i keep a record of the wreckage in my life

There was a moment of tension between them as Allegra seemed to be catching up to what Hana had already figured out, but suddenly the arms around her and the nose pressed into her hair were strong and sure and the most familiar place Hana had ever known. She was shorter still, always had been, but it didn’t matter – they still leaned down into her like a weeping willow bowing over in the wind and Hana reached up around them like she was clinging to a lifeline. This was home. Home was not a place, not a penthouse apartment in LA or Tokyo, not a cabin at an expensive sleep-away camp, but a person that had been missing from her life for ten full years. Gripping the back of Allegra’s neck with one hand, she pulled herself impossibly closer and reassured, “I’m here, I promise, I’m here.”

Pulling back just slightly so she could see their face, Hana ran a hand through Allegra’s hair to push it out of the way and cupped their cheek. “I looked for you, Al. For years, I kept looking… your parents said you were dead, lost in the mountains, but I didn’t believe them. I would have known, right? I would have known somehow.” Hana was babbling a little, she knew that, but between the fever and the person in her arms the situation seemed to call for it. “Are you… okay? What do you need? Do you need anything?”

Life hadn’t been kind to Allegra-fate had been cruel to them, and the path they had been on for the last decade hadn’t been easy. They had been alone-so truly alone-for so much of their life, both as a human and a wolf, but Hana’s sudden reappearance reminded them that they hadn’t always been alone. Her presence felt like an anchor, reminding Allegra of every good thing they ever got to have. “Feels a bit like a dream,” they murmured in response, certain that they would wake any moment and find that they still existed in the same world of isolation they had since the bite. They were relieved that when Hana started to pull away that it seemed to just be so she could look at them, and Allegra let themselves stay relaxed as they leaned their face into the warm contact of Hana’s hand on their cheek. It was easy, still, after all these years, and Allegra tried to blink back the tears that were beginning to leak from their eyes.

Their relief was short lived as Hana brought up their parents, and they couldn’t help but tense at the girl’s words. “Hana, you can’t-they don’t know I’m alive,” Allegra insisted, voice tight and filled with fear. “I can’t-there’s so much you don’t know,” can’t know,they added silently, words rolling rapidly off their tongue as their panic increased. “They can’t find out I’m not dead, Hana, it’s not-it’s not safe, not for me, not for you, not for anyone in this town.” Hunters would descend on Blackrock in terrifying amounts if Allegra’s continued existence got back to the Fitzgeralds. “They not good people,” they said, looking down at their feet to avoid whatever they might see in Hana’s gaze. They felt bad that she had thought Allegra was dead this whole time, felt horrible that their friend had to mourn them for the last decade, but suddenly they couldn’t help but be afraid that their parents would hear about this. 

“I’m-okay seems like a stretch,” they admitted, words stilted in their honesty. They barely knew how to talk to people, but Hana wasn’t people. She was the best part of Allegra’s life for so long. “I’m-I’m doing the best that I can,” I’m doing what it takes to survive, they keep to themselves. “But just-how are you? And just-how’d you wind up here?”

Sometimes, there was a need for midday coffee. The day could drag on and on in the shop, so on her lunch break Celeste often made her way over to Ugly Mug. She had only taken a few sips of her steaming hot cup of coffee as the door slammed open and she walked right into…Allegra? “Fuck,” she muttered as the cup tumbled out of her hand. The dark liquid sprayed all over the front of her shirt, already covered in grease stains from the morning’s work. Still, she glared at the woman once more before making her way to the condiments bar and grabbing a handful of napkins. “You just going to stand there?” she said, glancing back at the door. 

Allegra couldn’t help but grimace as they took in the expression on Celeste’s face, it serving as a clear enough indicator that Allegra could tell they had messed up even with their currently limited ability to read people. “I guess not,” they mumbled, keeping their eyes down cast as they followed after her, hesitating before pulling more napkins from the dispenser and offering them to her as they slipped the wasted ones out of Celeste’s hand to toss into the trash. “Sorry,” they apologized again, nerves bubbling right below the surface. Something about Celeste left them feeling on edge, but it wasn’t fear. They couldn’t quite place it, and maybe that was why they continued to seek the woman out. “I could-I can buy you a new one?” they offered weakly, adjusting their plans for the week to reflect the unplanned cost.

“Mmm, you have a point,” Milo said with a chuckle as he took another sip from his glass. He didn’t know what to think of the woman who, just a week or so ago, seemed to hate his guts. But she seemed less aggravated at him tonight, at least. “Don’t think it’s fair to compare the two,” he said, his eyes glancing over at the somewhat stranger. “It, uh, it happens, I guess,” Milo said, still wanting to somewhat stay on her good side. “As long as you don’t punch anyone tonight, we’re good.”

“I think I need another, honestly,” she said, looking morosely down into her empty cup. “C’mon,” she said, walking over to where the alcohol was and expecting him to follow. “Well, both healed okay,” she said without much thought, not particularly bothered by the incident or discussing it now. “And I make no promises about how the night will unfold. Some of these people don’t know how to behave.” Hypocritical of her to say, as she topped off her drink and offered the bottle to Milo, since she never knew how to act now that she was back among people. “I’ll leave you alone this time?” she offered as an afterthought. “Just-don’t get too into my space.”

If there was a spot that brought Will comfort, it was the kitchen. She was at ease in this second home of hers, and the fact that she was surrounded by sharp objects and flammable gas was not lost on her. She thought that maybe Allegra liked it too, that maybe they were alike in this way. “Chicken florentine,” Will responded, spearing a roasted tomato with the tip of her knife. She held it up to Allegra’s waiting lips. “Do they need more salt?”

Allegra recognized the dish name, but couldn’t quite recall what went into it. They weren’t too concerned though, content to eat whatever Will put in front of them. Case in point, Allegra accepted the offered tomato, careful around the edge of the knife. Their face scrunched, trying to make sense of the flavor. Human food still seemed off to them sometimes, and they were still trying to reconcile it with their memories of before being turned. “Maybe a little more,” they suggested with a shrug, certain it couldn’t hurt. “But I think it’s good.” 

Hana may have been sick, but she never forgot a face. Especially not an important one. The voice was familiar, maybe a little bit huskier than she had last heard it, but it was really the eyes that did it. She knew this person. Nodding slowly, taking in the information, she replied easily, “Thanks. That’s… yeah, it should be obvious I guess.”

It took a moment for Hana’s brain to place them and then suddenly it was like she was hit by a freight train. Allegra. Holy fucking goddess, this was Allegra. It had been so many years, so many nights of wondering what the hell had happened after their phone number was disconnected, but suddenly they were… here? Of all places? Before she could stop herself, Hana breathed, “Allegra. Fuck, oh my god. It’s me. It’s Hana,” and barely gave them time to process that information before launching into a hug.

The girl-Hana?-flung her arms around Allegra, knocking them back a step as they tried to regain their balance at the unexpected contact. Their arms wrapped around the girl out of instinct, and they couldn’t help the way their entire body tensed at the situation. It had been a long time since Allegra had thought of their human life-had been such a long time since they had encountered Hana, but the second the girl’s name passed her lips, Allegra knew who was in their arms. After a moment, before they could second guess the action, they let their arms tighten around their old friend, burying their face in her neck and letting out a shuddering breath. “Fuck, Hana,” they murmured, clinging to the girl, not wanting to be the first to pull away. “I can’t believe that you’re-you’re here, what are the chances.” 

Maybe they should have thought more about this, should have followed the path in their mind that someone from their past showing up unexpected wasn’t a good sign, but Allegra couldn’t help but be thrilled at this turn of events. “I’ve missed you so much,” they admitted, voice heavy with the sudden urge they had to cry. 

Charlie doesn’t remember them right away. In her defense, ten years is a long time, and with a quarter of it spent in the mind and the body of a wolf, her memory isn’t what it used to be. It feels a little foggier every year she comes to, but something in their voice, in their face, clicks:

“Allegra!” Charlie exclaims, in a voice unlike her own. Marcus had always liked them; perhaps that’s why she greets them so warmly, even pulls them in for a hug. “God, you’ve grown up,” she adds, almost involuntarily, when they part. 

“What’re you doing all the way out here?”

Allegra tried not to flinch at the contact, unused to this kind of physical affection even before their transformation into a wolf. Their parents had never been particularly loving, and it was surprising to receive such a warm welcome from Charlie. “Well the last time you saw me I think I was still figuring out how to drive,” they said with a forced smile, words stilted. They didn’t know what to say-how to broach the subject. How do you tell the only adult who ever showed you unconditional kindness that you were turned into the monster your parents tried to make you hunt?

“I’ve been-travelling a lot, I guess you could say, since I turned 18,” they hedged, fidgeting and looking down from Charlie’s gaze. “Town name seemed familiar from when you left so I thought I’d check it out.” Not a lie, not completely, but close enough to the truth that Allegra could manage to get it out with a straight face. 

Allegra shifted their weight from one foot to another, sore in a way they hadn’t been since before winter. They had felt aches deep in their muscles while in their wolf form over the last few weeks, but their human body felt even more wrong than when they had first returned to it when they stumbled into Blackrock all those months ago. Their first shift back wasn’t fun, but at least Maite had been there as well. The other wolf was familiar enough to them that their presence set something in Allegra at ease. “Long shift,” they muttered as they left the building after close, exhaustion creeping into their tone. “Didn’t miss this, personally.”

Allegra knocked firmly on the door of the pack house, uncomfortable in the pack’s territory but desperate for a familiar face now that they were back in their human form. They knew that letting their body turn back into this form at the end of the winter was smart-especially with the hunters in town-since surviving this long was enough of a miracle. Allegra huffed out a sigh of relief as Will opened the door, thankful for small favors that their friend was the one who was on the other side. Unsure of how to ask for what they wanted-what they needed - they simply shoved the bag of groceries they brought into Will’s arms, stepping into the house without a word. 

The confusion is not something she is expecting from them. Brighid cannot stop the frown that crosses over her face. She remembers the Fitzgerald’s well. They were no nonsense people, strict and serve. They had reminded a younger Brighid of an Seanreacht, of how she had grown up too. There would have been consequences for the inability to place a face with a name. Brighid pulled her jacket a little tighter around her shoulders, straightening her spine through the discomfort.

“Yes.” It’s fact, and so she speaks it like one. Matter of fact and succinct. It helps her ignore the part of her that is still hurt and not being remembered. Because that emotion has no place here. This is a conversation between hunter and hunter, a trade of information. Feelings should not be involved. “Years ago, your parents asked us for help.” It’s a prompt, one that shouldn’t be necessary, but Brighid offers it anyway.

Allegra took careful note of the frown on the woman’s face-clearly, she was someone Allegra should  remember, but their human life seemed so far away from where they were now. They knew what their parents thought had happened to them, and they couldn’t help but wonder if this stranger thought that they were supposed to be dead. She might have recognized them, but her body language had Allegra on edge, ready to turn and run at a moment’s notice.

“Not as much as I should, but.. yeah. I try to, anyway. But I do mostly read for fun.” She watched them fidget, and found it almost spreading – her own knuckles itching to knock against the cover of her book, or the surface of the table. “What do you read? Even ‘f it’s not for fun?” Mar forced herself to sit still, or as still as she could, fingertips pressed against the wood.

“–– ‘m Mar,” she said.

“You new in town?”

Allegra offered up a small shrug, fidgeting in their seat as they bit back annoyance at the questions. Humans made small talk, right? They know they used to, used to be able to talk in polite bullshit with someone seemingly endlessly, but it felt forced now. It put them on edge and it took everything in them not to grit their teeth. “History, mostly,” they muttered, not wanting to specify that it was modern history. “A lot of TIME Magazine.” Once more they shrugged, taking note of the name offered and unclenching their jaw to respond, “Allegra.” They debated not answering the question, but that would likely lead to more suspicion rather than less, right? “New enough, I guess. You a local?” they asked, wanting to turn the conversation back onto Mar. 

theo waited patiently for the customer to respond. she’d been through this routine enough times to know that giving people space usually resulted in an easier decision. “one of each it is.” she said with a smile and headed over to a shelf across the room. she pulled out a novella with a green cover. theo crossed over to a shelf near the back office and pulled out a thick book with white and blue on the spine. “so this is about local ghost stories and urban legends, and this one is the beginning of a trilogy about a disguised soldier. d’you think they’ll work for you?”

Allegra couldn’t help the snort of amusement that they let out at the subject matter of the books. Local urban legends. Perfect. Maybe some of it would contain stories about wolves so they can get a perspective that isn’t their parents. Sure, they might know wolves now who can tell them, but Allegra still felt uneasy around others like themselves. “Yeah, these should work,” they said with a nod, taking the books from Theo with something resembling a smile. Or perhaps it was closer to a grimace? Allegra wasn’t sure they had figured out the human expressions yet. “Have you read them both?” they asked after a moment, the words stilted on their tongue. 

Milo didn’t know if fun would be the way he would describe these parties. Every November, his parents started planning the day down to the minute, stressing over the details as if it would ruin their lives if the town saw them as anything less than perfect. It was exhausting, but he couldn’t deny the open bar was a nice end to the stressful month. “You could say that,” he said, taking another sip of his drink. He was careful to keep his eyes trained on the band across the room, unsure if they were in a better mood. “Mmm, it’s been better,” he said with a laugh. “I’d say it’s healed pretty well. You didn’t hurt your hand or anything, did you?” Perhaps he was curious, or perhaps he just wanted to keep up the bit. He didn’t really know himself. 

She wasn’t sure why she was talking to Milo-maybe she was curious-the seemingly absent parents she never caught a glimpse from after she broke into the guest house for a place to lay low for as long as she could manage it as the weather turned colder reminded her of her own and maybe she was getting soft, but. Small talk never hurt anyone, right? “Could be drunker,” she said with a shrug, taking a gulp of  her drink, as if to prove her point. She snorted, eyeing Milo from her peripheral. “My hand’s pretty tough. Can’t seem to say the same about your face,” she said with a shrug. “Sorry, about that,” she added on after a moment, the words awkward on her tongue. 

Allegra was still getting a sense for this town, to being back among humans and one two legs instead of four. They didn’t miss the cold of the mountains, but they missed the simplicity of being in their wolf form. They felt stilted, awkward and uncomfortable as they walked through town, trying not to draw too much attention to that. Stopping suddenly to take a closer look at a sign in a window, Allegra couldn’t help the soft growl that curled past their lips as someone bumped into them. “Watch it,” they snapped.

Allegra was perched on a counter in the kitchen, disregarding food safety practices without a care. They liked this spot, their back to the wall, a handful of knives in easy reach and the exists in the line of sight. It made them feel at ease as they watched Will move around the kitchen, putting together something that Allegra would inevitably consume. “So what exactly are you making this time?” they asked, nose scrunched up at the smell.