13 Reasons Why...

Fast forward a while, she got pregnant with my sister and they got married a few months maybe before she was born . I was livid. He had two kids before with other women and they were in the wedding. My step sister and I were flower girls and my step brother was the ring bearer. It wasn’t a big wedding . Just our families all in our house . I liked his kids. I liked his nieces and nephews. They were nice and funny and outgoing. But there were two cousins. I was infatuated. I thought they were handsome and just great. I was about 9. In the second grade . I’m not really sure but I feel like that’s what it was .

When my brother was born, I felt like I'd be alone again because nobody paid attention to me. I wanted him to go away. It killed me. I hated him. But the less attention I got, the more I learned. I learned how to get attention from the wrong people unfortunately but I learned it. The hate wore away after a while but I didn't forget what I learned .

My mom has alopecia. Her hair fell out due to stress so she shaved it all. And wore wigs. One time, I was mad at her so I whispered it to all of my friends. I said " that's not her real hair, it's a wig " as she walked into my class. I was stupid . My mom was so insecure about it at the time because it was new . It had just happened but I was dumb. I'm sorry mom. Luckily, nobody make any jokes or anything and nobody said anything about it later but I still remember and regret it .

I'm only posting the songs I'm actually getting into as I'm posting . Not every single one because I'd be posting every two seconds lol

I used to hear them laughing and talking at night while watching Bernie Mac on the tv in the living room of my mom and my house. It kept me up late. But they didn't pay attention when he was there. Because in my room while they were watching Bernie Mac and laughing, I was watching dating shows. And things like Girls Gone Wild. Why? I was curious .. I wanted to learn things. By the time my brother had came along, i feel like I knew maybe about twice the stuff kids my age should know about sex and dating. I was 8. I was fantasizing real fantasies at 8. About teachers, cashiers, mail people, everybody . Male or female.

I'm going to start telling you guys what I'm listening to or watching as I post my vents .

My mom was a substitute teacher at my school before she met him. She subbed in my class a few times but she was usually always there. We ate lunch together sometimes and I always was in her classroom. I rode the bus most of the time and she had some older boys be my " bodyguards " when we walked home. They watched for me and made sure I got there. I wish I always had them. Through all my life. Before him, my uncles and my granddaddy were my " dad " . I didn't need him.

To start off, I didn't have my father in my life for about 6 years and I didn't think it mattered. I don't think it was any different from any other person unlike I got older. But we'll get to that later. My mom got a boyfriend and from what I've been told, I liked him in the beginning. I do remember a night when I felt as though he would take her away from me and I'd be alone and I was young when I had that thought but I felt it . They later got married and we moved in together and that's when I began not liking him as much . He was really controlling and everything had to be his way. He was selfish about things like cereal and other small things. He wasn't what I thought a dad was . From then on, I didn't think of him as a dad. At most he was a step dad and at least he was my mom's husband . Never my dad. I don't have one.

My name will be Sunny ☀️ on here . I am 17, about to be 18 in a few months . I have graduated already. I am a black girl. I just wanted to give a few characteristics about me. You'll learn more later. All of my posts will be called vents and they'll be numbered . Unless they're just posts. This is my follow along diary . I'll go back in the past and talk about everything I've been through so you'll be up to speed with me and we'll go from there 💕

So I watched the entire season of 13 Reasons Why and it showed me a lot about myself … I hold a lot in due to the fear of hurting others or making things worse. So I have a lot of built up insecurities, anxiety, stress, anger, pain, confusion and frustration. This is going to be my safe place to vent about it anonymously but still let people know that they aren’t alone.. because you aren’t. I felt like I was . But I’m not . So here we go.. this is my real life 13 reasons why … I’m going to tell you all about my life .