sunshine

in the beginning of february, i found out my dad was starting cancer treatments again. he didn’t tell anyone it was even back until the week before he was starting treatment. it was tough for me. the feelings became compounded because i learned the gene mutation that my dad has to cause him to be more likely for all these different cancers, i tested for and found out around the same time i, too, have. it has made my stomach turn and want to rot. 

my dad had been struggling to breathe for awhile now, and when he talked to the doctors, they brushed him off as if it was allergies. he would use allergy medication, and after some time, he went back saying he still couldn’t breathe. they then just prescribed him antibiotics, which also had no results.

it wasn’t until recently they finally took a goddamn look while he spent a few days in the hospital STILL struggling to breathe that they found a growth in his nose. they tried to get a biopsy without surgery only to determine that it was too dangerous. they rescheduled for a biopsy through surgery. we were supposed to find out results last friday, but my parents got sick with covid, forcing them to miss my dad’s appointment. 

then the dreaded call yesterday morning, my sister told me they determined it was cancerous. they couldn’t fully remove a good amount of it because it would be unsafe. every time, i find out more, i feel this big punch in the gut. i have kept this to myself, but i’m struggling. i’m hurting. i’m so goddamn scared.