Ally Kepler Files

It has been approximately one month since my last update.

I sincerely apologize.

Do not worry. I am still employed.

I wish unemployment were my issue.

Instead, I appear to be experiencing something far more concerning.

Several weeks ago, I visited the coffee shop to obtain my usual order and noticed that Asher, my usual barista, was absent. I asked one of his coworkers where he was. They informed me that his grandmother had passed away.

Asher had spoken highly of his grandmother, Annie. Now she was gone.

I experienced an unpleasant sensation in my chest and a lump in my throat. His coworker and I shared a brief moment of silence.

I was unable to finish my coffee that day.

Or the following day.

Or the day after that.

I found myself thinking about Asher and what he might be experiencing.

I continued visiting the coffee shop, not for the coffee, but to determine whether he had returned. During this time, I wrote him a poem and carried it with me each day in case I saw him.

Eventually, he returned.

I gave him the poem and expressed my condolences. He smiled and thanked me.

As I was preparing to leave, he asked what I was doing later that day. It happened to be my day off, so I answered honestly. I informed him that I planned to spend the remainder of the day alone in my room.

Asher laughed.

He then asked if I wanted to get lunch.

I did not require additional processing time. The answer was yes.

We exchanged phone numbers and later met at the deli across the street.

We discussed his grandmother and her “celebration of life.” We discussed Louie and his cats. We discussed many things, both significant and insignificant.

I did not mind.

In fact, I enjoyed it.

After further analysis, I have reached a troubling conclusion.

I believe I may like Asher.

Not in the way I like Sabrine, Andy, River, Mrs. Peabody, or even Louie.

I believe I like him in the same way Jason liked me.

This development is deeply unfortunate.

I apologize for being “MIA” (“Missing In Action”), as humans say.

I have been occupied.

I am now employed.

Sabrine and Andy believed it would be beneficial for me to “get out of the house more,” as they currently believe I am completing academic coursework online.

As a result, Sabrine offered my labor to her friend, Rick. Rick owns a record shop and has required additional assistance since sustaining injuries in some sort of motorized bicycle accident. He does not discuss the incident frequently. In general, he does not speak much at all, which I appreciate.

My official title is “Shop Assistant & Inventory Lead.”

My responsibilities primarily involve assisting customers and entering data into a computer system. Rick also permits me to select the music.

I find this arrangement satisfactory.

Here is some photographic evidence of me at my place of employment. Sabrine instructed me to stand still while holding a vinyl record because she said I looked “cute.”

I deviated from protocol.

I chemically altered my assigned hair color. Humans refer to this process as “dyeing your hair.”

This was not an impulsive decision. I had been considering it for several weeks after observing a character in a film undergo the same procedure.

I carefully evaluated potential color options. I initially considered red, but did not want Sabrine to assume I was attempting to replicate River’s identity.

I then considered blue, but found that it is often associated with a negative mental state.

My objective is to blend in, not attract attention.

I then located Liz. Liz is a hair stylist in Seattle. I found her on Instagram, where she displays photographic evidence of her prior work. I observed that many of her subjects selected a color referred to as “mushroom brown,” a cool-toned shade.

Acceptable.

I scheduled an appointment with Liz. The day of the procedure arrived.

Liz was pleasant. She spent the majority of the time discussing herself, which I found efficient, as it required minimal participation on my part. I nodded and smiled at appropriate intervals.

The dyeing process was painless, though time-consuming.

During this time, Louie remained in the home. He has continued to cohabit with us and appears unaffected by my altered appearance.

Overall, I am satisfied with the outcome of this procedure.

I have been occupied.

It began when Sabrine and I went on a walk. We were both in a vulnerable state, mourning the absence of River. That is when we were approached by him. “Louie.”

I remained calm as he brushed against my leg. He then moved on to Sabrine. Tears fell from her eyes. I did not know how to respond. She stated that he reminded her of Salem.

Sabrine asked him where his “owners” were. Louie did not respond, as felines lack the ability to speak. Sabrine insisted that we “hold on” to him until he was claimed.

That was approximately two weeks ago. No one has claimed Louie. Andy transported him to a veterinary facility to determine whether he had a tracking device. He does not.

For the time being, Louie is cohabiting with us. Humans refer to this as “owning a pet.”

I am still adjusting to this practice. However, it appears to increase my relatability to certain individuals, such as my barista, Asher, who identifies as a “cat person.”

I am integrating successfully.

It has been two days since River departed for her road trip with J. She informed us they are traveling to Florida and is uncertain when she will return.

Sabrine appears affected by her departure. Andy has been attempting to comfort her using humor.

The environment feels different in her absence. I had become accustomed to interacting with her on a daily basis.

I learned a significant amount from her and hope to see her again before my mission here is complete.

I’m back in Seattle.

I have been back for a while now but decided to take a break from documenting so that I could be “present,” as humans say.

It has been nice to return to my routine and spend time with the humans who help me feel regulated.

A few updates:

My coffee shop no longer has cookie butter lattes. Asher (the barista) explained that it was a seasonal flavor and that while I was gone, they finished the last bottle.

I was very upset about this at first, but I have since accepted the outcome. I now order brown sugar lattes. Asher informed me that this flavor is permanent, which is why I strategically chose it over the new seasonal flavor, banana.

River will be leaving this week to travel around the world again. J will be joining her for what they call “spring break.”

I will remain in Seattle for the foreseeable future

This morning I experienced what River described as a “loss of temper.”

It felt similar to an out-of-body episode and was not pleasant.

The sequence began the previous evening. I was in my room attempting sleep when I detected River and J in the common area producing sustained laughter. Laughter is a recurring human behavior characterized by abrupt vocal bursts and facial distortion. River and J engage in this frequently.

A sensation of irritation developed. I applied classical music as a regulatory strategy and was eventually able to sleep. At a later point, I was awakened by loud mating sounds. I attempted diaphragmatic breathing, as instructed during yoga. This intervention was ineffective. The irritation intensified.

The mating sounds eventually ceased. The irritation did not. I remained awake until daylight.

Upon waking, I entered the kitchen to obtain my routine morning sustenance: a bagel. The bagel was absent. The irritation returned immediately.

I observed River and J seated outside the cabin and approached them to inquire about the missing bagel.

“My bad,” J stated. I have learned this phrase functions as an informal apology. He confirmed consumption of my final bagel.

At that moment, I experienced facial warmth, mandibular tension, and a temporary loss of verbal inhibition. This appears to be the point at which I “lost my temper.”

River and J’s facial expressions changed rapidly. J apologized again. River also apologized.

I experienced simultaneous relief and regret.

River instructed J to retrieve replacement bagels. She informed me she was proud of my verbal expression. I then asked whether we would see Sabrine and Andy again. River laughed and inquired if I missed them.

I do. I miss Sabrine, Andy, Ms. Peabody, my coffee shop, my room, and Seattle.

River stated we will return home on Thursday when our cabin reservation concludes.

I appreciate River. I forgive J.

The irritation has subsided.

The replacement bagel was satisfactory.

We are still in California, now in a town called Mariposa.

River has remained in contact with J and, two nights ago, he appeared at our cabin without prior notice to me.

He has not departed.

This morning, we visited a place called Yosemite National Park and participated in an activity known as a “hike.”

Hiking is a ritual in which humans walk extended distances through wooded or mountainous terrain for recreation.

We walked for approximately three hours.

During this time, River paused frequently to capture photographic documentation of herself at various points along the trail.

We also paused intermittently to consume compact nutrient supplements known as protein bars. These are dense, shelf-stable food items designed for quick energy intake.

The experience was largely unpleasant.

While walking, I had extended time to reflect and noticed the presence of a new internal sensation. It resembles irritation, though it persists even in solitude.

I no longer enjoy J’s presence and remain uncertain if I enjoy River’s.

I am still in California, in a city called Santa Cruz.

Last night, River and I attended an event called a “bonfire.” A bonfire is a social gathering in which humans sit around a controlled fire, converse, play music, and consume snacks while inhaling smoke voluntarily.

At the bonfire we met several friendly humans. One of them was a male called Jeremiah. He said we could call him “J.” J was high in stature and spoke in a low octave. He exposed his teeth frequently in a non-threatening manner. They were very white and arranged in an orderly fashion. Humans appear to value this.

I enjoyed his presence, but not as much as River did.

I observed River displaying mating signals toward J. J appeared to recognize these signals and displayed similar behaviors in return. Mutual interest was evident.

After the bonfire, J walked us back to our hotel, but River departed with him.

I am wondering if I will ever see Sabrine, Andy, Ms. Peabody, or the coffee shop again.

We are now in California, in a place called Carmel-by-the-Sea. It is a town by the sea. The architecture reminds me of the movie Shrek.

We have been here for the past three days. Earlier today, River said that she is “never leaving.” I hope she is being facetious, because I do not think Sabrine or Andy would appreciate never seeing us again. Not to mention, I told Ms. Peabody that I would be back soon.

Anyway, this is photographic evidence of my time here in Carmel-by-the-Sea.

“Let’s go on a road trip.” That’s what River said yesterday, and today we are in Ashland, Oregon.

The colors are warmer here.

We met up with River’s friend, Indigo, at her place of employment, which is a yoga studio. Indigo is a yoga instructor. When we arrived, she was about to start a session and insisted we join her. We were not dressed for the occasion, but Indigo said it was okay.

She instructed us to do various poses. I did not feel “centered.”

Afterward, Indigo offered us a tray of cold, uncooked vegetables, a warm herbal drink, and something she calls “energy balls.”

I politely accepted and pretended to enjoy everything. We then thanked Indigo and parted ways.

Now we are looking for a place to have a second lunch because we are both hungry again.

I “broke up” with Jason. I thought I was prepared. I practiced in the mirror and with River beforehand. But nothing could have prepared me for the moment.

His facial expression remained warm, but there was sadness in his eyes. I could feel it. I apologized, and he told me I had nothing to apologize for. He then apologized for misreading things. At that point, I felt a lump in my throat.

I asked him if I could give him a hug. He smiled and got up. I got up too. We hugged. He thanked me for telling him in person. I thanked him for being kind and for feeding me all those times. He smiled and told me to take care. I did the same. And then he left.

I finished my coffee in silence, wondering if I did the right thing.

That was two days ago. I still don’t know.

One thing I have learned about female humans is that they enjoy sharing their burdens with each other. It’s how they build trust and connection.

So I decided to share my burden, which is Jason.

Jason is a kind human. He’s competent. His face is symmetrical.

What more could a female human ask for? That’s what I asked myself until I got some insight.

Sabrine said that when Andy messaged her on the dating site, she knew he was “different.” When they went on their first date, she didn’t want the night to end. She said he made her laugh until her stomach hurt, and they just “clicked.”

I do not relate.

River said that when she met her Italian lover, Alessandro, she felt her skin was “on fire.” According to her, they “couldn’t keep their hands off each other.” She said something similar about her French lover, Jean-Pierre.

I prefer to keep my hands to myself.

Ms. Peabody said that when she and her now late (expired) husband, John, met, it was “love at first sight.” They were high school sweethearts and couldn’t wait to get married and start a family.

Why?

I started to question if I was even capable of experiencing those things. But then Ms. Peabody said something that stuck with me. She said John made her feel “at home.”

I do not feel “at home” with Jason. In fact, whenever I am with him, I am reminded that I’m not at home.

It is not Jason’s fault. Perhaps we just do not click.

Sabrine, River, and Ms. Peabody all said that I needed to end it with him. They each gave me different instructions on how to do so.

My stomach is feeling that sinking feeling again.