â I thought you had a Bachelorâs from Columbia? â
â You know what makes humans different from other animals? â
â Weâre the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. â
â People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. â
â Look at me. Itâs clear to all of you that I am awesome. â
â Thereâs a card for that? â
â Could you please go as my friend? My really good friend? â
â Well, I didnât realize we were really good friends. â
â Yeah, Iâm going to write this down too, actually. â
â Oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs! â
â Iâm saying, youâre a football player. Itâs in your blood! â
â If I stay, there can be no party. â
â Iâm out in the night, staying vigilant. â
â No, I canât sleep. You sleep. â
â Am I bird? No. Iâm a bat. I am Batman. â
â Candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones. â
â Itâs cool to know other people think about this stuff, too. â
â I mean, donât you ever want anything more out of life than cereal? â
â You can do whatever you want, you just have to know what that is. â
â Iâm going to assume thatâs sarcasm. â
â I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow. â
â Some mysteries solve themselves, donât they? â
â Itâs just little a nose bleed. I get âem when itâs dry and when my face gets kicked. â
â You keep a list of everyone based on how good-looking they are? â
â So youâre familiar with two sins⌠how about a third? â
â I donât think weâre allowed to smoke in here. â
â Iâve got self-esteem falling out of my butt. â
â You canât do surgery on yourself. Itâs illegal. â
â Well, excuse me for trying to sneak you into heaven! â
â You want my advice, pork her/him and move on. â
â Who cares if youâre sorry? Weâre still screwed! â
â How much time before we take revenge? â
â I canât believe I made out with both of you. â
â I donât need to know which dracula I am to be a dracula. â
â God, are you charting our menstrual cycles? â
â Youâre not the least bit curious how that happened? â
â I attack them using my⌠additional notes. â
â Whatâs in the briefcase? â
â I was just another jerk trying to win a contest. â
â If youâd like, you could come visit the set. â
â You can call a phone sex line. â
â Iâm scared that if I were overweight that no one would like me. â
â The world is a sick place, full of sick, sick people. â
â I had a three-way in a hot-air balloon. â
â Iâm turned on by how logical you are. â
â I am comforted by your shiny hair and facial symmetry. â
â Iâm no sociopath. I always know what Iâm doing is wrong. â
â Iâm really proud of you, youâre growing up as a person. â
â Are you by any chance familiar with stockholm syndrome? â
â What, youâre anti-weddings now? â
â This was as ugly as things could get⌠while still being a pillow fight. â
â I think Iâve heard enough, and I donât see what choice I have. â
â I wish there was a way we could make it up to people. â
â I thought I told you to stop reading my emails. â
â I thought I told you to stop keeping secrets! â
â I am an activist, thatâs always been my choice. âÂ
â This secret inside me, was trapped beyond a doubt. â
â Oh, I know we said no gifts, but I couldnât resist. â
â Oh, who couldnât have seen that coming? â
â I wish I had the capacity for sentimentality like you do. â
â I wish I could switch places with you for just one day. â
â We were destined to meet, like a team of superheroes. â
â I came to see if you wanted to get some frozen yogurt. â
â Have you ever masturbated in the study room? â
â Donât listen to meâor anyone. Just listen to yourself. â
â If I come over there, thereâs going to be two sounds: me hitting you twice. â