ESTRANGED
chapter 1 to series: WHERE WE LEFT OFF
1.7k wc
shoto todoroki x reader (y/n not mentioned)
synopsis: both of you never became a couple, but somehow your farewell still haunts him even years later notes: fem!reader, angst, sfw, prohero!shoto x vigilante!reader, post-UA timeline
“what the fuck was wrong with you today.”
that wasn't a question, shoto knows that.
he just sighs as he slams his glass to the table, after chugging a lot more sake than he used to. he knows why katsuki has been pissy at him ever since they completed the mission in akihabara. he wasn't being as professional as a top hero should be. he missed on so many details, let his guard down, couldn't make quick decisions that mattered at the moment. after they completed the mission, the two friends decided to visit a small bar in hopes of reducing stress. it seems like it did the opposite on katsuki, especially because that bastard is sitting there, right in front of his face.
shoto just twindled his thumb over his mug, and shrugs. “nothing.” he didn't know how to explain, or how to make it sound plausible.
katsuki's face reddens. “don't play games with me dipshit. i'm tired of your bullshit. you were spacing the fuck out on an important joint mission. ya would've been lyin’ on a hospital bed and be chugging pills instead of sake right now if i didn't save your ass!” his raspy voice echoes over the bar they're in. shoto's just thankful the place is rather emptier than usual. he makes slight eye contact and chugs another, and he could hear katsuki reply with a scoff. “piss off honestly.”
“thank you for saving me.”
“yeah? too late fucker. talk to me once you get your shit together.”
“are you upset?”
“whaddya fucking think.”
shoto looks to the wall beside him. his eyes wandering on the wear-and-tear on the wallpaper, but his mind was clearly elsewhere. maybe being honest wouldn't hurt. “she came in my dream last night. that's why."
“oh, so you were distracted by your imaginary girlfriend again? glad to know.”
shoto blinks. “she's not imaginary.”
katsuki didn't immediately reply. he looks at the half-and-half bastard in front of him and chugs his glass empty. “you honestly need to move on from your delusion dude, you're fucking insane.” katsuki's tone lowers. he's either getting serious or tipsy. “i've worked with you for 5 years and not a week goes by where you don't bring up this chick. seriously, for your own sake, knock it off,” he continues.
shoto crosses his arms, “i told you she's not imaginary.”
“so she's real?”
“yes.”
“who is she?”
“can't tell you.”
“fine, where is she?”
shoto looks away. he pauses. “i…don't know.”
katsuki chuckles. “at your big age of 23? dude you're fucking useless.”
silence falls between them for a moment. shoto doesn't know why he couldn’t just say who she is—you, the girl who's been living in his mind for 5 years rent free. well, counting his high school years makes it 8. he didn't know exactly when you caught his attention. but it started when he noticed that you acted different around him. how it was a slight contrast with how you treated everyone else. how you were usually kind, warm, and more outgoing when interacting with everyone else, but he got to see the part of you that was honest, awkward, and adorable. and he liked it so much because only he had access to it—to the part of you that was shy and fidgety, that didn't fit the image everyone else knew.
he might be a deadpan man, but he's not oblivious. he knew you liked him—and for some reason, he liked teasing and poking fun at you for it. he liked brushing shoulders “on accident” and how it could make you smile sheepishly after, he liked asking you and including you in conversations just to hear you stumble over your words, he liked giving you compliments on things people usually don't notice about you—like your keychains, your new set of acrylics, that extra eyeshadow shade you suddenly wear—just to see you confidently bring or wear them again more often.
and maybe it was just a silly little obsession. one that wouldn't have to mean very much; one that he convinced was a bit cruel and would only lead you on for something false. but by second year, something shifted. his late night run to the dorm balcony was the moment that truly started it all. there you were, slurping on apple juice, stargazing. he didn't expect to see you there, nor spending the next 3 hours talking about each other's hobbies, past, and tribulations—he found out that you both have a lot in common.
this would spark a new habit between you both, where you would both meet a lot more often in the strangest ways. more late-night balcony encounters, some accidental library overlaps, and a whole bunch of midnight snacking in the kitchen; just anywhere but somewhere open or public. these moments were too small to be scheduled, but too consistent to be coincidence. he started looking forward to more of these niche interactions with you, less to be fulfilled by your reactions, more because you make his life less. heavy. you made it exciting, affectionate, and fulfilling.
he appreciated this bond you both had. the bond he couldn't name. it wasn't friendship. it wasn't dating. it was something quiet, something that felt so right in his life full of risks. something so comfortable and real—he couldn't imagine it ending.
but it did.
he didn't know where it went wrong. maybe prolonging these moments until the end of their UA years was a mistake. maybe he should've been straightforward with what he wants, or with what you were to him.
his memories of that day were very clear. the day after graduation, you had called him and asked him to visit your room. he remembers seeing you open the door with a bittersweet look. he thought it was just the farewell sentiment getting to you, but it was so much more than that.
“you done packing?"
“yeah."
“are you sure? i can help you check—"
“sho,” you call softly. your thoughts weighing on you. “that's not why i called you here.” he looks at you, puzzled. your tone slightly different than usual.
“i have news. i’ve thought about this long enough, so it's not something that came out of nowhere.” you bite your lip, “i decided to reject the offering from Fat Gum’s agency.”
his eyebrows shot up. he remembers you contemplating about this decision for months. “oh wow, really?”
“yeah. i’ve decided to join this underground pro hero community. don't worry, they're legit and verified. but they're not popular. they're not on rankings, and definitely not available for public appearances. they take on rural and underground crimes. it's a bit unique and new, but i feel like they're more aligned with my beliefs.” your hand fidgeting as you explain. shoto doesn't notice; he just smiles in relief. “so you followed your heart. that must feel so relieving. i’ll make sure to watch you over."
you look down and pauses for a bit. god, this is not easy. “also. sho,” as you look back up to make eye contact, you could see how his facial expressions change. was your teary eyed that visible? or were your cheeks that flushed. you cried countless times in front of him before. but it's different when you cry in front of him, because of him.
“i think we should end… this. whatever this is. whatever we are.”
shoto’s heart dropped. he blinks rapidly. his chest feels uneasy. he wants to say something, but you cut him right before he could. “you've been nothing but wonderful, and i know you don't deserve this. but i’m not sure i can keep up with this connection."
“hey, let's not do this...what did i do? tell me and i’ll fix it.” he says, almost shouting. almost begging.
“you didn't do anything, sho. maybe that's the thing.”
your voice begins quivering, goddamn it.
“it’s been 2 years and i still can't tell if what we have is even real, or if you felt it too. and i’ve decided that i can't live like this forever. i need to leave this pain behind me, along with my UA years. we're graduating now, maybe it's also a sign to let go. y’know, time's up."
you didn't mean that, he hoped. he felt a throbbing pain in his chest.
“look-”
“it’s okay.” you say, maybe for yourself. you pick up the suitcase handle in a hassle as you speak, “you gave me so many pleasant memories, sho. i know you'll be successful out there. be safe.” and before he could continue, you quickly exit your room and through the elevator. he tried chasing you and calling out your name, but you didn't look back or hesitate at all. and after getting to the lobby, you kept walking. forward. pacing hastily. he realized how chasing you would only scar you further, so he didn't. but now he is the scarred one. and his wound never truly healed.
the day you left was also the day you blocked his number and socials everywhere. so he couldn't reach out, couldn't find you. and since you're an underground hero, he can't watch you from afar either. he tried asking your friends for your contacts, and they seem rather... reluctant. so he never pushes them further. but it's like you're gone from earth. although, you still visit him in his dreams sometimes. maybe that's why you haunt him constantly.
“nee-san, one more bottle please!” katsuki’s loud shout awoke shoto from his daydreams. “see, there you go again drifting off. seriously dunno how to deal with your bullshit anymore. can you even drive yourself home?”
shoto didn't reply. he massages his temples and reached for his glass again only to found out it's already empty. maybe katsuki was right, this is getting toxic. but it's addicting and haunting him in the best ways.
maybe that's the painful thing about this “break up”. everytime he thinks about how cruel it has treated him, it somehow shoves him “what-if” scenarios on how he could mend this connection, or what he'd say when or if he sees you again. it gives him a ray of hope and the peace he needed.
you were gone for 5 years, but something was certain: every time he's dreamt of you, his feelings grew bigger and your voices echoed louder. how could he ever get over you? he thinks to himself, and he just smiles softly.
author's note: hi~! this was one of my first works on my other blog. hope u enjoyed!! chap. 2 coming soonnn
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