what I do to them. Especially my mom. I think she would be so much happier if she had never had me. I never make her happy and I'm sure she is not proud of me. I wanted to die. I got up to drink some water and when I came back to the living room I couldn't see my brother. I looked in his room and in the bathroom, he wasn't there. When I got in my room, he was on my bed under my blankets hiding from me. I pretended I didn't see him and let him think he scared me. He laughed so hard and so loud and that laughter felt like a river running through my veins and bringing me back to life. I thought 'this laughter is the reason why I'm still here' and I realized it's worth living. I'm not infinite today, but my brother is.

Hey Charlie, This is the first time I write to you this year. Actually, it's the first time I write to you in a long time. Work's been great! I'm very happy and it gets better each day. I have a new friend too, his name is Jordy and talking to him makes me feel good. My birthday is on Friday, in 5 days. You know how much I freak out when it's my birthday. It didn't happen last year. This year I invited my friends to go out with me and I was so excited about it, but now I just want to cancel it and stay home like I always do. There's also this guy who has the name of a country. I like him. I truly do. We're so synced! But he's slow. I feel like he doesn't want me as much as I want him. That was okay at first, but it's starting to bother me. I don't want to give up on him because this is the first time I feel this way about someone who actually lives in my city. I don't want a relationship or anything, I just want to enjoy this feeling. Last but not least, there's this Belgian guy again. He promised he would stay single until we meet. He really wants to meet me and so do I him. I like him. I believe in us. With or without them, I am infinite. But I've had too much of myself and I just wish I was good at sharing. Even infinity is limited.

This hunger for languages never ends. It gets stronger and stronger. The fact that I can’t talk about my feelings to anyone is hurting me. I need to get it off my chest. Just the idea of doing so creeps the hell out of me, though. I believe I need languages because I need a way out. I need to escape from myself. I can only express myself in a foreign language, never in Portuguese. But it never feels honest enough when I don’t do it in my own language. So I’m always searching for a language that will give me what I need.

Já não tenho mais tanta certeza de quão forte são os elos que me conectam ao universo e seu devido tempo. Achei que pudesse estar à frente do relógio. Eu, ingênua, pensei que estar à frente do tempo era estar à frente do homem. Não à frente do indivíduo, mas da humanidade. Funcionou por certo tempo. Devaneei tanto no futuro que nem sei mais se o mesmo existe. Hoje, devanear em qualquer coisa é tortura. Tentei estabelecer conexão com um segundo plano, mas não recebi resposta. Ele tenta me dizer algo, eu sei. Mas não consigo descobrir o que é. Eu não quero descobrir o que é - no entanto, existe em mim algo que vai além do eu, que me foge do controle, que é mais eu do que eu mesma, mas eu mesma não o conheço; e esse eu tem desejos perigosos. Esse eu bateu em mim para me preparar para futuras surras de uma terceira pessoa externa à situação. Nunca precisei de surras. Nunca me dei a chance de levá-las. Hoje algo me dói. Tentei culpar algo, alguém. Fui ao tribunal. Todos inocentes. Eu fiz isso. Quem sou eu? Quem é esse obscuro que está em mim? É fruto da humanidade ou de um plano inalcançável? É um mal comum a todos os homens, ou está presente e vivo em cada universo paralelo que está sujeito ao indivíduo? Eu mesma não quero descobrir, mas William Wilson, o Outro, o Cisne Negro, o Borges de 20 anos à frente, quer.

Saudade.

Dear Charlie, 13/01/2016 I might start posting pictures along with the texts. I'm not sure, though. Anyways, I'm very happy. I have nothing to complain about. You know, Charlie, sometimes it hurts to cut people off your life - but after a while, you might feel like you've cleaned the area. That's how I feel right now. As to school, I think I'm doing just fine. I am thankful for everything I've learnt and I don't think the numbers which represent my grade will matter that much. I know I did my best. Well, not my best, but I know my soul and my mind developed throughout the semester. That's good enough to me. In fact, it couldn't be better: it makes me feel infinite. Oh, Wuthering heights is my favourite book.

Do you remember when Charlie broke up with me and I told you that I could put my walls up as quickly as they could tear them down? That’s still true. Well, Charlie took quite a long time to be able to tear them down and I took a long time to put them back up as well, but not a minute longer. Well, some of my walls, not most of them, but some of them were torn down today. You know I learnt a lot from my experience with Charlie, and one thing I was taught is that I shouldn’t keep my feelings for myself, so I said everything I needed to say. I got it off my chest and you know what? I feel a lot better now. Butterflies can’t fly high if they’re carry heavy stuff, Charlie. I don’t know if my feelings for Tyler were too heavy or if Tyler himself is way too much for me. I also don’t know if I still want to be with him again because I feel like I’m watching the same movie over and over again - and this movie sucks. I’m not sad. I was, at first. But not anymore. Maybe it was even better that way, cause now I know he was never worth it. And now, Charlie, with or without Tyler, I am ready to fly. I feel infinite.

This is my last letter of the year. This was a very important year to me in many ways. A very good one as well, no doubt. I changed a lot. I’m not sure if my change was good, but I certainly feel better about myself. I feel like I’m finally in my area, like I’ve found my centre of peace. I am in peace with myself like I’ve never been before, but I keep failing at passing it on. It’s ok, I won’t stop trying. Yoda was smart when he said that there is no try, but this is no Coruscant or Tatooine. This isn’t a galaxy far away. I think that’s not how things work in this freaky place we call the Earth. Where I come from, Charlie, trying is never enough - and most people who can do something right have had a few failed trials. Well, I am glad I am beginning a new year and I still have you with me. All kids grow up, except one. I am infinite.

I was taught that girls are princesses locked in a tower waiting for their prince to set them free. Then two years ago I told you I had found out that love was the tower and we should climb it with the right person otherwise they'd let us fall and it would hurt. Well, I have a different point of view now. I think happiness is the tower and I am strong to climb it by myself. When I reach the top, I may or may not find company, but I don't need help climbing it and I shouldn't. You know, Charlie, many people think they have to hold somebody else's hand to climb their happiness tower - and that's why they're unhappy. We're all capable of doing it alone. I wish they knew it.

Today I'm finally getting back to both work & school, I am so excited about it. I feel a lot better about my situation with the Canadian guy, by the way. I am very happy I'm going back to school, I miss studying. Studying is what keeps me alive, it's what makes me happy when everything else goes wrong. It's my motivation. I love my school and all my classes. I sound like a nerd it's 3am I gotta go

I will delete any pictures I post

I wish I could draw my feelings, but I suck at drawing. So here I am, once again, trying to use words as a way out when my tears aren’t enough. I went to Canada and spent a week there, I met this amazing man, we had a lot of fun together, but now I am back to Brazil. I know you’ve heard that story before, but it’s different this time. Well, it’s always different. I know I should have learnt a lesson. But what’s the lesson, after all? I mean, I knew it was dangerous to have nice moments with someone who’s so far away. I knew the risk I was taking. I knew it would hurt in the end. And it did, Charlie. It hurt and it still does. I can’t think of a way to make it better. Trying to see people who live here? Bleh. I don’t want a romance anymore. I don’t want a love story, I don’t want kisses and cuddling - I want HIM. That’s the problem. Was it worth having so much fun with him even though I was going to be hurt after the end? Yes, it was. It always is. I only have good memories of us together. That’s what counts, I guess. I know it’s going to be tough now, but it’s okay. Charlie, he told me this is not the end, this is the beginning for us. I want to believe that. I know it may take a long time, but I want to see him again. I don’t want this to end now. It’s so hard to keep the fire burning when we’re so far away though. I don’t know what I’m gonna do and I don’t think I have to do something right now. I’ll just wait. Love, Deborah

Yesterday I found the chapters of a book I started to write in Feb/2014 and I got shocked. I mention so many details in those chapters but I don't remember any of them. I really wanted to continue writing that book, but I'm not sure if I remember enough to do so. Plus, if I actually finish it, I'll give it a totally different atmosphere. The original idea was to write a romance between Charlie and me, but in the end I would end up dating my friend (fwb). That sounds cliche, I know, but I'd find a way to make it more original. My ex Charlie made me feel infinite and when we broke up I thought I'd take a while to find someone who could make me feel infinite again. Well, I was right. I took almost two years until I finally found...myself. You know, Charlie, girls in the books and films usually find a good boy that helps them get over the bad one. The bad guy hurts them and they have that good friend who are there for them, so they realise the good guy has always been by their side. But reality doesn't always give you a good boy, Charlie, and you have to find the good in yourself. That's what I did - and I couldn't be more grateful for that. Nothing compares to the feeling of waking up every morning and thinking 'It's one more day I won't have to depend on anyone else to have a happy day'. I am infinite because I am living in peace with who I am. You're infinite because you're almost me.

Have a good night, Charlie(s).