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Today was confusing.

I assume you aren’t into me.

Then you smile and giggle like it’s the first time we’ve ever talked.

You text me.

You make my heart leap.

You walk by and give me a smile and I can’t help but wink.

You look at me.

You stare.

I can’t help but look at you.

I can’t help but want to be your hero.

I can’t help but offer to do anything you’ve ever wanted but haven’t asked for.

I can’t help but jump and wisk away every stress and worry you have.

I can’t help but want to make everything perfect. And once I do. You give me that look. That thanks me. But I do it because I want to show you I care. I do it to see you smile. I do it not just because I like you. But because I want to do everything to make your life easier.

I’ve never been on this side of courtship. I’ve never been on this side of desire. But I see your face. I watch you toss your hair and I am weak.

You leave without saying goodbye and my heart sinks.

I feel like it’s all in my head. But I realize our surroundings may be a factor.

I want to cry on my way home. Because I feel stupid. I feel like I’ve thrown my all In when I meant to hold back.

Then I decide to go out on a limb and say I should have invited you to join me. Knowing fully well you wouldn’t answer. Knowing you read it and rolled your eyes.

I set my phone down and commiserate over the last chance.

Then my phone lights up and it’s you. Saying you were busy and couldn’t get back.

My heart leaps.

My smile can’t go away.

I smile at the very thought of you.

Because all I see is your smile.

Your care.

Your eyes that say more than just hello.

My heart leaps every time my phone lights up.

You’ve got me.

I knew it. I knew it was too good to be true. You toyed with my heart.

Because you knew you could.

You left it to long for you.

You saw me and saw my vulnerability.

You saw me.

You waved.

You nodded.

I wasn’t sure if that was a good sign.

It wasn’t.

We broke our friendship.

We killed it.

Just like when you toss your hair. You let me see a side of you I didn’t know existed. You showed a side I didn’t know I had. Thank you for showing me pleasure. Thank you for making me feel pain. At least I know I’m no longer dead inside. At least I know I can feel passion. I can feel longing. I can feel desire.

Oh the fear

Oh the worry

Oh the inability to talk

I watch the clock tic

I feel the seconds slip away

Knowing in just a few I’ll see your face

Will I be able to hold a gaze

Will I fear and turn away

I know I want you to look at me.

I want you to touch me

I want you to kiss me.

I would love it if you wisk me away.

I don’t want to push.

I don’t want to shove

But the guilt and pleasure create that battle

Be there for me

Want me

Make me want you

It won’t take much

It won’t be hard.

I would love to repeat the events.

Yet I fear what I’d feel after.

I don’t want to long for you

Yet I do

I don’t want to push you away

Yet I need to.

I’ll watch today as you say hello.

I’ll feel that spark as you greet me.

I’ll try to contain what I feel

But we know that’s never been me.

I’ll long for your touch.

Long for your lips

Long for your arms to entangle me in them

Long to be wrapped up with you in your sheets

Begging my mind to wipe away the memeory

Praying to forget

Wishing to repeat.

Giving into the temptations of your stare

I don’t want to give in.

I open my eyes and see you there, as venerable as ever.

Holding me as you sleep.

Your lips pressed against my ribs, where you last tasted.

Your hand on my hip.

Your legs tangled up in mine.

It’s a first for me.

Crossing that line from friendship to something else.

Your hair cascading over the edge of the bed.

Flawless and beautiful.

Lying there and watching your every breath.

Wondering how this came to be.

Something I never knew for sure I wanted.

Lying in bliss from what just happened.

Fearing the moment you wake and decide you don’t want this.

Watching you get up, not sure if I was awake. You glide into the bathroom. Doing your best to stay quiet and not wake me.

I begin to panic. Knowing what we were and moving towards whatever we are going to be. Knowing we’ve talked about this moment. Promising it wouldn’t happen. Our friendship is first. Is it? What did we do?

You reappear. I’m frozen wondering if you’re regretting everything. Are you mad? Angry? Lost? Sad?

Your sillioute appears and you’re still naked and beautiful. You make your way back to bed and nuzzle right back in. You turn and I lean in and kiss you. You smile and bring my hand over your stomach to cuddle you. We lie entangled. Knowing as the minutes tic by we are losing that time.

My anxiety overtakes and wonders if you’re counting and looking forward to seeing me go.

Then I realize my hand is held by yours against you.

Still scared we get ready to say our goodbyes. I cringe to myself as I say what I hope is a decent goodbye.

Whatever we are now asks myself if I hug you goodbye. I make my way closer and I as you take me in your arms I wonder should I have kissed you? Do you not want to kiss? Are you afraid of me trying to lean in? I don’t. I don’t lean for the kiss. As I pull away I see you lean in. I hesitate. From fear. Do you want this? Is this an obligation?

Ever want to not exist?

Like just cease to feel.

Cease to hurt.

Cease to let things affect.

I just want to let go.

Let everything stop.

And cease to exist.

Stop hurting.

Stop feeling guilty.

Stop.

Sometimes anxiety gets the best of us.

Sometimes anxiety makes us freak out.

Refusing to reach out for fear of rejection.

Words fail because my heart can’t take the pain. I know you. I know you love me. I know you call because you care. I know you message because you want me to know. But my heart aches. My mind tells me it’s out of obligation. When I know my head is wrong.

It sucks. It sucks worse than any other feeling. It’s disgusting I even have these thoughts. My mind is a jumble. My head cannot comprehend the fact that people actually care. Actually want to be around me.

I look at the failure I’ve become and the burden I know I’ve put on others.

Depression sucks. Because when you become aware of who you are. And what you’ve become and where you’re going. You don’t want to continue being that to those around you.