hi. fuck your shit.

so

uh

roy mustang

aquarium

fish and stuff

yeah

um

i guess i should start from the start which i guess is actually the day before, because on friday i checked in to give him my report on some of the shit i'd been working on all week, which i TYPED AND EVERYTHING because i'm just a nice guy like that. but before i could escape he caught me in the tractor beam of the smolder eyes, which for the record i was POWERLESS to escape. although i tried. but let's be real here okay, fucking roy mustang smolder eyes, like what are you gonna do.

anyway he was like "edward" which is also not fair.

and i was like "what, do you not like the staple, i know paperclips are more fun, i could paperclip it instead if you want"

it's true though, you can't make chains out of staples and then try to lasso things off of the file cabinet. which i caught him doing once. rarely have i seen hawkeye closer to murder. it was pretty great.

also i wanted to try it but paperclip chains were Outlawed after that.

anyway he was like "the staple is perfectly sufficient, thank you. shall i pick you up at 10:30 tomorrow?"

and i was like

oh yeah

that date

that

i

have

clearly

not

spent

every

last

fucking

spare

minute

of my life

thinking about

isn't it weird how you can be completely aware of something and totally forget about it at the same time??

the human brain is just

amazing hahaha

aaaaaaaaanyway

so i stared at roy for a second (and while we're on the topic HOW WEIRD IS IT THAT MY BRAIN CALLS HIM ROY WHEN I'M THINKING OF HIM AS A PERSON AND MUSTANG WHEN I'M THINKING OF HIM AS MY BOSS?? FUCKING COMPARTMENTALIZATION SHIT IT'S AMAZING) and then i was like

"10:30 sounds. great. yeah."

because i am a smooth fucking operator and don't you forget it.

and he was like "wonderful. i thought maybe we could get a coffee on our way over and hopefully get in before the crowds."

and i was like "i don't care, i'll elbow kids in the head to get to the front of the shark tanks if i have to."

and he like

laughed

which was

since when does roy or mustang laugh at my shitty-ass jokes hahaha

then he was like "i'll make sure to bring some lollipops to console the crying children after you've battered them down in the name of marine biology. i'll see you tomorrow, then?"

and i was like "do you need my aaa... you have the personnel files. okay. uh. i'll. okay. yeah, see you then."

and he just like. smiled at me.

which was also a SINCE WHEN DOES THIS HAPPEN sort of a phenomenon so there you go

and okay like. let me tell you. if you have never seen roy actually smiling, like none of the condescending smirky bullshit crap, it's. i mean. he's just. really. attractive. okay. fuck you don't judge me IT'S AN OBJECTIVE FACT and i have literally never met anyone in my entire life who disagreed. not that i'm doing a fucking survey but if i was i'd bet fucking money th

...i'm gonna quit now while i'm behind

...i'm always behind, this is like the story of my life here okay

...fuck

anyway uh

fast-forward to saturday morning at 10, at which point i was like

WELL SHIT I GUESS THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING, which was sort of a mindfuck, like. me. going. on. a. date. WITH MUSTANG. or roy. or whoever the hell he is. to the aquarium which is like my 2nd favorite place after the library (tied with the planetarium, i fucking love the planetarium).

and. i was like. okay so what. are these weird feelings. 'cause i had like a cousin-of-food-poisoning kind of flutter-tingle in my stomach and shit and i kept thinking about. y'know. like. whether we were gonna make out again. and. if. we were gonna. like. touch and stuff and if he'd want to like stand in front of the tanks and hold my hand because WOW MY FACE WAS ON FIRE JUST ABSTRACTLY THINKING ABOUT THAT SHIT, WAS I EVEN GONNA SURVIVE IF WE ACTUALLY DID IT??

...spoilers i survived but.

y'know.

back to the point though, Al was like "oh my flipping gosh brother you look like somebody just slapped you across the face"

and i was like "could you though"

and he was like "WHAT"

and i was like "this is too surreal, i'm probably dreaming, and if i am then that's good because i can make a fucking ass of myself and not have to worry about it at work next week"

and Al was like "you're not going to do that"

and i was like "watch me"

and he was like "well i'm not going to be there so i can't but i'm sure you'll be fine brother, you're weirdly kind of charming in a sort of antagonistic way"

and i was like "...the hell did you just call me?"

and he was like "never mind never mind, what i meant was that – well, gosh, brother, i think it's great that you're going out, i think it's great that you're going to have a chance to get to know him differently, and i think it's great that someone else sees what i see in you."

and i was like "which is that i'm antagon—"

and he jumped in like "no! well. yes. but in a good way, and obviously general mustang knows that better than just about anybody, but clearly you've shown him enough of who you are underneath all of the flailing rage and overstated posturing and—"

and i was like "is this a sendoff or a fucking roast Al"

and he was like "i'm trying to put it in perspective! what do you have to lose, ed? he's one of just a handful of people on the planet who knows who you really are, and he wants to spend some personal time with you. you don't have anything to be nervous about. he's seen you at your best and your worst and just about everywhere in between, and he picked you. there's none of the usual silliness that comes with dating, where you're trying to feel out what the person likes, and what they're comfortable with, and whatever – he already knows, and you already know him."

and i was like "except i don't really because i get sort of the shape of him and i've seen that for years but it's only just the last couple weeks since a bunch of the layers fell away and he turned out to be a human being underneath"

and Al was like "so peel off a couple more"

and i was like "BUT AAAAAAAAAL" because that's how you win arguments around here

and he was like "but nothing brother. think of it this way. at the absolute worst, he's too much of a gentleman to be 'douchey'—"

i am glad i taught him that word

…most of the time

"—to you at work if it goes poorly; and even if it's a disaster you'll still get a free lunch and a visit to the aquarium"

…you know

i 

love

my

brother

just

for the record here

i mean not that it doesn't say that in the sidebar but

if you're in the cheap seats

I LOVE AL OKAY

all right so where the fuck was i hahaha

oh yeah

datable wardrobe

anybody remember the datable wardrobe

apparently Al did

another thing to know about Al if you didn't already is that

like

okay there are about half a dozen people on the planet whose reflexes are faster than mine

Teacher's one

Al is another

which is why

the split-second i reached for my red leather jacket

WHABAMMMMMMM NOT TODAY ED

NO KICKASS EPIC AWESOME STYLE FOR YOU

TIME TO DRESS LIKE A REGULAR NERD TO YOUR BABY BROTHER'S EXACTING FUCKING STANDARDS

eugh

anyway

in case anybody ever tries to impugn my stylistic honor i am depending on all of you to defend me okay

I WANTED TO WEAR THAT JACKET

but noooooooooo "brother last time i checked you were not a colorblind heathen blah blah blah" WHEN EXACTLY WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CHECKED ALPHONSE ELRIC

…sorry i have. strong feelings. about that jacket. ling gave it to me okay it's important to me and i love it and it makes me feel more kickass and confident and. whatever shit.

which apparently does not register with Al, who tried to dress me up in a nerdy-ass fucking button shirt A G A I N okay, like if i keep on at the rate i'm going (one a week, i am counting okay) i'm going to wake up one day and be a NERD WHO WEARS BUTTON SHIRTS and that is just. no. no. i refuse. no.

and not just because i fucking hate buttons because buttons and automail don't get along although that factors in.

mostly because they're LAME

…on me anyway on other people i guess they're mostly okay.

…actually i think i usually like them on other people but i always look like a fucking dork in them so WHATEVER, point is Al is a fucking dictator

so obviously i was like "I CAN'T WEAR THIS, I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING SCHOOL KID IN A UNIFORM"

and he was like "not if you wear these" and handed me this pair of jeans which at least were black

and i was like "are they fucking magic when you put them on or what"

and he was like "they are if somebody has a butt like yours brother"

and i think my brain exploded

eventually it sort of recoagulated and a couple neurons fired weakly and i was like

"Al why do you know any of the facts that would allow you to state that observation"

and he was like "brother you're extremely special. and i mean that in a good way. i am not special in the same way. i am peripherally aware that you have a killer curve in the posterior area. i had noted it myself and have had it confirmed by multiple objective parties. and this is a great pair of jeans. just put it on. if he's speechless, you have the advantage, right?"

which is part of the thing i was talking about a while ago about how Al is the smarter one. like. he's one of those people who understands not just his own internal logic but other people's vastly different internal logics and is able to translate his complex thoughts into their specific language in order to be understood. and it's also sort of creepy i guess but he's kind of like Roy too in that he has this. uncanny. ability. to figure out how to make you think that doing what he wants you to do (a) is a great idea; (b) was your great idea all along. he's fucking incredible, it's terrifying and fantastic.

anyway.

i put all the shit on and stood in front of the mirror and was like "i can't wear this"

and he was like "why not? i think you look great" and sort of smoothed some wrinkles out and patted at my hair

and i was like "i look like you but in tighter pants"

and he was like "…isn't that what i just said"

and i stared at him and he started laughing and he was like "no gosh okay i'm sorry it's just that you do look really nice, brother, give it a chance. besides there's no time to change, so it's either this or you'll just have to go naked"

and i was like "AL YOU LITTLE SHIT YOU PLANNED THIS DIDN'T YOU"

and he was like "'planned' implies premeditation; i just have a talent for improvising thousands of new and exciting ways to back you into a corner"

and i was like "why do you hate me"

and he was like "ed you dummy it is always for your own good, you know that don't you?"

and i was like "easy for you to say"

and he was like "brother trust me you look great, and you're going to have a great time"

and i was like "you have no data to support that hypothesis"

and he was like "brother look at yourself"

so i looked again and my original conclusion held totally true although interestingly i'm pretty sure he didn't just give me one of his shirts, because Al is. narrower. and. longer. than. i am. torso-wise. which means that his clothes tend to be really tight on me around the shoulders and shit but this one fit pretty nice and didn't make me feel like i was wearing a straightjacket. which was good because nothing about this was particularly straight if you get my drift. but anyway that means it was probably one of those ones he'd bought specifically for me and snuck into my closet like someday i was going to put one on by accident and suddenly develop a case of class or something. and it was green. like who even wears green. how is that even a color they make shirts in.

and he was like "…maybe a tie"

and i was like "i will die first Alphonse Elric"

and he was like "okay okay okay go put your shoes on. SOME NICE SHOES."

and i was like "since when do i have nice shoes"

and he was like "…sometimes i despair of you, brother"

and i was like "BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE NICE SHOES?? that's not fucking fair"

and he was like "NOT BECAUSE OF THE SHOES ED oh never mind he's going to be here any mi—"

you will not be surprised to know that's when the doorbell rang

apparently roy is one of those people who – at least when it's something he's invested in, i dunno how he is at the office, although probably hawkeye cracks the whip when she has to and kicks him out the door – is exactly on time to things. which is totally fucking foreign to me because normally there are two types of people, right?

there are the people who are incapable of getting to a destination any sooner than five minutes late no matter the circumstances, and time speeds up around them and the trains are always delayed and there are no taxis and then there's a cat stuck in a tree (i.e. me).

and

there are the people who are supernaturally early to everything and usually not like a tactful two minutes early or something, they're all Together and Prepared and Efficient and end up ready too early and leaving too early and they show up like twenty minutes before whatever thing is supposed to start and then have to hang around killing time until it's "societally acceptable to be present and accounted for" (i.e. Al).

occasionally

as you may have guessed

the time-space continuum warps when one person from each category is involved in an outing which i honestly think is why my watch used to be wrong all the time. because. i wound it, i really did, CONSISTENTLY. so. time-space. think about it.

…but yeah. Roy. was. exactly on-time. which is weird.

anyway i was like "SHOES" and Al was like "SHOES" and he tried to give me his but they're too. vastly. absurdly. oversized because i guess he likes to wear them roomy all right

so i just put my boots on

not the ones with the red soles, even i know that would clash with a forest green shirt, i wasn't raised in a fucking barn

…except sometimes

…there was a really cool barn down the road and there were all these barn cats so Al wanted to hang out there all the time and i liked climbing up on the hay loft and watching the horses so we used to chill there for hours after school and talk about alchemy and shit.

POINT IS my shoes weren't hideously mismatched so Al can shove it and while i was putting them on Al opened the door and was like "hello general!! wow you look so nice, i'm sure brother will think so too even if he's too shy and tongue-tied and aggressively awkward to say anything" because he likes to torment me and i don't know what i ever did wrong but it WASN'T ENOUGH TO DESERVE THIS

(…that's a lie in case you're playing along at home)

so i finally managed to get my feet in the shoes (do you know what's fucking impossible with metal fingers. SHOELACES ARE FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE WITH METAL FINGERS. worse than buttons. somehow. mostly. don't get me started on trying to turn magazine pages.) and i went out there even though i was rapidly developing a very serious cardiac condition and my brain was sort of whiting out and all i could hear for a second was my heartbeat and.

yeah so.

roy cleans up pretty damn good.

like.

really damn good.

so

that's cool

and he was like "good morning edward i hope you slept well?"

and instead of being like "well actually it was a combination of some of the most grotesque recurring nightmares and a couple really stupid dreams about me fucking this up and you pushing me off of the roof at central hq" i was like "yeah, thanks."

Al says i am unrelentingly honest and sometimes that hurts people so i should work on it and I'M GETTING BETTER OKAY

i mean normally i'd say people can suck it up and deal with the fucking truth because if they don't like reality they should change it until they do but

like

there's shit about me that somebody could be honest about that would fuck me up pretty bad so i guess i understand.

…godfuckingdamn am i the master of fucking tangents or what haha

um

right

so

mustang

on the doorstep

looking like about a million fucking cens give or take

so he stepped back and sort of gestured to his car where he parked it on the street and was like "shall we?"

and Al made this like

squeak noise

and threw his arms around me and ruffled my hair after i actually got it to do a mostly lying-down flat thing for fuck's sake Al and then patted me on the shoulder a lot and was like "i'm so happy for you i'm so proud you're going to have so much fun, be safe!!"

and i was like "what do you mean 'be safe', be safe about what, i'm not going to jump in a fucking tank Al that'd damage the ecosystem"

and he looked at Roy

and then at me

and was like "well. you know. just. be safe."

and i was like "is this a comment on mustang's driving because that's pretty low"

and he was like "you'd know"

and i was like "YOU FUCKING DID FUCKING NOT"

and roy was obviously trying not to laugh and he was like "ah perhaps we should be leaving before any unfortunate fratricide incidents take place"

and i was like "don't worry, i can't commit fratricide because i don't have a brother because Al is dead to me"

and Al was like "BUT BROTHERRRRRR"

and i was like "shut up i love you go away"

and he was like "right back at you ed"

so 

then

Roy

and

i

started down to his car

and

hoooooooooly shit

just like that

i was

on a date

with roy mustang

what the fuck

so

uh

yeah

you all know about his driving right

yeah

he was in fine form hahaha

but you sort of have to put it in perspective, because first of all life is short and stupid so might as well get your thrills while you can, and second somebody who can put flames out instantaneously is NOT A BAD PERSON to be in a car crash with. if you have to. which. okay so maybe that didn't come out quite like i wanted but you know what i mean.

so anyway he drives about a thousand miles an hour and a thousand and two around turns and it's basically like a roller coaster except that instead of a secure safety harness and very low death statistics you have a flimsy-ass seatbelt and white fucking knuckles, but in a weird way i actually think i like it?

...did i just say that

uh

don't hold me to that later if i happen to acquire a better understanding of consequences further on down the line

Al says my amygdala is "severely underdeveloped and woefully underutilized"

but Al says a lot of shit that i don't realize is insulting until later so there we are haha

but yeah so

Roy

me and Roy or whatever shit, is that even what you're supposed to say

Roy and I

look how fucking grammatical i am wow take a screenshot of this shit

godddddd sorry hahahaha okay it's just

hard to talk about this shit so i keep talking about

everything else

ever

in the universe

Al says i have avoidance issu

SORRY OKAY SORRY AUGH

all right so Roy drove us over to this one set of shopfronts and parked and was like "this is the best coffee in the city… that i have found. i'm still looking"

and i was like "you say that with a hell of a lot of confidence, what are your criteria"

and he reached into his pocket and took out his wallet and took out a little stack of business cards and handed them to me and each of them was from a different coffee place and on the back of each of them he had drawn a little table for "smoothness" and "richness" and "bitterness" and then "overall taste before sugar & cream" and "overall taste after sugar & cream"

and i was like

"holy shit this is the best thing i've ever seen you have metrics"

and he was like "i was almost as avid a scientist as you once" but for once he didn't say it in a condescending way, it was just sort of. warm. and. fond i guess? and. there was this funny new sort of nostalgic quality to it and i swear to FUCK his eyes actually lit up. i didn't know that was really a thing, i always thought it was just. poetry bullshit.

but i was like 

fuck

that's

kinda

really

attractive

but i'm not totally socially incompetent all the time so i got my shit together and was like "okay, so you have data, but it's biased data. let's go test your hypothesis."

sometimes i'm so smooth i make teflon fucking jealous, don't you forget it

Roy was like "that sounds like a fine proposition" and then we went and had coffee at the place and. it was really nice. the place and the coffee, i mean. and also just. sitting down with him i guess. it's. different. it changes pretty much fucking everything actually haha. 'cause i mean. you're just like a different person, right, when you're in your office, when you're at work, when you're talking to your boss who decides your fucking fate in a lot of ways and you've got all this history and shit's riding on it and you're "strongly discouraged from shouting loud enough that adjoining wings might be scandalized by your cisternal tongue"

and

when

you're two people in a coffee shop who kinda sorta want to spend more time together and maybe dig out the essence of the other person from under all the layers and the armor and the shells.

and

if you've ever had a conversation with roy mustang you already know this but in case you haven't – it's. an experience. in a lot of ways? i mean the man is a pro at that shit. which to me is totally incomprehensible haha, but i think it's an instinct thing, Al's got it too, there's just a way of paying attention to someone that makes them feel good about what they're saying, and Roy can turn that on in a fucking instant and it's. i dunno. great. i mean at least with me he really doesn't hold back about his opinions but he's always respectful about it and he's just so ENGAGED, i mean he's like 100% present and he really gives a shit about what you're saying even if he doesn't agree with it and that is

intoxicating

actually

also he's funny as FUCK, where the hell did that come from

my fucking life is ruined you guys, everything i thought i knew is a liiiiiiiiiiie

but at least it's a lie with some pretty damn good coffee in it i guess

so we sat around for a little while by the window and talked about. just stuff i guess. Al and alchemy stuff and he told me this story about how when he was living with the hawkeyes (?????????? hahaha) hawkeye sr. asked him how much he knew about alchemy and he was trying to be modest (HILARIOUS RIGHT????) and said he didn't know much of anything and then hawkeye just like SLAMMED this huge-ass completely ancient fucking book that weighed more than Roy down on the desktop and was like "okay start by reading this. by tomorrow please." and Roy choked which caused him to choke on the plume of fucking dust and hawkeye-as-in-our-hawkeye ran in and started pounding him on the back and that's how he almost died on his first day of training hahahaha

…also the story of the first time hawkeye saved his life apparently. he said "most of the others are marginally more glamorous."

and i was like "yeah the number one word i associate with you is 'glamorous'. Roy Glamorous Mustang. totally."

and he did this just. holy shit this THING where he flipped his hair back and fluttered his eyelashes and lowered his voice and was like "that's right, baby" in this tone that just

THAT is the story of how i almost died on my first date because i could not stop fucking laughing and i couldn't fucking breathe

but yeah so by then i'd chugged all my coffee and burned my mouth in about sixteen places, and i knew that if i had any more i'd probably start shaking, which makes the automail rattle like a box of fucking spare parts, so that'd be an awkward thing to have happen on my first-ever date, which obviously meant it was probably time to go haha

i dunno if Roy could sense with his magical Omniscient Bastard powers that my caffeine levels were nearing a dangerous threshold or if he just sort of had the same thought that maybe we should skedaddle and get to the part with the fish but either way before i could get too antsy he got up and was like "shall we?" and i was like "fuck yeah" and i guess if you're a linguist that probably tells you everything you need to know about both of us.

…even if you're not a linguist it's probably pretty illuminating.

so we got back into the thrill-ride-mobile and took off for the PLACE THEY KEEP THE FISH and Roy tried to buy me a day pass and i was like "EXFUCKINGSCUSE YOU first of all no and second of all i'm getting a membership while i'm here so i can come back like every weekend with Al"

and

Winry always talks about how guys get all pissy and offended and macho and shit if she tries to pay for her own stuff (let alone for THEIR STUFF) but Roy just sort of nodded and was like "that's very sensible, though i do hope you'll let me get dinner" and i was like "that depends on the size of the bill" and the girl at the register who was getting us our passes tried VERY HARD not to laugh

i dunno i mean i guess this is some hot button chivalry shit, Al talks about it too sometimes, but like. i just. money is a fucking concept. it is NOT EVEN REAL, money has zero intrinsic value, it's just a method of standardizing the exchange rate for objects. coins and bills are in themselves meaningless and even on a larger scale like. okay if i have enough money to pay for a thing and somebody else i'm with doesn't, then i will pay for their thing. i don't. expect them. to pay me back? if they want to that's cool, nice and easy and equivalent and whatever shit, but. exchanges don't have to be that simple, like if i bought somebody an ice cream and they hung around and had a great conversation with me about photon physics then. that's an exchange. their company and the experience is being given back to me as part of a much less quantifiable trade so who's to say the ice cream is more "valuable" in some way? why do they "owe" me?

anyway that is. another. tangent. but.

also fuck that shit because life is too short to count pennies when you could be counting OCTOPUSES IN THE AQUARIUM FOR FUCK'S FUCKING SAKE AM I RIGHT??

(they have three by the way)

(in case you didn't hear me just now THEY HAVE THREE FUCKING OCTOPUSES YOU GUYS IT'S THE BOMBEST FUCKING SHIT)

aaaaaaaaanywaaaaaaayyyyyy between the coffee and the general marine biology excitement and the residual nerves because first date don't fuck it up fuck fuck fuck i was practically fucking vibrating out of the visible spectrum which. would've been annoying because i probably would have managed to lose Roy if i was invisible and then i DEFINITELY would have fucked it up. but we got our passes and then 

AND THENNNNN

god i just

fucking

love

the aquarium

i dunno if you've been to central's but it just

the second you get through the ticket area it just opens up and it is the most beautiful fucking thing

i don't

i can't do pretty words and crap but it's two stories and all the railings are silver and there's just GLASS everywhere because the tanks are huge and the stairs and the carpet are all sort of gray and some of the floors are cement so it's got a little bit of a sort of industrial warehouse filled with WONDERSSSSSS kinda vibe and

fuck

augh

anyway

i didn't even know where to start, because all of it is the best.

so i turned to him and was like "you got a favorite?"

and he

was just

like

looking at me

and

smiling

in this

i dunno

dreamy

kinda way

………i mean he's kind of dreamy obviously everybody knows that, but i actually meant his. expression. was kind of. like he was in a dream. a nice one. maybe one of those power-of-flight-without-regard-to-physics ones.

and i was like "…………did i get coffee on my shirt? Al's shirt. did i get…?" and i looked but i couldn't find any

and he was like "edward."

and i was like "what"

and he was like "…why don't we start with the otters? it tends to get crowded over there later in the day."

so we did.

and i am man enough to report that the otters were FUCKING ADORABLE.

like okay i'm not like those kids who plaster their sticky hands all over the glass and press their noses on it too just to make sure they're spreading the bacteria in their snot but

shit's mesmerizing okay.

it is an incredible testimony to evolution and to physics that they can move like they do and they're really amazing and they also SO FUCKING SASSY which is hilarious haha

so from there we went over to the kelp forest tank which is three fucking stories tall and all turquoisey green and STUNNING and they have tiger sharks and anchovies and all kinds of other shit and this one fish that looks like it rammed its head into a wall about a billion times and it's orange and i could stand there forever just watching that shit, the kelp waves with the current and all the fish are chasing each other around and IT'S INCREDIBLE

god okay uh

right

you know what i'm just gonna

pictures

'cause otherwise i'll be talking about fish until we all die of old age hahahaha

OKAY CUTTLEFISH ARE SO FUCKING METAL RIGHT and i got up to the tank and was like FUCK YEAH CUTTLEFISH!!!

and

Roy came up behind me and slipped his arm around my waist the SNEAKY BASTARD and was like

"cuddle, fish, you say? that sounds like a fine agenda"

fucker

i turned so fucking red i probably made the anemones fucking jealous

Roy since i know you're reading this i would just like you to know that you are THE SAPPIEST PERSON ALIVE

congratulations

hopefully the world record books will offer you a prize

(if it's food and you have too much let me know)

but yeah so

aquarium

god

that was so fucking awesome

anyway then we went to go get lunch, which i guess is a thing you're supposed to do on a date haha

i dunno if it's always so fucking

romantic

or

if Roy just sort of has that effect on everything in his general proximity

like maybe his ~aura~ just sort of spontaneously generates white tablecloths and fucking candles and roses

MAYBE ARMSTRONG TAUGHT HIM HOW i'm gonna have to ask.

however he does it lunch was fucking rad, as long as you don't mind the slight circle-of-life morbidity thing implied by consuming the thing you were just admiring a couple minutes ago.

and it's funny, isn't it, how easy it is just to have a

conversation

with him

when it is just a fucking conversation, when it's not a fight, when it's not about work, when we're not arguing about some mission shit or budget shit or "why the hell did you to blow up ANOTHER building" shit (which always comes part and parcel with some "I TOLD YOU IT WASN'T MY FAULT, YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME" shit, and. well fuck my life, how did i never notice that that was an. attention thing. and a respect thing. and. holy shit i'm a fucking moron.)

but like when we're just talking. about. stuff. like two people. not like. military dogs. or the smoothest fucking operator ever to strut the streets of amestris and some kid, or like – the red king and his angry fucking pawn. when it's not a balance of power. because there's no shitty power play between two people sitting at a lunch table with a white cloth and some flowers on it, brushing hands over the bread and eating some seriously good fucking soup, right? and that's. really. something.

so we talked about.

i dunno, alchemy again (i know i am fucking predictable but until he complains you can shove it up your collective ass tumblr hahahaha) and Al and all the stuff Al's learning about at school and all of the bullshit bureaucracy we had to hack through to get him enrolled because he doesn't have. like. any. credentials. and how stupid it is that even after the resembool notary guy signed his school records they were still bitching about officiating everything and giving us all this shit about enrollment requirements even though his test scores are obviously through the fucking roof in EVERYTHING

(i took the test just for fun and totally failed the language portion, it was like. fucking ridiculous. obviously i can communicate with other human beings enough to survive, who gives a fuck am i right. you know thinking about it i probably shouldn't have written "fuck" so many times in that stupid-ass essay but it was about the dumbest topic ever so fuck them, they deserve it)

but yeah so we talked about that and then Roy was telling me funny stories about growing up with his mom and even funnier stories about how she's the one who got him started as a Certified Sneaky Bastard by teaching him how to snoop around and milk people for information and shit, which he initially was VERY BAD AT, so a lot of hilarity ensued. also apparently he can mix drinks like a motherfucker, which i for one would like to see. even though i am never drinking ever again. i'll just watch, i don't have to drink that shit to enjoy the show right? haha

anyway

as we were finishing up he was like

"would you like dessert, or shall we make a proper occasion of it later this afternoon at the ice cream parlor?"

and i was like

"can i not have dessert twice. is that a rule."

and he was like "i suppose it was set out as such by the singular phrasing, but… rules are made to be broken, as they say"

and i was like "sometimes you make so much sense it freaks me out"

and he did this terrible terrible horribly unjust thing where he put his elbow on the table and put his chin on his hand and gave me this smile

and was like "am i so enormously illogical the rest of the time?"

and i was like

"i wouldn't go so far as to say enormously illogical mustang, you're not enormous"

and he started to laugh and was like "yes yes of course, forgive me, that would have been insinuating that you are anything less than the precise perfect size"

so then i turned about the color of a fucking tomato on crack

and i was like

"you're not even. illogical, mostly you're actually very logical, sometimes it's just that you're logical behind the curtain and i don't see the logic, all i see is the trickle-down shit. it's just that. mostly i don't think i've ever had a chance until recently to. you know. sit down and. relate to you. as a person. and. it's pretty fucking cool but it's still a little weird getting used to it, is all."

and he just like

smiled even more

and i went from tomato to beet, like opening a fucking produce stand here

and was like "whatttttttt what why are you doing that"

and he said "smiling?"

and i said "yes. why."

and he said "because i'm happy"

and i was like "well that's fucking weird"

and he was like "why is that?"

and i was like "because you're stuck at the aquarium with a fucking nerd who yells too much and. yeah."

and he was like "edward. first of all, i am by no means stuck; i suggested this, in fact, and also own the method of transportation we used, and seem to be possessed of a pair of feet i could walk away on at any moment i should choose. the reason i have not chosen to do so ties in to my second point, which is that while i can't exactly argue that you're not a nerd, there is nothing off-putting about that in the slightest, and in fact i find it staggeringly charming. thirdly, you don't yell too much. or at least not lately. i think your average volume has decreased by several dozen decibels in the past few years, actually, and you've been an absolute delight today, and i know for a fact that you haven't shouted even once."

and i was like

"……well both of those things could change in a damn hurry you know"

and he was like "do you honestly think your company isn't enjoyable?"

and i was like

"well. i dunno. i've never hung out with myself."

and he was like "take it from me, then. i am having a wonderful time with you."

and i was like

covering my face at this point

like

eugh

and i was like "god you are the smoothest fucking bastard i have ever met and i cannot believe we're here and it's just. like. what in the hell, Roy."

and he reached across the table and just touched both my hands so fucking gently and it's weird, he has this really sweet soft little laugh that i've never heard before in my life and he was like

"i'm having a bit of trouble believing it myself, but i do, i really do think this is a good thing. i think it's lovely. and you really don't need to be self-conscious about anything, all right?"

and i was like "easy for you to say, you're like central's fucking bachelor of the year for fifteen years running—"

and he was like "that's a bit steep, edward, i know you're better at math than that. i really want to be here."

so i looked at him for a second

and then another second

and then i was like

"okay"

and he was like "okay what"

side note, how fucking great is it when you really get a conversation going, like you get that momentum and the other person's playing along

it's just fun

anyway

so i was like "okay, i have acknowledged and decided to accept your momentary lapse in judgement"

and he was like "'momentary'? my understanding was that this was going to be rather more than momentary"

and i was like "well sure but if you wake up tomorrow and realize that you've made a terrible mistake, i'm not going to hold it against you"

and he was stiiiiiiill fuckinggggggg smilingggggg and he was like "i don't think there's much danger of that."

and i was like "the day is young, mustang"

and he was like "and lovely, both of which it has in common with you"

and then i barfed and died.

…okay no.

but almost.

instead i was like "YOU ARE THE SMOOTHEST FUCKING OPERATOR, HOW DO YOU EVEN COME UP WITH THAT SHIT"

and he sort of did this really suave rolling shoulders thing that was way more than just a SHRUG, shrugs are for normal people, and he was like "i suppose it's a natural talent." and then he did this thing where he leaned in and narrowed his eyes and sort of smirked and holy fucking shit, man. do you even. i. holy HELL. and he put on this sort of low voice with heat under it and was like "i have quite a lot of those that i'd like to demonstrate to you."

set me on fuckin' fire man, it'd be faster. and probably draw less attention than me turning the color of spaghetti sauce on a stoplight 

so he sat back and folded his hands, and the smile got all soft and he was like "…only at a point when you feel safe and comfortable and would like me to."

and i was like

"right. okay. um. thanks."

and he sort of waved his hand and was like "please, don't treat it like it's a favor; it's not. it's a fact. i want to be here, doing this, with you, and i'm not going to ask you to try to change anything about who you are or how you feel. there is nothing wrong with you, and there is nothing lacking in you, and – edward. it is a pleasure to be here. it really is."

…bastard.

i was like "okay okay fine point taken. so. dessert?"

and he laughed and was like "if multiple iterations of dessert is what you want, ed, then that is what you are going to get."

and i was like "baller"

and he was like "eloquently put"

so we had dessert volume i and it was so worth it. at least on Roy's dollar. i mean even if i'd been paying it would've been hahahaha. and then we went back to the aquarium because there is SO MUCH STUFF THERE YOU COULD NEVER GET BORED

but like yeah so 

right about then Al texted me like how's it going, brother?

so 

because i'm an asshole

i was like 

great!!!! only 1 wing of the aquarium exploded & there were no casualties so pretty productive i'd say

and he texted back just like >:| which

hahahahaaaa

but anyway by then roy and i were standing in front of the deep sea tank right which is fucking like two stories tall and twenty feet wide and totally amazing, like the whole room just glows blue with it and it's amazing and they have HAMMERHEAD SHARKS and more anchovies and sea turtles and A SUNFISH (sunfish are so fucked up seriously hahaha they're WEIRD i love nature i love it)

and anyway we hung out there for a while and then um

then i was like

"so um"

and he went "mm?" which was 

cute

and

i was like

"are we going to. you know."

and he said "i'm afraid i don't, what do you mean?"

and i was like "well. is it. i mean. with the date is. is there a part where. is there supposed to be a part with. holding. hands. or. something?"

and

he gave me this look

like

i

was

made

of

rainbows

and kittens

and gumdrops or some shit

…don't think about that comparison too hard, it gets pretty fucking horrifying pretty fast

but once he was done GAZING at me he was like

"edward, it can have any parts that you like. it can include any amount of trying parts that you're not sure that you like, with no obligation to continue those parts or replicate them should you find that you don't. i just don't ever want to overstep your boundaries, or make you feel pressured or uncomfortable or inadequate or – well, anything other than as immensely delighted as I am, I suppose."

and i was like

"yeah. immense. i am. glad you noticed."

and he

um

took

my hand

and was like

"i do try to be observant. but sometimes i do miss things, and it's not because i don't care. i'm going to try to err on the side of not pushing you, but the downside of that is… you may have to spell things out for me a little bit."

and i was like

"well that's nothing new."

and he was like "see? there's something familiar about the whole situation."

and i was like "…yeah"

'cause

it's

interesting

holding hands with people

i mean i HAVE before obviously but it was like

y'know, AL when we were like five and running amok all over the goddamn place and basically just tearing around as fast as we could go a lot because time is so fucking precious when you're young, every minute's so much longer proportionate to the span of your whole life

but

never

like

with

meaning

y'know

so

yeah

that was

interesting 

i mean it's. just. not. quite. like. any other kind of touching i guess. it's different when you have that context, it's different when there's an. intention. mutual understanding. whatever. thing.

but yeah um. Roy. has. incredible hands as you probably know and. fuck. i dunno I just.

i

okay don't

be

assholes

about this, any of you, ROY ESPECIALLY, I'M ON TO YOU MUSTANG

just

when

i

thought 

about

holding

hands

with

people

i mean

i wasn't thinking of anyone

really

in particular

but

i 

might've

been thinking

about

a particular kind of hands

maybe even

a particular

pair

of hands

and

there is

a slight probability

that

i was modeling

the hands i imagined

on

Roy's

because

…THEY'RE JUST REALLY NICE OKAY

they're

yeah

i dunno, how are you supposed to describe people's hands, all i ever know what to say is like

gee

your

hands

are

warm

and 

soft

like

not metal or gauntlet or any of that shit

that's about the highest compliment i know hahaha

um

Roy's

hands

are so

graceful and

you can feel that they're really strong and if you're really paying attention you can feel the fucking power of them, you can feel the alchemy and you can feel what they've done

but they're 

gentle

too

and

skillful

and

careful

so

that's

y'know

yeah

and

um

well let's just say like

you should

be jealous

that i

get to

hold hands with him

anyway i guess i

ahem hem hem DIGRESS

(that's an Al word haha he says that aaaaaall the time)

but 

it was 

great

it felt great

i

used to think about it a lot, like that was

fuck. okay shut up but. that was the thing i used to. fantasize about. when. i was. lonely. was holding hands with somebody with really nice hands, really nice fingertips, somebody who. you know. didn't. give much of a fuck about the cold metal and. whatnot.

just.

touching.

someone.

and.

touching. Roy. was. exactly what. i. was hoping for. i mean it was. like. everything that i wanted. and.

okay just. i know, shut up. i know how fucking stupid it is, don't fucking rub it in all right, i know.

just.

i'd been.

dreaming.

about that.

for a long time.

so fucking lay the fuck off. please. okay?

um.

fuckin' hell i'm shit at telling stories, haha

uhhhh

right.

me. and Roy. holding hands. in front of the deep sea tank.

just so you know Roy looks real good in blue. well in blue and also in blue light. and. any light. any color. what a bastard, hahaha. nobody's got any damn right to look so good so often haha.

…i mean.

just.

think about it.

per science.

think about how good somebody has to look to distract me from an aquarium exhibit, hahaha

aw……….. fuck. yeah. um.

hands.

Roy's hands.

it just.

that shit felt like.

walking on fucking cloud nine in spring with the sun at your back and a breeze in your hair and the whole world making sense, oh. god.

yeah.

that.

that was.

i

i mean i'm not much for sappy romancey mush shit but.

what's so mushy about getting everything you ever imagined in one fell fucking swoop and feeling like you're going to drown in it and never miss the air?

…all right point taken, that's about the dumbest, smooshiest, more romantic-bullshit thing i think i've ever said

…typed

…whatever

the fact that it's dumb and smooshy doesn't make it any less true, so.

yeah.

anyway

we went around uh

like that

holding hands

in public

for a while and went over to the part where you can touch all the marine creatures from the tide pools and shit, like sea urchins aren't actually spiny, they're spiky 

so

not

at all

like needles

which is great because they're way less horrible that way hahahaha

sea cucumbers are super-weird, too

super-awesome-weird, it's the raddest shit

and they also have this fucking amazing pool thing where they have bat rays that you can reach in and touch (they've got stingrays too in another tank but you can't pet those, that'd be a lawsuit waiting to happen haha)

and it is

SO COOL

and

okay guys listen the fuck up

DO NOT BELIEVE certain conniving members of the more oxygen-deprived ranks of the military who will here go nameless

if they try to convince you that certain less conniving, more oxygenated and more UPSTANDING individuals

maybe

possibly

couldn't

quite

reach

over 

the wall

of the enclosure

to pet the rays

and

maybe

possibly

had to climb up on the kiddie stairs to be able to get his hand in deep enough to pet those awesome little fuckers doing their incredible undulate-y thing through the water like badass little baby angels with angry eyes

…because obviously that never fucking happened.

nothing even like it ever fucking happened.

NOT A CHANCE.

that would be ludicrous, you understand.

although to give credit where it is definitely due, um

if such a thing were to have happened (which it didn't) i have this unneeded premonition that nameless career military men might have put their hands on the small of my back

rather than my ass i mean

which

i mean

considering that it was probably about as prominent as an ass is capable of being when it was in that position

and considering that said hypothetical military man might have a hypothetical obsession with people's gluteals in the first place 

but might hypothetically be aware that hypothetical me would hypothetically get spooked as hell and feel kind of violated if someone were to grab his ass in a public place on the first date

that was

nice.

y'know.

classy.

i mean Al would probably say "no ass-grabbing on the first date" is a pathetically low baseline to set but YOU KNOW WHAT i'm taking it, i don't care

given how much experience and shit Roy has i just

feel like

toning everything down and changing his habits and treating this whole thing differently 

and

going out of his way to make me comfortable and all that stuff

is

worth commending

and that includes resisting the impulse to touch my ass when i was apparently wearing the most impressive and potentially mystical pair of jeans ever crafted from a length of denim

(an extremely expansive length of denim, mind you. because i'm so goddamn tall. obviously.)

so

yeah

anyway

also there were penguins

…not in the bat ray pool, in their own exhibit

…penguins and bat rays hanging out would be weird as fuck hahaha

AWESOME, but weird as fuck and not especially ecologically sound haha

but yeah so we watched the penguins for a while and then Roy was telling me about this parakeet that one of his sort-of-sisters had once that was named Doodle and used to make inconceivable amounts of noise in the middle of the night and once sold Roy out when he was trying to sneak a girl up to his room because he'd snarked at it the day before and its cage was in the hallway and when he tried to go past it the bird just started SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER

and he was like hissing at it "i am going to PLUCK YOU NAKED and ROAST YOU ON A SPIT" and the girl thought he was talking to HER and she fucking booked it out of there so fast there was like a trail of fire at her feet and Roy was like "WHAT NO" and the bird just started cackling at him like an evil witch and then his mom walked in and was like "let me guess" and

holy hot fucking damn that man can be funny hahaha

but yeah um

we went around for a while longer and looked at pretty much everything we hadn't gotten to yet, including the jellyfish and stuff

i mean everything in that entire building is fucking amazing and i know i've said this like sixteen times but JELLYFISH OKAY

they don't even have brains, like what the hell hahaha, it's so fucking great, they're just like goo with arms and mouths and

y'know come to think of it just sort of feeding and not having to worry about the rest of the shit sounds like a pretty viable model for an organism, maybe i should try it sometime

…i'm kidding but that's a pretty good segue to afterwards when when finally had seen pretty much everything in the whole place and gone back to some of the sharks and stuff, Roy was like "can i offer you some dinner", and i was like "CAN I OFFER YOU MY SOUL?"

…which is. funnier and. less slightly awkward when. you're not on a date with someone where it sort of sounds like crap-romantic rather than just kind of tongue-in-cheek. and then you start thinking about tongues and cheeks, as in what certain people are capable of doing with their tongues and the fact that your cheeks are on fucking fire from thinking about that.

and.

um.

anyway.

fun.

buuuuuut we went to a really cool little place with super-swanky decor, but because it's sort of a tourist trap kind of an area around the aquarium people walk into the upscale-ass restaurants in like shorts and t-shirts and baseball caps all the time so it always seems like as long as you're not naked you're probably gonna get served haha. although let's be real, Roy would probably get served REAL fast if he was UH NEVER MIND UM

ahem.

so

yeah

the other thing about Roy is he's got this sort of. not even an aura but like a radius inside of which he just sort of. makes the space his, in a way, i think is the best way to describe it? i mean he's just like. he's always. comfortable. in himself and in an area, and if he's not he sort of strongarms it until it bends and the situation is his fucking oyster again haha. and it's a lot of why he's so fucking killer in politics too, because he asserts himself in a subtle kind of way but he's always in control, but it's got some fuckin' fringe benefits too, and suddenly feeling at home in any restaurant anywhere because you're with him is apparently one of them and i am NOT complaining hahaha. i've spent enough of my life feeling out of fucking place everywhere i go and it's. nice. it's a nice damn change. i dunno, i hope you get what i mean because this sounds like nonsense hahaha.

but yeah dinner was

really nice and RIDICULOUSLY DELICIOUS

like okay when you're hungry enough everything tastes like fine fucking dining and honestly most of the time i don't give a shit, i'll eat what is in front of me and move on from there, it's just calories, who gives a fuck

but

every now and then

just

y'know

nice food

is so fucking worth it haha

so yeah that hit the fucking spot.

and we were talking you know, just like. talking. and. somehow we ended up talking about how Roy ended up at the military academy and how he met Hughes and shit and. i mean it was one of those topics where. you could sort of. tell. that. it was still a little. raw. Hughes i mean. i think it's like that for all of us; it's weird; i mean i know everybody grieves differently and shit – trust me, i KNOW – but. i don't know anybody who's. over it. it's been years now but i think there's a part of each of us that still just. expects to turn a corner and run into a faceful of photos and. every time you don't it sort of hurts all over again. 

i mean Gracia is fucking amazing, she's just doing her thing and making her life and Elysia is such a great kid and she's HAPPY and i guess really that's the important thing but

for

most of us

i don't know

how long it's going to take for it to. fade. you know. i mean it's. when it's so fucking unfair like that it just makes it worse and it just makes it deeper and it just makes it harder you know, it's like this fucking hole in the middle of you and of course you're going to pick at the edges every time you stop long enough to notice THE GAPING WOUND IN THE CENTER OF YOUR BODY right? and you know that if you keep picking and you keep thinking about that stupid fucking word "fair" it's never going to heal but you can't HELP it, right, because sometimes

it's just

too fucking hard to let go

especially because if you do

if you ever really do

it's not just like they died, it's like they never were

and you can't fucking do that to them, you can't

and

yeah

anyway

but

we were talking about the academy and there was a little bit of a sort of. i dunno delicate kind of a tone in Roy's voice about that, but once he sort of got started about the shenanigans he warmed up fast hahaha. i guess he and Hughes were THICK AS THIEVES and everyone loved them and despaired or whatever shit hahahaha

and eventually i like opened my mouth to ask something and then realized i knew the answer, you know how it is, where your brain catches up with itself right as you're starting to speak and then you vocalize the start of a keyboard smash and look like a fucking moron

and Roy to his credit did not push his chair back from the table and do the sign of the cross, he just sort of raised an eyebrow and smiled a little and was like "what"

and i was like "nothing. i mean. yeah. i was going to ask why you didn't just use the state alchemist thing to shortcut past all of that crap and save yourself a hell of a lot of headaches and drama and being everybody's bitch because of your rank and stuff but. i mean it was a whole different thing for you – different reasons. it wouldn't have been the same if you'd shoved yourself in further up, because you wouldn't know firsthand how it worked at the bottom, and you wouldn't have seen it from the inside out every step of the way. plus you wouldn't have gotten the same kind of respect. alchemy buys a lot of shit but respect isn't necessarily part of the whole gig so. yeah. i mean. it was the only thing that made sense given what you were aiming to do in the long run, which was to build a career and make a difference and shit. and you can't subvert a system if you don't understand every piece of it. it's like alchemy actually, what you're doing, in that way, because you're taking the stuff that's there and adding in new shit and trying to reconstruct something new."

and he looked kind of surprised so i was like

"………i guess"

because sometimes that helps with damage control if i've just been talking out my ass too much

…I GUESS

but he was like "no, that's. actually rather accurate, to answer your question – all of your questions. or statements, i suppose they were. your strategy was much more expedient, but it did limit what you could expect to gain from this place in return for your investment."

it's a good thing i wasn't drinking when he said that because i would have choked and died and that would have been VERY anticlimactic

and i was like "investment is the most beautiful fucking euphemism i have ever heard for this grindhouse"

and he had this grin on, this totally new one i've never seen before that was just like a slice of pure fucking cynicism and he was like "and that, my dear edward, is why they pay me for my diplomacy"

but 

yeah

well

anyway

he's really good at switching the train of your conversation onto a lighter track too, and not in the like "SO HOW'S ABOUT THAT WEATHER HUH" way i do it when the whole thing starts to get too oppressive because at least you're trying even if it's awkward as fuck

but we ended up talking about less heavy-ass shit for a while

and then i got dessert round 2 which is about the best way you can possibly end a day like that 

chocolate, motherfuckers

and he got a cup of some kind of black tea with a hilarious name which i recognize because Al drinks it too and i was like "isn't it a little late for tea time?"

and he was like "for tea time, yes; but it didn't seem that you were terribly impressed with my awake driving earlier, so i felt perhaps i shouldn't subject you to my tired driving too." and then before putting milk in it he pushed the saucer a little my way and was like "would you like some?"

and i was like "nah i'm good. i mean. i have. enough trouble sleeping that unless i'm staying up for something specific or planning to pull an all-nighter or something Al won't really let me have caffeine after five."

and for just a second he got this look 

that

i dunno

but then he was sort of mild-smiling again and he started stirring sugar in and was like "fair enough. just let me know if you change your mind."

and i was like

okay ed equivalent exchange, you dip

so better late than never i was like "you want some cake?"

and that was

a 

big

fucking

mistake

because

he was like "thank you" and then

he carved off this little bite and then put it in his mouth and then closed his eyes and his cheeks hollowed out when he sucked on the fork and then he licked some of the last of the icing off the tines as he took it out again and 

handed it

back

with

his tongue marks all over it

and

this

blissful look on his face

and

i

dropped

the fork

trying to take it back

because

i couldn't

stop

thinking

about his tongue

and

uhh

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT

YOU WOULD TOO

anyway

he ninja'd the bill before i could even look at it again and i gave him this look like he was the scum of the Earth and he started laughing and was like "next time you can treat me, all right?"

and i was like "it's gonna need to be the next three times at the rate you're going mustang"

and he leaned forward and gave me this grin like a happy fucking cat and was like "are you promising me three more dates?"

and i was like "…yes. maybe. shut up. are they all gonna be this awesome?"

and 

i

swear

for a second there

he

almost-blushed-or-something

if i'd blinked i would've missed it but i'm ALMOST POSITIVE it really happened

and he was like

"well i'll certainly continue to strive for excellence"

and i was like

"i will continue to strive for tolerable mediocrity"

and he was like

"i beg your pardon? were we on the same date?"

and i was like "well."

and he was like "edward, if you believe nothing else i've said today, please believe this – i've had an absolutely wonderful time with you. i look forward to my three contractually confirmed future opportunities to have additional wonderful times with you."

and i was like

"…a verbal contract doesn't indicate liability, and the potential dates are conditional upon ongoing awesomeness."

and he was like

"sometimes i regret bringing you anywhere near politics"

and i was like "i was kidding Roy jeeeeeeeeeez"

and he

did this

thing

where

he raised his eyebrows again and half-smiled and lifted the cup to his mouth and the ceramic sort of pushed against his lip a little and

you know

when

people

who

are

always kind of outrageously attractive have this sort of like cruising speed of aesthetic magnificence that you get used to, like you can acclimate and get over it and that's all fine, but then

every now and again

they have one of those

moments

where

you're suddenly reminded

that they're a twelve out of fucking ten

and

it sort of knocks you on your ass and leaves you fucking winded for a second just trying to comprehend

how

gorgeous

they are

because

Roy

has

those

a lot.

it's a pain in the ass actually.

anyway um

dessert was

great

and

then once i'd played the trying-to-catch-cake-crumbs-on-fork-tines game for a little while (it takes a ton of skill but is so worth it in the long run okay) Roy was like "i suppose it's getting a bit late, shall i take you home? we could stop for gelato on the way if you'd like."

and i was like "cherish this moment because it's probably never going to happen again in our lifetimes but. i think i might be full."

and he was trying not to laugh and he was like "miracles do happen."

and i was like "well we're here aren't we. you and me. not killing each other. kind of having fun actually."

and

i honestly can't decide whether the little looks he gets are adorable or frustrating?? adustrating. frustorable. i don't fucking know. there's a whole fucking five-act play going on in his head all the time and i'm overhearing a little bit of the dialogue haha.

but like. that's okay i think because. it's pretty great?

anyway uhhhhhh

since

this is

probably

the part

you assholes care about

uh

then

we

left and 

we were walking back to his car and he said "would you like to cut through the park? a bit of perambulation can aid digestion"

and i was like "did you really just say that out loud"

and he was like "perhaps you imagined it"

and i was like "as if my brain would EVER generate the word 'perambulation'"

and he was like "true. you haven't answered the question."

and i was like "fine fine okay sure let's perambulate our asses off, sounds fun."

and he

just sort of

brushed

his hand

against mine

like really gently 

like

if you wanna hold hands some more we can but if you don't that's okay there's no pressure

and

the touch was so light it gave me the fucking shivers like all the way up and it tingled and

i mean shit man if this is what this dating thing is supposed to be about I SHOULD'VE DONE THIS SHIT AGES AGO YOU FEEL ME??

it's a fucking head rush and also like. great cardio. sort of.

anyway

he was like "i could have said 'promenade', would you prefer 'promenade'?"

and i

grabbed his hand

and was like

"you know the size of your vocabulary is not as important as how you use it"

and he sort of

fitted our fingers together

and

just

that feels

so

fucking

nice

no wonder people do it all the fucking time

especially in the middle of the goddamn sidewalk when i'm in a hurry to get somewhere and happen to have a seven-foot-tall spiked suit of armor brother in tow hahaha

…he almost abbreviated one really lovey-dovey couple at the wrists on accident one time because they were TAKING UP THE ENTIRE FREAKING SIDEWALK and he tripped over me, he felt terrible for like three months

…jeez Al

…anyway um

perambulating

at the park

with

Roy

which

as i had kiiiiiiiinda figured

was

actually

an excuse

to

be alone

in the ~*~romantic shadow~*~ of the ~*~romantic trees~*~ under ~*~romantic starlight~*~ so we could talk in Indoor Voices for a little while and look through our eyelashes a lot and then stop under one of the fancy streetlamps along the walking path (CENTRAL CITY, i swear, get your shit together and your priorities straight, there are parts of the outskirts that don't have running water, it pisses me off)

and

Roy was like

"would you like to give this another shot?"

and i was

standing there

hyper-aware of how our hands fit together

with my fucking heart banging again, like i'm starting to think maybe i have a condition??

and i was like

"give what another shot. are you asking if we can make out."

and

y'know

Roy is 

a weirdo

i mean i know you know that and in a general way we all know it hahaha but i mean like.

i cannot do this 

couple-y

banter

shit

like they do in the movies

i can't

but

he seems to 

like it?

i just

i dunno man like

every time i say something totally stupid like "ARE YOU ASKING IF WE CAN MAKE OUT" (i mean seriously, what kind of fucking moron would. say that.) he sort of

grins and

gets this

crinkle at the edges of his eyes like he just

likes it

i guess?

and he was like

"well, yes, actually, that was the question i was dancing around."

and he

lifted his hand and brushed it through my bangs and just barely grazed my cheek with his fingertips and i got the fucking shivers all over again, like goosebump fucking city, goddddddd i'm so lame why don't you just fucking put me out of my misery already fuck

and

he was like

"may i?"

and

i was like

"well. i guess. we should. you know. because. there were. a lot of. variables. last time. and. we should. isolate. as many of them. as we can. over time. for science."

and he ran his index fingertip like reeeeeeal slow along my jaw and under my chin and almost-tickled it so i tilted my head up without him having to apply any pressure or anything which

neat trick mustang

and then he was like

"i wholeheartedly agree. it's for science."

and 

i mean

nothing ventured nothing gained is something Al likes to say WAY too much but it's another version of equivalent exchange really and

so

i was like

"well that and. also i think i liked it last time even though the whole thing is sort of hazy and i was all over the fucking map emotionally and stuff and. i mean i know that sort of thing is sort of significant to you so i want to. be able to do it. okay. if. i can figure it out. so it's. nice for you. for both of us. i guess."

and he was like

"edward, you were spectacular last time quite despite being immensely inebriated."

and i was like

"thanks. i think."

and he was like "i mean that, i think you're a natural"

and i was like "natural what, natural blond? i get that a lot. and yes of fucking course i—"

aaaaaaaaaand that is when the part with the kissing started

and i do mean like

the part 

as its own discrete segment of the entire outing because like

it was.

it was a whole chapter.

with footnotes.

and an appendix.

and tongue.

a lot of tongue.

why is that good. like i'm honestly asking here, what the fuck man. it just doesn't make sense. i dunno. humanity is so fucking weird. rubbing mouths and licking each other's tongues as a sign of affection, like WHAT THE HELL, seriously.

i dunno man i just dunno

anyway um

it was

a lot

nicer

this time

and

not just because i was actually mentally present rather than being drunk off my fucking ass and so wound up in this fucking tangle of guilt and anger that i could barely even see and. whatever.

also 'cause it was like. i mean the first time it was sort of. an ambush. on my part. and. that gave it this. urgency that. i mean don't get me wrong was REALLY HOT which i guess was sort of the whole problem haha but

this time

it was

really

sort of

gentle

and

we took our sweet fucking time with it and

i mean it's just. it's. affirming. somehow. i dunno. embarking on the whole spit-sharing journey with someone, there's something really. validating about it. which is funny because people spit on the sidewalk or whatever shit all the time (WHICH IS DISGUSTING BY THE WAY) so it's not like there's some sort of inherent value placed on distribution of saliva or something so that's not it hahaha. i mean i can't help wondering how the fuck this came up evolutionarily, like which proto-human was like "I WANT TO SLATHER MY DROOL IN YOUR MOUTH BECAUSE I LIKE YOU" and somehow got the message across?? i'm trying to think of a rational basis here, all i can come up with is that maybe it was an immune system thing? like if your partner shares your germs you're strengthening their immune defenses and maybe your theoretical offspring will fare better??? i honestly don't know man this is the weirdest shit. the weirdest shit.

also, great.

it was great.

it'll probably come as a surprise to a grand total of zero of you to hear that Roy is knee-weakeningly brain-explodingly fucking good at this shit and like. he was in. fine form. so. y'know like fingernails grazing my scalp arm around my waist all higher brain functions ceasing shit. i did not realize there were so many things you could do with your tongue and another person's mouth. this is an untapped field of learning for me. so far i am finding it extremely edifying.

like

he did this thing where he touched the roof of my mouth with the tip of his tongue and i thought i was going to jump out of my fucking skin but in a good way haha

and

he did a separate thing where he like. i dunno twisted his tongue up with mine which sounds gross and slightly painful but was neither of those things.

and

there were

several

occasions

where

he

caught my lip between his teeth and

wow uh

that is

fucking

great

um

i dunno that one's even

weirder

isn't it

to

like

getting

chewed on

uh

wow

yeah i think i

am gonna

stop

talking

about this shit

hahahaha

um

yeah

so

we did

that

for a while

honestly i have no fucking clue how long, time flies when you're having TONGUE am i right hahahaha

……fuck my life can we pretend i never said that

fuck's sake elric GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER

right

um

so

apparently you're supposed to breathe through your nose while you make out with people, which i guess is fairly logical but didn't really occur to me at the time

like nobody gave me a fucking how-to manual OKAY

…it would've been sort of fucked up if somebody had but all the same it means i was pretty much figuring it out on the fly and that included a little bit of "time out mustang i'm getting lightheaded"

followed by "it wouldn't be the first time i'd heard that."

and i was like "smug bastard"

and he was just like

grinning at me

all

streetlamp-lit and

gorgeous

and shit

and he was like "if i ever deny that, i encourage you to call bullshit"

and i was like "you bet your ASS i will"

and he did the thing with the smoothing my hair back which is of course purely symbolic because my hair KNOWS NO MASTER and will just instantly go back to doing whatever it was doing before, but

still it's kind of

nice

just

little

touches

and that kind of shit

anyway he was like "i depend on it. i rely on you to keep me honest."

and i was like "isn't that major hawkeye's job. are you promoting me? am i getting a raise??"

and he started laughing and was like "well yes and no, i think i would characterize her specialty as keeping me productive – on track in every sense of the phrase, i suppose? the honesty is you."

i guess whatever face i was making was pretty funny because he laughed again and he was like

"never mind, let's. not. talk about work, shall we?"

and i was like "yeah, fuck that shit, we get paid for that the rest of the time."

and he

okay the guy is so smooth you don't even notice him moving until he's got an arm around your shoulders and you are reflecting on how uncannily well you sort of

fit

there

and he was like "very true. why don't i take you home so you can catch your breath, and your brother can sleep tonight?"

and i was like "he can deal. he's slept enough. i dunno if you heard about it, those first couple weeks, you had your own shit going on, but he was just like. sleeping. all. the time. like he was catching up or some shit. it really freaked me out at first because you couldn't. wake him up. it was like some coma shit. i mean he'd wake up on his own time and be totally fine but. when he was out, he was out, and it scared the fucking hell out of me every time, just. yeah."

and his voice got sort of soft and he was like

"i heard. i was… keeping tabs, i think you've called it before. and Riza was updating me fastidiously, she said she looked in on the two of you quite a lot."

and i was like "yeah. she was really great. i mean everybody was but her in particular. she'd sit with me for hours and talk to me about shit while Al was asleep so i wouldn't just be. waiting, y'know."

and he was real quietly like "she has an intuition for that sort of thing. what people need."

and i was like "yeah."

and i sort of nudged him with my elbow which is REALLY EASY when you're hanging out under somebody's arm like that, although at that point i sort of belatedly realized that probably i should put an arm around him too because that's how you're supposed to do it, i think? which is funny because equivalent exchange. and also because my heart jumped right back up into my fucking throat the second i sort of started to. snake it around his hip. like. holding onto Roy Mustang what the fuck oh my god.

anyway i was like "i'm willing to bet she took pretty good care of you too. like telling you what color your shirt was so you could be sure your outfit wasn't gonna clash." as soon as i said it i realized that was kind of. mean. so i. backpedaled. in the great elric tradition. and was like "and. i mean. probably making sure you ate and stuff because i bet you weren't looking after yourself at ALL while that was going on."

and he was like "i was a bit preoccupied."

and i was like "yeahhhhhh."

and he put on a Cheerful Voice and was like "regardless of the course of events to get here i am utterly delighted to have my sight now; it would be a crying shame not to be able to see you like this"

and i was like "like. what. all aquariumed out with two rounds of dessert in me."

and he was like "i was going to say 'radiant', but i suppose it's the same thing."

and i was like "don't you romance me mustang, don't even THINK about it, i'm on to you."

and he was like "oh yes i'm terribly sorry, i'll stop all of that immediately. no more romance. none. not a word, or a gesture, or an iota of an inkling of a thought of—"

and i was like "okay that's a little extreme, don't you think, maybe we should just put a cap on it. only a certain amount of romance per day. i mean this is for my gastrointestinal health you know so i don't just end up barfing all the time."

and he was like "i see"

and i was like "no really i mean. i can't afford to do anything else to it after the" and this was the part where i realized maybe he doesn't know about the thing with kimblee in baschool and that maaaaaybeeeee the first date is not the time to bring it up, so i redirected that sentence REAL fast "…shit i've put it through over the years you know. lot of road food. don't do that, it's a terrible idea, even if it tastes good at the time."

and he was like "duly noted. was everything today all right?"

and i was like "yeah i guess you could say that, in the same way Al smiling is 'all right' or little baby birds cheeping is 'all right' or chocolate on a shitty day is 'all right'"

and he was like "i'm very glad to hear that"

and i was like "no i mean it though you have to let me pay for shit, and i'm not trying to be noble, i just know Winry's going to start calling you my sugar daddy if i don't and then i will have to jump off of a cliff and die and that'd be a pain in the ass. i don't even know where there are any cliffs around here. i might have to go way south for that shit and who wants to be on a train for hours right before they die, that's stupid."

i'm not sure which part he was laughing at but i guess it doesn't matter haha

dunno if i mentioned that

he has

a really 

nice laugh

just

so you know

i mean critically the one he has when he's just having a conversation is worlds apart from the snicker he uses in the office when he's enjoying somebody else's pain and all that shit but

yeah

anyway um

pretty soon after that we got back to the car and fortunately my reflexes haven't suffered too fucking much since i became a boring-ass sedentary paper-pusher and all that shit so i was able to get my car door open before Roy could even reach for it haHA

and then on the way back he was like

asking all of these really great questions about some of the stuff we saw at the aquarium so i was explaining the thing about how infrared light doesn't make it to the deep ocean which is why octopuses are dark pink or red and also so many crustaceans and various fish and shit so they look really striking to us but they're actually camouflaged in their natural habitat and IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT IS THE COOLEST SHIT EVER THEN GET OUT OF MY FACE

so yeah

then i blinked and he was pulling up in front of my and Al's place again and stopping the car and i was like well shit i guess that's that so i looked at him and he looked at me and i was like

"so next time are we going to the planetarium or what"

and he started to grin and he was like "that sounds quite lovely"

and i was like "cool except i gotta warn you we're not going to have, like, nice lunch, we're gonna go to the taco stand they have there on weekends. it's super fucking amazing but if you are prone to heartburn we will be in deep shit."

and he was like "i will brace myself accordingly."

and i was like "cool."

and he looked at me for a second all soft-eyed and then did the thing again with the fingertips on my cheek and the brushing my hair back and augh

and was like

"i had a wonderful time today"

and i was like "well. me too. and. i mean holy fucking hell mustang, i didn't think it was possible but i think the rumors actually UNDERRATE you, because you're. pretty fucking great."

and he got this like

startled-happy expression that made me want to slam my face down on the center console fuckkk

and i was like "don't let it go to your head or whatever um okay i better go um thanks that was. really really. fun. i think i. really like spending time with. you. so. maybe we should. do that again really soon. the time thing. the spending time thing. with each other. because it's nice."

and without a trace of condescension he was like "i completely agree"

and then he

um

leaned in and

kissed

me

some more

'cause

why not i guess hahaha

and then

i

came up for air eventually and was like "okay okay um i should go, Al'll think you're a scoundrel or something if i never get home because we're making out in the car all night long"

and he's like "i could live with that. but yes, please, go in and get some sleep, i'll see you soon?"

and i was like "as soon as you can stand"

cue ~*~nervous laughter~*~

and he was like "that's not a useful standard; by that reckoning i'd keep you all the time"

and

i mean

probably the use of the word "keep" in that sentence should've set me off on a rant about referring to people as available and taken and whatever like they're fucking library books or some shit

except

the

idea

of

someone

like

Roy

wanting

to

stick

with

someone

like me

kind of

bulldozed that principle a little bit

because

just

well shit i just

want

to

be

wanted

okay

i mean is that a fucking crime, lock me up, whatever, i don't care

people have needed me a million times and obviously i've got a couple people who've loved me too much for their own good for longer than any of us can remember but

need and love are 

different

from

want and like

you know? i mean it's. voluntary. and. stuff. you know, like Al hanging out with me is one thing, but somebody who doesn't owe me shit seeking me out and setting shit up to be able to put that time in and then enjoying it is

different.

and.

kind of fucking great.

so.

i.

eloquently.

expressed all of those complex feelings with the phrase:

"shut up."

and then i

tried to do a little better without any phrases at all by grabbing his collar and. kissing him again and. then i was like "G'NIGHT" and then i made a break for the house with my face on fire hahahaha oh god i'm so fucking PATHETIC, somebody put me out of my fucking misery already, it'd be a kindness to me and the rest of the world and. jeez.

anyway um

yeah

so

i booked it to the front door and my keys were so fucking jingly, they wouldn't stay still, and then i heard footsteps and Al just opened it with this cat-got-the-cream look like you would not believe and then he super-cheerfully gave Roy this huge cheesy wave and Roy waved back and then drove off and i was like

"was that really necessary"

and he was like "you bet your butt it was, brother," which is a ridiculous thing to say so i elbowed past him to get inside and kicked the door shut. and he was like "i take it everything went beautifully and your comment about the unscheduled demolition of the aquarium was a slight exaggeration?"

and then i was like

"…………maybe."

and he was like "i'm so happy for you, this is so great, brother this is so wonderful"

and i was like

"…………maybe."

and he was like "no, brother – i mean… it really is. it's wonderful. because… yes, i missed a few things, over all those years, when i had steel instead of—" and he held up his hands and wiggled his fingers and was like "—you know. and maybe the things i was missing were more obvious, but – you missed out on a lot of things, too, ed. you grew up too fast. i dug my heels in a lot of the time because i saw it, i knew what was happening, i didn't want to lose some of those things – but you always just looked at it as doing what had to be done, and you always just kept going, going forward, going on, and you cast off or threw out or dropped anything that was slowing you down. including – especially – stuff that made you happy, or made you feel young or innocent, because… you felt like you didn't deserve the happiness, and you couldn't afford the youth. didn't you? i think you still do sometimes. i think you're still holding the past against yourself, and you're still measuring yourself against this impossible apex of redemption nobody could ever reach, and – and this is the first thing you've ever done that was just for you. that was just to make yourself happy. and it's wonderful. so sit your butt down and tell me everything."

and

if

you haven't seen Al when he's in one of those moods

BOY HOWDY let me tell you

i sat my butt down and told him the whole stupid thing in agonizing detail because i don't wanna die

and it turned out to be a good thing too because it helped me remember everything to write it down here for you assholes!

so