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You mean a lot to me.

You’re the star in my sky (no pun intended), the wind at my back, and the sword at my side.

Your absence through me for a loop, and your return - or rather, evolution, left me shaken.

I appreciate your growth, but I can’t help but wonder why you’re hated.

I don’t hate you, Ally Starr, I never could have. You helped me in ways no one ever could have, and for that, I am absolutely nothing but thankful.

So why am I writing this? Because I know what happened to Ally. I know Ally was hiding a world of pain and a chaos brain, and I know Ally suffered more than she - you - would EVER let the world know. And because I wanna tell you that I remember you, and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.

You’re not around anymore, and I know that. But I liked the time we had together. I hope you’ll be able to see that.

I hate my guts like you wouldn’t believe.

I hate my piece of shit memory. I hate my lack of motivation. I hate that I hide myself behind a facade of happiness. I hate my low self esteem, it’s lower than the width of a needle. I hate my lack of ambition. I hate that I'm shit at school. I hate my suicidal thoughts. I hate my inability to speak about emotions and my suicidal thoughts to my parents. I hate that I’m a piece of shit daughter. I hate that I self harm just to feel something. I hate that I have no emotion. I hate that I’m unresponsive in most occasions. I hate that I can’t explain my feelings when needed to. I hate my anxiety. I hate that I lie so no one is worried and stressed over me. I hate thAT IM A FUCKING IDIOT WHO DOESNT DESERVE HER LIFE. I HATE ME.

If I could go back in time when I was ten years old, I would tell myself how much of a fucking dumbass I was for self harming and thinking suicide was a great idea. Even though I still fucking do. 

I can’t fix myself. I’m unfixable. I accidentally barge in serious conversations when I didn’t mean to. I say something but I say it in the wrong way and someone thinks I hate them when I don’t. I hate my stuttering. I hate my maternal grandfather because he’s an idiot too. I hate that I made my parents think I care about other people more than them. I love my parents. But since I’m unemotional and unresponsive I can’t convince them enough to to believe it.

You know who deserves Alexa? No one. Not her parents. Not her friends. No o n e. Because she puts them through such unbearable pain and suffering. She doesn’t belong on this Earth. She doesn’t belong anywhere. She makes everyone’s lives a living fucking hell.

I’m shit aT LIFE.  I’m sorry mom and dad for not listening and not following through and not becoming what you wanted me to be. I’m sorry six year old me for making you experience how horrible I am. I’m sorry Psych for being a horrible friend and overall annoying. You don’t deserve me. I’m sorry Jen for not talking to you more. I’m sorry Mayhem for forgetting about writing things and just overall being clingy. I’m sorry Grace for not getting into anime enough for you. I’m sorry Squint for being so awkward and annoying. I’m sorry Liam for messing up and ruining conversations. I’m sorry Dylan for ignoring you. I’m sorry Logan for not telling you I added you on Skype.  I’m sorry everyone who has ever met me for being shitty at everything and annoying and for ruining your lives.

I’m not special to anybody. No one needs me.

I'm not valuable to anyone and I never will be. 

-------

the tags read:  #quiet ally#I want to die#//makes a chart of ten million earths in length#thiiiissss fuckinG MUCH#FUCK YOU ALEXA#FOR BEING A HORRIBLE PERSON#FUCK#YOU#AND#YOUR#EXISTENCE

holy shit? (ill edit this after)

alright. hi. it’s me. the one who wrote this... post.

i couldn’t stop thinking about this during dinner. 

ally was... a strange gal. nice, kinda, sweet, but deep down she hated herself. and i will admit, i still do, i think maybe more. but THIS. i dont even remember writing it? this is just pure self hatred, almost a side of myself ive never seen before. 

ally... ally. ive held some grudges against you. just a few, not gonna lie. but kid, honey, sweetie pie. listen to me. you were pretty okay. sure you were weird, you fucked up sometimes, but you had people who love you. these people cared for you, and still do.

Probably, you guys (when I say that, I mean the surprising 80 followers I have??) know that I’m not here anymore. I’m inactive, I’ve changed, A LOT, and I only go here to check it out. 

I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed and/or disgusted anyone. I was new to tumblr, and I may have gone out of control at some points with what I’ve posted. But that is not me now. I’m not “Ally” anymore; I’m Xee. Xee is COMPLETELY different from Ally. I even cringe at Ally and what she/I did on here. I feel... not ashamed, but guilty? In a way? 

You could say this is a formal apology, yeah. I lost my friends because of my stupidity of just getting up and walking away. I’m sorry, if any of you are reading this. I never wanted that to happen, that’s why I’ll say again, I literally CRINGE at Allys’ actions. Before I go, there’s just one person I’d want to personally thank and say goodbye to.

Psych, I know you’re not on here anymore, or maybe even at all. But if there’s someway you’re reading this, I’m really happy to have called you a best friend. You made me happy, laugh at the little things, and help me discover who I really am. I told myself that if there was one person I’d like to me in real life, I’d choose you, always. I love you, and honestly, I wouldn’t be the way who I am today if I hadn’t met you. Thank you so so much. There is no way, shape, and form that I’ll forget you. I hope you excel in whatever career you’ve chose.

-Ally Xee